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I cannot thank you both enough for this thread. I was feeling completely lost and alone in my feelings of anger and yesterday I had 2 huge tidal wave panic attacks and verbally lashed out at people I love. I am horrified at my behaviour. I have asked whether I am turning into my ex as I remember what it was like to be on the receiving end of that treatment. It boils down to a daily feeling of rage and injustice, that I am somehow expected to keep going, keep coping despite having been through gaslighting and domestic abuse. My anger is something I feel every day and I never used to be this way. Every time I think I have let it go suddenly it is there and my triggers can be so small and seemingly insignificant.
Today I am punishing myself, scratching at my skin, telling myself what a failure, a mess I am and how much I keep letting everyone I love down. And I recognise that is like hearing and having validated all the things he ever said about me, was he right?

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Thank you KIP for all that advice. It feels so lonely and isolating and he is deliberately planting seeds in all our minds. I will definitely look into a non-mol. Thank you

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No (detail removed by moderator)

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There is still so little understanding in the court system about the traumatic and devastating consequences are of being a survivor of domestic abuse (I too think like you – not a victim). There is also a huge lack of knowledge about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. It is utterly unfair that you are the one who feels like this, it is utterly unfair that I feel like this too. But that is where strength lies… although it feels like it you are NOT the only one. Sadly you know belong to a secret society of survivors. There is so much support and guidance out there. Get in touch with your local women’s centre, call women’s aid, listen to other peoples’ stories and share yours. I hugely recommend you look into getting counselling through them because they are trained in trauma counselling. There are people who want to and will listen to you. You have already started to do that. And in doing so you will find advice tailored to this awful situation. The fact you have a non-mol is an enormous credit to you. That your son hasn’t access is an enormous credit to you. You are doing so amazingly well and even if you don’t feel it every day you are protecting you and your son like a fierce lioness!

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I am facing this (detail removed by moderator) and i am arming myself with as much knowledge as possible. Please look up Women’s Aid document called Child First – 19 Child Homicides and also direction 12. If you have a Women’s centre or domestic abuse service locally then talk to them to. You should be offered just an initial assessment to start with and if you are clear and not emotional (flipping hard work I know) about just what has happened to you then you should not be made to be in the same room as them and they may offer shuttle mediation which is the two of you in separate rooms. However any mediator who knows their stuff will recognise that mediation being based on trust and goodwill will break down and is impossible in a situation where domestic abuse has happened. Try to remain calm and focused on your children, however it cannot be denied is intrinsically linked to all the abuse you suffered. You can guarantee he will come across as charming and in that very knowledge you have power, just work out how to use it. Best of Luck x

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My ex gaslighted me for years and emotionally, psychologically and financially abused me for many years. It was only his arrest (detail removed by Moderator) that made me realise what an abusive relationship I had been in. The support that I have had with my local womens centre has been invaluable in my recovery and coming to terms with what happened to me. He continues to be n**********c despite my best efforts to block him and now is seemingly starting to use others to continue his manipulation and control, however it is no longer directed it at but my children. He would have the world believe that he is the victim. And now I am having to go to mediation to protect them and I am terrified.
I can completely identify with your feelings of questioning your own perceptions and all I can say to you is hold fast to your instincts, listen to them, because they led you to leave and report him. Your perceptions and instinct are stronger than you think. With the right support, counselling, friends you will find you. It is hard but the hardest part is over and that is leaving. I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will not be a victim forever. I am rooting for you

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iwillbeok first of all you are not nuts. This is all part of the abuse, he has distorted your reality so much so that you feel driven to behaviour that feels unusual and alien to you. For me there was no easy solution. I tried appealing to him, I tried ignoring him, I tried so many different approaches. I think stepping back and letting your solicitors take all this on is probably best. I wrote to my ex telling him he could no longer communicate with me directly and that everything had to be through a third party. Then fill your life with things that make you happy and give you comfort. I found watching movies in bed curled up with my cat made me feel he was so far away and couldn’t touch me anymore. One movie I watched on repeat was Wild, I recommend.
But you are not crazy or pathetic, you are adjusting to a new reality and it will take time. Look after yourself

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I too am facing the first anniversary of the worst day of my life. I never believed I would survive it, and yet here we both are. I was being gaslighted and my ex husband was committing serious fraud. Coming up to the anniversary I have found myself going over old messages and emails trying to work out if I had missed the signs. I came across an email I sent to Women’s Aid which sent a shiver down my spine –
Hi
‘I’m so desperate I have no idea what to do. My Husband keeps lying. I’m hard of hearing and I know he plays on it. When o challenge him on it he denies it. I can’t even describe how much my heart is breaking because the one person I trusted is using my disability against me. I’ve started to drink more and again this is something he is using to lash out against me with. His lies are distort reality and make me question everything that I hear and know. Even writing to you is because I can’t hear over the phone. I feel like I’m going mad. I’m constantly trying to put us back together, we have children. I’m feeling suicidal with no support and so very lonely’

On the anniversary I can now see how far I have come. I have control over my life where I didn’t before, I manage my money, I don’t drink and I am no longer living is a false reality. I found it helped to write down and list every thing I have achieved in the last year, however small.
You have survived that dreadful day and you are still here. I really hope that I have helped. It is a long road but you are at the beginning and it is your life now, no one elses

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I am struggling to remember too and I sometimes wonder if I have over dramatized things or even invented them. Was he really that bad? I think that with emotional abuse we blocked out in order to survive. I find myself trying to explain it to people who care and thinking ‘this does not sound anywhere near as bad as it felt’ and I end up stumbling and apologising. I retreat and think I must be the crazy one. It is a very isolating and lonely feeling.

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I know exactly what you mean Tiffany. I have started a new relationship and it is as though I finally see how awful my marriage was. I kept going in the vain hope it would one day change, he would wake up and see me again or that I was doing what was right for the children. Now I see it for how it really was the repercussions of this realisation also mean that I keep second guessing my new boyfriend, I keep waiting for something awful to happen and when there are triggers that remind me of my ex husband I am very quick to get defensive and pull up the drawbridge. I ask myself all the time why he is with me, what he could possibly see in me and why on earth I deserve to be treated so well.
Focusing of the positives is so important and it is easy to fall into making comparisons. Truth is we have been conditioned to fear the worst and expect nothing more for ourselves. Outgrowing that conditioning is very tough. Try to see the positives for what they are, however small… I enjoy his company, he makes me laugh, he holds my hand, it felt good to curl up on the sofa. Breath a little and allow yourself to be happy without looking for a ‘but’. And most of all remember you are to be treated with kindness and consideration, as anyone else it. This is not something you have earned or deserve as a reward but simply put – a way that you should have been treated from the very beginning. Enjoy some happiness and let it warm your bones like the sunshine

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This story could be mine. Shoot down all flying monkeys, don’t let them in. Their interests are not yours or your childs so they do no deserve even a second of your time. Have you read about being ‘grey rock’? Reacting to (removed by moderator)  behaviour is like feeding them the very thing they desire. Be completely nonreactive and it will drive them mad.
If the holiday is the same kind of holiday my ex is on… the sort with doors with locks and lights out, then you really need to take faith in the knowledge that you are stronger party here. Enjoy being a mum, spend time, have fun, it far outweighs anything that he can throw at you. Remember that the manipulative behvaiour runs deep, he is trying to undermine you with your own fears. Look up ‘grey rock’ I promise you it works and is also rather satisfying. KIP is absolutely right. I would get letters from my ex with all sorts of convincing legal jargon. As soon as I showed it to a professional they laughed at it. Knowledge is power. And Rights of Women website is really helpful, especially ‘Children and the Law: When parents separate’. There is a section entitled ‘What if the other parent is or has been abusive, or controlling towards me?’ that might be very useful to you.
I too felt the panics and there is not quick an easy solution to this. When he contacts you practive ‘grey rock’, write EVERYTHING down and keep a diary. Look for expert help, it will disprove all the rubbish he is spewing and arm you with knowledge. Allow yourself to breath and take care of your mind. You have been conditioned to think he is right and you are wrong, he is strong and you are weak. THIS IS WRONG. You have already done some amazing things breaking ties so write down everything positive you have achieved since the separation, however small – cooking Lasagna from scratch, fixing something that was broken, being a good friend all these things count.
I hear people suggest to me all the time that I have to be strong, which implies when I am not that I am weak. I don’t believe that is the case anymore. Inside we have a fire and it may dwindle to embers somedays but then others it can be roaring. You need to stoke that fire, find some kindling, whatever that might be for you, something that empowers you and makes you feel like yourself. I sang karaoke and bought myself Doc Martens! Do that and the fire will soon be fully ignited.
Sorry for long response. I really hope this helped.

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That was very helpful. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. It seems the same story I read all the time is the one that is abused is left to rebuild and that the trauma and experience affect them for such a long time. It is so unjust that the abusers seem to walk away unscathed.

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Can I ask you IrisAtwood what the biggest mental separation was for you? What helped you to build your emotional wall between your ex and you? I was being gaslighted for at least a decade, probably longer and I have only been divorced a short while. How long did it take you to recover and rebuild yourself?

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Thank you. I’ve been told about flying monkeys and I kkeep batting them away. It’s heartbreaking finding out people you once trusted are ready to judge you and turn against you when you and your children are the ones that need help

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I am feeling the exact same guilt with my two. My ex was (Detail removed by moderator) but things went so much deeper than that and behind closed doors I was gaslighted. But no one sees that side of him, in fact he has gained sympathy from our shared friends and it feels so utterly unjust. I blame myself, I feel guilt and my kids father is now starting to attempt to gaslight my children. Telling them how if he hadn’t done what he did we would be homeless!! I want to build a wall so high he can’t touch me or them anymore but I am told that legally I have no stand. In fact my solicitor said ‘It wasn’t violent so you just have to get on with it, he is their father’. The blame and guilt I feel is overwhelming and I feel like I am failing in everything I do. The conditioning over time has become my reality and I tell myself, maybe he was right about me all along.
It’s like screaming into a black hole. I am sorry that you are experiencing this and I wish for an end to both our situations and some peace of mind

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This advice is amazing. I can’t thank you all enough. I have felt so powerless lately and confused as to what the right thing to do is.

Twisted Sister are you able to advise (detail removed by moderator) Though this does not worry me I am concerned that it will drag the children through even more stress and turmoil, reliving what has already been a very traumatic set of circumstances.

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