TiaMaria

[TiaMaria]

Hey bettertimesahead,
I think one of the reasons we want to excuse or justify the behaviour is because it feels like we have completely wasted our time and we still want that person to have loved us and invested in the relationship as much as we did. However unfortunately that is not the case and that is HARD to accept. You have to recognise that the relationship you THOUGHT you were having was never the relationship you were having. That takes time to process. And we try to change the narrative so it isn’t so painful.

By the way a lot of narcassists are alcoholics. And most people who are mentally ill who are not abusive. What I mean is – mentally ill or not – there is no excuse to be abusive.

[TiaMaria]

Hey there brokenheartedgirl1234,

I am so sorry about how painful this all is. I remember the feeling of loving someone despite how horrific they were to me.

I would really suggest reading this article on trauma bonding: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
It explains how abusers lure us in and how both chemical and emotional bonds are formed to that abuser despite how cruel and abusive they are to us.

Please don’t drop the case and please stay away from him. He is extremely dangerous. Please report this contact to the police.

[TiaMaria]

I feel so sad reading this, and also rage.

This guy is not your friend. He is your rapist.

Do NOT stay silent in order to protect him. This is absolutely something you need support for, so share it with the people you would normally share this stuff with – do what is best for YOU – as well as seeking professional support. This is NOT something a regular person would do, let alone someone who has love for you. This is categorically rape.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I personally would report this to the police, but this is probably going to take time for this to sink in that you have been raped, let alone reporting it. However, I am in the middle of a similar situation in which a friend greatly betrayed me and sexually assaulted me and I have reported this to the police (detail removed by moderator), so if you ever decide to report or even just want to talk about it, I’m always here.

[TiaMaria]

Hey Bee,

What an absolutely rubbish time you seem to be having at the moment. It can and it will get better though. I have a chronic illness and whilst most of my symptoms are mostly non existent currently except severe chronic pain, I have been in a place where everything felt (and was) impossible. But there is absolutely no reason to feel stupid by yourself just because you have a disability. There are many of us out there! I don’t know if you have Instagram but there is a whole community of people with disabilities and chronic illnesses and that helped me SO much when I was in a bad place with it all.

At the end of the day, he didn’t need saving from himself. He is a narc. You were focus on saving the wrong person – it was you that you needed to save. From him. Now you are out. And I know it is shite right now but look at what you have overcome. SO. MANY. THINGS. What a courageous person you are.

It sucks that you feel so isolated, again, the disability community is AMAZING so I would highly suggest finding connections there. It is a shame your friends are not responding, have you explained how vulnerable you are feeling? If they don’t really respond to your bid for connection and help then they are not real friends anyway. Which also sucks. But we learn and grow and find new, better connections.

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, is that an option available to you?

You’ve got this.

[TiaMaria]

Hey, welcome to the forums.

I’m so sorry to hear about this really rubbish time. I totally understand how you are feeling. The only “why” is because he is an abuser. It had nothing to do with you, so the only closure you will get is no contact with him. I know you have a child but you can ask for supervised visits only and this be done without you having to be in contact with him.

It sounds like you are also experience complex PTSD as a result of the relationship, so definitely seek help and talk to your GP. There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about – this is serious trauma.

I’ve been posting this left right and centre but I found this article really helpful: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

I’m glad you are here!

[TiaMaria]

Hey, welcome to the forums, I only joined a few days ago but my abusive relationship was a long time ago.

What you are describing sounds very typical of an abusive relationship: love-bombing, moving very fast, making you feel special and different to the other women he has been with. Unfortunately it’s all part of the manipulation of winning your love and trust and creating a trauma bond.

I would recommend reading this post about trauma bonding: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

I’m glad you are here.

[TiaMaria]

Hi there,
I of course second all of the above, it is very good advice. Another option: do you have a friend you could stay with whilst you work things out? As they said above, leave anything with tracking behind.

My heart goes out to you as I read what you have written. What is happening to you is terrifying and I would advise getting out of there as fast, and as safely, as possible. This abuse is very serious.

I would definitely contact a domestic abuse helpline to get advice on how to leave. It could even be an option to get the police to come and escort you as you leave to ensure your safety – you may want to speak to them and see how they can help. You could ask to use a friend’s phone to do this.

All the other questions: think about them later. Again, as said above, take this one step at a time.

We are here for you. You are not alone.

[TiaMaria]

Hi Flowersandcats,

What happened to you is awful. Your abuser will always try to minimise, gaslight, manipulate, and invalidate what they did to you.

Definitely look up the resources above, and if you want to chat to someone going through the reporting process for a sexual offence, feel free to dm me if you would like to.

Sending you hugs.

[TiaMaria]

I send everything that KIP has said.

You will find someone who will adore you and treat you how you deserve to be treated. But for now, focus on yourself. Get some counselling if this is an option available to you. And when you are doubting yourself, ask yourself this: would you have ever treated him how he treated you? What advice would you give to a friend in the same situation? Would you ever believe it could have been your friend’s fault that she was abused? Be kind to yourself. You deserve love. You do not ever deserve abuse. Ever. There is never a justification for it.

[TiaMaria]

Well done! Any attention is good attention for someone like him.

If they ever are given any breadcrumbs to sustain themselves they will never stop – they will keep feeding on any breadcrumbs of communication hoping that they will eventually get the whole loaf. But if you give them nothing, the hope is they will eventually recognise they aren’t getting their fill from us and move on.

[TiaMaria]

Hey again Eyesopening. So sorry to hear how much pain you are in today.

Have you looked up trauma bonding? I just posted this link on another thread but it is really helpful in talking about trauma bonding: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

Remember that it has only been (detail removed by Moderator) months. This is a very very short amount of time and the feelings area going to still be so raw and fresh. It will get easier.

[TiaMaria]

Hey! It sucks how you are feeling. Have you heard of trauma bonding? This is what makes it really hard to leave an abuser/find it difficult to navigate the emotions around the abuse.

I read this recently: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding which explains it all quite well and might be able to help you understand why you have such conflicting feelings about your abuser. I would also recommend the book “The Body Keeps the Score” which is about how trauma impacts us mentally and physically.

I hope you are able to find some clarity, but it takes time. Sending hugs!

[TiaMaria]

My abuser always used to say that we were as bad as each other in order to shift the blame onto me or at least share half of it to say we equally contributed to our toxic relationship when in reality he was extremely abusive and all my insecurities, neediness, clinginess, and low self-esteem that meant I was in constant need of reassurance – that all stemmed from his abuse.

Abusers use these blame shifting tactics so they can take zero responsibility for their own behaviour. I’ve been listening to Mental Healness on YouTube recently – he is a self-aware narcissist and he talks a lot about how narcissists think/feel/manipulate/etc. He said his therapist asked him if he feels guilt, and he said that he feels guilt for a short amount of time and then is able to shift it off very quickly onto his partner e.g. “if she hadn’t done X, then i wouldn’t have done Y, so really, it’s her fault i did Y”.

My ex has also consistently made me out to be holding a silly grudge against him because I refuse to respond to the many years of his online harassment, and makes me out to be holding a silly grudge to others when he has asked for my contact details and they have said no she has said she doesn’t want you to have them.

They will never stop trying to make us look like the ones at fault. They just don’t feel empathy, love, compassion, guilt, or shame in the same way we do. You just need to get to a place where it doesn’t matter what he thinks about you any more; where it only matters that you know who you are.

Are you seeing a therapist/able to see a therapist?

[TiaMaria]

That sounds absolutely rubbish, I’m so sorry to hear that. But this is a particularly rough time. It hasn’t been long since you left and the feelings must be so raw. Give yourself time to heal. I would encourage you to have a look in your area to see what options are available for counselling/therapy. Talk to your GP about how you are feeling if you can. You don’t have to go through this alone. Do you have friends who can support you?

Also, maybe you could use this time to try and find some new hobbies to help you pass the time.
Reading, gaming, sewing, knitting, puzzles, Netflix, drawing, painting, writing poetry, writing short stories or long stories, setting up a blog…there’s a lot to explore that could help distract you and give you a focus.

[TiaMaria]

I suppose that when people who haven’t experienced abusers imagine what kind of person they are, they imagine a very black and white image of someone. Someone who is and acts wholly bad all of the time. In reality every abuser isn’t JUST an abuser. They are multi-faceted.
Someone could be an abuser and have an amazing sense of humour and take care of their elderly mother.
Someone could be an abuser and be the most fun person to play board games with and be an avid lover of cats.
Someone could be an abuser and be the the best fun when on a great day out together.

In a huge amount of abusive relationships there aren’t just bad times – otherwise in many circumstances it would have made it much easier for us to leave. I think it is about being able to both separate that tiny moment in time (“those couple of hours I felt happy and was enjoying myself with them”) and also see it as a whole (“but that entire relationship was hell and that person was still my abuser during all those moments”).

Sometimes it makes me feel almost guilty for remembering a small moment of joy in a hellish relationship and smiling about it – as if I am invalidating the abuse myself and I shouldn’t have any good memories whatsoever because that relationship was horrific. That people might not understand why I’d have any good memories whatsoever. But it’s more about accepting the nuance of these things and not feeling guilty or like it excuses the abuse just because some memories bring a smile to your face. It will never invalidate the pain that they brought you.

It seems like you have a really good grasp on it as you mention that you have these positive memories but they also don’t make you feel any differently as you are very aware that he is abusive and have no desire to go back to him. You’ve talked in the post about what it doesn’t make you feel (any desire to go back or feel differently about the abuse), but what is it exactly that it is making you feel when you are having these good memories which prompted you to post? If you feel able to share of course! 🙂

[TiaMaria]

Hey EyesOpening, I think so much of what you said is 100% accurate but I do think many abusers are driven by insecurity – or this is one of the drives at least. One of the defining traits of a narc is that there is a severe deep-seated insecurity within them.

Jealous, possessive, and controlling are classic traits and ownership is definitely a big drive, but why does someone seek to own someone? That is about feeling powerful, and you only need to go to such gross extreme lengths if you feel small and insecure. Obviously this isn’t the ONLY drive but it is definitely part of a whole story.

In my historic abusive relationship we were really young but I was more sexually experienced and experienced with relationships than he was. He was abusive in all the ways except sexually and it was primarily driven by his jealousy around other guys. In later years when we weren’t together he became popular and “cool” and had girls falling over him. When we got back together he was never physically abusive to me again. He was still abusive but it was very different, and was more about treating me like garbage and gaslighting me.

I know he has gone on to be physical with other women but his abuse definitely changes between when he feels more adored and powerful than when he feels insecure and small.

[TiaMaria]

Yes that is still sexual assault. A participant in sexual relations needs to be enthusiastically consenting. If you are frozen, not participating, and clearly not enjoying it, he is going to notice that. If he doesn’t stop, that’s sexual assault – rape even, although I can see this may be hard for you to accept.

I absolutely think that this behaviour is extremely typically abusive behaviour. It is controlling and possessive and he is seeking to take away your independence and isolate you from others. I encourage you to get out ASAP.

Also, for any future relationships – a relationship doesn’t need to be abusive to be toxic and unhealthy and one which you need to live for your own wellbeing. However here, these behaviours ARE clearly abusive.

[TiaMaria]

Then I think it is just about accepting that it is okay to have those memories. It doesn’t invalidate the abuse or how you feel about him as a whole. I feel very strongly negatively towards my abuser but I can’t deny that there were some times we had a real blast together. Because if we didn’t, I never would have stayed for so long and endured the abuse.

[TiaMaria]

No I totally agree – I assumed it was a shared child, as he will have rights to see him, so was just suggesting how to go about it if he demands to see him.

Hope you are feeling okay today.

[TiaMaria]

I walk most days, but find that my thoughts are worse when I walk – but I refuse to stop doing it as walking is a big part of my life and I live in the most beautiful countryside.

I will keep trying re the diagnosis. My doctor is usually great but hasn’t been very helpful in getting me an official diagnosis here.

Thank you for your help and suggestions <3

[TiaMaria]

Or, framing it another way, you were always good enough. He is just a sick individual.

[TiaMaria]

No worries I hope it helped!

[TiaMaria]

Hi I thought I responded but I now can’t see my reply to you so I will try again…

What is the Shannon Thomas book about/like? Any good?

I feel like I am in a storm at the moment but with no way to release because I am not really able to cry. I hope that you will keep finding release and relief with each cycle and continue to feel better each time.

I have heard of yoga having that effect on people but have never experienced it myself. However it has always been really relaxing for me so I really should make the effort to get back into it again especially as relaxing is what I am lacking right now!

Ah right yeah so weirdly we seem to have no domestic abuse services locally to me. I have used websites like Womens Aid to search for any in my area and there seem to be none! I have also gone to my GP about the CPTSD but haven’t been offered anything but also we only ever get offered CBT around here. It seems like a desert for pretty much any other services. I am struggling to even get a formal diagnosis of CPTSD at the moment – both my GP and a psychologist who assessed me agree I have it but for an official diagnosis I have to see a psychiatrist, which my GP declined to refer me to at first but when I later protested she referred me somewhere but it was somewhere without any psychiatrists so was not helpful at all. I have an appointment with her tomorrow to talk about it further though.

I hope you are doing okay?

[TiaMaria]

Hi Eyesopening, thanks for responding.

I will look up that book now!

What did you mean by DA? Will talk to my GP about EMDR but as far as I’m aware everyone is referred just for CBT around here which is rubbish, but can’t hurt to ask. I do however hate the whole “6 sessions” thing – how do we heal from something so big in 6 sessions???

The counselling I am looking at is based on income, it is not EMDR but is person centred therapy. So I am going to look into that on payday as there is a registration fee.

Ah i will definitely look up the vagus system thing you recommend. I used to do a lot of yoga but don’t really do much anymore – maybe it is time to get back into it!

I don’t know whether to say sorry that you aren’t holding back tears today as letting them flow seems like a necessary and good thing. I find it REALLY hard to cry. Only twice earlier on when my abuser had moved back did I have a complete meltdown with very intense, loud sobbing. Since then I haven’t been able to shed a single tear. I feel like I would feel a bit of release of the inner tension and pressure if I could do that more often! I hope you feel a release of some tension after crying today.

Edit: I just looked up the book but it comes up as by Louise Hay? Can’t find one by Shannon Thomas.

[TiaMaria]

Ah right, I am not someone who get on with mindfulness I’m afraid, but I am glad it worked for you! I do a lot of walking but I’m just scanning the area waiting for him to appear or wondering if he is in every car that drives past. Ugh!!!
Hahah you’re so right “let the waves wash over me and hold onto my sanity” that is how it feels a bit. I guess it is getting the balance right between finding (healthy) ways to cope and accepting that it is going to be a rough ride.

[TiaMaria]

I hope the therapy goes well. What type of therapy have you chosen to do?

[TiaMaria]

Hi KIP, thanks for responding. I am halfway through The Body Keeps the Score actually! I am very aware of the psychology and physiology behind trauma which is why I said that having the knowledge hasn’t made it any easier, which sucks!

I am not able to afford EMDR unless the charity I am looking at provides it, I don’t earn enough to be able to pay for normal rate private therapy, but I have heard very good things about it. I wish it were an option for me, but maybe some time in the future. I definitely could not afford a solicitor nor would I have grounds to even get one right now.

What do you mean by you find minds really good for distracting the brain?

I am aware of a criminal record of his in the other country. One unrelated to abuse. The other was related to abuse but was dismissed by a judge. Of course again, this is in a different country so he won’t have any record here except for when i reported his harassment years ago and was met by a completely invalidating response. I probably will report all the stuff anyway just in case, but it definitely won’t make me feel safe as I have zero faith in the police.

I guess what I’m saying is I know all the Big Life things I should be doing to deal with the trauma, I just want to be able to connect with people going through the same thing, and also hear what people do in the moment when things feel really overwhelming.

Thanks so much for replying, it sounds like we are on the same page with the things that would be helpful long term.

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