Sogo1234

[Sogo1234]

My boyfriend told me once, when he was really drunk, that he hates all women except his mother. I should have run a mile then but stupidly stayed with him.

 

There might be mental health issues and I think deep down many of these abusive people are seriously unhappy with themselves and life to treat others that way.

 

I really struggle to comprehend it too as I’d never intentionally hurt someone. It is so hard to make sense of it all. Sending you hugs. You’re not alone!

[Sogo1234]

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this and experiencing this. I am feeling the same at the moment, just exhausted with it all and can relate to a lot of the things you are dealing with.

I literally got told off the other day by my partner because I went silent when he was yelling at me telling me everything that’s wrong with me, but same as your experience – if I try to explain or talk I can’t get a word in and am talked over.

It is so incredibly exhausting!

[Sogo1234]

I’m so sorry you have experienced this.

 

I definitely relate to reliving and remembering things said and done. Words and events pop into my head every now and then and the feelings come flooding back. It’s exhausting and makes me wish I could leave.

[Sogo1234]

Hi browneyedmum, I know your post was a long time ago but just wanted to say I relate to this so much. I was recovering from an operation unable to do much at all and my partner had a go at me saying I wasn’t being thankful enough for them helping me.

I’ve also had other things used against me relating to my cptsd and a brain injury. These people are evil and will use anything they can to bring us down. They find the things that will hurt us the most and use those without any hesitation.

 

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this and I hope you are okay. Keep posting!

[Sogo1234]

I’m so sorry your friends were silent when you opened up. I think we expect either not to be believed or for people to downplay the severity of it..or that we will be judged. I find these forums so valuable and helpful because people do understand and will empathise.

 

I recall telling one of my friends about how my ex was stalking me, threatened my male friends and I felt unsafe going to events where he would be and was essentially told I need to get over it and forgive and forget. I felt so upset and betrayed by that. No one understands unless they have experienced DA themselves.

[Sogo1234]

I don’t have kids with my boyfriend but I can really relate to this. The abuse is less frequent now and I’m starting to question whether it is that bad, and if I’m part of the problem and no one else will deal with me. I will never forget or forgive the things he has done and when things are good I can’t completely relax and enjoy it..

I really relate to your comment “it’s like my body knows he’s bad news”. My body isn’t calm around my bf and I know it’s not good for me to be in this relationship long term, as I already feel like I’ve changed for the worst in it, but I can’t bring myself to end it or leave. I love him still but also I despise him at times. But then I feel so bad for feeling like that because he has looked after me during a long surgery recovery.  I also have the thoughts of why didn’t I leave earlier or when he’d done X or y… It’s hard. You’re not alone.

[Sogo1234]

Sorry to hear this. They should still be helping you if you’re still in a relationship! Maybe try somewhere different and explain the experiences you’ve had so far? I didn’t have a good experience with one DA organisation so I’m going to try another next time.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? That might be helpful if you can find someone running it in your area. Good luck, I hope you find the support you need!

[Sogo1234]

I get exactly the same thing. My brain gets so scrambled when we are arguing or he is being abusive and I forget how we go there most of the time. I have started keeping a note in my phone which I add to every time something happens while it is fresh in my mind as I forget things. Weirdly writing things down straight away has jogged other mini memories of similar things said and done in the past which I thought I’d forgotten.

 

Don’t put pressure on yourself to remember everything. Our brains get scrambled by these horrible people and memory loss is common as far as I’m aware. Just get what you can down.

 

I’m also feeling the same as you in that part of me wants to leave and the other part feels guilty for wanting to. I empathise. I hope you find the strength to leave. I try to focus on all of the things I can do without worry or stress once I’m out of the relationship. I’m not ready to put myself through ending it yet as it’s a big decision and a very hard thing to go through (we’ve broken up several times before but it never sticks).

[Sogo1234]

I feel like I could have written this post myself. I have stayed for now and my anxiety and depression is really bad even though things are fine/calm in my relationship at the moment. I have to do so much to keep it in check though and it is exhausting. I do yoga, meditate (although haven’t been doing that much lately), spiritual practices, and have started doing some somatic energy release exercises which I find helpful.

I read in one of your comments you felt like you were wasting the support workers time as things are calm now. I am working with one but feel the same. However she never sticks to the times she says she will call or will call on days we haven’t arranged (I know she’s really busy though) which is quite stressful as I need to plan these calls when my partner isn’t home so I’ve just not called her back for a few weeks. I’ve not found her very helpful or easy to talk to either.

I have had a few chances to leave and recall saying in my head “just let it happen” but I never can push past and let the break up go through. I am definitely trauma bonded.

This relationship has changed me and changed my life. I don’t like who I have become, I don’t feel like my own person anymore and feel like my personality has changed. I have developed new health issues since being in it which I think are linked in some way to the stress. My nervous system is a mess. I love my partner though. It’s hard to think of leaving even though I’m unhappy.

I hope you find the strength to leave if that’s what you want x

[Sogo1234]

Sorry just posting to get stuff out now. I’m on some (detail removed by Moderator) support groups and someone posted about their partner not wanting them to be on their social media, not wanting to follow them/vice versa and making excuses for it.. and everyone is saying how much of a red flag that is..

This is what my boyfriend is like. He gets defensive and weird when I bring up that I’m not on his social media at all, and says he doesn’t use it but then will post other people on there. And with one of the platforms he wouldn’t even let me follow him/follow me. Then when I get upset and say it shouldn’t be an issue and seems like he’s hiding something if he doesn’t want me on there he gets defensive and tells me I’m making an argument over social media which is stupid, and calls me names, etc..

I swear he has either deleted accounts or blocked me on some before as weird stuff happens like he will disappear until I mention I can’t find him and then will reappear. There’s just so much that doesn’t add up.

I know he is doing something dodgy but don’t think he is physically cheating, but I just have a feeling he is crossing some boundaries and there’s something inappropriate going on. It is making me feel really crazy. I wish I just didn’t care 🙁

[Sogo1234]

Also to note the not trusting him hasn’t come out of nowhere, he’s broken my trust several times in the past and acts sneaky/dodgy!

[Sogo1234]

I’m so happy you have left and are safe now. He sounds horrible.

Yes, I’ve had this with my ex who pushed me against a cupboard, strangled me and said he was going to unalive me. He then didn’t remember any of it at all. Was very odd. His brain just shut down when he was angry or something. It was scary.

My current boyfriend gaslights me constantly saying he never said certain things or I never said things etc… a lot of it I remember so clearly too but it does make me feel crazy and like I can’t trust my brain. They do this though as a tactic for more control.

I hope you’re okay! x

[Sogo1234]

Well done for leaving. You’ve done the hard part that I am struggling with still.

They try to make it like you’re the problem and they don’t take accountability or try to work on themselves.

Sounds very similar to what my boyfriend says, that every relationship has arguments and ups and downs. Trying to downplay the abuse and make it seem normal. It’s not normal to be dealing with constant outbursts and be walking on eggshells.

Stay strong. You’ve done the right thing x

[Sogo1234]

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds similar to my situation. My ex boyfriend lost a parent while we were together and he used that as an attack against me too saying I never did enough to help support him, I have been selfish and I was apparently making everything about me among other things.

I really feel for you as I know how hurtful it is to have someone you love weaponize something like that when you do care and are trying to help and be empathetic.

You’ve not done anything wrong. I don’t know a lot about the grieving process but I do believe that it is no excuse to speak to you and attack you like that. You do not deserve to be treated like that. It sounds like the abuse was happening before too and this has just triggered it to come back?

Stay strong and keep posting x

[Sogo1234]

We had a big fight (detail removed by Moderator) again over text and the phone and broke up. He was being absolutely vile to me and recorded me during an argument saying he won’t delete it until things are sorted whichever way they go.

He gets home (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m so scared I will crumble. I need all the strength I can get to leave for good. He’s trying to make me out to be a horrible person because I acted like him once and said some nasty things after dealing with years of his abuse.

Please send me strength to end things properly and for good (detail removed by Moderator) .

[Sogo1234]

He’s now said he has told his family about everything and how I apparently got physical with him. I just tried to grab his phone to see what else he was lying about. He has painted this horrible picture of me. And he’s fixated on me apparently lying to him when I never did. I remember having a conversation with him about what he is referring to.

He is making it all about me and not his horrible behaviour.

I feel so destroyed by this. Trying not to break down. I acted so out of character and it wasn’t me and now I feel like I’m the abuser and everyone hates me and thinks the worst of me.

Why would he be like this if he loves me. I just feel like he never loved me and it was all a lie 🙁

[Sogo1234]

Thank you so much Lisa. It does help posting on here. Thank you for the live chat info. I will give it a go. Thank you!

[Sogo1234]

Thank you for your comment x

Yes I apologised over and over and he was like “(quote removed by Moderator)” even though I was. And he kept saying I was smirking when I was balling my eyes out crying. It was so confusing, like he saw a completely different reality to me. He also lied and said his friends were on a call and commented they were coming off it because they didn’t want to listen to us arguing and then when I asked (timeframe removed by Moderator) he said they weren’t.

We’ve had arguments before where he’s called me horrible things but he’s never been this angry before or thrown things. This was next level scary. I can’t stop thinking about his eyes and voice and the aggressiveness. Things have settled down now and I asked him if he meant what he said and he said at the time he did. He hasn’t apologised for his behaviour but he did say he acted like an animal so I suppose at least there’s that. I honestly don’t think he remembers it properly though as he broke something of his throwing it and last night was asking what happened to it.

I feel like I want to tell him he scared me but I am worried of how it will go down even though things are calm now. He seems to think DV is only hitting your partner rather than throwing things around or pushing stuff.

[Sogo1234]

Sad and alone, thank you so much for your comment. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this too and I’m glad to hear you’re taking steps to cut the ties and make it easier to leave. Whenever I’m ready to leave there’s always something happening that makes it so difficult, if not impossible.

 

I hope we both get away soon xx

[Sogo1234]

Thank you so much. I needed to hear this. Unfortunately I don’t have anyone else who can help me. My family and friends live very far away.

When I brought up him saying he wouldn’t help me anymore and that upsetting me he said he wasn’t being serious. He does this a lot. Will say horrible things and then brush it off like it was nothing and when I get upset about it.

I ended up apologising in the end and saying I will try harder to show my appreciation because I can’t handle the fighting right now but I’m still so shaken up and upset.

I can’t wait until I’m better and can remove myself from the situation when he starts to get nasty. It’s so hard being stuck in our house and not able to leave.

 

Thanks again for your comment. I really appreciate you taking the time out x

[Sogo1234]

Thank you for the kind words. I caved and am staying but it’s just not the right time to leave with some stuff going on in my life right now. But I do feel like I’m getting stronger each time I get to the point of wanting to leave. Hopefully one day I’ll get there as I highly doubt he will ever change 🙁 x

[Sogo1234]

I’m so sorry. I hope you are doing okay. Please stay strong. Hopefully you can be free now from him! x

[Sogo1234]

So sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you find the strength to leave. You are not the abusive one. Please don’t let him make you believe that! I have left before for a night and it got thrown in my face and I was made out to be the bad guy, so I feel your pain there:( I hope you start feeling better too. If you have some friends you can see or confide in for support safely please do that. It has helped me a lot.

I’ve given up on leaving for the time being as some health stuff has come up and things are “good” again for now (as good as they can be without actually resolving any issues anyway) and I just can’t deal with even thinking of leaving right now. And am questioning whether I should. I’ve started to write everything down that he says and does so I don’t forget.

[Sogo1234]

So sorry you’ve dealt with this. It is horrible being on edge just knowing another fight will come at some point. I empathise 🙁 I hope it stays okay for you.

I have spoken to my friends about things and now I feel embarrassed and like they are going to judge me as I’m staying with him (for now). They tell me to leave him.

I guess I’m just happy there’s no arguing at the moment. But I keep having bad dreams about him lying, being nasty or cheating. It’s exhausting but I’m just not strong enough to leave yet.

Thank you for your comment and support x

[Sogo1234]

Thank you. It’s just hard to accept that that’s how he operates and how his brain works. I just can’t comprehend it.

Thanks so much for your comment and for explaining it all. Appreciate it!

[Sogo1234]

Thank you. I’m sorry you are dealing with this too. It’s so hard because my heart hurts thinking about the arguments and the lies but then I love him and when things are good they are really nice.

I become a shell of a human when we are arguing or at break up stage and don’t feel strong enough to push through that point yet. It’s just nice to have a break from arguing at the moment. I’m so scared to bring anything up or have any discussions because I can’t deal with the arguing.

[Sogo1234]

This sounds so similar to my situation. I really feel for you. It is soul destroying. I don’t feel like myself either anymore so I really empathise with that. It is a horrible feeling 🙁

Please stay safe x

[Sogo1234]

He does seem so unphased by all of this. It makes it even worse. Like there’s no remorse and he is just trying to get me to say I’m the horrible one, the one in the wrong and grovel. He has already started telling people how horrible I am. I can’t keep living like this. I hope I can stay strong.

[Sogo1234]

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this 🙁 it’s so hard to leave a pet. I think I’m going to have to. I don’t think I could stay in the house where so much horrible stuff has happened just to keep our pet 🙁

[Sogo1234]

I’m so sorry you dealt with that. I was warned about him by someone anonymously too. I don’t think he has cheated though but in a weird way I wish he would because I just feel like I’m the worst person at the moment and it’s all me 🙁 thank you for the support x

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