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Hi Caledonia6, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds horrible and similar to how my husband behaved.The criticism and belittling is a tactic they use to undermine you. Then they’re nice again and it’s so confusing. Weirdly, my husband loved being the big shot with other women too. it must stroke their ego. I wish I’d got out of the marriage years ago, look after yourself and know that you deserve better

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Don’t feel ashamed for using that word. Abusers bring out the worst of our vocabulary, X

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Hi StrongLife are they adult children?

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My heart goes out to you and only you can make the decision whether or not to go. No they don’t change, my tolerance for his behaviour is lower than it ever was, I’m stuck with him because I am his carer. How I wish I had left him and not wasted my life.

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This is so sad to read and I am very sorry that you’re going through this. I was in a similar situation, at first my adult daughters supported me, then did a U turn and it shocked me to the core. I was completely devastated. All I heard from them was that I was the sane one (meaning their Dad was crazy) and that I should have left/protected them/not had more children to bring into our dysfunctional family. It literally broke my heart. I had more therapy, medication and I have come through. I have a really good relationship with my daughters now but it was hard work, but stay focused and on a mission to earn your daughters’ trust.

Of course, all relationships are different but I can tell you what worked for me, if that’s of any help to you. I stopped contacting them unless it was something positive, even a simple picture of one of my pets, a meal I’d made, not asking questions, even “how are you?” meant I wanted a response. When one of my daughters wanted a meaningful conversation I started to listen and not talk about how it was for me. I learned to say “I’m sorry that must have been awful for you, it must have felt as if I wasn’t listening to you”. I kept acknowledging her feelings and affirming how awful the arguing and chaos must have been. There was a great book I read at the time, can’t remember now, will look it up and post the title. It was about how to stop an argument from escalating, how to listen. I stopped saying anything negative about their Dad because that was hurting them and after a while it didn’t seem relevant. I learned that my adult daughters have their own lives and issues, they don’t want to hear Mum complaining about Dad.

My daughters really needed to believe that their Dad was a hero, they couldn’t face the fact that he had abused us all, mentally, physically and financially. It was just too much for them to comprehend. It hit home to me when one of my daughter’s told me that she want a “Mum and daughter relationship”. They wanted their Mum back.

You must be going through the most hideous pain, there’s nothing as bad as being rejected by the ones you love. Take courage in your truth and the love you have for your girls and please look after yourself and practice self care.

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Thanks TS, it’s been a long week, but no I’m not concerned he might actually do it, I appreciate what you said though. It’s just the usual sort of madness I have lived with for decades. He just hates it when I dare to disagree with him and the huge over reaction on his part was shocking. Just get so sick of him and his abuse.

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Thank you all, just needed to get things into perspective, I think post abuse it’s so hard to know what’s being said is true and what isn’t. We have decided to stop contact for a while, get my head together. I can’t be in a situation where I’m fretting about whether or not he’s contacted me.

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Yes, hiding parcels is a big one, I have to get rid of all the evidence, wrapping etc. If I manage to buy myself something new to wear, I’ll lie about, claiming a friend gave it to me or I got it from the charity shop. It really gets me down that there is nothing normal at all about our conversations regarding finances, once he thinks he can’t control me, or I’ve asked too many questions he gets nasty. I had to buy something a couple or so years back, an item I needed. Of course I didn’t have the money, so went cap in hand to him, he lent me the money and I have had to pay him back over time, leaving me short. My friend was horrified when I told her, says it isn’t normal, I long for “normal”.

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Only just read these replies as I haven’t been on here for a while, so sad that other women have gone through this abuse. Oh nbunblebee, that’s truly awful. Ugh it really is exhausting, the penny pinching, the questions if a parcel arrives for me, it just makes me feel so deflated all the time.

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Thank you Lisa, appreciate your understanding words. It’s so exhausting. I will definitely look at that website.

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Am so sorry you’re going through this. I also had this when the kids were young, he wasn’t going to be a “childminder” while I went to work, he wouldn’t go to work so life was very difficult. My heart goes out to you, I am now over three decades in with my abusive husband and have ended up caring for him as he has a progressive illness. If I could speak to my younger self, I would tell me to get out while I could. Look after yourself and seek help and support.

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Thank you again everyone for your supportive and much needed comments. I called up the GP yesterday because my anxiety was off the scale, I literally couldn’t take a breath without my chest hurting. I got some meds and had a good sleep last night. I heard my husband ring one of our daughters to tell her about the meds, for what reason I don’t know but it just made me more anxious. I sent daughter A a long and heartfelt message about how sorry I am for what she witnessed and she felt so badly let down. She appreciated it and said she loved me and everything is ok. She also brought up some points about daughter B and I messaged daughter B, who just sent me a message saying she doesn’t want to talk about it. For reference daughter B has always been most like her father, she was incredibly supportive about in the beginning when all the abuse came out, I couldn’t have got through without her. However, she’s in therapy now and part of me wonders if the therapist is saying that I am also to blame. I know daughter A and B are talking about the therapy. I am beginning to feel victimised, as always happened throughout my marriage. I am not sure how much more I can take

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Thank you everyone who replied, it’s so devastating. As soon as I think I’m back on track and coping with anxiety along comes something. I’m just beyond hurt, it’s all so deeply painful. I will try and look at the upside, there she is discussing it and she hasn’t before, I just didn’t expect her to say how much I’d got wrong. How I could have done better and how she wanted me to hold up my hands and take responsibility for the arguing.
I’m so glad I can come on here and be listened to.

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Thank you Kip, yes I’ll definitely try that line regarding only one person to blame. I completely get that what she witnessed must have been horrendous, but I think what makes me so mad is that he has never taken responsibility or been made to face up to his abuse. It’s only me who gets it in the neck as if I have to carry all his guilt and shame. She said she didn’t want to “Dad bash”. She talked about there being no food in the house, they had no nice clothes, no nice haircuts and I asked if she remembered me scraping my portion of food off my plate so they wouldn’t go hungry but there was always money for his booze. She kept saying I was being hostile towards him and that we were a team. I’m just in shock.

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Ugh, there are so many that I would be here all night listing them. I think as others have said, it’s when your role as a mother is brought into question. It really hurts. My husband told me I was irresponsible for going to a mainstream church service with our adult son, who was really looking forward to it. His anger was off the Richter scale, it was unreal, he swore, shouted, threw things about, rang up members of our family and a health professional and gave a cock and bull story about why we were going. He managed to convince everyone that I was irresponsible. I had phone calls from my daughters yelling at me too. I was on my knees with stress, I thought I was going mad, my son too was in bits. He told everyone that I was telling my son he could be cured of an illness at church, such lies, I would never ever have said or implied such a thing. So his lies made me look horribly irresponsible.
I was told I was irresponsible and thoughtless many times, either with the children or financially. Thankfully I know now that I am the opposite, but when you’re in the middle of abuse and he’s lined up his soldiers by lying to them, that’s when it hurts so badly.

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I hear you, when my oldest was a teen, she was very difficult and would pick fights with me. She could be very inconsiderate and disrespectful, abuse in our home was so normal that I took it, although it made me very anxious. Now that she is an independent adult, we have spoken about her Dad’s (my husband’s) abuse, she has said that she feels guilty for some aspects of her behaviour towards me. All I can do is understand that her behaviour was an aspect of how she was kicking against his abuse. I know that she was just so angry with him (still is) but couldn’t express it and so turned on me, understandable and forgivable. I once read that children need love even when you feel they don’t deserve it.
Regarding wet towels, clothes lying around, if she has her own room, get a huge basket and put everything in there and then into her room for her to sort through. You must be under enormous strain, try and take time for yourself if that’s possible. You will get through this.

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Thanks bumblebee, just having an awful day, sometimes, there’s only so much meditation, praying, walking, counselling I can do. The memories are so strong.

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Thank you everyone, had gone onto the forum to start a new thread and saw these messages. I know nbumblebee, it’s literally impossible to believe what we accepted and what we excused. I’ve finished counselling for now for financial reasons, but am doing EFT with a student who needs to build up their hours. It’s actually quite comforting to tell the stories again and again, but yes hearing them aloud, it’s surreal.

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Thank you for responding. Yes, Eggshells, you’re right, an abuser will never allow the home to be safe and welcoming.
Mime, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, I can only imagine how hard and hurtful this must be for you. It must be very difficult for your children to understand, but then that’s the whole mess of abuse, it hurts so many people.
Bettertimesahead, I like your title (inspiring!) How lovely that you can relax in your own home nowadays, an entitlement sadly lacking with abuse. I know what you’re saying about wishing you’d ended things sooner, glad you’re going forward though.

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Ah yes, “fog” is the right word, it’s so true that the abuse is hard to see. How I’ve survived this long is anyone’s guess, just feel so sad for my daughters. Thank you Eggshells.

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Another crazy rule. Pre mobile phones, I wasn’t allowed to chat on the landline “for long” because I was a “wife and mother” and there was no time for talking. Outgoing calls were a no no, in fact strictly forbidden unless timed by him, he would be glaring at me and tapping his watch. He would hit the roof if he felt I was talking for too long. This resulted in severe anxiety about answering the phone or making calls.

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Thank you Eggshells, oh my goodness, I had a picture in my head of your poor son sobbing his heart out, that must have been so heartbreaking for you. I know my girls are on the edge, fortunately they both have lovely partners who have helped their journey through this whole mess. Yes, you are right I will trust my natural instincts, the stories are just so shocking, all I want to do is hug them and apologise for not leaving earlier.

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Reading back all the rules just makes me realise how impossible the abuser’s expectations are. I wasn’t allowed to choose or buy anything for the house. He chose, he bought, so I live in a house not of my choosing with the garden/decorating/furniture/layout almost entirely of his choice. I never got a say. My life wasn’t worth living if I said anything other than “Thank you” when a piece of furniture would be delivered, or if he chose some wall art. He would bully me into saying how grateful and thankful I was. Once I dared to buy (detail removed by moderator) with some money gifted to me. Big mistake, he ranted and ranted for days about how hideous they were until in anger I threw them on the floor. He just smirked triumphantly, job done.

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Roadtohealing, you are so so brave to come onto this forum and write about your experience. The ladies here saved my sanity when I first told my story. Your experience is very similar to mine. The years of humiliation, financial and emotional abuse. The hope that it will get better, that by some miracle your husband will start to behave in a decent way. I was once a confident, bubbly person, I had money, friends, a good social life and plans. After two years of living with him I hardly recognised myself, friends dropped away, family rarely visited, I was so nervous I could hardly answer the phone. He mocked my beliefs, thoughts, plans, my mothering, the way I look, dress, speak. If you can get away, safely, do it. You will get great advice on here. There is a great podcaster called Rhoberta Shaler, she has lots of vids on YouTube. She too was abused and her understanding on this subject and advice is really excellent. I am still with my husband, he is very sick so I am trapped, however things are better since I realise who he is. I don’t engage with him unless I have to, but I guess he wouldn’t be so amenable if he was in good health. Like others have said, put yourself first now, look after you. Keep coming on here for support. Best of luck.

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Hi HD was interested in the book you mentioned and will probably download it at some point. I have found a couple of the books recommended on this site really informative and helpful. In fact, when I first realised I was in an abusive relationship, someone on this site suggested that reading as much as I could about abuse would educate me into understanding what had happened to me. Glad that your abuser is now your ex.

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Sorry to hear this, it really is so humiliating isn’t it? My husband did this to me a few years ago. A similar situation, I was out with friends (a rare event) having a meal, chatted for ages, one of the other husband’s gave us all a lift home, he is a relative, so not a threat to my husband. It was only about (removed by moderator) pm. I knocked on the door, nothing, began to feel very nervous, then rang my oldest child, who was about (removed by moderator) at the time. She let me in. He was lying in bed, awake, with a face like a thunder and I remember my stomach turning to water. I didn’t do it again for a long time, the punishment wasn’t worth it. I am truly so sad for you, it hasn’t got any better for me, except I’m so angry with myself for staying with the abuse.

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Littledove and wantstohelp thank you for giving me hope. Reading your stories, there does seem to be a pattern. I was also bullied at school because I was tiny, “posh” and wore glasses, no boys were interested in me at all. By the time I was in my late teens I had grown out of my gawky stage but was (with hindsight) completely traumatised by the bullying . I was painfully shy, so when I started work as a teen, I was ripe for abuse.

My boss, a huge married hulk of a man, in his late 30s sexually abused me for a long time. I couldn’t say no to him, back in the 70s, the threat of a bad reference or the sack was a disaster. He held all the cards and I couldn’t tell my parents because I thought they would blame me and so I just put up with it. I was so desperate to be “normal”, have a boyfriend and have fun. I was so relieved when I left that job and my abuser.

Every boyfriend I had thereafter abused me emotionally and sexually, I thought there was something desperately wrong with me. I’ve been threatened with a knife, humiliated and degraded, punched, thrown onto the ground. Screamed at. It was always so shocking, as my parents were just so nice and I felt so safe and loved by them. I didn’t what to do, I couldn’t understand why I was unable to navigate adult life. So by the time, my husband to be came along, I thought, finally, I’ve come home, I felt loved and safe. Fast forward years and years and I am completely and utterly sickened by the abuse I’ve received from him. It is only here on this forum and through counselling that I’ve learned that I’m not to blame, abusers are attracted to empaths. Your survival and happiness gives me enormous hope and courage. Thank you.

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Yes it’s a terrible feeling, I won’t miss him one bit. Time away from him is Heaven, I hate how he’s treated us. Yes, like your abuser, mine will never be happy

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You’re right Kip, abuse does think we’re going mad, the nitpicking, gaslighting, interrogations, criticisms, condemnations, sneers, questioning your ability as a mother/wife/employee/driver/housekeeper/friend will all get to you overtime. If you fight back, you’ll be accused of being abusive and hormonal, if you ignore it, the anger and resentment builds up. If you try to “improve” to be free of his nastiness, it will never be enough. All I can say is two of my adult children say I should have left long ago, we would all have been spared his madness.

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Unhappy&doubting it sounds like abuse, your name says it all. It all sounds rather familiar, the keeping in touch when you’re out, making you feel guilty about your hobbies, making comments when you’re on the phone to your friends and then aggression. This was me and my life decades ago with my husband, this is where it started. The keeping in touch when I was out (before mobiles) led to him ringing my friend’s house phones, shouting down it, or calling on the house where I was, so I stopped going round for coffee with friends because I would have panic attacks if their phone rang or if their doorbell went. Mobiles made the stalking worse. My hobbies, don’t get me started, he decided that all my interests were a waste of time and money, until over the years, I have all but one hobby left, an instrument, even now, he will interrupt when I’m on it, to ask stupid questions, or get me to do something. He can’t stand to see me relaxing. The nasty names, turned into more and worse insults, he has been physically abusive too. Although when I told my counsellor this I said “but only when I was pregnant”. I realised the enormity of what I stated when my counsellor let the words sit for a while. It just got worse and worse over the years, so (detail removed by Moderator) plus years ago I was where you are now, wanting to go but doubting my own truth. It’s taken me all these years, this forum, my adult children and my counsellor to say “this is abuse”. You don’t have to live a life of fear and doubt, I didn’t have the strength to leave because the stuffing had been knocked out of me and I just couldn’t face the facts that he was an abuser, it won’t get better. Well done for coming on here, that takes guts.

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