everythingwillworkout

[everythingwillworkout]

Thank you so much IWMB 😊. I did leave him, I said I felt like he didn’t love me. He sent me a letter (detail removed by moderator). This is after all the guilt trips, the constant put downs in front of others and gaslighting. He told me he was gutted when he heard I had been on another date and that he didn’t blame me for not telling him. But yet he said he has had some casual flings? That makes me mad, why should I tell him – he’s suggesting I should have but he didn’t tell me – like I’m his – I’m not his. It turns my stomach. He told me he just wants me to be happy – it’s like he says all the right things but he’s actually just trying to manipulate and control me and bring me back to him. He turns my stomach 🙁

[everythingwillworkout]

Hi Teatime,

I’m really sorry 💕, they sound horrible! Is it possible to go limited contact? I only see my parents a couple of times a year, and don’t call them or pick UK their calls. They used to complain but now they have learnt that it makes no difference. Sometimes my mum sends me a controlling email, but I just ignore it and say I’ve been busy working. Sometimes she went resend it two or theee times (always something manipulative), but I just ignore it.

If you and your husband don’t go low contact l then they will just keep abusing and manipulating you. And you both deserve better. Have you discussed this with him? And the massive impact it’s having on you?

[everythingwillworkout]

I’m so sorry you are feeling so frightened. It is entirely understandable 💕. Is there anyone you could get advice from on this? I really am not sure as I don’t have any experience, but I’m sure there will be some kind of support or advice service. Have you considered Victim Support? Or calling women’s aid? Have you moved since he was put away and changed your name online and phone?

[everythingwillworkout]

Thank you for posting, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas 😊x

[everythingwillworkout]

“I’m not putting you down.” (Then stopped doing it for a month – so clearly knew he was!)

“Maybe you think I don’t love you because your ex was abusive and you’re not used to being loved.”

“I never said that”.

[everythingwillworkout]

Hey Survivor, love your name to bits. So sorry to hear that horrible crap you have been through with your ex. Hands down, ALL of that is so abusive and undeserved. You sound like a lovely person and you truly didn’t deserve any of this and he didn’t deserve you. I feel like we all ask the same question, “Is this abuse”, but if we have to ask then we know something is really messed up there and that it must be abuse. The reason we question is because they manipulate how we feel and manipulate our perceptions to make us guess ourselves so that we stay trapped with them.

Also, he didn’t abuse because of YOU or anything you did or didn’t do, he did it because he’s an awful person that thinks it’s ok to abuse and harm other people. You couldn’t have stopped him, the only way we can is by leaving – and you did that, despite how hard it is – and as your name says, definitely should be proud about that – it is incredibly hard and painful to do so.

Have you looked into any trauma therapy? I got some Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing (EMDR) – as recommended on the NHS and was absolutely amazing in helping me heal. I also go to group therapy sessions and use CBT everyday, helps everything seem less black.

x

[everythingwillworkout]

Sorry to hear that Alice. I would be furious too! Totally reckless and unacceptable behavior. I agree with Kip. Abusers are good at making things seem like an accident, my ex used to do it all the time. I once had my Kindle in a beanie because I lost the cover, so ex picked it up and threw it – for no reason, we weren’t fighting, and it hit the wall and chipped. And he said, “Wow, sorry – accident!! Didn’t realize that was in there.” Well, you obviously did. They set things up so that it SEEMS like an accident, always being as rough and careless and harmful as they can get away with without it seeming like they intended to – as much as they can get away wth it so they can play innocent and call it an accident. I don’t think a normal, non abusive parent would ever put their child in a dangerous scenario where they potentially would need medical attention. You’d be a lot more cautious than that.

[everythingwillworkout]

That is fab @lookingforanswers! Things I find helpful – comforting myself when I am sad, worried, or feeling bad, sounds a bit weird – but I stroke my harm, or do a ‘butterfly fly hug, which is where you hold each opposite arm wth the opposite hand with your arms crossed across your chest, in the style of a hug. I try to imagine what a kind mum would be like and do that for myself.

I also do a daily skincare routine. I use vitamin c serum (home made with l-ascorbic acid) and use an exfoliant (aha or bha) and a moisturizer, it feels great to spend a few mins taking care of myself every day through a quick skincare routine. The products also make my skin look fab so it’s a good confidence boost.

Take care 🙂 and keep making time for yourself, you deserve it x

[everythingwillworkout]

Banks, well done on leaving – that takes SO MUCH strength because of how much they break us down. Please remember what you are feeling is totally normal, abuse creates something called a trauma bond that binds us more tightly to people than in a normal relationship and makes it hard to break away. That does not mean that these feelings are real. If you go back, the abuse won’t stop. Please, please change all your contact info and try to take new routes to and from work to home – can you move address too, even if just temporarily? Please call Women’s Aid, they can help you make a plan and help keep you safe.

Also, remember he is not really upset. They don’t feel normal human emotions like us. He is just worried that he has lost control over something he sees as his possession. They do not change, they are dark at heart. Keep coming here and speaking us and know you don’t deserve to go back to that never-ending cruelty. The pain you feel WILL END – mine did, I am so happy to be out, to be free of him, to never think of him – nothing hurts for me anymore and you will get there too – I promise you. Getting out and staying out was hands down the best thing I ever did. The abuse got SO MUCH WORSE when I returned and I wish I stayed out the first time. Now I am happy and free and all the awful pain from the second and final break up is gone. If you go back, the pain won’t end – if you stay gone, it’s only a matter of time before it does.

[everythingwillworkout]

So sorry, he is being (Detail removed by Moderator). Being intimidating, humiliating and hurting you. He is still (Detail removed by Moderator) he always was. It’s not in your head lovely! I have felt that so often too, crazy, irrational – like I am making things up – but we all know in our gut and heart that how they treat us is not right and we all deserve so much more than that. The fact that you are here, shows that you are so wise and you know what is happening – no matter how many tricks he plays. They WANT us to question everything and doubt ourselves but the heart knows, we know.

[everythingwillworkout]

Hey Alice, so sorry that this happened and please don’t beat yourself up. Your ex must have been quite rough for your child to need hospital treatment, I think you have every right to ask for supervised access and could be an important thing to bring up at your next mediation. I’m sorry, it must be so hard to see that ex has hurt your child – but you are not super mom/super human and sadly you couldn’t have done anything to stop it in the moment as you weren’t there. I know it is hard, but please don’t beat yourself up for it – you are doing ALL you can under the current limitations. You sound like a caring mum x

[everythingwillworkout]

Benson, please don’t get mad at yourself – you’re just having a TOTALLY normal human reaction to an abnormal situation. Have you had any trauma therapy? I find using something called the Dialectical Behavioural Therapy workbook helpful as it teaches you self-soothing techniques for when you experience overwhelming, painful feelings like this – you can find it on Amazon. Sending you hugs x

[everythingwillworkout]

I tend to say, “manipulative”, “controlling”(Detail removed by Moderator) – as the a word is loaded and some people are sometimes judgemental, even though when you actually talk to people – most of them have been in abusive relationship – they just don’t realise that that toxicity is abuse! Plus, using those words can be a ‘tester’ or an opener to see other people’s reactions or to open them up to share their own stories. I certainly wouldn’t tell just about anyone, not at work for sure, only people who I thought may get it or be empathic – that’s just good self care I think. Your counsellor is a bit off for suggesting you just mention it all over the shop…

[everythingwillworkout]

I’m so sorry love. Are you in any therapy for your self-esteem? I found that helpful for myself and for helping me to trust my instincts for avoiding abusers. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has been life-changing for me. I have found that taking time for myself and focusing on building my mental health up has made all the difference to me. I also found that I kept getting into abusive relationships, so I took a break from all relationships for 6 months and am finally with someone kind and healthy like we all deserve. How long have you been with this new abuser? I know it probably feels hopeless right now, but I promise things can get better. I dated 5 abusive men, before realising I needed a break from relationships and now I am finally in a happy one, we can break the cycle x

[everythingwillworkout]

Hi Ziggy, so sorry for the pain that you are in and what he has put you through. They do all they can to keep us trapped, but it a smokescreen. Everything they make you believe about not having any power, being worthless, not being able to leave, everything going to hell once you do – it is all lies used to keep you there. We believe you and other people will do too. Refuge sounds like a good idea, at the very least please keep reaching out for all the support you can. We are all with you here. You are so much stronger than you know, that you reached out for you and your children. He is toxic to you all and you deserve a better life, it is waiting for you, try not to be overwhelmed – one baby step at a time to freedom is all we need – we are all here, you are not alone. x

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