Velveteenbun

[Velveteenbun]

First of all you have made the right choice. I can relate to a lot of this when I broke up with my ex he was the same accusing me of living the life of Reilly and not being bothered or upset. There are a lot of red flags in what you have said he has said, he says he didn’t know how it would affect him, he’s bothered about himself, not letting you go is another one, you don’t belong to him and yet this phrase would suggest he thinks you do.
He is just trying every tactic under the sun to get you back, he’s given you an ultimatum that didn’t work, he ended it to try and get the reaction he wanted and it didn’t work so now he’s trying begging and promising this is literally how they do it. Please don’t doubt yourself this is text book abusive behaviour and he won’t change they are incapable of changing.

[Velveteenbun]

That is disgusting. I am sick and tired of men treating women like objects. Reading that makes me so angry. How dare men behave like that. He has absolutely no right to do any of that and a real man wouldn’t. Real men don’t need to degrade women to make themselves feel better. It doesn’t matter that you are married you are still entitled to privacy and you have a right to say no to anything you don’t want.

[Velveteenbun]

Thankyou so much for that. I thought as much. I had considered he has taken legal advice or even his family has advised hin of that much. When he is being kind and reasonable it makes me question my own behaviour and makes it harder for me to take action I know is going to hurt him at least financially if not emotionally

[Velveteenbun]

No you are not over reacting. My ex used to get angry if our son woke him in the night. I used to take him downstairs to avoid an argument.
This sounds like abuse. The throwing of car keys concerns me. I found with my ex and still find he pushes the boundry. If he does something and gets away with it next time it goes that little bit further and then a little bit further. It ended with him almost raping me after ohr relationship ended. He had gotten awY with so much sexual abuse that he stopped seeing where the line was. Luckily he realised he had crossed a line before he actually raped me but it wasn’t a nice experience and I have been terrified of him since that nivht because I know he is capable of anything if he thinks he can get away with it. Anyway my point is it is likely as he gets away with things his behaviour will escalate until he is dojng more than throwing car keys at you.
I would recommend ringing womens aid they are fantastic and will offer support. Also go to your gp and make sure you log with her or him the behaviour and how it is effecting you and any physical signs. Keep a record of the abuse. Don’t doubt yourself they are very very good at making you do that.
If you have lied to your partner because you are scared of his reaction then he is abusive. End of. xxxx

[Velveteenbun]

(I have actually been toying with the idea, since I am poking the bear as it is (detail removed by moderator) and  I am too much of a coward. I am worried if I take him to court because he can’t afford that there is a chance if his family can’t lend him the money and he thinks he is going to lose his son, which is how his mind would work he would kill me then kill me then kill himself. So asking for maintenance would be exacerbating that problem)

[Velveteenbun]

If I asked him for maintenance using the csa he would probably kill me, I actually don’t know what he would do but I have no desire to find out.
The sight of my phone, with all my mens nunbers in obviously because I’m a whore, is enough to trigger his anger, a letter from the csa is way beyond that.

[Velveteenbun]

I agree with healthy archive. I have spent my ljfe moving from man to man, like I need the attention to survive. I have always felt I needed to be in a relationship that I wouldn’t be able to function or look acter myself only own. I think I am realising even though I am in this relationship that I don’t need him. I can survive on my own, I don’t need him to make me feel complete. I enjoy his company and I love him but I don’t depend on him for anything. I think if we split up I could be single I certainly wouldn’t feel the need to rush into another relationship. Give yourself time to heal x x x

[Velveteenbun]

Yes they advised a strongly worded letter from them first. I am entitled to legal aid but my wage last month due to overtime was just over the threshold and thry go on your last months wage slip. I am not doing overtime this month so decembers wage slip will fall in the requirements for legal aid. I only have about 6 weeks now till I get that wage slip.
If he can hold off harrassing me till then it would be great I can cope with collecting my son early for the next few weeks if he isn’t harrasing me and turning up at my house. I know his current “good behaviour” isn’t a permanent change but I am hoping it lasts until I can get legal aid and I am hoping when this mask does slip it isn’t going to be like a pressure cooker.

I probably need to start another thread for this but if he hasn’t been paying me maintenance will that count against him in court if he is arguing about an extra nights contact?

[Velveteenbun]

Can I make. Prohibited steps based on this alone. I was under the Impression he had to stop contact altogether. I neex to speak to my solicitor on monday. I have been waiting for documentation to finish my claim for legal aid to come through. I am hoping to have it in the next week.

[Velveteenbun]

I think you have done right. My idas worker keeps telling me to listen to my gut feelings. So if your gut is telling you something it is probably true.
Making any kind of demands on you or your time is not normal or healthy behaviour. It is taking me a while to realise this but people who love and care about you do not place demands or conditions on you. They do not try and control you. They do not exhibit excessive irrational jealousyand they treat you like an equal. They respect you and your wishes. My ex has zero respect for me I doubt he ever has done.

[Velveteenbun]

I know how you feel. I am in my first serious relationship since I split with my ex. Our relationship is moving very slowly and he has proven he isn’t anything like my ex. However any slivht display of jealousy and my defenses gl up and thd rrd flagscome out.
I would say those comments are red flags. Personally I would proceed very cautiously. it dependsn the situation. For example if my dress was inappropriate for a particular occasion I would expect my partner to say something but my ex refused to let me wear a particular dress out without him because he said it was a pulling dress. It was approriate for an xmas night out with friends it was his jealousy that was the problem. Does that make sense

[Velveteenbun]

Arrrghhh he can’t even tell me the truth about something as sinple as his relationship status. Be claims the girl he was with is now his ex which to be honest I didn’t believe. I have just been to collect my son and she was there woth her daughter and they had spent the night. He has a two bedroom house. I don’t know about anyone else but I tend not to sleep in the bed of my ex if we are “just friends”. Plus my son says she is daddys girlfriend

[Velveteenbun]

I have a solicitor who is dealing with it. The problem with stopping contact is it would mean I couldn’t go to work and my son wouldn’t be able to go to school because there would be nothing stopping his dad from pulling him out of school. That goes for his dad as well he couldn’t stop contact because I would just collect hik from school early or his grandparents house while his dad was at work. If his dad did try that I could put a prohibitive steps motion through and my solicitor is all ready to that if needs be.

[Velveteenbun]

What constitues as sexual abuse. My ex tried to rape me although the date that happened I don’t know. Throughout our relationship he coerced me into having sex with him and I woke up on a few occasions to find him initating sex

[Velveteenbun]

I am sure it will, I keep thinking one day he will trip himself up and thats it. They are just insecure little boys who wouldn’t know how to behave like a decent manif they read a how to manual.
It is just pathetic.

[Velveteenbun]

My ex used to do this. He told me thinhs about his family and his work colleagues and their relationships that weren’t any of my business. It makes me wonder what he has told people about me. I feel like he is starting to show his true colours or at least I am starting to see them for what they really are.

[Velveteenbun]

I have rung them for support. In fact I rang them tonight there wasn’t anything they could do to help but they talked through the situation with me and helped at least put my mind at rest.

[Velveteenbun]

Thankyou so much. I feel much better knowing others hsve experienced this level of lying. It makes me wonder what else he has lied about If he can so blatantly lie now. I am keeping the messages from today. One of the occasions he has lied about other people including my parents know about plus I was taken to a and e so I imagine there is a record of that. He is literally caught in a lie and if he is caught in that lie it opens the door for people to assume he is lying about everything else.

[Velveteenbun]

She was just completely unhelpful and didn’t believe me. I am going through the courts now. I don’t think his dad would hurt him but I didn’t think his dad would hurt me. I have witnessed him lose bis temper with our son and break one of his toys before I wish I had done sometbing about that at the time because I am starting to think that might be a warning sign he could harm our child. (He destroyed a lot of my possessions before and then on the night he first assaulted me).
I wish I had done so mamy things differently, I have been so blind and so stupid.

[Velveteenbun]

That maxe me laugh so with the night I am having thats a good thing. I just feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. I keep getting sucked into arguments because I want him to understand but everything gets twisted and he just seems to want to “win” even if that means downright lying.
He plays the victim, like I am accusing him of all these horrible things, trying to make him look like a monster. I hope when our case goes to court a judge sees through him and his ridiculous behaviour.

[Velveteenbun]

So gald you have escaped, this is wonderful to read x x x

[Velveteenbun]

That literally sounds like my ex. He would check my phone and social media. Even now I get paranoid leaving my phone around pmy new boyfriend. I go to the bathroom and panic trying to think if there is anything in it that he could misconstrue.
I remember one night we tried bdsm and it was awful he really hurt me and I couldn’t make him stop. It was horrible. He used to badger me constantly and go off in moods if I refused.
He used to call me derogatory names and its funny you used the term put out because he used to use that.

[Velveteenbun]

He is claiminghe is going to see his solicitor and sue me for defmation of character. I am sick of this I just want this to be over.

[Velveteenbun]

I know exactly how you feel. When my ex is acting horrible I find him much easier to deal with than when he is being nice. I know the nice is just an act, just another trick in his magic box but it really gets me. I am at a point where I know I need to put my foot down and I know I need to take hin to court but its killing me having to do it because I know its goingto hurt him, cost him money. I wish he would behave reasonably and see the contact arrangements are as such for a reason and he gets a very good deal considering his past behaviour but it just won’t happen. These men think the world revolves around them and they are entitled to what they want. They are just more important than you. I know it is hard but keep telling yourself mr nice does not exist it is just a mask.

[Velveteenbun]

He told our son through the door to smash everything up in my house.
I am worried he might have a drink and stew over my latest transgression and come back later. I hope he goes to his parents and they calm him down and stop him coming back round

[Velveteenbun]

That is what I keep telling myself. If he was in my position he would take everything he could and not give me a second thought

[Velveteenbun]

I know exactly how you feel. I am really struggling with my new relationship as we approach the point in my previous one where his behaviour started to change. It is really difficult to accept that my new partner isn’t like my ex. That no means no to him.i was having a shitty week the other week because my ex is being an ass again and he didn’t even try and touch me once. When I mentioned it he ssid he knew I wasn’t in the mood. It was sort of like oh this is how men really behave.
I think I trauma bonded massively with my ex. I get really confused because I don’t want a sexual relationship with him, he made sex such an awful dreaded experience for me while we were together I couldn’t have sex with him but I feel sometimes like I want to be back with him. I just cannot comprehend that feeling because I know it isn’t love.

[Velveteenbun]

Nope, a harsh answer but my experience. I had this sort of talk with my ex about 6 months before we broke up. He used to call me horrible names in a mick taking sort of way and various other things that made me feel horrible it stopped for a little bit before it slowly filtered back. They can alter their behaviour to suit their needs but that isn’t them chnaging it I just another mask.

[Velveteenbun]

It feels weird. I find myself panicking especially when he asks me what I want to do when we are together I want to give the right answer but of course there isn’t one because its a genuine question.
Overall it is wonderful I feel totally different to how I felt with my ex I don’t feel like he is trying to stifle me. It has been threr years since we broke up and my new boyfriend has been with me for a year at christmas.

[Velveteenbun]

I don’t know what to advise as I a haven’t been in that situation. It sounds like he doesn’t want to go, the attention won’t be on him but nor does he want you to go without him because you know your world should revolve around what him, that part I can relate to.
I don’t know your situation and how dangerous it is so my advice I can give might not be applicable. Can you not say to him calmly but firmly that you are a family and that comes with certain obligations, he doesn’t have to come if he doesn’t want but you are going and you are taking the children. Don’t get drawn into a discussion. If he is anything like my ex he will have a mantrum and throw his toys out the pram, probably sulk and guilt you but stay strong and don’t budge.
If he does prevent you from going by some other means then make sure you are honest with your family. A mistake I made was constantly covering and making excuses as to why I couldn’t go places, when I left it was even harder to have to convince people of his beahviour because I had lied for him.
If he is violent this is probably not the best course of action. I am going on whag would have worked albeit with a lot if stress and difficulty for me.
Ring the helpline and I am sure they will give you better advice for your individual situation x x

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