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Hi Jane Doe

Thanks for sharing. I left a few years before you however stupidly went back a few times.
He’s now moved on with another woman who is pregnant with his second child (the woman’s first). He’s doing his best to hide it from me as well but someone told me in conversation.
I was feeling great before I found out the above fact. It really triggered all the emotions back again. Think I’m just imagining him having the perfect relationship whereas I’m currently not sleeping at night, have hardly any appetite and thinking about him a lot.
I too am incredibly lucky and have the most amazing man who listens to me and tries to understand, although I do feel he deserves someone better then me and my emotional flashbacks.

Was wondering how long you’ve been having CBT? I tried going to person-cantered therapy however don’t think it really helped long term.

Thinking about looking at books as well.

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Sorry I know this post is a couple of months old now, but thanks so much.
I’m having a really hard time recently, even though I’ve been out for years. I found out my ex is having a child and it’s brought all my emotions back and I haven’t slept in weeks. Can’t help but think they have the perfect relationship and why he couldn’t have been like that with me.

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Hi SteelBlue.
You’ll get more then just a small sparkle, the fact that you have come here and already stated you don’t want to be in the relationship anymore is two absolutely massive steps and you can 100% do this!

I’m guessing your biggest fear of leaving is losing your children. What’s the reason why you think you will lose them? It shouldn’t even come to that, you should be able to leave an abusive relationship without this fear.
Do you feel in any immediate danger? Have you told your partner you want to the end the relationship?

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Hi @kip

Thanks for the advice above. Sorry I don’t think I was clear, I don’t have a child with him (thankfully). However the child he has when I was with him I am incredibly close to, I’ve known her since she was a very young baby and my ex had shared custody so she lived with us half the time ( it ended up being mostly me and her because my ex would work on weekends).
The reason his daughter had asked if she can tell me is because we still see each other often and she doesn’t want to have to hide it from me.
Just think it’s so weird that he would make his child feel awkward just to not tell me, we haven’t even spoken in over (detail removed by moderator).

[MeOnScreen]

Hi Jane!

Fabulous, I’m so happy for you ☺️

I’ve been out for 4 years officially but was on and off until last year. I started seeing a counsellor about a month ago. She’s brilliant and has also pointed out things that I didn’t even realise!
Just wondering, is it people’s therapy you are having?
I tried CBT a while ago but it didn’t really work for me.

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Hi mummygirz
(detail removed by moderator). If he requests a DNA test then once it comes up that they are his children he will still owe you the money from the date you open the case with the CMG.

I would involve them for sure. You have can always have a Family Based Arrangement through the CMG which is literally that you the CMG tells you and him a how much he owes monthly and then you sort the rest out yourself. However if he doesn’t pay one month then you can call the CMG as backup!
Call them ASAP as money is only backdated to the day you called them up.

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Hi Random!
I was actually travelling alone when my abusive ex broke up with me (for the 9th time).
I didn’t think I would be able to deal
With it like every other time but it made it so much easier.
Seeing such amazing beautiful places made me really appreciate and realise the things that matter and how happy I can be on my own. I would definitely recommend it. I’m actually thinking about going back out to NZ next year as it’s my favourite place in the world.

Please go travel and see how amazing you are on your own

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Hi Woolly!
I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a tough time getting the help you deserve.
I had the same issue with a therapist I booked. I tried calling and emailing her although she never replied! Even a simple “sorry I have no space to take on new clients” who have done.
My friend is a psychiatrist and she said something very important to me. Just like there are good and bad people in all careers there are good and bad therapists. Keep pushing for the right one for you please please don’t stop.
My abuse ex went years ago to a bad therapist for his anger. The therapist was terrible and just told him “your anger all over nothing really isn’t it?” Then just shrugged. My ex stormed out and said he would never go to a therapist again and left a path of destruction. Can’t help but think how it would have been so different if he had a good therapist.
Please keep trying and until you get that good one we are all here to help as much as well can! Xx

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100% my ex shouted at me numerous times in the past, to the point were strangers would actually tell me to come home with them rather then him.
I face thinking back this was probably one of the first signs I got that he was emotionally abusive.
Shouting at you, making it so public makes you feel even more as if you are the issue and that you have done something wrong not him.
Please please remember that this behaviour is not okay.

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Hi Vivien
Well done, you’ve made the first step into realising how bad this guy is for you.

Firstly you need to know how common it is that you are feeling this way. You are not silly for going back or stupid, what you are describing is exactly what I went through. I kept going back, couldn’t believe I would, thought my 16 year old self would absolutely be ashamed.
However you are human and then the way you are reacting is completely normal as most people act exactly the same when going through an abusive relationship.

The most important thing to recognise is that it won’t get better. Emotionally abusive men and women never get better without help or therapy and even then they have to be so open to it for it to ever work.

Leaving and staying away will probably be one of the most difficult things you will do and I know myself I still struggle with the staying away part. Just always remember how much he gaslights you, he is the issue not you. He is the one who is different not you.

Please contact you local WA. They can talk you through things and even put you in touch with people who can help you move to the next stage of leaving this person.

Good luck and I really do wish you all the happiness in the world 💐

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Hi scarecrow
I’m so happy for you! It seems you have come leaps and bounds!
I just wondered if you had any advice on how you found a therapist? I’m thinking of going to see one however, other then googling which brings up about a thousand in my area, I have no idea how to find the best one for me ect.

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@Kip and @Hunkydory thank you so much ladies. I still struggle a lot and doubt myself so much so your wise words me more then you can know.

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This makes me so smile to read. I’m so happy for you Kip.
My ex has just got into a new relationship and even though I was the one who eventually decided I couldn’t go back to him again it has still devastated me. I think I just find it hard to accept that he could be nice to someone else after being so awful to me. He told me I would regret my decision to walk away because he had changed, and I’m worried he may have changed.
But you have give me hope, and is so refreshing to read. I hope one day that I will no longer care.

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@resilient I’m so sorry you had such a hard time your child’s father and really hope things get better for you

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@galnextdoor you’ve really hit the nail on the head when you said that you bet he used his daughter against me once we broke up. He was always rather secretive about his private life so never use to post pictures of his daughter on social media, however as soon as we broke up he out pictures of her everywhere so I ended up unfollowing him on everything (I didn’t want to unfriend him because he would get satisfaction out of that). Years later after we stopped talking again he deleted me off everything, I tried to get on with life however he started posting stories to his WhatsApp of him and his daughter – literally they only form of social media he had me left on.
It’s so devastating to know someone can use you like this, esp after you give them your all and they can just go on and be with another person.

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I’ve been wondering the same for years, ever since me and my ex broke up. My ex has a knee gf and often wonder how he can be nice to her and not me.
I feel like that SOME people just can’t help themselves. They are so insecure with themselves that they need someone to feel worse then they are. Like fizzylem said they are parasites and unfortunately we crossed the wrong person

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Thanks Hetty.
I know it sounds like the obvious but my minds a b*st*rd and I just imagine them having something wonderful. Even though his daughter (who I’m very close to) has already told me she has to tell her dad not to talk to his gf so horribly.
It may sound petty but I don’t want him to until I’m over what he did to me. All I want in the world is not to care anymore

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Thanks IOSpeace.

It does make sense, he was asking me to get back with him even after he started dating this new girl (even though he would Deny it). But apparently everytime he talks to his child’s mum and she says she saw me he tells them (detail removed by moderator). It’s so confusing to me because I don’t go snooping for his info, I’d rather not know and we haven’t even spoken for (detail removed by moderator) and that was because he text me trying to get one up on me other something. I told him to stop texting me and that was the last I heard from him.
Apparently his new girlfriend is a “yes man” and very very quiet, unlike me and his ex before him. Also his ex before me has confirmed he treated her similar me although it seems he treated me worse with the physical side.

I just think I find it unfair that I’m still a bit of an emotional mess upset other this when he’s the one that doesn’t deserve this happiness. I know that’s a petty way of looking at it but I can’t help it!

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Thanks Kip.
I’m hoping he never turns his daughter against me. He’s always been really good about it until recently when his daughters mother tells me that everytime she mentions me that he pulls a face. Not sure why he does this. Just can’t believe that he’s having a baby with someone else, seems unfair that he is fine to have a baby whereas I feel like I’m in no mental state to even think about having kids

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