Whathaveidone

[Whathaveidone]

I watched it too and was disgusted.

I can’t really say much but I drew a lot of parallels to my own situation but thankfully for me, the police did listen it’s going to court in the near future.

[Whathaveidone]

Whendoesitend, I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience what many of us on here have experienced as well. I would just like to reiterate everything SunshineRainflower wrote. None of this is your fault and your ex will never change.

Up until last year, the person I was with seemed so charming, kind, caring, funny. He gave me the emotional aspects of a relationship that I had lacked my whole life but he used and manipulated my vulnerability because I was very young when this started (basically the relationship wasn’t even legal). He then slowly changed his tune and started blaming me for EVERYTHING and I mean everything : my thoughts, his thoughts, my behaviour, his behaviour, the behaviour of others…it sounds ridiculous now but I just believed eveything he told me. He was a complete control freak. Yet despite all this, I still wanted to start a family with him because I would deny what was actually happening to me and just focus on the positive parts of the relationship.

Remember that pics on Facebook only show what people want the world to see. Therefore it isn’t a reality. Your ex may seem happy with his new partner and baby but this is just a facade: an image of a supposed happy and secure relationship. I can guarentee you this isn’t the case and unfortunately for his new partner and baby, they will suffer with the abuse that will inevitable come if it hasn’t already unless they get away.

What we’ve experienced is traumatic bonding where the person who is providing you love is also the person abusing that love as well. It’s all about power and control for them. Nothing else. It was hard for me to accept this but I eventually saw that he didn’t really love me, he just wanted power over me. He didn’t want to ‘protect’ me, he wanted to control me. Obsession and possession is not love at all. For so long the person I was with made me feel like there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t do anything right in his eyes. I was constantly crtiticied for things – which he would claim he was just pointed out things to “improve” me as a person and “develop into the best person I could be” because he loved me so much and other people don’t tell me these things because they don’t love or care for me. I would constantly doubt myself (and still largely do so it has had a long lasting effect).

I too am so grateful that I didn’t have children with this person. I made a complete u-turn in my way of thinking its actually amazing because I went from wanting a baby with him because I loved him (or believed I loved him) so much, to not wanting him to be anywhere near me now. Having children with him would have been the end of me. I also thought that having children would change him and he would stop being so abusive. I have come to the realisation that this is not the case and from what I’ve read from other women’s experiences and from books, they can get worse. You’re effectively bound to him though any children you may have in some way.

Really I could write so much more but just know that none of this is your fault, you are much better off without him, you are safer not being with him (I also thought I was largely safe with my previous partner despite him being otherwise but human psychology is a fascinating thing), what you are feeling is very normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. It will get better in time, trust me on that one but it won’t be easy and don’t suppress your emotions, they are there to help you through this.

Hugs xx

[Whathaveidone]

Serenity that was so eloquently put and I agreed with every single word that you have written. At first my new found freedom was a bit overwhelming and I was a quite scared of being in control of my own destiny so to speak as a was so used to somebody else dictating my life and living up to the unrealistic and unhealthy standards of abusers It’s such a wonderful feeling to have the freedom and liberty that should have been there from the beginning anyway and to choose things that you want to do and learn so much in the process. It certainly does get better with time and for me I appreciate every little thing that happens to me. I have never felt this happy and its such a wonderful feeling.

[Whathaveidone]

Roll It Gal – Alison Hinds

“…Independent and ya strong gal
And you set di pace
Fit and healthy living long gal

Free yourself gal, you got class and you got pride
Come together cause we stronger unified”

[Whathaveidone]

Katy Perry – Hot n Cold

“You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you P.M.S.
Like a girl
I would know
And you over-think
Always speak cryptically
I should know
That you’re no good for me”

[Whathaveidone]

I’ve just started counselling and it’s so good to talk to someone about my feerlingsdfeerlingsd. I’m usually as very quiet a d weithdrawn person but wswshen I’m speaking to my counsellor, the time just flies, by as I always have something to say! Also, I like the fact that I can go to a safe space away from home to speak about me and noons else without judgement.

[Whathaveidone]

Sia – Elastic heart

 

(removed by moderator).

[Whathaveidone]

Beyonce – Me, Myself and I

“I can’t believe I believed
Everything we had would last
So young and naive for me to think
She was from your past
Silly of me to dream of
One day having your kids
Love is so blind
It feels right when it’s wrong

I can’t believe I fell for your schemes
I’m smarter than that
So young and naive to believe that with me
You’re a changed man… “

[Whathaveidone]

CHRISTINA AGUILERA – “Can’t Hold Us Down”

“…This is for my girls all around the world
Who’ve come across a man who don’t respect your worth
Thinking all women should be seen, not heard
So what do we do girls?
Shout out loud!
Letting them know we’re gonna stand our ground
Lift your hands high and wave them proud
Take a deep breath and say it loud
Never can, never will, can’t hold us down …”

[Whathaveidone]

Fallingskys, thank you so much for this post. I feel similar to how you are and I’m at the early stages of regaining my life and making my own destiny. Its been less than a month of no contact, at first I felt really overwhelmed but now I’m starting to starting to see the positives a lot more.

[Whathaveidone]

Healthyarchive, I’ve had no contact (both sides) for a shorter period of time than you but I still feel controlled by him. I keep thinking about what he might be doing, what he might think of me, what mood he might be in, will he come and hurt me after the investigation is over? I used to do this when we were in a relationship aswell to prevent him from having a verbal outburt. For days in a row, I’ve had nightmares of him hurting me and my family and in those nightmares I feel the same as when I’m awake.

I have so much freedom now I don’t really know what to do with myself sometimes because when I was with him I had to ask for his permission to do anything. Now that I don’t have to, sometimes I think “what would he say if I did this” before making a decision but I’m training myself to listen to MY inner voice, not his.

I sometimes wonder if the abuse was even that bad so this makes me feel guilty but I know when I was with him, the emotion and sexual abuse was so bad, I felt so suffocated and at points suicidal so I have to remind myself that I can never doubt the abuse. I think my mind is actively trying to blank it out.

I think I love him but am not in love with him anymore. I thought the love was reciprocal but he was so controlling I now don’t think he loved me the same way I loved him. It was all just manipulation and tactics to try and monitor me and how I was feeling all the time that’s why he always told me that we should be honest with other. I was but obviously was not.. Lots of empty promises.

Even picking basic things like what clothes to wear or styling my hair and walking outside, I feel like he is watching me and I m trying adjust to wearing what I WANT to wear without thinking about his opinion of me.

However having said all of this, there is NO WAY I would get back with him. I’m too scared and with what I know now, I just want him as far away from me as possible.

[Whathaveidone]

same here. Its only early days for me but I havent left the house for a number of days because I’m still scared. I worry I won’t be able to socialise again – I haven’t made new friends since I was with the abuser which was many years ago.

[Whathaveidone]

Thank you SunshineRainflower. Glad to hear you’re also progressing with your course too. We won’t let them get in our way! I can’t wait till I start uni when I do – it’s been my lifelong dream.

[Whathaveidone]

Thanks so much Serenity.

I disclosed to police what had happened to me because I knew I wouldn’t get full support from my family. I thought I was recovering quite well starting college and all and then this happens and it reinforces my sense of shame and guilt and makes me feel like I was to blame. Your words make sense to me though.

Thank you.

[Whathaveidone]

Thank you so much Positiveandlookingahead. I’m so grateful for this opportunity because it really feels like I’m moving forward with my life. I’ve literally taken my life back into my own hands.

[Whathaveidone]

Thank you so much Suntree!

[Whathaveidone]

Yes KIP knowledge certainly is power and I am really enjoying college at the moment. Did you enroll onto the part-time introduction to councelling course?

[Whathaveidone]

Thank you so much Falling Skys. College, although sometimes challenging, is great! I’m so grateful.

[Whathaveidone]

Thank you so much Shelly. Although the workload is alot, I am relishing this opportunity and would rather this than living with abuse every day of the week. I am grateful for everyday I have now that is free from abuse.

[Whathaveidone]

Thank you lover of no contact. I am embracing the new challenges that college brings but I love it because it’s far from the life I lived before where I was suffocated and under constant surveillance by him, not being able to continue to earn or learn and being totally reliant on him. No more. I love the freedom and have totally taken my life back into my hands which I am absolutely loving – free from abuse.

[Whathaveidone]

Thank you Serenity and well done to you. I also hope to achieve the same – invest in myself in terms of furthering my education in order to get a secure job so that I can support myself.

[Whathaveidone]

Thank you Ayanna. The majority of women have to put up with a lot of s*** but this is in no way going to deter me from reaching my goals and achieving my dreams like I let him do before.

[Whathaveidone]

Thank you so much. Although challenging, I’m enjoying college so much – it helps me see that I’m progressing and moving forward with my life.

[Whathaveidone]

Thanks so much Million pieces. You’ll get there one day in your own time. I honestly sas about to not go bevause i was so unsure of mysekd and worrying so much about what people think of me and if i would stand out too much …etc. I literally forced myself to go because I knew if I didn’t, I don’t think I ever would.

[Whathaveidone]

That’s great that you’re playing football! I was thinking I would join some sort of sports group in future as I used to play Netball – but I don’t think Im ready four that just yet. Sports is great as it can relieve stress and you meet new people just as you’ve done.

[Whathaveidone]

Thanks FallingSkys, it was definitely not easy. I wasn’t going to go at first but when I was there, I sensed that I was not the only one who was nervous so I didn’t feel as lonely.

[Whathaveidone]

“He even told me that he loves me, even if he doesn’t always act like hoe does and takes me for granted. Within a few days though he was back to the sullen, miserable man he normally is.”

My ex said exactly the same thing to me. This is all part of the cycle of abuse.

He also smashed his phone in anger once because he couldnt get his own way. It also wasn’t directed at me but i was still near him. Initially, I thought it was because of the stress of working (detail removed by moderator). Turned out over the years he became more abusive, aggressive and coercively controlling.

He once threw an object to my door, the object bounced back and hit me on my leg leaving a temp mark; He’s thrown bowls of food everywhere; cut up my mums (idem of clothing removed by moderaor); he’s ripped up a (detail removed by moderator)belonging to his own relative and smashed the remote control all infornt of me and close others. He once threatened to smash up everything in the place and then commit suicide all becasue I didnt want him to use my (item removed by moderator).

These are all red flags. Any normal person would not behave in this way. My ex was very controlling, manipulative and intimidating and yours does too.

[Whathaveidone]

I feel exactly the same – you wrote the exact same words I was going to.

[Whathaveidone]

Oh – understood. Thanks Lisa

[Whathaveidone]

Thanks for sharing this HealthyArchive. It just feels like he still have a slight control over my mind still even though were are physically apart. I try to block it out as best as I can and keep telling myself that its the right thing to do. My mum is in total shock and it is breaking my heart as well because she is blaming herself for whats happened but its not her fault. It’s none of our fault. He blamed everything on us and controlled us all and even though he’s not allowed no contact, he’s still managed to destroy some of our happiness.

The police are investigating but it just feels like they don’t believe me which is not helping. I know its procedure but…it doesnt stop how I’m feeling.

I’m going to read the books you’ve been suggesting by HG Tudor at some point. I’ve just had information overload from so many people, internet, books I’m still trying to process it all. In my heart I know it will get better some point but for now I’m just trying to survive.

[Author]

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