Happybelle

[Happybelle]

Do it. Please do it. I know you’ll feel guilty but really

if it was bad enough that a sentence has been given then you need to get out and go. This is a brilliant opportunity to do it. The guilt will be with you I’m sure, I also carry a lot of it, but it will pass. Once you are free, the guilt learns and lessens all the time and you will feel amazing.

Don’t give him the chance to do it again. They say they change but they don’t. I think they can’t. They are just wired up wrong inside.

good luck xx

[Happybelle]

Well done making it through. Yes we can 🙂 x

[Happybelle]

Hearing you on this. It’s taking me months to process what’s happened. My boss at work said it might take a while to hit and it’s coming full force at the moment. I’ve decided to just let it flow out….. I find myself vacuuming with tears rolling down my face but it feels good to let that come.

well done for getting it out there x

[Happybelle]

Can’t say I can help at all….. but I understand the clinging to the new life concept. I am about to start mine in a new town and feel the same way about that. Not sure how different I will feel once I get there but for now I’m clinging on hard to getting there and trying to make sure it doesn’t all fall apart x

 

[Happybelle]

Thanks ladies. It’s some comfort to know I’m not alone with this 🙂

[Happybelle]

So sorry to see this. I find that the memories come back at random and it will be things you thought you had forgotten. Event days seem to do that for me the most  such as birthdays and Christmas.
I remember the nice things I had done to try and make Christmas good. Then the final one we were together where, now I’m looking back, I could see I had lost all my spirit. I didn’t even put the tree up or any lights.

this is the first break from work I’ve had since we stopped being together where there has been time to allow the memories to properly come and go. I have been blocking them out but now I’m letting them come. I get tearful but it seems to be needed as part of recovering. Now some of the bad memories aren’t hurtful so much anymore.

i hope this gets better for you x

[Happybelle]

I need to get to this point 😂 it is true I should feel a lot sorrier for the next person. I’m assuming he will have learnt his lesson but I doubt it!!

[Happybelle]

It’s not embarrassing at all- it’s so difficult and we are all different. You will find a way and I’m sorry to see that’s happening.

he loved at my house and I tried to get him out so many times. The last time he was so vile and horrible it was a “now or never” moment and phoned the police and they took him away. Was horrible but I would do it again in a heartbeat now.

get him gone, change your locks. If you’re feeling it’s wrong then it’s wrong. I would start by telling friends about it.  You’ll be surprised at how responsive and supportive people are. Maybe pack his things and take them to his place and just leave them outside. I wish I had done that. Mine love bombed me and I realised he just needed somewhere to live.

Hopefully it all works out. Good luck! x

[Happybelle]

Well done for getting out for starters.

When it finally hits that you realise this it is so sad. It’s also sickening when you look back and those feelings you had that were positive and those moments were a complete lie. You question everything.

You’re on the other side now and it’s hard going but in 6 months time you will feel a whole lot better. You’ve got this 🙂

[Happybelle]

Hang on in there. It’s so flipping hard . Nobody knows it truly but you. x

[Happybelle]

Yeah they have no filter and a vast array of messages!! I’m lucky I’m free which is awesome and just waiting to relocate a long way away then he won’t be able to knock at my door. It is already bliss without the aggravation of them around.

it really does get better with time 🙂

[Happybelle]

Thank you.
I wonder if there will ever be a time I don’t wonder if they are alright. I hope so because I’m pretty sure they don’t care if I’m alright or not!

[Happybelle]

So sorry to hear this, I can’t imagine how hard that must be. Though not as extensive in terms of the financial abuse, I’ve totally been there and it’s awful.

if it is fairly early on, I can imagine that it is hard to block them. I haven’t done it either yet but am so very close now. They don’t stop with the poor me syndrome or the manipulation. It’s the “I don’t know how I’ll make it through” or similar messages. They are sent to make you feel obliged or worried for them. It will get better and you will do it when the moment is right.
Once I’m gone and he no longer knows my address and there is no risk of him landing at my door – which he would if he couldn’t get hold of me – then I’m blocking.
none of this is easy and we are all different. Take care of you and give yourself some time x

[Happybelle]

Ahhhh thanks so much. I think you’re probably right – o did spend alot of time sorting out my home and getting on with plans for moving away. Now that’s all done and times moving on I do have more time. Looking forward to coming out the other side of it all 🙂 x

[Happybelle]

So so difficult. I’m kind of in the same boat. Had mine removed from my home and he was homeless for a few days. Now living in a shared house but it’s randomly near to me.
I hate the idea of helping him and occasionally I have. Mentally I can’t get over what I’d do if he turned up again with his bags and say he’d messed up with his money. I think once I move away and he dosnt know my new address then that will make it easier to really cut the ties.

none of this is easy. At the end of the day, giving people respect and dignity is a core value for me and i feel at peace with myself that I’ve done everything I can since splitting up to ensure that he is also fine and steady so we can move on.

[Happybelle]

It is hard that is for sure. I am a few months single now and I still feel it. I know he was awful and I know his behaviour was totally unacceptable. And yet I’m still almost craving to be next to him as though he is still here.

its a tough nut to crack but I wouldn’t go back now ever. They are almost relying on you feeling this way to keep you in the relationship. It blows your mind sometimes thinking about it. How can someone you feel so attached to continue to treat you badly and your body and mind struggle to let it go.

x

[Happybelle]

The fact that you’re here and posted that says that you already know it is wrong. Horrible man and it all starts with the verbal.

extract yourself at the earliest moment you feel able x

[Happybelle]

I had nightmares too for a number of weeks after it was all over. They have stopped now thankfully now I have thrown myself into work and other things. It’s horrible reliving it all night after night and exhausting. Can’t really explain it.  I have found that with all of my challenges, time has been the greatest healer along with fresh air, walking and trying to keep to a regular routine.

[Happybelle]

Oooo that’s useful Lisa thank you!

[Happybelle]

I think it is the sense of absolute injustice that gives you the feeling. First of all it’s the feeling of how could he actually do this to me. Then it’s the feeling of how dare he lie about it to other people.

i have decided for myself that I don’t care if he lies about it, I know what happened and I’m fine with it. I know what’s truthful.  I am lucky that we do not have many shared connections and the ones we did have I have also made a conscious decision not to care what they think. Nobody will ever know how bad things were so it matters not what they think of the situation.

give it a couple of weeks and you will be amazed at how much better you feel and your stress levels should start to come down 😊

[Happybelle]

It’s hard going isn’t it. Trying to work out what was true and what was the lies. It really blows your mind for a bit. I also felt ashamed it had happened to me but I’m a few months down the line now and that has gone away a lot.  When you’re really in it you truly believe that sharing how you feel with them and that you know what they’re doing that they will change and be a better person. Then they don’t change and so the cycle goes. Once you’re out of it it’s so easy to look back and judge yourself harshly. We shouldn’t at all.

im glad you’re out of it and I hope the next steps go smoothly. Give yourself some time to breathe and come to terms with it all… you’ve already done brilliantly getting that far x

[Happybelle]

Absolutely done the right thing. Crikey all of what you shared sounds horrific.
I expect you will feel guilty but please know that it will pass with time. I’m several months clear and the guilt is pretty much gone. It’s totally your life, you’ve got this, you absolutely can do this and this awful person can go and do with their miserable life whatever they choose to do.

my ex lived in my home, said exactly the same things about me making him homeless. I did not. He did that to himself and got himself arrested in the process. It feels awful, it really does but guess what…. Mine is finally doing what he should always have done. Sorted himself out and is absolutely fine.
you’ve done brilliantly, well done and I hope you can have some peace x

[Happybelle]

Hi Hazydayz – I had some extremely persistent friends around me which was incredible. Talking with them over time, like several years, one by one it emerged that many of them had been through alot of difficulties in their relationships and they helped to pick up on the things  what I would share and identified when my own challenges were escalating. One of them had contact with the police to report on my behalf. By this time I was experiencing increasing aggression from my partner. Ultimately I made the call to them myself and he was arrested and removed from my home. Fortunately I have my own place which is mine so granted it has logistically been easier to end things. Emotionally it has not been easy at all. The moment  I finally called the police  I had been in such a position that I had virtually lost bladder control through the stresses of confrontations and I decided this is it. I will not take one more day of this. I am lucky that  family members have taken it in turns to move in for  various chunks of time and I am in the process of relocating completely away. Appreciate that not everyone has support networks and housing is often a challenge and I’m extremely thankful for the incredible speed that the police responded and for all the ongoing support from my nearest and dearest.

im still sad about it, I still worry about him and if he’s ok which feels nuts to me as he was an awful person to me. All of it is worth it as I can sit at home of an evening without a racing heart, without wondering when the next argument is coming. Knowing that nobody is going to wake me in the night for an argument or take my car or use my bank cards  or ruin my next day at work. It is all absolutely worth it x

 

[Happybelle]

It does get better xx

i miss mine too…. but I’ve moved through that phase and now I’ve realised the missing him was just guilt at how it all ended and feeling bad about that bit.  Now I’ve realised that, the missing part has pretty much gone away and I’m just thinking about other things now… like where to string my fairy lights this Christmas!!!

Hang in there x

[Happybelle]

Well done for going to the police, it’s a brave thing to do.

i had huge guilt after contacting the police. At the time I needed them and I didn’t hesitate to call but now I’m out the other side I feel tremendously guilty. But we should not. They put themselves in this position with bad behaviour and poor life choices. The guilt will pass in time as you heal. 🙂 x

[Happybelle]

My now ex smoked weed. He was also lovely with smoking it and horrid without it. They don’t want to hear it that this is the reality.

all I think back to now is that even though I was not a substance user, I am an adult int he house and responsible for the care of the children in the house. I feel sad I didn’t put my foot down former at the time.

all the people in the work arguing for cannabis and making it legal or that it’s harmless need their heads read.

feel for you on this one x

[Happybelle]

Please do it ladies. One day you will suddenly get a strength you have no idea that you still have. These people either will not or can not change. We ask them to care about us, we ask them to change, we try and change ourselves because they haven’t changed. Then the cycle continues.
I never thought I’d manage to end it. It took a long time and it hasn’t been easy.  I’m only a few months clear. I’ve no idea if I will ever be the same again but there is one thing that is absolutely clear…. I have peace and the chance for a better future. It’s absolutely worth it.

xx

[Happybelle]

Thanks so much for sharing. It is an oddity isn’t it. No idea what these people are thinking. I’m with you – let’s hope they don’t turn up!

[Happybelle]

Really interesting perspective, thank you! Also interesting to see that these feelings come up out of the blue and a number of years later as well.
Even now I struggle to comprehend the strength of a trauma bond.

[Happybelle]

This is how it all started for me. The tantrums, the silent treatment, the shouting. I wasted a couple of years dithering about moving on and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

the last tantrum was so bad and had been happening so often I had uncontollable muscle spasms and near incontinence from the stress of it. It’s not worth it. These people will not change.

i hope you can find your way out sooner rather than later. You will know when it’s the right moment for you. If you need help please ask someone or phone the police, I had no other way to do it either. Police were outstanding and could not have been faster or more helpful  x.

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