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Ah it’s awful to know so many others go through this but also strangely comforting to know it’s not just me being bizarre & feeling like an absolute doormat.
It is right that you just end up thinking a slight relief for a couple of days at least that you hope nothings going to happen in those following days. It’s not always a guarantee though unfortunately & before you know it everything escalates again so quickly.
I do think the more lenient you get with the behaviour the more frequently it happens..
Hope you’re all OK, take care ladies!

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Hi there,
Honestly reading this made me think, jeeze that could be me writing that as the situation is basically the same! Getting told you can’t have or would struggle to have kids then, unplanned but all of a sudden you find you are pregnant.They seem so happy talking about it saying how much they want a baby with you prior to this & my OH made me do a test because if I wasn’t pregnant he was going to break up with me which was very bizarre then ended up crying because he was so happy I was pregnant.. then as you’ve said they try to say we’ve only had the baby to entrap them? If that was the case I’m sure we wouldn’t choose to entrap men that have proven they’re absolute a**holes to be our babies dad’s..
I honestly hope you realise he is only saying this to put you down & make you feel guilty for having a child with this man as he clearly can’t stand watching you flourish as a mum & doesn’t want you to get too confident or happy in any way it seems. You’re smashing it & stay strong!

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Hi wildstar, I saw you’re post and funnily enough I had put one about my partner who is bipolar & acts in very much the same ways.
It is terrifying & so hard to know whether he is choosing to behave the way he is or whether it is down to his mental illness. You do try to justify the behaviour in your head & almost normalise it because of that very reason.
It’s so tiring not knowing from not only from one day to the next but one minute to the next what may trigger them to go on a rampage & start hurting you. This is very much abuse & as you’ve said even when he is getting some help with medication he is still behaving in this way which is not right. He is still aware of what he is doing but continues to act in this way yet blames you for his actions.
My OH has lied to me over & over about getting help & I’ve dealt with suicidal tendencies, there have been a few times where police have been involved when he goes missing & once where he was threatening (detail removed by Moderator).
He also had a horrific childhood & anytime we see my family he kicks off massively, its almost as if he’s trying to destroy the relationship I have with my own family.
It’s so hard but try to remember its not your fault & you don’t have to keep putting up with it as much as it’s so difficult to get yourself out of that situation. Please seek advice from your local abuse service & they can help give you guidance & support in such an isolating situation.
Take care x

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Thanks both for replying. I feel literally sick and just filled with dread at the thought of it.
I feel very much as though I’m still in love with him even though I haven’t seen him or spoken to him since he was put on remand. It’s such a strange feeling to be completely still weak to him & he’s not even been around. I just think that as soon as I see him I will just crumble. It’s such a strange irony that I long for him back & would do anything to be back with him, but I am going to be the one standing in front of him giving evidence against him..
If you don’t attend Crown court when you’ve been called does anything happen to you?

I’m so glad you both have had the strength to go through court & speak out against your abusers. You’re very inspirational & strong women & should feel so proud of yourselves.
I only hope I can be as resilient as you both have been.
R X

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So sorry ladies.
Thank you all so much for your kind replies, it’s just been a tremendously emotional time, as are all of our lives so your sweet comments are so lifting thank you again!!

(Detail removed by moderator) it’s just all the emotions that come with everything.
Guilt, anxiety, fear, helplessness, grieving, having flashbacks, night sweats, not sleeping at all.
But I realise all of that is so minute compared to what everyone that is still with their abuser is feeling so I’m so sorry.
Hope you’re all taking so much care of yourselves, you all deserve to be happy & safe!!
Rx

 

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Thank you both for your advice. I have left a message with CICA & police have applied for some financial help at the minute, it’s just I hate that he’s left me in debt with everything else that has happened it’s just adding insult to injury, quite literally!!!
I realise I don’t want him as a crutch anymore but it would be nice just to get something back out of him!
If I can. I have already sat in a room for hours & given my best account for things police asked me. There was so much I still wanted to scream about all the incidents but now it just feels so lonely. THe nightmares keep me awake, the lies he spun make me shiver. There’s so much I wanted to get out but didn’t my head was just scrambling for things that were clear & i’m so angry I didn’t get out everything I wanted, there was just so, so much that happened! Now I’m just left with all the bad memories & the good & I just want to run back to him..
Sorry that went way off on a tangent!!
x
That was way

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I now you’re all so right but I’ve been finding out more & more as times gone on.
He’s had a massive past of abusing women some even worse than me. I don’t care though I want him back.
I can’t bare the thought of life without him. It’s like I can’t breathe!
I’ve been listening to recordings I’ve taken of him & even though its mostly him being absolutely vile & threatening etc I don’t care I just miss his voice I want him close to me I just can’t cope seriously I would give anything to see him.
Police have said even if I retract then all these other charges are building up which could mean he won’t be let out before the investigations & court cases of the other charges anyway. I just want him back I can’t function without him. I wish I never started any of this!!
Does anyone know if I can get any contact with him whilst he’s on remand, they won’t even tell me what prison he’s in!! Don’t I have rights about what I want?!
I know I could fix him, if it is that he’s definitely cheated then I don’t care I will make him promise never to do it again. I just don’t want him to hurt anyone else ever again, he’d have to promise me that!
I don’t care what happens to me I just want him back.

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I really don’t think I can do this

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People keep saying brave or courageous & while those words are incredible I just don’t even know why this time. Honestly I haven’t got a clue. I was wreckless but sort of in a productive way I guess.
Thoughts just stopped being a normal, logical process so long ago I guess I just went with
if I don’t do it now, I’m not concerned for me but the next person.
It takes losing all respect or sense of yourself sometimes to realise you just don’t give a flying f**k about you but I will never let that happen to anyone else to be the kick start.
That’s why when people say those words I’m thinking I’m just the lowest I could be, I don’t even exist anymore inside so it can just be the total disregard for anything you’re doing for you.
It doesn’t feel brave doing it. It’s terrifying, bizarre & just intrusive but what else have you got to lose then right?
Everyone else that has rallied around, honestly I can’t put it into words but people that you didn’t even think realise the torment that you were/still are going through actually are the people that will be there without judgement for true support.
They were the ones watching from afar & when they realise they have an opportunity to do what’s right for you when you feel ready, please lean on them they are very rare but also very genuine people to come across.
I hope all you fantastic women feel free at some point, you all so deserve to be happy.

XXX

There’s also now more ex’s, I knew about certain incidents but some are so historic it’s way beyond what I knew.
It’s terrifying.
You think you know someone…

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No it’s that I’ve been referred a few times already & the police have
said they want information direct from my IDVA advisor.
She said she’s never had to give information
to the police & was conflicted doing it.
She said they were looking into an investigation into him again.
I don’t want this all over again.
I’m terrified. It’s not like there’s been one explosive incident that should spark
an investigation, seems like they’re doing it off their own backs.
I just don’t know what the hell to do!
I don’t want to tell him but what am I supposed to do if they come for him again??

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You have no idea how many times thats happened to me! It is the most frustrating thing, you just evetually over time just give up trying to form conversations all together & you end up just listening to them droan on about THEIR day, how pissed off HE got at something that happened, or how stressed HE is, it just goes on & on..

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Thank you for all your responses, reading your replies back definitely gives me a tiny glimmering hope that I’m not just blowing everything out of proportion & absolutely losing my mind, or just being completely heartless & selfish as he always refers to me. I think where you’ve said fizzylem about the numbness is right, there’s just no point trying to feel anything else now.
Family are unfortunately on the opposite side of the country & I used to have friends until he always found an issue with them, now we just have his & he constantly bitches about them which is draining, major trust issues & ‘everyone’s a snake’ apparently so we only see them briefly before we have to get back home for no reason.
You’re all so right there is zero point trying to understand because what he wants CONSTANTLY changes.
It’s not even a day it changes in, it’s more often one minute something we do can be the right way to respond then the next it’s the absolute worse possible thing we could have done & it all blows up into a massive row..
It’s all just such a constant uphill battle.
It came to hiding out in 1 bedroom feeling anxious as hell & just trying to ignore him, as he stormed off & was getting aggressive again (detail removed by moderator) all because I  (detail removed by moderator).

I’m going to start looking into refuge options now I think.
It amazes me how strong all your women are, you’ve all been through it & have come out with understanding, I only hope the same happens with me at some point down the line.

X

 

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Yeah I still live with him and it’s destroying me more and more each day. I don’t even know who I am anymore or what’s normal. I feel as though I’m just existing. You’re right I know you are but how do you escape?

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Thank you all so much for your support & I appreciate absolutely every piece of advice given.
It is a massive relief not only to me but to every woman that comesonto this site that no matter what the situation or the mental state you’re in there’s always others that have & are going through the same & pillars of support are there.
It’s all just such a lonely, lacklustre existence. Dreading every minute of being alive rather than relishing it like I used to. You are right KIP it is like he is a parasite & has nearly depleted any semblance of life out of me. It’s just such a tiring, monotonous, depressing way to live each day. Especially when I think back to how happy i was before I met him, or even when we first got together..

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Thanks for you all of yours advice.
It is just so frustrating. I want to hate him so much for what he keeps repeatedly doing to me, it would make things so much easier and clear cut but I just look at him when he’s feeling down about himself and it makes me feel as though I just need to apologise for him so it’ll go away.
It’s definitely co-dependancy in the most unhealthy way!
My gp surgery is aware of what’s going on already as I have been referred to MARAC a few times now, they have prescribed me sleeping pills to help me deal with the insomnia aspect & I meet with IDVA every other week which does seem to help but then I feel like I’m wasting her time and don’t deserve to be helped..
I just feel at a loss, I know he’s not going to change and the abuse will continue but it’s so hard to know what is best for you in these moments.
Making any form of decision feels so intimidating. The police have only just dropped everything against him from the last couple of incidents so I don’t think I could handle them being involved in our lives again..
It just all feels so hopeless.

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Ah I’m sorry to hear that catjam, it does seem like sometimes they can be the kindest and most supportive people at first, or appear to be, then just slowly start chipping away at everything you do.
Unfortunately over time we start to believe that we can’t do anything for ourselves anymore..
Well done for being able to get out and doing what made you happy though! You proved him wrong and you can do whatever you put your mind to!
Hi MeOnScreen, wow that does sound exhausting going through the ups and downs with your break up.
You are very brave being able to cope with it all by yourself to when travelling abroad! I have had that before and I too was travelling New Zealand when it happened that’s how I met my ex which turned out to be the best relationship I’ve ever had! That’s also why I’m quite sad because I just wish I could have the relationship I had with him again, as awful as it sounds to my current partner.
Maybe I just deserve to be unloved or alone.

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Sorry for such a late response I haven’t been able to come on here much with him around so much being paranoid about me speaking to others.
You’ve all got brilliant ideas I love yours kip about putting up inspiring pictures to keep you reminded why you want to get out and travel again! It does seem like the scariest idea ever and I feel I would just fail if I tried but we’ve all been through so much so why wouldn’t we want to do better for ourselves! You’re so right too Iwantmeback, it does seem terrifying doing it alone and I have so much admiration for you accomplishing it and adoring it! I will try to find the strength you did and not let him hold me back as it sounds your ex did. My partner also never plans anything travelling wise although he knows it means the world to me, he always says he wants to do it but something always comes up and he just wastes money on alcohol or drugs instead its so frustrating.

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Thank you so much for all of your comments and advice. It’s just so hard when you’re still living with that person and he has made me lie to   hospitals, police etc to or keep mute about what’s happened throughout the investigations. When they said it was going to victimless prosecution I stupidly thought he may get some form of punishment for actions that have been, degrading to where hes thrown past sexual abuse by someone else back in my face, when hes also been the one to violentally rip my clothes off me and tell me I deserve to be raped on numerous occasions either before a beating or after. He’s been violent in such horrid ways & mentally abusive too but tries to make out I’m the one being mentally abusive, which is so much worse so I believe it and end up apologising to him?!?! I’m just so far gone & feeling so depressed, not sleeping, barely eating & going into full on recluse mode. I’ve already told him I don’t trust he’ll change & that I want to leave. Now he’s being nice & it’s just so confusing. I just want things to be over I don’t know who I am anymore.
You’re right fizzylem I had hoped someone would just take this out of my hands it’s so overwhelming to think about the next stage it’s almost unbearable xx

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It doesn’t seem worth it, I don’t think I have the fight left in me anymore.
I doubt they would even take any of it into consideration.
(detail removed by moderator)
I just don’t see how I would even be looked at now if I did that, they would just look at me as if I’m an idiot & a time waster.
I know he will be so happy when he learns nothings going to happen to him.
Whereas I feel so angry and just sick to my stomach, which I know sounds awful towards him.
I just feel completely hopeless now.

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My partners been very much the same it’s uncanny! He dislocated his knee whilst in a pub & was off work for a while so his anger also festered, much like it sounds like your other halfs did.
I understand where you’re coming from massively as no matter what you do, how sympathetic or compassionate you’re trying to be they will still put you down for it. It seems like you already know it’s not your fault, they will try to make it seem it is though always! You have a strong mind & heart so just be selfish when you need to be, take care of you, you know how patient & loving you’ve been, even when he hasn’t deserved it, if he can’t see that now then he might not wver but you don’t deserve being treated as you are..

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That one was mental & accused him of being abusive, went all the way to a couple of days before court and everything was dropped then apparently, shes since moved away with their daughter & have no contact.
The most recent one was because she was again mental, but actually bipolar. They also have a child together which I found out she was a pregnant a few months into our relationship.

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That’s it, you do completely get what I mean thank you. You just start to feel like things will be normal again (well not violent anyway, guess being used to things turning violent is the norm now..) You just get so used to having the same dreaded feelings everyday, walking around just simply plodding through not really living or enjoying things, just survuving day to day I guess.
Like you say too it’s so hard to feel like anyone’s going to take you seriously because its happened time & time again. People have patience but ultimately it is your life & they just get tired of hearing about the situations which is fair enough. I just wish there was a clear of going about changing things for the better. Just feel exhausted all the time & so unhappy in myself.
It sounds like you’ve been through the mill yourself, are you in a better situation now? X

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Yeah I guess thats it they’re going to hate them if they feel like they’re always after them. Maybe if they didn’t keep messing up they wouldnt be hounded by them..

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Yeah that’s true that would be an awful feeling. I just feel it’s the ultimate betrayal as he absolutely despises the police & everyone else would hate me too. He has said he’d only be doing this group thing if it meant we’d stay together, otherwise he said there’s just no point & he’d just want to stay the way he is. Where as I want him to do it for himself, regardless of whether we’d stay together or not.
There’s just so many things to battle.

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That’s ok then, just don’t want anything more to be handed to police. Yeah I have done before for the anxiety, things will get easier with time I hope. He is on bail & isn’t allowed any contact with me or to enter the home or stay near it..
I do miss him even though the space is quite nice & freeing also.

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They did put me in contact with them last time but not this time it seems they are more focused on just keeping me in the dark & have something out for him.
I do understand that they have had a call of a report of an incident & they are just doing their jobs but to have everything taken out of your control is extremely difficult.
I just don’t even know if there is any way I can out forward how this will effect me if anything happens to him, I don’t know if that will help things.
He’s not trapping me financially I just can’t afford the rent & all the bills in our home if anything were to happen. It really worries me & I’m just concerned about so many other things at the minute. I’m constantly worrying & anxious & just struggling massively.
Is what you discuss with citizens advice kept confidential too?
Thanks for your advice!

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Yeah I do understand that they may want to be keeping me out of the loop for that reason it just seems so strange when it’s effecting our lives & I just feel powerless. God knows how much he must be panicking.
Yes I know she was being a good friend when she reported what she did, she has her own things going on so I won’t be involving her anymore in this whole mess.
I will definitely give WA a call, I just feel as though I’ll freeze up & not really speak.

And damn Peacethroughhealing, that sounds incredibly frustrating. It must’ve been so difficult for them to just dismiss you & not listen when you needed them to. You’re non longer with him then? Definitely sounds a case of it depends on who you get! You are definitely right about how much more stressful them being involved makes everything! The only thing that gave me a bit of respite this time round was I knew he wasn’t going to be allowed near me again for another month when he was released but I felt more at peace with it, I think because I knew it was coming. They all were trying to be so nice but having 10 officers in your house all at once just to arrest 1 person & talk to you was overwhelming, now I just have no control & it’s awful!

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KIP that sounds dreadful what you went through & AlwaysSorry it sounds as though you’ve been through a hell of ordeal too! So glad both of you are feeling better about your situations without your abusers. It would be lovely for crippling anxiety & constant worrying about everything to disappear, like its been said I just feel like a shell of who I used to be. I feel so weak atm & just permanently bewildered by everything.
I will try giving WA a call though it sounds like a much better idea than trying to figure it all out alone & just going round in circles. It’s worse because we’re on a joint tenancy & still have another (detail removed by moderator) months left on the contract. If anything does happen to him I’m just dreading how I’ll be able to sort everything by myself.

Yeah, they make jokes about the abuse to try & make light of it, which I laugh off most days but it hurts when they’re saying they are just bored of hearing it. I’m not discussing hardly anything & don’t they think it’s boring living the life but like you say they just think it’s so easy to just leave. It isn’t..
But yes you are right about true friends, really does show you who’s properly there for you & you have to be so thankful to have those people!

I know ultimately it’s his own actions which have landed him in this position again I just feel to blame. Even when I was sitting in hospital not so long ago I was feeling bad for him & thinking how this might impact his life when I’m the one left with the scars. I just would like any information from the police but it feels as though as they are avoiding making contact as strange as it sounds.

Thank you all btw for the replies!
X

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Yeah I know what you’re saying & it’s probably right I wouldn’t ever want to & it wouldn’t be fair to people who do have the courage & don’t want to get hurt anymore to have to keep suffering.

I just dread the thought of having to face up to it all & deal with everything alone.
I have no family where I am & everyone else is just becoming increasingly frustrated that I go back to him every time.

Just the thought of having to pack up the house, find somewhere else & deal with all the emotional stress is just breaking me.

No I haven’t tried the helpline to be fair, I do work at the minute so I don’t think really there’d be much help I’d be able to get anyway. Everything just seems so overwhelming at the minute.

Sorry to moan!
X

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You’re so right and we do need to stay strong, it just feels very difficult when you feel so broken at times. It is good to understand that others are in the same position & feeling/thinking the same way so we are not alone in all this.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through, it all feels very saddening & torturous, it’s so easy to let your mind get bogged down by it all but do stay strong!!
X

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