martian29

[martian29]

Hi there Betterdays,

I know how heartbroken you must be feeling right now at the thought of him with another woman while you are left broken with your kids. I was right were you are going back last year. I can tell you now that I really don’t care less who he is with anymore and neither will you given time.

I think of any woman he is with as pitiful as she hasn’t got a clue what a selfish narcissistic monster he is just now. She has all that to face in the future as this woman has with your ex. These men never change, they get worse. He will treat her no better than you once he thinks he has gained control over her.

You and your kids deserve so much better and I hope you find it when you feel ready. He will move from one relationship to another, never truly happy or fulfilled as inside they are empty. They are emotional vampires who suck the blood out of their victims then discard them for another victim.

[martian29]

Hi Serenity, so sorry to hear you have been having trouble at work.

I can relate to how you are feeling fully. I loved my job until recently. I thought I was good at it until we got a new boss. She is horrible to me and is constantly pressurising me to work extra hours when I am on my own with two kids under 16. If I refuse to take on extra shifts, she is nasty and abusive to me. I am contracted to do a certain amount of hours yet she tells me I should have my phone with me at all times, even in the bath. I am so unhappy there now. It feels like I am being controlled and abused all over again.

My working tax credits have also stopped as an external company sent me a letter asking for proof of my wages. I thought it was just a reminder to renew the tax credits online which I had already done. Now they tell me as I didn’t send the wage slips as requested, I will not be getting any more payments. How am I going to pay my rent? How am I going to keep a safe, secure home for my kids when we escaped from hell with the narcissistic abuser? They just don’t care.

I hope things work out for you Serenity,you really don’t deserve this.

[martian29]

Hi, try to hang in there. It’s extremely hard and despite what he did to you, it’s normal to feel empty and miss him. This is why so many women go back time and time again as it feels like the only way to heal that empty gaping hole in your heart is him. Nobody can prepare you for the emotions you feel after leaving, as well as the issues you have to sort out with finances, kids if you have any together and housing. These feelings will lessen as time goes on and it will be worth it.

I think perhaps what you are pining for is the good times, the dream, the person you thought he was. It is like a grief process many of us experience. Cry all day if you feel like it, post your heart away on here as we are here for you but fight the temptation to go back to him. Remember why you left him and keep reminding yourself, write it down and look at it when you have weak moments. I find that helped me.

You deserve better. Hugs XX

[martian29]

Hi there, I think the answer to your question of why they appear so normal outside when they treat you so differently is all about having power and control.

I used to think my ex couldn’t control his rages but he could go the whole time without behaving that way when his family came to stay. They are fully aware of what they are doing and it is all about gaining power and control over you. The gaslighting is all about twisting everything to make you feel like the inadequate one, the one who is mentally impaired, forgetful and unreliable. You then start to doubt yourself and wonder whether it is you that has the problem. IT IS NOT YOU. From all that you describe your feelings are normal. HE IS THE PROBLEM.

I have been there where you are now and I couldn’t see it for what it was, thought I was going crazy. I knew nothing of what I know now. I felt just as you describe. It’s taken me years to get there and I still have really bad days like today. I think perhaps it has taken me so long as I was in denial for so long after leaving, blaming myself, feeling like a fraud as he never actually hit me much. It’s only when you are away from such an abusive relationship that you can really start to learn and see the situation for what it was. My ex still has the power to make me doubt myself and further abuse me with just a few words, which is why I choose to have no contact. Hope you can get away from him when you feel ready and find some healing and peace in your life.

[martian29]

Don’t feel bad. I felt bad about the ex not seeing his sons and sent them to go and visit him when they were trying to tell me they hated him. He just used his contact with them to further abuse us. Your son will be much better of without him in his life. He can begin to heal as can you too.

If your ex is like mine, don’t think he will be sitting sad missing his son. He will most likely be out partying and enjoying himself free from responsibility. We make the mistake of projecting our normal caring, loving feelings onto them and forget they have no emotions.

I hope you and your son find peace and healing. XX

[martian29]

Hi betterdays,

I think we have all been there. I had been no contact with the ex for nearly a year but broke it a few weeks ago as I was so angry and seething at his latest spiteful cr*p directed towards our sons and I. I shouted at him down the phone telling him how we felt with a few colourful words added. He just remained calm and collected on the other end then threatened me that he would report me for being abusive.

Talking to them is like banging your head against a brick wall. They never admit they have done anything wrong or apologise. They twist everything to be your fault. You have every right to be angry when he has affected your son. It’s so wrong the way these men walk away free after the harm they cause to us and our children. I hope karma bites them all in the end. Hang in there, it will get better XX

[martian29]

Hi Serenity,

I know how you feel. My ex was the same. I did everything, look after our boys, all the cleaning and cooking while he did absolutely nothing. He did nothing but go to work and his job was very cushy. He got paid lots of money for basically sitting on his bottom. When he got home he expected quiet well – behaved kids, a home cooked meal from scratch and a clinically clean home. He would shout and scream if he came home to anything else. He never lifted a finger in his own house and had me there pandering to his every need like a slave. He used me as his unpaid housekeeper for years while he stashed all his money away. He kept making excuses to postpone getting married as he schemed all along not to marry me so that I couldn’t get anything by law should I dare to leave. I put all my money and savings into his house but have no proof as he said my savings could go on renovations and furniture which I have no proof of. He took everything off me financially and left me penniless and homeless while he hid all his money.

It has been so hard to get over. Somebody that you share over two decades with, bear children with and give your mind, body and soul to can be so evil and scheming. He is a true narcissist. I have no tears left to cry over him any more. I feel nothing for him any more but hatred and contempt. He has eliminated his own sons out of his life now as he has another poor victim. He is carrying on like a teenager, going on holidays and days out with his new supply. It makes me seethe to think he is spending money on this woman as she doesn’t work and is on benefits for mental illness when our boys and I went without decent food and clothes all the years we were with him. She is reaping the rewards for all my hard work and stupidity in letting him walk all over me.

I try not to think about it too much as it drives me crazy. I am trying to concentrate on the positive things now like how much better we all feel without him in our lives and despite all his money he will never know what love feels like. He will end up alone one day as no other woman would put up with what I did and his sons hate him. He has no family except for a sister who is selfish and doesn’t care about anybody but herself. I hope karma bites him big time in the future and in the meantime, I will be concentrating on healing our sons and my life. Hopefully there is a brighter future for us all with no contact with him. I wish all you ladies the same. XX

[martian29]

Hi Serenity, so glad you feel free too. Funny you say you get anxious about cleaning as I do too. He constantly went around his house inspecting for dust or dirt anywhere and called me a lazy b**ch if he found any. Everybody tells me how clean my home is but I still find myself worrying. Hopefully the anxiety will go as we begin to heal.

Glad your boys don’t argue anymore. Your ex sounds just like mine. He would compare my boys against each other and cause friction between them all the time, then he would grin when they were fighting. They get on so much better now.

My ex was the same when I bought things for the kids. He was insanely jealous if I bought them a bag of buttons without buying him one too. He was insanely jealous of my love for them. He was just like an overgrown child.

Funny how they behave so differently in public. I used to think my ex couldn’t control his temper but he controlled it for days when his sister came to stay and out in public with his friends.

[martian29]

Hi Serenity,

So glad you have come so far with your boys. I think I need to be like you as I can’t help mentioning what a money loving narcissist he is at times to our boys. They have worked this out without my input and hate him, but still, it’s wrong. I am working on this daily but it was so hard when they were having contact with him. Every time, I would feel sick to my stomach wondering what he had said to them to get at me. You advised me once to imagine myself as a graceful swan and not to react. I will try this if the boys or I have to have contact with him again in future.

Sorry to hear you are feeling anxious again. I am the same right now. I have gone backwards too after seeing videos of him abusing our children. I am having panic attacks and constantly shaking. It is beginning to affect my job as people are noticing and wondering why my hands are shaking and I am out of breath. I am with you on this one as I also would like to know some techniques for relaxation.

When at work or outside, I don’t feel in control of my panic attacks. I know the doctor would just put me on anti-depressants but I refuse to take them as it took me so long to come off them last time. When at home, I can relax myself by listening to relaxation music, burning aromatherapy oils in a diffuser, having a bath, meditation and yoga. It would be nice to know some techniques when outside and at work. I know there are visualisation techniques but haven’t practised them myself. Hope you feel better soon Serenity. You are so strong and wise.

[martian29]

I think a lot of us realise after being in an abusive relationship that we have been led there from childhood relationships with family. We need to learn healthy boundaries and to make sure they are kept. This is not easy when we have been conditioned into thinking we are not worthy. Assertiveness is so hard to follow through when we are so used to saying yes, putting our own needs last of all.

Your mother sounds like she is trying to emotionally control you in getting to do what she wants, getting angry when you set boundaries and then trying to make you feel guilty by getting tearful on the phone. She should realise that you have your own life and your own plans. You are allowed to grieve over your father as much as you like and for as long as it takes. I don’t think you are being over sensitive at all.

I have always had a close relationship with my mother and I love her to bits. She is my life as well as my children. After I left the abuser with the kids, we spent some time staying at her home with her. As much as I love her she almost drove us mad. I realised how controlling, critical and emotionally abusive she can be at times to my kids and I.

Growing up, my older siblings were more important than me. They would get the best food as they are older she would say, something she has been repeating with my own children who are only a year apart in age. Any opinion I voiced was laughed at and ridiculed by her and my eldest sibling. I wasn’t allowed to speak for myself as she always spoke over me. I was expected to do all the housework and chores as I was a girl. She taught me that women should always be subservient to men as they are the providers and protectors. She showed this by example. My step-father was a lazy man who sat around all day and barely ever worked. She always worked then came home and pandered to his needs. I can see how this led me to feel unworthy and stay so long in an abusive relationship later on in life.

[martian29]

Hi Serenity,

I totally agree with you. These men will never give us the closure we so badly long for. They just try to hurt us more and more with one look or one word. They never admit any wrongdoing on their part, apologise and try to make amends. They twist everything to be our fault. When they can’t blame us they blame alcohol, drugs or their childhood.

Good for you, that you have kept the no contact rule. It is really hard, especially when we have children with them. I feel like you, no words I could ever say to him could ever relay the damage he has done to the children and I. It’s like being raped and tortured, mind, body and soul. They are psychopathic, sociopathic, narcissists who suck us dry, take all we have and leave us with nothing. They then move onto the next victim without a care in the world or a conscience for the trail of destruction they leave behind.

Wishing you and your children much peace and healing XX

[martian29]

Hi Driftingalong,

Welcome to the forum. I am sure you will find lots of support from the lovely women on here during your journey out of the abuse. We are all at different stages ranging from wondering if it is abuse to being out a long time. I’m sure most of us know the rollercoaster of emotions at each stage so will understand and try to offer support.

Try not to feel guilty for going back again. Lots of us do, time after time, as we are trauma bonded to them. They are like a drug habit, an unhealthy addiction. I wish you much strength and healing on your journey out. XX

[martian29]

Hi Alone, I can associate with your feelings fully. Am I right in thinking it was your family and friends who were abusing you from the old forum? I have been were you are. I had to leave my family home as there was so much abuse in my family. My siblings were favoured over me. It seemed there was nothing I could say or do that would please them. I was bullied at work at the same time. Thankfully relationships have improved greatly with my family as I have grown older. I hope things will get better for you too with your family in the future

I understand fully that feeling of isolation and self-doubt you mention when I finally left. At that time, most of the friends I had were in relationships or getting married. They seemed to fall away one by one until I was left with nobody. I wondered if it was me. I now know years later, that they just felt uncomfortable about my situation and were too busy living their own lives, trying to establish themselves and find their place in the world. Not that it is an excuse. A really true loyal friend would stick by you whatever.

You have come so far and been so strong. If I could give you a hug and pat you on the back, I would. I really hope you find some friends who are more loyal and understanding. Things will get better, just hang in there. Next time you get asked out, why not accept? You may be surprised how much more happier you could be. We all have to take a risk of being rejected or hurt when we accept a date or make a new friend. You have to give people a chance. XXX

[martian29]

Hi LittleBritisPhoenix,

You are not alone with your feelings. It is so hard coping on your own with children in normal circumstances. Dealing with the after effects of abuse and the legal side of things makes it much more difficult. I am sure most of us have days feeling just as you describe. I know I certainly do.

I am sure your son knows who is there for him, who loves him and who he is safe with at the end of the day.

Just wanted to send you hugs and wish you luck with the upcoming trial XX

[martian29]

Hi inneedosomepeace, sorry to read your story but thanks for sharing it with us. He sounds like a vile, evil rotten man and deserves to be where he is in prison.

Don’t ever blame yourself, it would never have mattered how hard you tried with this man. Nothing would have ever been good enough. We all have faults and annoying habits but in a healthy relationship we learn to accept each other warts and all. I know the thoughts you mention well “if only I had done this or that, would it have made a difference?”. “Was he justified in treating me the way he did?” “Did I ask for it?”. Even though our logic tells us that we were not to blame, sometimes we have been so conditioned by them that we doubt ourself.

Your words ‘worry if he’s coping in prison’ shows how kind and caring you are. You are a good person and never deserved the treatment he gave you. Nobody does XX

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