Cosmicasca

[Cosmicasca]

I think everything he’s saying to you is the absolute opposite of what you are, and probably what he thinks of himself. He’s trying to put you down because he knows perfectly well you are not ugly, and that you likely look more attractive then his ego can cope with. I bet you’re better than him, basically, and he’s painfully aware of that.
Who made him the fashion police anyway?! 😉

[Cosmicasca]

He sounds predatory to be honest. I totally agree with Eclipsed about the codependent traits and about the concerning sexual aspect where he just uses you and can’t read you. I think his codependent traits might turn out to be just a veneer and he’s actually more predatory than his needy ways initially suggest.
I can see why you’re worried about ending it. Do you know how things ended with his ex? How did she escape and what was he like? Might be valuable information that will help you get out safely x

[Cosmicasca]

Yes I had a female friend with similar traits to him and she did this when she heard or saw me approaching! Very weird! Or she’d sing what she was thinking as she heard/saw me. Like the line of a song would come out and the lyrics would be related to whatever she/I was doing at the time. No joke, it was bizarre. He never used to do it. I’ve never seen it before.
It’s almost like a nervous reaction but misplaced because they don’t really feel in the normal way.
Thank you for this, I have often wondered about that!
PS: Mercifully I have never experienced the farting!

[Cosmicasca]

Just that it didn’t work out. I live in a very small town, so I only tell people anything more than that on a need to know basis.

[Cosmicasca]

In my case, it took several attempts to psychologically and emotionally break free. Keep trying, eventually I think there will be the final nail. For me it was when I realised he was never going to change, and I deserved better than to feel like rubbish.

[Cosmicasca]

I concur with Grey Rock too regarding old friends. One of my oldest friends who lives far away was there for me through messaging when I was going through it, and still is around now I’m out. I had moved to live with him you see so had no one physically around me that I knew. She was a godsend.

[Cosmicasca]

I can relate, and have felt strangely low, and that I was not worth getting to know and why would anyone bother with me. I have been self-isolating quite a lot since I got out and shying away from new friendships.
Then I remembered how the isolation, the smear campaigning, the being surrounded only by his people, and the general attacks on my self-confidence and self-esteem had a bigger impact than I could see.
It helped me to put a finger on why I was suddenly a hermit. I guess I’m trying to say that you are not alone here, that it’s great to have this forum where we can heal, talk to each other and see that we are worthwhile, and that there are good friendships to be made.

[Cosmicasca]

Thank you so much Lisa, I have been making some strides since I posted xx

[Cosmicasca]

Sending love, you can do this. Remember another person’s opinion of you is just an opinion. You know you and your story. Let them judge xx

[Cosmicasca]

They don’t change. Mine has recently gaslit me again and the feelings of cognitive dissonance were awful. The two sides thing 100%, I have felt the same way about him. It’s weird how they invoke such similar feelings in so many of us, it’s like they come out of a factory somewhere.
Hang on in there, just wanted to let you know I’ve felt the same way and he still hasn’t changed in a number of years. I realised he was did similar stuff at the start too. Much love x

[Cosmicasca]

I too got chills reading your list, Ariadne, he was the same. I might try the Freedom Programme myself, thank you Scarecrow for letting us know about the online version 🙂

[Cosmicasca]

It’s the trauma bond, explained brilliantly by others above, and it’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced. I’m away from him now, but just now, after momentarily coming away from participating here to get something from the room, I found myself suddenly thinking about him and feeling sad he hadn’t texted recently. We stayed “friends” (guess it was safer) so we send the odd text. I realised and stopped myself thinking “What?!” So in the space of a few seconds, my brain switched from participating on this forum to acting like his abuse had never happened, and then it switched back again when I realised. That’s the trauma bond 💕 It’s lessening over time, I must say, even with contact, but it’s there and it will take time to process xx

[Cosmicasca]

Your post just reminded me of the time he shut the lounge door as he entered, knowing I was right behind him. He had just been trying to put the frighteners on me over something in the household that I had no control over, and we were leaving that room to go into the lounge. He essentially shut the door in my face. This happened very early on in living with him, and it was a warning sign. I knew it at the time but it’s so subtle yet so obvious isn’t it. It didn’t get better. Much love to you.

[Cosmicasca]

Thank you so much for both your poems, really spoke to me 💖

[Cosmicasca]

I just wish to add that it’s heartbreaking to realise who he was, and I’m still 50-50 in denial. Bizarre isn’t it, how we can still be in denial.

[Cosmicasca]

It gave me a massive wake-up call. I recall looking at it after the first few red flags. I only found one or two behaviours across the whole wheel that applied to him. I thought oh it can’t be that bad then. A short time later (after another red flag that turned into argument but seemed lovingly resolved) I had a niggle to look it up again – an instinct. I argued back with the instinct that it hadn’t really applied last time I looked at it so what was the point. Nevertheless I gave into the niggle and I got the shock of my life. In just over three months he fitted at least one or more things in every spoke on the wheel, average three or four, one or two spokes they did everything as I remember. The escalation and the realisation of who he truly was was stared me in the face, and it has really made me understand what I’m dealing with as I move forward.

[Cosmicasca]

Thank you so much Darcy for your reply, i felt comforted when I saw it because I experienced another thing today. I think I’ll just stop mentioning anything relating to the abuse to that person now, and stay here where everyone understands. It’s said that most counsellors don’t understand, isn’t it, so I guess we can’t expect it from the general population unless they too have experienced it.
Oh I get you about the drama. That was one of the reasons I made excuses for his red flags in the beginning “how bad can it be” I thought, “these things only happen in movies”.
Thank you again Darcy, love to you xxx

[Cosmicasca]

I can relate to the isolated incident thing, I think that’s maybe a reason why people outside don’t get it. The behaviour is subtle, contextual, behind closed doors (we see the person others don’t see) and part of a bigger pattern. With each isolated incident our instincts within the situation kick in, something others often do not grasp when we try to explain that no, it wasn’t about the money, or the fact that it was raining – it was abuse. Abusers don’t think the way we do and it’s hard for those who’ve never experienced it to understand that.

[Cosmicasca]

Yes, do any of you relate to it feeling almost like a spiritual connection that we’re obliged to stay in? Like we’ll give up on them or something if we leave? So weird.

[Cosmicasca]

I have noticed I definitely feel more comfortable around women at the moment. I’m giving myself the time and space to do that, I know it’s because of what I’ve been through. Hopefully I’ll balance out again over time.

[Cosmicasca]

Oh, this resonates I just realised with my own situation. That was what he was doing the whole time breaking me down psychologically and spiritually first. It was just under a year that he started to show signs of becoming more physical (subtly), with a blatant display of aggression when I was due to leave for a new place. Just dawned on me the tantrum he threw could have been because he knew I was leaving. I got out ladies, and I’m safe but wow!

[Cosmicasca]

What you said about kindness is beautiful, and it uplifted me. Exactly!

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