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22nd December 2018 at 8:04 pm #69089
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantThank you so much IWMB 😊. I did leave him, I said I felt like he didn’t love me. He sent me a letter (detail removed by moderator). This is after all the guilt trips, the constant put downs in front of others and gaslighting. He told me he was gutted when he heard I had been on another date and that he didn’t blame me for not telling him. But yet he said he has had some casual flings? That makes me mad, why should I tell him – he’s suggesting I should have but he didn’t tell me – like I’m his – I’m not his. It turns my stomach. He told me he just wants me to be happy – it’s like he says all the right things but he’s actually just trying to manipulate and control me and bring me back to him. He turns my stomach 🙁
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22nd December 2018 at 7:55 pm #69088
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantHi Teatime,
I’m really sorry 💕, they sound horrible! Is it possible to go limited contact? I only see my parents a couple of times a year, and don’t call them or pick UK their calls. They used to complain but now they have learnt that it makes no difference. Sometimes my mum sends me a controlling email, but I just ignore it and say I’ve been busy working. Sometimes she went resend it two or theee times (always something manipulative), but I just ignore it.
If you and your husband don’t go low contact l then they will just keep abusing and manipulating you. And you both deserve better. Have you discussed this with him? And the massive impact it’s having on you?
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22nd December 2018 at 7:42 pm #69087
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantI’m so sorry you are feeling so frightened. It is entirely understandable 💕. Is there anyone you could get advice from on this? I really am not sure as I don’t have any experience, but I’m sure there will be some kind of support or advice service. Have you considered Victim Support? Or calling women’s aid? Have you moved since he was put away and changed your name online and phone?
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22nd December 2018 at 10:46 am #69063
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantThank you for posting, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas 😊x
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6th November 2018 at 1:14 am #66647
everythingwillworkout
Participant“I’m not putting you down.” (Then stopped doing it for a month – so clearly knew he was!)
“Maybe you think I don’t love you because your ex was abusive and you’re not used to being loved.”
“I never said that”.
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19th August 2018 at 6:39 pm #62916
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantHey Survivor, love your name to bits. So sorry to hear that horrible crap you have been through with your ex. Hands down, ALL of that is so abusive and undeserved. You sound like a lovely person and you truly didn’t deserve any of this and he didn’t deserve you. I feel like we all ask the same question, “Is this abuse”, but if we have to ask then we know something is really messed up there and that it must be abuse. The reason we question is because they manipulate how we feel and manipulate our perceptions to make us guess ourselves so that we stay trapped with them.
Also, he didn’t abuse because of YOU or anything you did or didn’t do, he did it because he’s an awful person that thinks it’s ok to abuse and harm other people. You couldn’t have stopped him, the only way we can is by leaving – and you did that, despite how hard it is – and as your name says, definitely should be proud about that – it is incredibly hard and painful to do so.
Have you looked into any trauma therapy? I got some Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing (EMDR) – as recommended on the NHS and was absolutely amazing in helping me heal. I also go to group therapy sessions and use CBT everyday, helps everything seem less black.
x
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19th August 2018 at 6:27 pm #62914
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantSorry to hear that Alice. I would be furious too! Totally reckless and unacceptable behavior. I agree with Kip. Abusers are good at making things seem like an accident, my ex used to do it all the time. I once had my Kindle in a beanie because I lost the cover, so ex picked it up and threw it – for no reason, we weren’t fighting, and it hit the wall and chipped. And he said, “Wow, sorry – accident!! Didn’t realize that was in there.” Well, you obviously did. They set things up so that it SEEMS like an accident, always being as rough and careless and harmful as they can get away with without it seeming like they intended to – as much as they can get away wth it so they can play innocent and call it an accident. I don’t think a normal, non abusive parent would ever put their child in a dangerous scenario where they potentially would need medical attention. You’d be a lot more cautious than that.
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19th August 2018 at 3:27 pm #62905
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantThat is fab @lookingforanswers! Things I find helpful – comforting myself when I am sad, worried, or feeling bad, sounds a bit weird – but I stroke my harm, or do a ‘butterfly fly hug, which is where you hold each opposite arm wth the opposite hand with your arms crossed across your chest, in the style of a hug. I try to imagine what a kind mum would be like and do that for myself.
I also do a daily skincare routine. I use vitamin c serum (home made with l-ascorbic acid) and use an exfoliant (aha or bha) and a moisturizer, it feels great to spend a few mins taking care of myself every day through a quick skincare routine. The products also make my skin look fab so it’s a good confidence boost.
Take care 🙂 and keep making time for yourself, you deserve it x
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19th August 2018 at 3:20 pm #62903
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantBanks, well done on leaving – that takes SO MUCH strength because of how much they break us down. Please remember what you are feeling is totally normal, abuse creates something called a trauma bond that binds us more tightly to people than in a normal relationship and makes it hard to break away. That does not mean that these feelings are real. If you go back, the abuse won’t stop. Please, please change all your contact info and try to take new routes to and from work to home – can you move address too, even if just temporarily? Please call Women’s Aid, they can help you make a plan and help keep you safe.
Also, remember he is not really upset. They don’t feel normal human emotions like us. He is just worried that he has lost control over something he sees as his possession. They do not change, they are dark at heart. Keep coming here and speaking us and know you don’t deserve to go back to that never-ending cruelty. The pain you feel WILL END – mine did, I am so happy to be out, to be free of him, to never think of him – nothing hurts for me anymore and you will get there too – I promise you. Getting out and staying out was hands down the best thing I ever did. The abuse got SO MUCH WORSE when I returned and I wish I stayed out the first time. Now I am happy and free and all the awful pain from the second and final break up is gone. If you go back, the pain won’t end – if you stay gone, it’s only a matter of time before it does.
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19th August 2018 at 3:13 pm #62902
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantSo sorry, he is being (Detail removed by Moderator). Being intimidating, humiliating and hurting you. He is still (Detail removed by Moderator) he always was. It’s not in your head lovely! I have felt that so often too, crazy, irrational – like I am making things up – but we all know in our gut and heart that how they treat us is not right and we all deserve so much more than that. The fact that you are here, shows that you are so wise and you know what is happening – no matter how many tricks he plays. They WANT us to question everything and doubt ourselves but the heart knows, we know.
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19th August 2018 at 3:07 pm #62901
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantHey Alice, so sorry that this happened and please don’t beat yourself up. Your ex must have been quite rough for your child to need hospital treatment, I think you have every right to ask for supervised access and could be an important thing to bring up at your next mediation. I’m sorry, it must be so hard to see that ex has hurt your child – but you are not super mom/super human and sadly you couldn’t have done anything to stop it in the moment as you weren’t there. I know it is hard, but please don’t beat yourself up for it – you are doing ALL you can under the current limitations. You sound like a caring mum x
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19th August 2018 at 3:04 pm #62900
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantBenson, please don’t get mad at yourself – you’re just having a TOTALLY normal human reaction to an abnormal situation. Have you had any trauma therapy? I find using something called the Dialectical Behavioural Therapy workbook helpful as it teaches you self-soothing techniques for when you experience overwhelming, painful feelings like this – you can find it on Amazon. Sending you hugs x
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19th August 2018 at 3:01 pm #62899
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantI tend to say, “manipulative”, “controlling”(Detail removed by Moderator) – as the a word is loaded and some people are sometimes judgemental, even though when you actually talk to people – most of them have been in abusive relationship – they just don’t realise that that toxicity is abuse! Plus, using those words can be a ‘tester’ or an opener to see other people’s reactions or to open them up to share their own stories. I certainly wouldn’t tell just about anyone, not at work for sure, only people who I thought may get it or be empathic – that’s just good self care I think. Your counsellor is a bit off for suggesting you just mention it all over the shop…
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19th August 2018 at 2:57 pm #62898
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantI’m so sorry love. Are you in any therapy for your self-esteem? I found that helpful for myself and for helping me to trust my instincts for avoiding abusers. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has been life-changing for me. I have found that taking time for myself and focusing on building my mental health up has made all the difference to me. I also found that I kept getting into abusive relationships, so I took a break from all relationships for 6 months and am finally with someone kind and healthy like we all deserve. How long have you been with this new abuser? I know it probably feels hopeless right now, but I promise things can get better. I dated 5 abusive men, before realising I needed a break from relationships and now I am finally in a happy one, we can break the cycle x
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19th August 2018 at 2:52 pm #62896
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantHi Ziggy, so sorry for the pain that you are in and what he has put you through. They do all they can to keep us trapped, but it a smokescreen. Everything they make you believe about not having any power, being worthless, not being able to leave, everything going to hell once you do – it is all lies used to keep you there. We believe you and other people will do too. Refuge sounds like a good idea, at the very least please keep reaching out for all the support you can. We are all with you here. You are so much stronger than you know, that you reached out for you and your children. He is toxic to you all and you deserve a better life, it is waiting for you, try not to be overwhelmed – one baby step at a time to freedom is all we need – we are all here, you are not alone. x
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19th August 2018 at 2:47 pm #62895
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantDon’t feel bad, (Detail removed by Moderator) I don’t advocate heated language normally, but these people are animals and their abuse is fucking disgusting (Detail removed by Moderator) This DOES NOT make you abusive, you are coming from a place of pain and fear and you know that he is the one in the wrong, all those feelings are RIGHT (Detail removed by Moderator).
Agreed about changing the locks and court order, stay safe. x
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30th July 2018 at 10:43 am #62114
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantYou are right Anonon, it is really unfair and cruel on all of you for him to expect you to change who and what you are to fit in with him. You all deserve so much better. I think how they treat other people can be a window in to helping us see who they really are: things get fuzzy when we just focus on the abuse just towards ourselves, it can help us see more clearly when we look at how they treat people we love and care about.
That fear that you feel is ‘proof’ that he is abusive. A normal, healthy relationship is not one where fear grows. I’m so sorry, it must be so hard for you. I read once that they feel bad about being labelled abusive because they don’t like that image attached to them, they don’t tend to feel bad because they empathise – I think it was in Lundy’s book, he said if they felt bad because they empathised then they would stop repeatedly hurting someone they claimed to love. Sending you hugs xx
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29th July 2018 at 8:58 pm #62091
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantAnon, I’m sorry – but this sounds terrifying. I think you have become normalised to the abuse so everything has been a bit distorted and you can’t truly see or feel how dangerous and frightening that this behaviour is. Gesturing to strangle you is really, really shocking behaviour. He sounds very dangerous and I’m worried for your safety.
Anger or drinking does not cause abuse, abuse is about the need to be in control and feeling entitled to harm and hurt you in order to get his own way. We all get angry, but we do not all abuse. It’s a choice people make to hurt someone so that they can control and maintain power over them. You do not deserve this and you didn’t do anything wrong. Abusers like to make us think that if we only did something differently – if we weren’t so annoying, stupid, mouthy or whatever, then they wouldn’t harm us but this isn’t true – an abuser is sick and they abuse because they CHOOSE TO.
When he yells at your daughters, can you see that they haven’t done anything wrong and he is being unfair? He sees you all as property and not as human beings with feelings, who should be treated with kindness and respect.
He is strangling you now and one day he will start doing that to your children, as they become more independent and less under his will.
Why Does He Do That? Quotes (showing 1-30 of 149)
“YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”Please think about checking out this book, it is a very important one to read if you are trying to understand and free yourself from abuse
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men -
29th July 2018 at 8:46 pm #62089
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantHey HopeLifeJoy, could not for the life of me talk about my trauma before my therapy. I would freeze up, so I did therapy where I didn’t have to talk. These therapies were specifically designed for trauma treatment: Somatic Experiencing and EMDR. Choosing treatments tailored for healing trauma meant that both of my therapists had had experience with traumatic things so they weren’t judgemental. If I had to have gone to a regular therapist, I would have picked someone trained and experienced in abuse – because at the end of the day therapists are still regular people and most regular people can be a bit ignorant about abuse.
I always feel better after therapy sessions, a good therapist makes all the difference – hope you find that too.
x
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29th July 2018 at 8:42 pm #62087
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantMaybe the school don’t understand abusers very well and can’t imagine a grown man/father saying that to his child. It sounds like an odd thing for a child to lie about something that is quite dark. If she didn’t want to go, then maybe she would have made something else up? She sounds a little bit frightened. Sorry, this must be really upsetting for you x
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29th July 2018 at 8:36 pm #62085
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantHey white rose, I am in the 20’s club still but also have panicky anxiety. It morphed into PTSD for me, but now I am jus mainly dealing with mild panics following my trauma therapy. I also worked with people with anxiety disorders in the past, in mental health. Anxiety and panic are common trauma responses, so it’s quite normal to be feeling that way as a survivor. One of my favourite ways to help is to practice grounding techniques – look around and see how many different colours you can see, count to ten on your fingers, inhale a scent or practice progressive muscle relaxation to around to ground yourself and calm yourself and put some space between you and the anxiety. Anxiety does more commonly arise when we are stressed as well. Exercise is also great because it burns off the adrenaline and cortisol that help fuel the panicky feelings/ x
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28th July 2018 at 11:39 pm #62042
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantYou did nothing wrong at all lovely. It can be so angering and crazy making when they bullshit. She is saying that because he is twisting everything and he is a liar. Have you read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men? Really great insights into the abusive mindset.
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28th July 2018 at 9:43 pm #62031
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantNice to hear that my reply was a bit comforting :).
I think morality is about keeping something safe, sometimes that is trust with someone we care about and sometimes it is about doing the right thing by you – the thing you need to do to survive.
I understand what you are saying about feeling like you are no longer an honest, decent person and that can cut really deep if you value that a lot freetochoose. I relate to that too. I had an emotional affair when I was with my ex, at the time, I was still very young (a teenager/young adult) but it is something I still carry so much shame with me for. I am honest with all my partners about it because I think honesty is important because it gives the other person the freedom to choose based on the full facts of the situation (but we only owe it to people who give us the same freedom to act and be as we wish). My very kind ex said to me, “If we think about morality in terms of the harm it causes, then do you think your actions caused harm?” I honestly replied, “Not really, I think my ex saw me as an object, a piece of property and that isn’t something that can cause you ‘hurt'” and he said, “Ok, then it’s not something you should feel bad about.” We also agreed that I did it to survive, kindness, respect and being seen and validated as a human being helped me leave, could have stopped me from being murdered, and if I had stayed gone, it would have stopped me from being assaulted. The guilt I carry from this is something I beat myself up for everyday, but I know that it helped me leave someone who was abusing me. My friend once said, “there was no relationship to ‘step out on’, just a parasitic force that was killing me.” In the same sense, I don’t think there was anyone to lie to. They purposefully erase our humanity and dehumanise us so they don’t feel guilty about abusing us, but in doing so I think they erase their own – we don’t owe them the same kind of respect that we would give to anyone else.
I think if we accept the idea that there is a global morality, a set of rights and wrongs in every situation, it is very easy to get down on ourselves and feel guilty and shameful for not living up to our own standards of right or wrong. But sometimes the ‘bad’ action (as judged by society in certain cases) is the very thing that will keep us safe and acts as a lifejacket, keeping us afloat and getting us to safety.
In Nazi Germany, people who helped hide vulnerable groups being round up for the concentration camps could see the inherent wisdom in the idea that morality is fluid and that lying could help keep other people safe. Would you lie to protect someone else from harm? If the answer is yes, then why are you not worth the same?
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28th July 2018 at 9:11 pm #62028
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantI agree with you Dragonfly, I totally get where you are coming from with beating yourself up and questioning yourself – knowing it’s not rationally our fault doesn’t stop us from beating ourself up. Sorry to hear about your PTSD flareup. Are you going for any trauma therapy? I found Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing to be amazing, it is recommended on the NHS and was incredible for me. Hope you feel better soon and sorry for all you have been through x
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28th July 2018 at 9:05 pm #62026
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantHey love, he doesn’t have a personality disorder or a hard childhood that made him that way. I had a hard childhood and it makes me more empathic to people. His only problem is that he think he is entitled to abuse you because you are his property, there to meet his needs. Have you read Why Does he Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. It is a brilliant textbook to why he is how he is:
you can find quotes here: (link removed by Moderator)
He appears charming and sad and genuine because he is hoovering.
In regards to your letter, he won’t ever get why you left and he will use it against you to manipulate you and make you feel like the bad one because he wants to regain control of you so that you can fulfil all his everlasting needs. He will never get that you left because of his abuse because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong.
You deserve better and there are far, far better men out there for you x
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28th July 2018 at 2:31 pm #62007
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantHi Dragonfly, so sorry that something so horrible happened to you and so sorry that something so horrific was said to you by that horrible abuser. Honestly, abusers get angry about everything. Once my ex got fuming angry because I forgot to drink the tea he made me. He shoved me when I said, (Detail removed by Moderator) Anything and everything can and does set them off – you didn’t do ANYTHING! You didn’t do anything. They will attack and strike out for the slightest thing, them and their worlds are unhealthy and distorted, it’s not you or anything you did.
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28th July 2018 at 11:32 am #62002
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantRedKite, you deserve better than this. You and your baby deserve to be safe and loved and protected all the time. He feels wonderful most of the time because that looks and feels so much better than his abuse. But really good, kind, loving people never ever abuse you or act violently towards you and put you and your baby in danger. Please get help to get out, you don’t know where it could end up – if something truly awful happened to you and your baby, it would break your heart. You are not responsible for someone else’s violence or cruelty, never ever – he is the one doing it. We can’t control anyone else, you DO NOT DESERVE it and it will never get better. We are here for you x
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28th July 2018 at 11:28 am #62001
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantI’m sorry for all the pain you are feeling, I promise it gets easier with time and the right support. You can feel good again. I agree that he does not understand your concerns or feelings, or he does but he just doesn’t care for them much – it’s sad how abusers just see us as a way to fill them but you’re right you’re much better without him x
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28th July 2018 at 11:20 am #62000
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantYou’re not lying to him, you’re being honest with yourself – if that makes any sense. If an abuser doesn’t accept our no, then we have no choice but to sometimes pretend the no is a yes to preserve your sanity and your honesty with yourself and your right to do what you want with your life and your body. Because it is your life and your body and he has no right to try to monopolise it. We need to lie to keep ourselves safe and sane and to protect what is ours, they don’t give us a choice. I lied to my ex before I left, “why is all of your stuff sitting in a suitcase in our bedroom?” “because it’s easier for me to keep everything there.” (lie, it was because I was leaving). They give us nothing and taking everything, we don’t owe them honesty, we don’t owe them anything – that’s how we are gonna survive.
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28th July 2018 at 9:41 pm #62030
everythingwillworkout
ParticipantHi rainbow cloud, really sorry to hear how he has been treating you. I bet that your promotion is a threat because it’s a big boost to your independence and confidence (congrats by the way :)). I think when we are with absusers, one of the most important things we can do for ourselves is to stay in touch with all the things that make us who we are and give us an identity outside of our abusive relationship – like listening to our true self – whether that’s doing what it takes to ensure that we protect our right to decide whether we want a baby or not, or keeping our jobs, or doing a hobby we enjoy. They want to monopolise and take everything from us so that we are just there to serve them.
I’m sorry that he yelled at you and presumes he knows best about how to discipline your son – reminds me of my ex, mr know it all.
I remember dreading going away with my ex, really hoping you get some small moments of peace and freedom for yourself when you are away with him x
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