Butterflyboo

[Butterflyboo]

I can totally relate to this, and unfortunately a lot of people have believed him because on the outside he’s a nice bloke. Insult to injury to be made out to be such a bad person after everything he did to me. I really, really, really struggle with this, it’s so unfair. I’d love to say I don’t care but I do, and I don’t think there’s any way of convincing those people that it’s just not true. Until or unless he does it to someone else……and then I hope all those people realise what they put me through by believing his lies.

[Butterflyboo]

I don’t think it’s you being weak, I think it’s really normal and self-preservation. THat must have been a shock finding him in your home. I am the same – hide, avoid, anything to avoid seeing him or his flying monkeys. In some ways I hate that I can’t hold my head high as I’m not the one who did something wrong, but I guess we all do whatever we need to get through – if hiding your face works for you then don’t worry about it x

[Butterflyboo]

No, you’re not an idiot. It seems so clear cut to people on the outside, but living in that situation clouds all judgement and ability to see it for what it is. Even a long way down the line I feel shock and shame and guilt for ending up in the situation I did. I know if it was a friend, I would believe she wasn’t too blame but struggle to believe the same for myself if that makes any sense. I think that’s because their tactics are so clever they totally mess with our heads, you just need to keep reminding yourself it was him that was the problem, not you x

[Butterflyboo]

This is good to hear Dragonfly, agreed that no-contact is the way to go, took me a while to figure that out but it’s true x

[Butterflyboo]

Yes, my brain processing it all I think but even a long way down the line I had bizarre dreams that I had got back together with him. I found it really disturbing because that isn’t something I would in a million years do. It will get better, take time to relax before bedtime, warm bath all those sorts of things and keep reminding yourself when you do get on that it’s just a dream x

[Butterflyboo]

Oh Fizzylem I *totally* get what you’re saying and how frustrating and unfair it is when they get praised for being “superdad” when we know the truth. It’s interesting what you said about him turning up when he never showed any interest before – my idiot ex did that too, suddenly became “super dad” doing all sorts of activities etc which he certainly didn’t do before.
It really winds me up too when people make comments or don’t get it – and I don’t know what you do with the anger, I just know I feel it too, it’s so painful and unfair. I also have friends and family that don’t get it, but I’ve got to the point now where I realised I was winding myself up trying to make them see it from my point of view, because they probably were never going to. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still bother me though! Hang in there, you’re doing a fab job, this will get easier in time x

[Butterflyboo]

I’d strongly recommend counselling, I’ve recently started having counselling 2 years down the line from leaving my abuser. Sometimes what I feel is all mashed up and tangled up in my head and I can’t see it clearly or make sense of it. Counselling is really helping to untangle it which can only help me in the future feel less confused. I won’t deny it’s hard, and sometimes I feel exhausted going through the emotional stuff that I usually keep shut away, but short term pain long term gain and all of that x

[Butterflyboo]

Urgh my ex did that too when he wasn’t getting his own way, a power thing because he knew it scared me. No consideration at all for the danger he was putting his kids in and how frightened they were.

[Butterflyboo]

Ah TheSunflower, it’s hard isn’t it? It sounds like you’re doing really well, but I get what you mean about the anxiety. Have you thought about having some counselling? x

[Butterflyboo]

Thank you all, it’s so helpful to hear how others are doing. I just wish I could stop feeling scared when I’m not even exactly sure what it is I’m scared of and like I have to hide all the time. I know deep down the answer is time, I just feel like other people must think I should be over it by now. I had been no contact which helped to some extent, but due to issues with children I have had to communicate by email which has caused me a lot of upset. Living in the same town is so hard, mutual friends who took sides, but I want to stay in my town – I don’t want to move and have that be yet another thing he’s taken away from me.
I guess I’ll get there eventually, to the point I can laugh in his face. In the meantime patience, time and healing x

[Butterflyboo]

That’s awful that they said that, and so very wrong when it was clearly self defence. It’s so hard isn’t it when professionals who are supposed to know better don’t get it? I totally get why you feel so devastated, it’s just not fair x

[Butterflyboo]

Yes, totally normal! I’ve had exactly the same and it left me feeling really disturbed for a few days afterwards. I’m further from having left than you, but randomly had a dream recently that I was thinking about getting back together with him. Never, ever would I even consider that so it really confused me what was going on in my brain. I try to think of it as our brains are still trying to process what has gone on, but it’s shocking when it happens so be sure to look after yourself and do what you need to to feel better again x

[Butterflyboo]

Hi Snowplower, I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I think it’s pretty normal, to be doing ok and then have something catch you and set off a whole storm of emotions. It’s tough going isn’t it, on “those” days when others don’t really appreciate what is going on inside of us. I think you’re right in how you felt about what your mum said – I’m sure everyone does have off days, but having experienced trauma of DV, an off day for us can be so much more.
It can be a lonely road recovering from DV, there’s no short cuts and it can be a dark place at times. But, there are lots of lovely ladies here who do understand what you’re going through and sharing that journey with you x

[Butterflyboo]

Thanks hun, this is just such a shite journey isn’t it? Seems to be a common theme, the mental health card. I suspect he probably has depression (as do I as a result of what I’ve been through from him, still medicated but getting there!) but as someone pointed out here – he didn’t hit or verbally lash out at other people in his life which showed he *did / does* have some control over it. He just milks it to throw people off the scent of what the real issues are. Unfortunately very successfully 🙁
I kept hoping Karma would catch up with him and the truth would come out….but sadly not yet x

[Butterflyboo]

Yes it hurts AlwaysSorry, I totally get where you’re coming from. Unfortunately I’m still living this a couple of years down the line and *still* can’t find the words to explain just how betrayed and hurt I feel. It makes me so angry and frustrated that there’s no justice, that such clever manipulation and lies have completed shredded me and how others see me. My own family too! I try to put it down to maybe they don’t understand the deception in domestic abuse, maybe they genuinely think they’re doing the right thing “staying neutral”, maybe they have their own issues – but honestly, none of it really works. It really bloody hurts, I know I need to figure out some way to deal with it so he doesn’t keep hurting me……… but I don’t know how.

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