Soulsearcher18

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Hazydayz and Iliketea, thanks.

I have kept a check in but haven’t responded or posted much, Iliketea- I did comment on your post other day about how to recover, hope all the responses helped and that you’re doing ok.

I didn’t watch the Eastenders episode but I did see the young actor who plays the perpetrator doing an interview. He said he had done his research through Women’s Aid and he spoke so well. I was very impressed with what he said, he said how there was so much that he hadn’t been aware of about DV and how he felt it was important for both men and women to raise awareness and that, as a result, he has become an ambassador.

It’s hectic isn’t it with one thing and another. The other groups came from a charity challenge I got involved in, to be honest, it has been good to ‘meet’ people for real if that makes sense? Especially in the absence of local groups. However, I am aware local groups are starting back in a virtual way and I’m looking into that and hopeful other local services are going to be doing this at least as it is so vital for recovery.

Haven’t noticed Braelynn on here lately-hope all is well for her.

I just hope, for anyone reaching out that they can get support they need. To be fair, it wasn’t easy before Covid, which does complicate things more now but there is still help out there.

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Iliketea
Bit tired so I’m just going to list things that might help:

* Counselling
* Contact local domestic abuse service and ask about Freedom Course, or even Power to Change as you have done a lot of reading but doing Freedom as part of a group is different to reading it independently and is like group therapy. I think that local services are starting to offer up some courses again, albeit on-line in groups but that is better than nothing. It is good to let local services know what you need too and ask about delivery. Also ask about any local survivor groups too, your local DA service should be able to advise.
* Consider connecting and getting involved with National/local DA charities to meet and connect with other survivors.
* Relaxation courses
* Parenting courses- not meant to offend but honestly really useful in going back to basics to understand and appreciate the affects DA relationships have on entire family. Also possible opportunity to meet other single parents. Though many courses not being run face-to-face and are on-line at minute. Try contacting your local family information centre to find out about parenting courses and to generally discuss situation and find out if they recommend anything.
* Gingerbread – support for single parents, worth finding out what they offer in your local area
* Mind – the mental health charity also run local groups, have been running on-line stuff through Covid. It may not be something you ever thought you would need, none of this might do but none of us ever thought we would be DV survivors either right? Worth trying out every bit of support out there, especially at the minute.
* Checkout local colleges, community centres, art and music centres, theatres, sport centres, museums, libraries, outdoor and walking centres, wildlife centres etc to see what courses and groups they run- it can be surprising what is out there that may be useful and of interest and connect with like minded people!

Hope this helps. Post above is really good too, focusing on self care etc. Taking it steady and giving it time but definitely getting out there a little- even if that does have to be on-line at the moment. Time in nature always good I think- trees don’t judge! It can remind us that we are all only human and part of nature.

Hope this helps

Soulsearcher x

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Chasingrainbows
I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling this way.
You don’t mention what support you have in place for yourself?
Now would be a really good time to start building a support network for yourself and your children.
It may be worthwhile starting with your GP and booking regular appointments with the same GP for continuity of care- finding out what counselling services they have available and can refer you to. Often there are wait lists for these so worth getting onto them now, even if you are unsure- by the time your appointment comes around, you may really need it, or can decline but at least you have the option.
You can use the 24 hr National Domestic Abuse Helpline that’s on the women’s aid website and the webchat facility if you need to speak to a support worker. There is a directory on the womens aid website where you can find local domestic abuse support- many are starting to run their groups again and you may find a course like the Freedom Programme useful, or Power to Change. Also, you may find attending a local survivors group useful and your local service should be able to advise you on this. Some groups are being run on-line.

There is also Mind the mental health charity that have a website with lots of info and also run support groups and have local lines available for support. There is also the Samaritans helpline which has been highly recommended on here if you need someone to talk to out of hours.

Sometimes just reading through some of the old posts on here can reassure you that you are not alone and that there is light ahead. Also keep posting as there are many who are in similar position and many who are ahead in their journey and can offer support.

Hope this helps a bit, take care.

Soulsearcher

[Soulsearcher18]

PaleBlueStar

Thank you for sharing on forum. I am sorry to hear about your situation.

In answer to your question, I am not sure exactly but I would think so. However, they would have to be very sure that you wouldn’t let him back in. My initial response was that YOU have the power to have him removed and if this is how you feel, you should express it to them and they can support you to get it done.

You would definitely benefit from some independent advice and support however, I would strongly encourage you to contact Women’s Aid, either through the Domestic abuse helpline, or the webchat, or use the directory on the website to find and contact your local Domestic abuse service.

If you struggle to get the opportunity to do this, to get chance to contact services then definitely let social services know how you feel. You can also book regular appointments with your GP and ask them to help you too, perhaps refer you into local DA services. I am just thinking that if you perpetrator keeps tabs, it may be easier for you to book a GP appointment – for ‘back pain’ or whatever and then it gives you some space to talk freely. Social services can also refer you into your local DA services too, in fact- it may be that you get seen quicker if a referral is made by a service. When ringing independently, it can take time to get through to and access support.

I don’t want to alarm you if you have not thought of this but it could be that you could seek refuge whilst they get him out as sometimes this can take time. However, I am not fully aware of your situation and all involved, so I just encourage you to seek DA support so you have someone to guide you through this.

I hope this helps. If this is the way you are feeling then please seek help asap to express this and get support to take action. From social services point of view, I imagine they would be relieved that you feel this way because he is the problem- remove him and they can then support you and the children without barriers.

Good luck, let us know how you get on and do keep posting if you are unsure. There are a lot of us on here , all with different experiences and suggestions etc.

[Soulsearcher18]

Yes it absolutely makes sense. If you have raised your concerns but they have done assessments and do not believe him to be a risk then it is important that you follow their instructions. You do not want to be in the position of being accused of parental alienation, or of causing emotional harm to your child because you do not support their need for a relationship with their father.
I know how unbelievable it all is but that’s the system.
However, do keep notes, keep text messages, emails from him. Makes notes of comments, childs behaviour following contacts etc. Keep solicitor updated. I’m afraid it is a game and a long one at that, bide your time and gather the evidence. He will likely try to wind you up- do not bite. Stay positive, be neutral and very boring. Ideally you can do all of this through third party but if they don’t believe him to be risk to you or child then they may expect you to find a way to co-parent.
It is entirely frustrating, take some solace that you have expressed your concerns and it is their professional judgement upon which you are being made to allow contact. Therefore, you can do no more, other than follow their instructions obediently and with a smile.
But we are good at wearing a masked smile aren’t we? And no-one should underestimate what lengths we can go to to protect our children. They want us to play the game, they got it- for we know all the games in the book and then some. Years of surviving will teach you that.
I mean sound this out with your DA worker- and I’m very glad to hear you have one worth their salt but I think it likely she’s seen it all before sadly and it sounds like it’s the stage to comply. That said, your solicitor can also advise of course and it could just be about timing of to who and when you share your concerns, e.g solicitor may tell you to wait until court to express your concerns.
Hope I make sense?

[Soulsearcher18]

UltimatelyStrong , this is a difficult one to answer as we have to skirt around details and specifics on here don’t we?! If I were going to start by being entirely honest with anyone, it would be Women’s Aid. Do you have a local DA support worker that you have a good rapport with and that you trust? If so, sound them out-everytime. They are bound by safeguarding regs of course like any other professional but I have found that they generally have a much better understanding than all other services out there, they don’t panic they keep it real. Of course, you must trust your instincts though- you will meet many professionals on your journey. My hope for women in their life after is that they have at least one DA worker they can talk entirely openly with.
If you don’t have local support yet, try calling the DA helpline, or webchat perhaps? I think that it may be easier to get through to helpline later at night perhaps?

I don’t know which powers that be you refer to? I think we should use Margaret Atwoods Handmaids Tale to explain. Do you refer to the service that is the Aunts? Or the power that is the Commanders and the system that they enforce?

So what would Women’s Aid be and other charities like it- they’d be those people in the state that is liberal still and that try to help women to get out from Gilead I think.

Does this make any sense? Sorry ultimately strong, I’m prattling on but I get why you may not want to name services directly.

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Random
I’m really sorry to hear about this. I don’t know what support you have in place already but accessing whatever support is available to help you to cope with the process can help. You have no control over the system but you can take control of accessing support and learning strategies to help you to cope. I know that can sound incredibly frustrating to hear when you just want it over already- I’ve been there. Still am there to some extent. It can all get so overwhelming and so it can help to access some support to get some reassurance.

If you haven’t got any of this already, some ideas for support are contacting your local domestic abuse service to request a support worker and to see what groups/online courses are available- something like Freedom course. Consider contacting your GP to ask about counselling services- there are some rules around counselling for survivors prior to court but some services offer pre trial counselling and there are other short courses available like mindfulness etc. There are helplines like the National Domestic Abuse Service, Samaritans and Victim Support that you can contact to talk to if you just want to offload. The Mind website also have a really good website with a forum and support ideas too- they also run local services and there may be support in your area. I was checking out one area today and they are running on-line drop in sessions. If this was sexual violence there are also specialist Independent Sexual violence Advisers hopefully you may find more on rapecrisis.org.uk if this is relevant to you- they may also advise of specialist counselling support.

Ultimately though Random and this is just my personal belief as a Survivor- you did the right thing in reporting, for you and for fellow women and girls. At times this may not console you but I assure you that you are standing on the right side.

I hope this helps a little.

Soulsearcher

[Soulsearcher18]

And yet, the technology is so, so much more advanced. It must be possible to gather far more evidence? Except that they’d actually need to want to convict perpetrators, instead of support them to go free right?
And, do they offer drug testing, urine, nail, hair samples as standard…. Nope! Failures. Absoulute Failures.
To be honest, I find this the most abhorrent thing of all of it.
And yes, the bar is high but when cases aren’t even being put forward… When they are being fast tracked to lesser powers that be that are clearly misogynistic and proud, with no jury.
Don’t put a poster out there telling us to speak up and speak out, to then turn round and further humiliate us.
Tell it straight.
Rape and Sexual Assault is not a priority in the UK- It is not a crime in the UK. Just tell it how it is.
Disgusting.

[Soulsearcher18]

Women’s Aid, Refuge, Domestic abuse charities- we should be on the streets marching on this. They march for Black Lives Matter- for George Floyd and the injustice, the Young march for climate change and their exams- we should be with them marching and speaking out for the abuse we experience. When? Where? How?
We should be uniting with these groups and being a part of the movement for change.

[Soulsearcher18]

…she dreams
because we are too enslaved right? Too busy fighting the systems that support them and blames us, too busy trying to hold on.
So when?
When will we tell them Enough?

Agreed, every report is an act of courage- absolutely.
One day is too late though Watersprite.
Rape and sexual assault is unacceptable, action is needed now.

[Soulsearcher18]

Definitely worth taking part in, I understand it is being offered online but if you can do it as part of a group safely I believe this is the best way. Everyone has very different walks of life and experiences and if you can respect that and find the strength to open up and participate, it can be a great tool towards recovery,

[Soulsearcher18]

Oh this sounds so familiar. I’m sorry to hear of your experiences. It is incredibly hard to confide in others if they’ve been groomed too. I was lucky and had a couple of friends out of area and out of the clutches. Id highly recommend chatting to a da worker because they will get it straight off , let them be your support initially until you understand it better yourself . Then you can explain to others, some will get it, some eont. Those that don’t aren’t worth th bother anyway. Various ways to contact a way worker on this site via chat, email, or phone. Or is the directory to search for local da services. In the meantime keep posting here if you need to, so many of u get it completely. X

[Soulsearcher18]

Chocolatebunnie, I am sure that I have connected with you on here before and I am sure that the topic that I responded to was concerning, in terms of abuse, but I have to be honest and say that I have spoken with, responded to quite a few posts, i think this was some time ago so I can’t remember I am sorry.

To be quite honest, I am having doubts right now about whether I am in a good place to offer support, respond etc but I am hoping that is just old feelings rearing their head.

Anyway, I am going to answer honestly to your post and I truly hope that it doesn’t cause offence, or stop you from continuing to reach out. After all, it is just my thoughts on the matter- others will respond I am sure and you are free to ignore this, or respond to me.

Basically, my thoughts on reading your post is that if local authorities are involved, then it is time to start seeking some domestic abuse support from Women’s Aid or your local service if you haven’t already and to get some professional advice and support. There is a whole lot of education and support that you need that local authority may not give you, as their priority is the children, limited resources etc. Something like the Freedom Programme would be good but unfortunately I don’t think courses are running because of Covid, ideally if you could access a local DA worker to go through this with you maybe. There is a book by Pat Craven, Living with The Dominator- that is what the Freedom course is based on.

What does EWMHS- is this like CAMHS counselling?

[Soulsearcher18]

I would consider contacting 101 because you will get through to them and they too can support you.
I realise contacting the police likely wasn’t what you were hoping for in the first instance, but this sounds really high risk and unpredictable. I am sorry, I don’t mean to cause you panic with my words but I just want to make sure you are safe and supported.

Remember, dial 999 if you are in immediate danger. I’m also going to put a link below which gives info on ‘The Silent Solution’ , this is if you are in a situation where you need emergency help from police but can’t speak. You can only do this from a mobile though. Details in link below.

https://inews.co.uk/news/silent-999-calls-how-to-press-55-police-advice-watchdog-277598

If you get this message now, it’s is incredibly late/early and now might be a better time to call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. Also, if you continue to not be able to get through to local or national number. You could try the e-mail facility, or the webchat facility on Womens Aid- link below.

I need help – information and support on domestic abuse

If you don’t get opportunity to call any of above numbers, could you try to get to a GP? Don’t be put off by reception, this would be an emergency and they should give you an urgent appointment, also face-toface ideally due to it being emergency. You can then confide in them and they may be able to advocate for you in getting further support.

I hope this helps, please let us know your thoughts and how you get on.
Take care
Soulsearcher x

[Soulsearcher18]

Great post, so good to hear this. Check out ‘The Chicks- Gaslighter’ great song.

I hadn’t known about gaslighting until a few months before I got out and when I did it was a revelation. Couldn’t unsee it then.

Enjoy your freedom xx

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