Cecile

[Cecile]

No I deleted his details after texting as I remember doing that. I can only hope that this crazy unbelievable issue has a purpose in the long run. I hate hurting people. My heart is breaking.

[Cecile]

Oh no no no,I just looked at a text from a friend and saw I had sent him more texts last night and have no memory whatsoever of this. I remember deleting his number and details to prevent me doing this. It’s too bizarre. I have completely rid the phone of his contact details so it will never happen again. TBH it was not an abusive text but looking for attention but I am so,so so embarrassed. This will stay in my head forever. I do think though that something in my head is warning me about this guy, sabotaging it. Well it sure is over now…..

[Cecile]

Hi Iliketea so sad to read that you have been so low and drained. It sounds like you need some nurturing to restore your batteries. I experienced similar moods over the new year myself and the cold stormy weather made it worse. I go for small “wins” in relation to self nurturing… a bar of chocolate or a radix bath, a walk on my own. Every day I do,at least one small thing to elevate my mood. I also find writing, self counselling, invaluable. It is almost as good as talking to a friend and I have kept up a journal since I planned to leave him. I wouldn’t have got out without doing this. It helped me to express my feelings, and make lists and plans. I also use it to evaluate my progress and pat myself on the back as when you are low it’s easy to be unaware of the successes you have created. It’s so important that you keep posting here for support. It’s like having lots of nice mummies to turn to when things are tough, and the advice and support is amazing.

[Cecile]

Wow it feels so good to be listened to. Just realised he also tends to slide over anything I say that has an emotive or meaningful context and reverts to funny banter that is hilarious but leaves me feeling hurt. He has also been derisive about my experience of having been abused, he made sarcastic jokes.

I see a record of the texts and calls. Tbh I don’t think my phone has been hacked. They’re from me. If I received the texts I would probably think they were from a rabid fourteen year old … just adolescent stuff. Just wondering if one of them hit a nerve with him….

I have no other experience of “blacking out”.

I keep a journal and see that when phoned me and agreed a date, I fell asleep afterwards and woke up screaming for help when I had a nightmare about him. I put it down to my damaged state post abuse but am now wondering if my Mr Brain warning me again about this man.

[Cecile]

Good advice and thanks. I feel I have been manoeuvred into a type of relationship where I am at his disposal but not vice versa. It’s not nice and I would never have envisioned being in one like this. I am clearly still v. Vulnerable post abuse….. has he taken advantage of me? Without too much detail I have apologised profusely, explained why the behaviours were not intentional and why, and that I am in distress, profound anxiety, and need closure. He hasn’t gotten back to me. That’s not very mature is it? There is a thing of male entitlement with him although he would deny it. He has also come out with bigoted remarks that I found shocking in this day and age….I need a good wake up call I think.

[Cecile]

Yes you are right.I don’t want to believe that could be manipulative. The only things I know about him are what he has told me. Even during the last conversation he ended it abruptly because his child entered the room( Lisa pls don’t redact that is a disguised fact but reflects the occurrence). He said he would call me later that evening and hasn’t and days have gone by.

Not having memories of actions is a symptom of trauma and I worked with people in the past who experienced this albeit in many varied ways. It’s also a symptom of extreme stress.

Oh this is a mess that I should never have begun.everything was ticking over.

[Cecile]

Thanks TS that’s just what I needed to hear. He is bloody stressful tbh. I can’t call him, as he doesn’t want his adult children to know he is seeing me. If a friend told me they were in a relationship like this I would tell her she is insane to put up with it. It’s just he has been flooding me with affection and after decades of abuse that is like water in the desert and so addictive. He is like a drug. I feel high, seriously ecstatic, when I am with him and obviously all us abused ladies know that such a feeling not normal in a relationship. When he leaves it’s like being cast out of paradise and tbh he is not that much of a catch on paper. I know rationally I need to back out of it but my heart is galloping away in the distance like a wild horse and won’t obey me. The experience of being loved is so new to me. Or if he doesn’t love me just having his affection and positive regard. To me it feels like love. Oh dear that’s a problem isn’t it. That is an attachment issue on my part, someone mentioned that in a post above.

[Cecile]

Thanks TS I know that this is entirely about my brain trying to protect me. During the day when I get very anxious (and that’s horrible like having knives in the head and stomach) I can calm myself using techniques from a psychologist. The thoughts dissipate quickly and I recover quickly. I have worked out, thanks to posting here and being responded to, that when I am drinking the ability to manage the dark and anxious thoughts disappears. That’s the issue so clearly I will have to separate from my beloved (detail removed by moderator). I don’t drink anything else and don’t find it hard not to drink, it’s a habit I used for self medicating when with the monster. I am just as happy writing or reading or doing yoga. I am building a lovely little business doing something I always wanted to do so I am in a good place. I just can’t let this last terrible terrible thing hurt me..or him..any more. What would we do without this support?
I do need to get a sense of control over this so if he does not respond to me soon to discuss this and help me put the ghosts of the past to sleep, and to understand what happens, then I will just have to end it. It’s too stressful for me, I have lost loads of weight and feel sick in my stomach all the time.

[Cecile]

Thanks so much for all the replies they are a balm to my soul. I defnitly sent the texts and calls….the weird thing is that the texts all have perfect spelling and are well written….normally I don’t do that when texting. I feel so so so so bad, in a very very dark place. I do know that I cannot do any therapy that would go back over the abuse, my mind literally switches off when I am asked about it. Like soap slipping from your hands. TBH he is not entirely blameless but again my mind is very selective. I have caught him out a few times with lies, I don’t know why he does it. Also at the beginning told me he was looking for a loving relationship then a month ago announced he just wanted something casual. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. The sensible voice in my head is telling me it’s too stressful, I am still too vulnerable (although I have improved over the last few years). I asked him to let me know if he wanted to end it as I can cope with that no problem but he won’t speak to me although he is reading my (nice) texts. I feel as if my heart and mind are being twisted and twisted.

[Cecile]

Shelley Elle when I eventually crept away from my abuser at the start of the pandemic it was with the knowledge that he had recovered from something similar and also had a major bereavement that shook the family. But it was life or death for me because he was trying to kill me in ways subtle and not so subtle. If I had stopped to feel guilty I would not be alive today, so at the time I blanked it and focused on getting out. To this day I cannot talk to anybody about how bad this was, my mind won’t go there, but I do occasionally feel grateful that I was able to ignore his personal tragedies in recognition of the vast harm that he was doing to me. I drew on advice from amazing people on this site to get out, but lost all sense of feeling for a time. A therapist later told me that’s because my mind knew I was in great danger, and in fight or flight our emotions stop. Probably helped with not being sucked into his needs. I never ever regret leaving him. I always congratulate myself for being able to over ride my empathy and do it. Illness is not a justification for harming others. Get past his needs and ignore them and put yourself first.

[Cecile]

Ditto to all of the above. Cant recommend enough the access to good health professionals, long walks, keeping a journal. My precious place is coming on this forum for caring advice when my poor abused head can’t think it’s way round problems.

[Cecile]

Coco b you are a true hero. To be able to come on here and share this is a momentous act of bravery, showing just how deep your strength and power are.
I hope the bastard gets what he deserves.
All the advice above is brilliant. Keep posting on here, it helped me to get out and survive.
I had an attempt on my life, he did something to the car. I am lucky to be alive but there was loads more as well. Some poisoning too. What I struggle to understand now is why he did it. I cannot fathom what thoughts went through his head. I cannot understand what it feels like to want to kill some body. I was just a good wife and mother. As you are. I encountered strong female professionals in the police and health service who were absolutely adamant that I was in great danger, and helped me get out. There are so many women both on this forum and in the health and police services who will want to help you. Keep asking for help and advice and look after yourself.xx

[Cecile]

Fantastic advice I am eternally grateful.

[Cecile]

It’s like waking up on another planet when we escape. With no idea how to speak the lingo or know what’s good or bad or how to survive all these new beings that we now have access to.

[Cecile]

Yes I had a horrific pain in my neck and down my arm that was getting worse and worse and was about to go to the doctor. After I posted this today something loosened in my neck with a mighty thwack and it instantly felt better. If that’s not my body telling/warning me then I don’t know what is.I had headaches, back ache, you name it. All gone now this evening. Funnily enough he had some traits that I liked in my ex-partner and stupidly found charming all over again. I just have ‘stupid’ tattooed on my forehead.

[Cecile]

I can’t advise you because I am so confused and in mental chaos about what is a good relationship, I am also struggling with these issues. I feel so bewildered.I am happy to see you have found some one safe and nice. There are many ladies on the forum who give excellent insights into new relationships and I hope they come through for you.please keep us posted of how you get on with this. Good luck x

[Cecile]

I felt that way for as many years as I was with him. There is light ahead and you will find it. It’s important to be able to give voice to your loneliness and then when you start to fell happy (and you will ) you will be able to give to that as well. So many of us become numb emotionally from the trauma. Your feelings are returning and although they all same dark ones at the moment your brain can make happy ones as well.
Have you thought about getting tablets from your GP for feeling low? They can actually help to clear brain fog and help you to live again. Also I think you should talk to a medical professional about just how hopeless you feel. It can be so exhausting trying to rebuild a life when you feel so drained of hope. Medical staff are paid to help with this, and they want to help.
I never thought that I could be as happy as I am now. It sneaked up on me. It can happen for you also. Hang on in there, and keep posting and getting the amazing advice from the ladies on here.

[Cecile]

A psychologist told me when I was planning to leave that emotional abuse is always highly prevalent when men kill partners. It’s very high risk. I had decades of it, the financial control, and sexual control through withholding sex from me. It’s not illegal but very abusive, this last one.

The single most effective thing that I did was to build a network or support group of professionals. I made a statement to the police so the abuse was on record and that made me feel some level of protection even though he could t be charged. The police gave me a number to call in an emergency and some sound practical advice. They believed me. I told the Gap and she put me on anti depressants to help with the trauma and allow my brain to slow down and have clarity. That was essential and I am now off them but found them great. I told a psychologist who confirmed to me that O am not mentally ill or unstable, but strong a d brave. She gave me a lot of insights into his control over me. I had a bloody brilliant young solicitor who gave a letter of support when I had to flee at the start of the lock down to another country. All these people helped so much and genuinely were appalled and wanted me to be safe. I couldn’t have done it otherwise. So that’s my advice sorry! After all the rambling, get your ducks in a row, be your own best friend, line up professionals to help and don’t tell the b@@@@@d. Just go when it’s all in place. I cannot stress enough how helpful it is to make a statement to the police. It gives you power and control even if he cannot be arrested.
I hope this helps!

[Cecile]

Yep been there got the illness and more. It was like he was a giant evil weight pressing on my neck and my spine and my nerves. I was in such high levels of tension for years, I continually felt as if something bad was about to happen. Now I do yoga and lately………Bellydancing! It’s amazing. I got a dvd on Amazon but there are online live classes also. It really helps you to value your body, rediscover very gently your physicality and sensuality, and it gives a very gentle body work out. I feel pain free today and light as a feather.

[Cecile]

Hi same-again you brave brave lady. Your mantra has to be that you are your own priority. With any dilemma, and fears or anxieties, put your own needs and feelings and desires first. Write down your most valued priorities and keep to them, unflinchingly, to protect yourself from harm. This can be a powerful means to do that. It’s easy to go from victim to rescuer, we all do it who have been abused. Step outside that.Imagine your boundaries as a physical armour around your mind and body. If you are worrying about he treats his partner, you are harming yourself. This is not putting your self first. It is very kind of you, but being kind and empathic is how we all end up being harmed. All your empathy and care must be focused on your own needs. (detail removed by Moderator) will be harrowing, keep all that loving energy for your own needs and getting safely mentally through it.

[Cecile]

Oh thank you so much. The angels are always here to tread with me through the evil bad ways of these…..humans??.. I wrote above that I woke up screaming for my mother recently…that was my subconscious saying “Danger”.

[Cecile]

Oh I dodged a bullet… my instincts to come here served me well… he was awful…
Terrible communication with him tonight. Never again.

[Cecile]

Yes I am very concerned. Went for a walk and have been very low, thinking I disengage from the online dating app as I clearly don’t know, as ever, how to judge men. Then I thought that sounds like my ex speaking, telling me I am a pathetic little woman,etc.

[Cecile]

Yes thanks for the reminders I need them! I love the support and care on this forum, so essential even after the abuse. I have decided to pull back and tread very carefully and very slowly. Also, he has suddenly gone for 24 hours without texting me, now there could be a sensible reason such as he has decided to not be up in my face, or to tread slowly, or be busy. But I have been enduring very high levels of anxiety, wondering if I said the wrong thing or maybe has realised I am fundamentally flawed, a horrible unlovable person.
So I need to not put myself in so much of a vulnerable place.

[Cecile]

No it’s what I need to hear, why I came here with it. Many thanks.you are right.

[Cecile]

Yeah thanks for the advice I am desperately in need of some direction. the triggering really surprised me I thought I was sorted.

[Cecile]

This was abuse and it still is abuse. If you are doubting your judgement on her current behaviour to you then yes, she is manipulating and controlling you. She is probably basking in the light of your success which suits her purposes for the present. You can make a complaint to the police of historical child abuse. You can get help with this. You seem to be a very level headed and intelligent person and the fact you are sharing this clearly shows you know right from wrong. You are very brave and listen to that voice that is telling you that you are in the right. The actions you have described by your mother are truly truly awful, I found it hard to read your account. No one but no one has the right to treat you this way, you deserve to be treated with respectXx

[Cecile]

It’s ok to feel low and even better to share it, and your thoughts. That is a million times better in fact than living with a perpetrator of abuse who has no empathy with you, where as every one here in this forum has endless empathy with your situation.
We have all had to go through leaving and seeking help during the pandemic. The job market has had a knock back. Women are always first affected when jobs and money are in short supply. That is c***,but having the freedom to make your own choices without abuse or control can not be taken from you again if you don’t want it to. The whole lockdown hit us females so hard, but there is not a lot we could do to control the restrictions. But it’s easing, and all crises burn themselves out. Try writing lists of what you want to do, small but achievable, like have a walk with a friend or go for a coffee in a cafe or go the library or go window shopping. Use the choices that you are free to make to help you feel better.

[Cecile]

I came on here today because it’s the anniversary, (detail removed by Moderator), since I was in your position. I was in your frame of mind (detail removed by Moderator) It was terrifying, looking back. At the time I was numb and had lost all sense of emotions and self. A psychologist told me this is the brain in flight-or fight mode. It stops the feeling bit and focuses on getting away from danger.if you could truly get some perspective on your life, and get back your sensitivity to horrible experiences or aggression to yourself, you would be horrified with what you are being subjected to. Even the fact you are afraid to leave or seem to think you should not….ai was there for decades feeling the same. Now I know a home is somewhere you can walk in and out of when ever you want. It’s where you can relax to be yourself, and to feel safe and warm and content. You should have a home, and it is your right to have one. What you are living in at the moment is a prison. There is a universe of happiness and peace awaiting you, I promise. Leave and live.

[Cecile]

Hi Lottieblue

It takes a lot of strength and honesty to write as you did in your first post here. I am so glad I logged on today as I have been feeling the same at times. The problem is that NO BODY knows how to feel during lockdown. Leaving the abusers has a hugely confusing impact on us also so all we escapees are suspended in time at the moment. My abuser was so so so mega controlling that every minute of my day was structured within a rigid prison like environment to please him and avoid conflict. Not that it did. So I find myself having to write endlessly about what I want to do next but not being able to do anything as my mind feels like a chunk is missing, the bit that gets you up and keeps you motivated day in day out. All my motivation for many decades came from fear and anxiety and huge immense pressure from him. Mind breaking levels of stressors. I did find myself missing my identity as Mrs xxxx or the mother in a family group during holidays and celebrations. But I remind myself that it was a facade constructed by the abuser when he always presented in a good husband and father mode, using just the right words and expressions to relatives to convey what a loving husband he was. Again like the sun coming up I know this was deliberate on his part. That yes he really did invest huge amounts of energy on covering up his true nature in front of others.
Waiting for the lockdown to end to live my life is not going to work. I realise this after reading the posts here.in some ways I have welcomed lockdown as it gave me a quiet space to recover, which I desperately needed.

As for contact, stop it. I have none and it has been a blessing. I have not missed him for a single millisecond, a sad indictment after decades of marriage. Because he lacked a rounded personality and could not relate to me personally or emotionally or intimately, there is nothing to miss. I have no memories where I felt any joy or happiness or fulfilment with him. A good day was a day with no temper flare ups or aggression by him. I still loathe myself for staying with him for so long. I beat myself up mentally for never having been able to see who he really was. I was so so stupid.

[Author]

Posts