Getmylifeback

[Getmylifeback]

Thanks KIP

Do you know if this would be considered harrassment / threatening behaviour. i.e. at what level does it need to get to before it would be considered by the police as a genuine thing and not just 2 people going through a divorce ?

Problem is i’m on a good wage and dont qualify for legal aid. I am trying to cut costs down on food shopping etc but still only just scraping the barrel so i’m not sure how i’d afford to take this to court 🙁

He keeps accusing me of having someone else. Why would anyone actually want to be involved with another man after living with something like this !!

[Getmylifeback]

Hi KIP

I don’t have it in writing, he’d never do that, he’s very cautious. But I do have it on a voice recording, including that he’d only go fur kids to spite me. He doesn’t do texts etc it’s always phone calls.

X

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you for the responses. I understand I maybe went into too much depth but I feel some of the point of my post has been lost. Basically he’s blackmailing me that I may end up with nothing or very little or he’ll go for full custody if I challenge this and admits it’s not in kids interests but he’d do it to screw me over .

[Getmylifeback]

Would this blackmail be considered to be harrassment? What is??

[Getmylifeback]

Thanks Lisa.

Tbh currently the ex is my least worries, I’m petrified of losing my son. He blames me for everything.

He’s being told by his dad that he’s trying to get the family back together and loves me etc and I’m saying to him it’s not going to happen. His dad is saying how he’s changed etc and to be honest he is making a good effort with the kids but since he left still threatened me etc and even if I can see some change j don’t want him in my life. But I feel powerless.

My son has sobbed himself to sleep tonight. He says he hates his life and our house and it’s my fault as j can’t be bothered to try with his dad.

I have no idea what to do. He seems to be getting worse whereas I thought he’d settle down and get better. I know if I discuss this with my ex he’ll use that power so I’m torn between this or battle on alone and hope his dad gets bored with playing father of the year.

[Getmylifeback]

Just to top of off (removed by moderator) comes back home in a foul mood, speaking to me like a piece of s**t so I ended up shouting at him to have some respect, daughter crying saying she doesn’t want to live with him anymore, he’s so angry . He was having counselling but just shut off and refused to continue.

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you both.

I dont think the drugs are the reason either deep down. Problem is the drug in question is a prescribed medication that he became hooked on abd then took too many of and there is some evidence online that it does change peoples ways of thinking and can cause paranoia.

But deep down regardless of this i doubt i could ever relax around him fully and want to br intimate. Tbh i think how kilngirl wrote is quite like i feel, there is no love or hate, for me its pity and guiilt towards him and my son who again cried himself to sleep last night as he hates his life as he puts it.

[Getmylifeback]

I agree definitely not respectimg boundaries. For example a couple of weeks before xmas i told him i wanted us to only spend about £15 on presents to each other from the kids. I stuck to this roughly and got a few nice personal bits from the kids. He took our kids shopping the weekend after this discussion and when i opened them on xmas day there were 3 items totalling approx £220. I told him this wasnt what we agreed and he said he just wanted to get me something nice. But to me its again just dismissing and disrespecting my wishes.

I just wonder if being clean could change him in the long term with counselling too. 😥

[Getmylifeback]

Hi KIP I think what I’m scared of is if he’s right and he’ll meet someone new who’ll act mother to my kids and he’ll be different with her and I’ll look in from the outside thinking I should have given him the chance. When a good friend says she can see he’s changed it makes it harder 😥

[Getmylifeback]

I left at a similar time I think and also have kids together so limiting my contact where possible but I can’t fully.

He also kicks off sometimes in fact were due it as it hasn’t been for a few weeks 🙄

I’ve just spent money I don’t really have on some nice things for my house as I needed to make it my home not just a house and it’s surprising how much better a few things have improved my mindset.

How are your kids doing? Mine are still up or down but most of the down is when he’s been an ar$e.

Ivevgot my first night out since I left next weekend but I feel nervous about it as when he finds out he’ll try to do something to cause issues . My daughter won’t stay with him so I’ve areabfed for them to have a sleepover at their friends and I know he will make me feel bad saying she’ll not settle without me. I nearly backed out but my friend said not to be so silly and she’ll manage my daughter and I need this night out , which I really do!

[Getmylifeback]

Your story is very similar to mine except there was no physical violence but he very nearly broke me mentally, I was a mess. Slowly starting to feel better.

Don’t even contemplate going back please. I’ve had the same thoughts then I read through my diary of the abuse and know I will not even risk living one more day like that.plus i wouldn’t put kids through going back as if I did I’d never be able to upgrade them again. It ripped their lives apart and they now nearly 6 months later are getting their sparkles back.

It’s so hard. Things are so tight financially as I’m trying to do everything to allow my kids to live the lives they did with hobbies etc but something is going to have to give or I’ll end up in debt again. God knows how I’ll afford the legal fees, I earn too much for legal aid and it’s you g to turn super nasty after Christmas eve I file for divorce.

I’m not always so brave but right now I think bring it on as I know I did the right thing and feel happier than I have fit many years.

Hugs ❤

[Getmylifeback]

Hi there . I have been where you are and fled with my children nearly 6 months ago. He broke me emotionally, I’m still trying to get back slowly to who I was and it will take a long time.

My parents knew snippets but not all of it then one day I broke down to my mum half way through a spa day. She told me to do what I needed to and they’d support me 100 percent. So I planned my escape and packed up clothes and few kids toys and left. Stayed at parents whilst sorted my house out which was great support for the kids too .

You are much stronger than you think. Just think how scared you are now and yes the next step is terrifying but in the future you could be free. My anxiety has settled so much, only time it comes back I’d when I see he is ringing me or I can tell he’s in one of his moods when he picks kids up.

If your parents knew the truth I’m sure they’d support you.

I don’t post much but you sound just like I did a year ago and honestly I wish I’d done it years ago. You can do this x

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you DIY mum. I’m doing my best.

So hard to stay on focus sometimes. For example in front of kids he suggests a family trip on Christmas eve and of course the kids live the idea. If I say no I’ll be the horrible one. He’s already coming to spend Christmas day with us all.

He keeps saying how much he misses them. I just think pity he didn’t when we were there and he had no time for us and just did his own thing all the time.

[Getmylifeback]

Hi Escapee thanks for posting.

I feel the same about men, if it wasn’t someone i know how can I trust them?

I also have anxiety around alcohol. I rarely drink as easier to drive than get taxis etc. But I find it hard around people that are drunk which I think is because when my husband drank he’d turn into a nasty person. I lived to dread the sound of a bottle being I’m screwed.

I stay up late and have to get up early. End up cleaning or ironing til 1am. It’s ridiculous! I know I’ll end up burning out of it carries on but by time I get kids in bed at 8pm and do their reading etc it’s 9, then always move to do etc.

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you. He hasn’t mentioned anything since and obviously hasn’t mentioned it to his father thank God!

[Getmylifeback]

My husband’s fathe7r treated his mum the same way, she has told me this as has his brother but my husband still says she say was selfish b.tch for leaving his father and it screwed him up.

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you everyone. After the other night when the above happened nothing has been mentioned by my son. He hasn’t spoken to his dad about it either which makes me think he was testing the water.

I had an hour’s meeting with solicitor which included this, she assured me that with my husband’s rehab/addiction, the fact I’ve always bee main carer, fact daughter has told school she was scared of him and won’t stay that I need to stop worrying.

I’m going to get Xmas out the way then file for divorce and get finances settled.

[Getmylifeback]

My kids are much younger, (detail removed by moderator) and I haven’t told them much but then it’s difficult as they don’t understand why we all had to leave overnight.
I’m hoping fur the day I can explain more although I don’t think my son will believe it.

He says I was only thinking of myself when I split his family up 😭

[Getmylifeback]

First thing he said is that he is still going to live with dad. I told him until he is 16 he will live with me and he has no choice. He’s gone mad saying he hates his life, it was better before and wants to go back to his old house.
He said he doesn’t trust me and trying to grasp at his reason it’s because I promised him the arguing would stop and it hasn’t.
I told him I’ve put boundaries with his dad in place and he isn’t allowed to come and argument he won’t have it and is laid in bed crying wanting to be alone.
Thanks
What the hell do I do. His dad will ring soon to say good night.

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you both.

He’s such a lovely boy but is sensitive and emotionally immature. I’ve bee paying for him to have counselling every week in school. He has ADHD and is on school SENCO so is more vulnerable and can fly off the handle sometimes.

It really broke my heart this morning, I know it sounds stupid but j felt I couldn’t believe how ungrateful he was. I took (detail removed by moderator) days off work last week to look after him when he was ill, where was his dad then when I had to get my parents to come help me as he was too poorly to leave the house and I had to get my daughter from school.

I know he blames me for leaving, he just doesn’t get it whereas my younger daughter is far more mature. She’s told her teacher daddy scares her when he shouts at mummy and it’s been logged as she was struggling this week at school and sleeping.

God I hate him!!!

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you for your reply.

I can’t talk to him until I pick him up as he’s with his father’s parents on a day out today. So I will have to face it tonight.

Im mean mummy who is trying to set boundaries on his behaviour and yes I ca be strict , dad lets him play call of duty (which I’ve banned from our house and dad knows this) until 11pm at night. This is what I’m up against.

At 10 can he make the choice, would He have a chance with a dad who has recently (detail removed by moderator).

I’m thinking I need a solicitor appt pronto 😢

[Getmylifeback]

I’ve gone past the feeling guilty stage, I’m now really angry! I am determined to stick to what I’ve said any any deviation will leave him on the doorstep.

A family member is a solicitor and one of her friends specialises in family law so she’s agreed to give me a free consultation over the phone this week to discuss custody etc.

[Getmylifeback]

I have this feeling too, especially if the ex has been kicking off. Also in the Mo rnjngthe second I wake up 😢 but once I’m up and showered tend to feel a bit better.

I sit and imagine him taking the kids away, dreading the call, stay up til early hoursresesrching things on the internet then set my alarm to get up to get kids ready for school and to get to work and it says I have less than 4 hours! I then often slip into bed with one of my kids and cuddle up to them as I go to sleep.

I sometimes don’t know how I still function on the sleep I get!

[Getmylifeback]

Thanks everyone.

After losing his marbles again (detail removed by moderator) in front of the kids I’ve ironed it out  (detail removed by moderator) and told him I’m not taking anymore of his shit and if he can’t shut his mouth Infront of the kids ill be handing over at doorstep, not answering phone after 9pm of before 8am and if he turns up at night banging on the door which he keeps threatening to do I’ll just call the police (that bit went down extremely well!) So well see if it sinks in this time!!

If not I’ll go no contact.

I’m documenting evidence too.

My son was ill (detail removed by moderator) and asked his dad to bring him home to me and the b@stard told him I was busy so he couldnt. I told my son (detail removed by moderator) if his dad had rang I’d have picked him up, I was really angry. He took him out for dinner and he was burning up, was sick and went straight to bed at 6.30 when he brought him home then was saying in front of him how he’d had to drag him out when he was so poorly to bring him back to me, poor kid, etc. I was livid.

[Getmylifeback]

I have seen solicitor but the advice was to use court order as a last resort.

The kids want to see him, more so my son who is now flavour of the month whereas before it was my daughter who was. I think it’s cause he knows she’s a mummy girl and although son is he could perhaps be swayed. Not sure if at (detail removed by moderator) he would have the choice or not yet?

Can voice recordings be used as evidence, I literally have about 40 minimum with threatening behaviour. He’ll never implicate himself on a text etc. But I’ve read as I don’t have his permission they can’t be used and I forgot to ask solicitor this.

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you KIP. Wise words as usual .

Need to sit down and have a serious thought about his to handle this.

[Getmylifeback]

Thanjbyou everyone.

I told him on (detail removed by moderator) in my uncertain terms that f this behaviour confined I WILL be talking the police as it’s harassment. He disagreed but has backed off for now…

I’m now keeping a diary ready for it to rear up again.

I am struggling to be civil when I see him, he had the audacity to ask me why I was being hard work and off with him. I said what do you expect when you speak to me like shit all weekend and his answer is what do i expect. Seriously he’s such a bell end 🤬

[Getmylifeback]

Thank you. I am seeing my doctor next week anyway so I will mention it to her and get her thoughts.

I was joking with her tonight about getting a boyfriend and she said that she o as she’s funny looking. I told her she is beautiful but she kept saying no and a boy at school had told her she is fat 😪😪

My heart was broken.

Her dad rang earlier and spoke to her and asked to speak to me. She said that I was having a poo despite the fact I was stood next to her downstairs so she was obviously not wanting me to talk to him. All I can thinks because we end up arguing 😥

[Getmylifeback]

God (detail removed by moderator) had him on the phone again , 4th time (detail removed by moderator) going over same stuff. I need to apologise to him, I need to accept I’m the lowest of the low…

[Getmylifeback]

@DIY mum I think I webt through the trauma bonding when I was still there and reached the I’m done moment a long time ago but didn’t know how to get away. I’m now at that traumatised anxious stage for sure. He rang me at work one day accusing of me of hiding something on Facebook and when I came off the phone I felt like my while body was tingling and I was on edge. A friend at work messaged me later to check I was ok as she was worried how is gone from having laugh at work to being quiet and withdrawn after talking to him.

The money thing is my biggest worry. I’ve rented a lovely house, he is giving me enough to pay half childcare and 100 quid left towards kids stuff.

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