Starlight

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Hi Confused,
This might or might not work for you, but i had a similar situation with my son.
I did the following: i set the ground rules, when he didn’t respect them, i packed him off to live with his Dad and new Gf.
He stayed there for 2 days and begged me to come back home to me.
The grass apparently wasn’t greener and the Dad didn’t like it one bit either.
I read my son the rules again after taking away his mobile and all privileges for 3 months, this was part of the agreement of having him back and he changed his bad attitude. I have never experienced that again from him in 3 years now! Be stron. Set your boundaries and dont tolerate any disrespect off them.
Big hug to you xx

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Thanks Katielove,
I am going to do just that tomorrow. I cant risk it getting much worse so going you lig it with them.
I will feel so much better too.
Xx

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Thank you for your advice Whizzy11. I am petrified of what would happen if I do go to the police. Not sure what line of action he might take. More abuse..blackmail, contacting others. He has in the past contacted both my ex husband and ex partner and discussed me in a demeaning way and then later through it in my face. It wasn’t that I had done anything wrong, just that I had been in previous relationships and he wanted to proove to me that he had checked up on every detail of my life and told me things that proved to me he had done so. He is so jealous and insecure about anyone I had previously, even though it was before he was around and made me pay for that in the form of interrogating me on a daily basis. It got so bad, I started getting panic attacks and anxiety. If I never answered he punished me, if I did answer he punished me. I was damned if I did and damed if I didn’t.
He apparently now has a new girlfriend too, he met her apparently the day we split up?! I think it must of been before, but like you say….poor girl!

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dear Marthmoo,
This is a challenging situation. I have to say I agree with Tamra and Falling sky. I have also travelled this road, but the good news is, although it’s a bumpy journey the end result is positive.
I also have a son and daughter, and like Tamra says, the treatment is different for each. My ex didn’t like my son at all, I see now he was threatened by him and tried to get him moved out of the house. He was a young teenager and also got ignored and told me that whenever my ex was around (not his father) he just wanted to stay in his room. He hated the way my ex treated me, and lost respect for me, whenever I took him back. It nearly ruined our relationship. But, I worked on it slowly and compromised and slowly but surely I got back our relationship. Since my ex has gone, the relationship with my son has gone from strength to strength. He is very supportive. I was honest with him and told him that he and his sister was more important to me than anyone and I have proved it. I just wish I had had the strength to do it sooner.
My daughter was different. She has special needs and my ex tried buying her off and getting her to side with him against me, which wasn’t nice for me, but he needed an ali, she took full advantage of his generosity, so good for her. She also didn’t like him though and just used him. Glad someone did though. She’s now being a preteen thinks she can be disrespectful to me and treat me like a second rate citizen at times, but I am being loving but being firm at the same time.
As far as their own father is concerned, both my children saw him for what he is, and choose to have no contact with him. I never stood in their way, when seeing him, but knew they would work it out for themselves. It took a while but it’s best. He made my life living hell in the process, but it just alienated his children from him.
Thinking of you MM, it will come right. It’s hard to think about what this might have done to our children. But you need to hang in there. Take back your place as their Mum, be supportive of what they have gone through too and give them a voice, show that you are listening, be loving and put them first.
Big hug xx

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Thank you 2BFree,
I am a little nervous about going, but think I must even though it seems like everyone says it’s an emotional roller coaster. I don’t want to go backwards, but forwards and I need to understand more and get more knowledgeable about this situation. Thank you for sharing

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Dear Sugar,
So glad you have made the first step by post by joining this forum and posting. What hou and your children have been through and endured is heartbreaking. These ladies have given you great advice…. Get support. Di it for your children. I am not going to sugar coat it by saying everything will be great once you have taken the next step. Its a journey, but every day is once step closer. Like my support lady said to me, we need to view the healing process as a ladder and each rung up the ladder is a step upward and oneard. I kept pictures of my children close and whenever i feel weak, i look at those faces. They keep me focused now. We want the best for our children, and ourselves. You are doing the right thing by taking the first step.
The reason we want to hold on to these men, is because they have conditioned us into believing we are nothing without them. They strip us of confidence, dignity, self worth. Its all part of the plan. They alienate us from friends and family or any contact with the outside world. This makes us reliant on them for any form of contact, little bits of affection and they control us in every way.
Its because you are so conditioned to being around him for all these things that being on your own seems so daunting. It’s definitely not love! You can with support, get through this. You can find yourself again, learn to build your self confidence and self love and connect with your inner self. Slowly but surely you can build on relationships with family, friends new and old. It just takes baby steps, one at a time.
You will all be so much happier in the long run. You can always count on the lovely ladies here for support. They have been really helpful and insightful to me.
Big hug to you and remember.. You can do this! Xx

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Thank you Moon. I am not diing it this month as apparently they are fully booked, which says alot about the men in the area, but perhaps it gives me a chance to get stronger too. Thanks for sharing 🙂

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Thank you so much ladies for the feedback. Its most helpful. I can understand it being distressing and at the same time helpful.
I am going to give it a go and see how it goes. 🙂

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Wow Tamra, the more i read about your situation, my eyes just get wider as I cannot believe the similarities that both of our ex’s exhibit. Its so scary!!
They do only want one person at a time and alienate all my friends, famiky and even tried putting my own kids against me to get them moved to their Dad!
I also used to be expected to have sex all the time and the sulking if I didn’t!! Oh Wow it wasnt worth not doing what he wanted.
I hung on to the first month of our relationship when he was so attentive, caring, loving and seemed like the man of my dreams! It all went down hill after that snx i hung on and on.
I did have a chuckle White Rose at the 1 item on your list…. I think we can all relate to that one 😉 I have thoughts of extreme behaviour too. I have to stop myself which isnt easy at all. I just have to suck it up and live with it i suppose, or else i am no better.
Feeling lonely today again. Everyone is busy with their own lives and i dont like burdening the very few friends i have with all my problems. A big tgank you for you all for always listening and being there for me xx

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dear Tamra, big hug firstly. I wish i could offer you a magic cure, but there isnt one. White Rose is right, you are justified in your feelings of sadness andconfusion. These seem to be the steps of healing we are all going through. Its like grieving. I can understand how youfeel 100 %. Its like you were writing my own story. I also didn’t realise what i was putting myself through, until my Mum said to me, that i have being enduring abusive behaviour in all my intimate relationships in various form from young. Its what caring, selfless, giving people do alot of the time. They sacrifice themselves for the ones they love at their own cost! These guys are predators, just waiting for someone like you to come along, so they can infect us with their poisonous behaviour. When we eventually gather some strength to leave because we are almost broken, they swan off to go and inflict themselves on some itherpoor vunerable soul!
You are hurting, maybe angry at him and yourself ( i know i am angry at myself for being so naive and wasting so many years at everyone elses and my own expense)
The way forward for me is to do as was suggested yesterday. Find 5 positive things to focus on to achieve this year. I know that one of mine is to study a new course, it gives me something else to focus on. I also am going to do some volunteering as i think helping someone else with also give me purpose. Those are just some ideas to get you thinking. They are just my thoughts.
I also feel low and sadand hurt and a bundle of negative emotions as its only been a little while for me too, but i need positivity now. I like White Roses idea about keeping his texts or mails etc to reread to bring us back to reality when we feel like you do now and ache for him. I feel like that too, but i am rethinking whether i miss him or the idea of him. There is a person out there for you who will love you unconditionally the way you shoukd be loved and treated. Be strong in the knowledge that everyday you are one day closer to healing yourself and finding that new person. This is a new year, we have 365 opportunities presented to us, one for each day if the year. Opportunities to find our own happiness. Happiness is that which gives us pleasure and purpose. Its inside of each of us. We just have to believe in ourselves.
Thinking about you Tamra. Big hug and love xx

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What great words of encouragement from you all Blue eyes, Tamra and Amethyst. You are so inspiring and comforting. Just what i needed to read in the middle of the night.
Going to work on my list of 5 positive things to achieve for 2016! Great idea, itwill replace my usual middle of the night thinking :). Hugs to you all xx

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Dear Unity, we all care about you. We are all in this together and understand what you are going through. Perhaps you have been on guard before and only now you are no longer holding all these emotions inside you.
Living with paranoia, having to defend yourself constantly etc is draining and mind altering and not nice to have to live with at all. If i could give you a hug, make you a cuppa and just be there for you i would. I know what its like to go through this alone. ( i think the Samaratins must know be quite well) i hate the evenings, like now. Cant sleep, mind wont stop thinking about things and wishing this pain would go away.
Keep posting, it helps. Love and hugs right back to you xx

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Thanks so much Falling Skies and KIP. I have blocked him in every possible way. I don’t contact him and he cannot contact me, unless he posts letters to my address, which I can’t stop or calls from another line like a landline that I don’t recognise. If I hear his voice I do put the phone down, so he has stopped that. Its just the letters now. I am going to take all these letters to the police as soon as my children at back at school next week. I was apprehensive about doing this as not sure what the repercussion would be, but I am at my wits end now. The emotional roller coaster of hell is what he has put me through. I like your comment KIP about lowlife pathetic little man…. thats exactly what he is lol! thanks for the support ladies. Where would I be without you all

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Hi Unity, Yes it must be normal as I have done it as well. We cry the minute we get some privacy as we can’t let our emotions show at work or in front of the kids or family.
Its our way to get through it. Let it out. its a long process and we question whether we could have done things differently. We do start questioning our choices. I left mine about 15 times and he coaxed me back every time as I weakened.
It must be extremely hard for you not having your own permanent home. Some stability in your life at least. I feel for you. Its hard being on your own after being in an abusive relationship. we are used to being controlled and now we have all this time and choices to do what we would like to and we don’t know what to do as we are still conditioned even though they are not there anymore. I think it must take time to find ourselves again and our new life.
Hang in there. Big hug. We are all here for you and I am praying that you and Falling Skys find your new homes soon.

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Dear Tamra,
I can understand how you feel about missing your ex. It is very hard and confusing. One the one hand we miss them, as we think about the few good moments. They seem to stay in our memories somehow and the bad memories seem to disappear?!. Then when they manage to manipulate us into having them back, we are instantly reminded of the reason we didn’t work in the first place.
I put it done to unconditional love. That we love the person and will tolerate just about anything they dish out. I know I did.
My ex always had an answer when I said I loved him… He would say.. Do you?? and it was something he used to get me to try and prove that I did and it meant me doing everything and anything to show him.
I know what its like having to think of him with other woman. It makes a mockery of what they claimed they felt for us. I do believe now today, that my ex has never loved me, as no man who truly loves a woman unconditionally would ever treat her this way at all!.
I think we hold on to their love as we are conditioned as Falling Skies mentioned. We get told no one will love us as much as they do, we believe everything they say that is belittling to our characters and in the end, we think less of ourselves as people. This reduces our self worth and we believe we don’t deserve love or are lucky to have them to “love” us.
I have found that since I am now free of him, I am not used to having my own life and free to make my own decisions and it has been hard to change to a new way of thinking. I have ended up on anti depressants, not wanting to live and lost my zest for life. I feel like a failure in every way.
But, I have had lots of time to think over the last few weeks and I am about to get back up, dust myself off and start 2016 as a new book in my life. I am going to make positive steps in all areas of my life. I am going to take my control back and build on my own happiness. So I am studying a new course, got a new dog (she loves me no matter what) and going to make a few new friends (I wasn’t allowed any before). I have moved around the furniture and giving the house a spring clean 🙂
I am ruling off the last chapter and book in my life and starting a whole new book, with new plans, traditions and experiences. It is giving me something to look forward too.

Here is a virtual hug for you. Thinking of you right now. Hang in there Tamra. Everything is going to be alright.

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I can fulling understand how you feel Tamra. It is so hard and the pain you feeling is almost unbearable. You have turned inside out for this man and now he has left you for what he thinks is something better.
You are a caring, loving and committed lady and you gave your all. I know how that feels when all you get back is negative criticism, mental anguish and then to be dumped like a useless possession for some other possession.
I was replaced within a few days although i just know he was seeing her before although he denied it.
I also go over the life they are probably having and wondering if he thinks of me or if shes doing all i did for him. Its being cruel to ourselves but we cant help it! I turned inside out for this man as did you and even thats never good enough for these men.
Just have to try move forward now. Iwas living from hour to hour but now just take it one day at a time. Its not easy its the hardest thing i have ever had to face.
Wish i could be there to give you a hug xx

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Thank you ladies for these very kind words of wisdom. You have all really helped me process all of this. I have been beating myself up for so long and i see now that perhaps I shouldn’t have.
Perhaps i will actually get a decent nights sleep tonight, instead of waking up and mulling over everything in my head for hours.
Really do appreciate all your support 😊

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You hang in there Tamra. It is hard for all the reason you say and especially as we have been conditioned to feel its all our fault and i was told constantly that I blew it. You believe it and started questioning my self worth and my identity. I feel like i dont know who i am anymore as what he kept telling me i was and what i thought i was are miles apart.
I do feel like its my fault and i brought this on myself as i left him but i had to because i was on the verge of self destruct.
Now i am like you, crying my heart out, because of the pain, hurt, how easily i was replaced and how happy he seems.
We are left feeling like nervous wrecks and they seem content like they have no worries in the world. Where is the fairness in that.
I feel i NEVER want another relationship. It affected me so badly.
I am going to get myself a little dog that will love me know matter what and doesn’t expect me to justify my every move.
I am thinking about you Tamra and sending you a virtual hug. We are all in this together. You are stronger than you know and you are better off without him too even though we dont feel like it sometimes.

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I am so sorry oknow. You have really struggled and are now dealing with the after effects are your bad relationships.
I understand completely how you feel with regard to alienating your family and friends. I had the same. My advice is to take baby steps in working on your relationships with them. It will take time, but eventually you will see them come around.
I can see it from my childrens side as i put my partner before them and even told my son to leave at one point as he didnt get on with him. They lost respect for me as a Mum as i kept taking my ex partner back after saying i wouldnt. It went on and on and eventually i had alienated everyone by choosing his happiness over everyone elses. Its the guilt and constantly having to justify yourself that makes you do these things.
I have got out of that relationship now and focus on my family and relationships with my close friend and found a new friend too. You can do it, hang in there, we are all here to support each other.

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To all of the ladies here who are going through this Christmas with a heavy heart, I send you all my love and a big hug.
Its not easy and we are filled with pain, hurt and moments of regret as we remember the good moments which we seem to hang on too.
I am thinking about you all and all your very sad stories. As i read all of your posts, i feel your sadness and pain.
It helps me to know that I am not alone in this and best of all, that we will get through it no matter how tough and in time we will look back and say, we are stronger and so much better off. Hang in there everyone, we are all in this together 😊

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Thanks you so much KIP and Hopesprings. I am so glad I have found this forum to share and read other ladies like yourselves story. It does help so much.
I don’t have a local womens aid yet, as I keep calling and get the answering service. I was given the details about woman aid from my Doctors room. I will keep trying to get hold of them though.
I don’t have any contact from my side and have blocked him in every way I can think of, but he is sending these letters by post to my address. I must say that he moved house  (detail removed by moderator) months ago and even though we were still seeing each other, he said he felt I didn’t deserve to know where he lived as he didn’t trust me emotionally!! So I still don’t know where he lives. I can’t stop the post from arriving, so thats what he does. I have promised myself that the next letter that arrives ( I have a box full) I will NOT read.

Do you know that because I am a single parent and lived in a different town to him, he managed to manipulate and control me so much so that he got me to believe he had been divorced for years, when in fact he was married all the while. When I left him the first time, he attempted to kill himself and called ME when he got out of hospital and like a idiot, I felt so sorry for him, as he had no-one to help him, not even his own family wanted to know him, that I took care of him physically and mentally for (detail removed by moderator) years, all the while he was controlling and manipulating me. I lost my family and friends as he would play the guilt trip thing on me and say I didn’t love him, so I gave everything and everyone up. Only an idiot like me, would want to take care of someone that had just deceived and lied to them, along with interrogated and treated them so badly. thats why I think I must be crazy or something. But, I loved him and I wanted to help him and I put him before myself and everyone else. After that, every time I had to walk away, he threatened me with taking his life again and I didn’t want to be responsible for that. Its part of how he held onto me. I needed to leave him constantly, because of the verbal abuse and belittling. His behaviour has made me feel like life biggest loser.
He even said bad things about my Dad passing and blamed me, saying I am a bad daughter. My Dad died from cancer, nothing to do with me.
I am so not looking forward to Christmas, but have to put a smile on my face for the children. My daughter has special needs and doesn’t understand all of this and I don’t want them to see me unhappy as its so not fair on them.

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Hi Tamra, i am so sorry to hear you are suffering like this and in all this pain. I can relate myself. Just salked away from my own relationship only 3 weeks ago and i was replaced in less than a week.
It really hurts as our feelings are way behind our knowing inside.
The crying helps a little and having your friends around to support you is a blessing. Just take it a day at a time. Its really hard this time of year and i know all sorts of yhings keep running through your head, i know they do in mine. Its very upsetting and i feel sick inside, but it will pass xx

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