Sadie

[Sadie]

Snap!

I had to go round and tell parents-in-law myself too. I did not go into any detail. They have an idea that he can be rather difficult to live with as he is not always been able to hid his nastiness when we’ve been together.

He has still not discussed pending divorce with anyone, as far as I know, certainly not with our child. Which is odd as we all still live together.

His dad is not well either. but I couldn’t bear to go through the Christmas period lying to them – we see a lot of them over this time normally.

I can’t tell her just how awful her son has been to me and to our child over the years – in a way I wonder if it would be any use to anyone for them to be so disappointed and hurt. They have dysfunctional relationships with their other two grown up children – I’m not sure if I hold them to blame for contributing to the origins of his behaviour, or not.

Anyway, how awful your mother-in-law feels about him is not your fault because you told her. It’s his fault because he chose to behave like (detail removed by Moderator).

[Sadie]

I’m with White Rose – you’re very brave.

Sounds like it’s definitely time for you to do some healing.

hugs

[Sadie]

You’ve come so far! (Removed by moderator). Even dating! I can’t imagine even wanting to risk it….

You have even picked up on red flags. I am impressed. I think I’m going to have to try that Freedom program online and maybe suggest my daughter investigates it too before she is old enough to start dating.

Did your relationship with him ever look happy from the outside? Maybe that’s what’s going on now?

You sound like you are having a really rough night. I’m so sorry.

Hugs

[Sadie]

Notsostrong

Wow, I echo the above comment – you need a new name!

I found writing/typing about my experiences really helped to focus my mind on the entirety of what was happening. So often we are only dealing with the here and now. Just get through this tough bit…

I called the helpline and was put in touch with a local service. All were easy to talk to and so non-judgemental.

Friends that I tried to talk to were supportive to an extent but didn’t really understand so the helplines were invaluable.

[Sadie]

I must say that at this point – still living with him and trying to negotiate a divorce and a very long distance move- I have zero interest in another relationship, ever.

I do know this may yet change!

[Sadie]

I’m glad that I am really really angry at him now. Beats feeling inadequate and useless and isolated and vulnerable and helpless.

It’s not our fault.

Bastards!

[Sadie]

Asking for help is really hard. It’s part of what they do to us. Just try to share some of what is going on with you. Just ask for a little bit of help to start with!

I don’t really feel like I am worthy of anyone’s help but I reached out to a good neighbour yesterday and she was delighted to give me 45 minutes of her time and 2 lifts.

[Sadie]

I would like to suggest also that you start writing down what he does to you, says to you. It is evidence for you, for family or anyone else you care to share it with. it helped me to see the entirety of his behaviour rather than just isolated pieces that I tried to minimise in order to continue dealing.

If you need help don’t wait for family to offer it – ASK for help, tell her, sob on her shoulder. I am bad at asking for help, feel cut off, but that’s how he likes it. I have reached out to a friend this week and she was there to help at her first opportunity.

[Sadie]

That was really brave. Well done. And you could ‘see’ him so clearly!

[Sadie]

Mine will not have a happy or fulfilled life without us.

I, too, feel such anger at my diminishment and waste of so many years living under such a vile cloud. I am trying to channel this energy into moving on.

I have not yet had to deal with the world not living with him – I’m sure there are some challenges ahead that I cannot yet imagine. It does help listening to all your posts, ladies.

[Sadie]

Well said, Ladybird!

Will he change? Has he changed? If he can’t even acknowledge the harm that he has done you why would he change?

It still astonishes me too that he can be so nasty and unpleasant to us and then act as if nothing has happened.

[Sadie]

Can you reach out to anyone you know to talk or ring the Helpline?

[Sadie]

Just call

They are lovely and understand so much almost without you having to say it all.
Sadly these men have a lot in common.

[Sadie]

I’ve got to talk to my solicitor about whether mediation is worth continuing with as he is just making unreasonable demands.

[Sadie]

Hi, ladies, thank up for your replies.
I have ranted to family and a friend.
I am not quite despairing but I am so fed up with him.
He is trying to make an effort with our teenager but as he will curse at them and then act as if nothing happened they are not impressed with his efforts.
I am waiting for the record of the session to arrive from the mediator and then I shall pass this to my solicitor to get his advice.
There is a time pressure due to (detail removed by moderator).
How long could this take if it has to go to court, anyone?
I am not reacting to him at all yet. Although I just want to shout and ask him how the fuck he dares! He is continuing as if nothing has happened.
I am astonished that any of us get involved with a man ever again!
I keep thinking I see a light at the end of the tunnel but I don’t know how long the tunnel is or if it is a train rushing towards me.

[Author]

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