Hope123

[Hope123]

First, forgive yourself. This stuff is hard. There is no shame in this but it also doesn’t mean contact has to continue. You are in control and you can say no more and stop contact. You don’t need permission. Put it down to experience and part of your recovery is making a mistake in this contact and coming back from it stronger.

[Hope123]

You are posting on a women aid website. Why are you here?

Childhood abuse does not give permission to abuse others. This is a cycle of behaviour and you will ask this again in a few months. And that ok if you need to.

You do not need permission to walk away. But if you feel that you do need permission to walk away here it is. You get to choose who you are with. You don’t need a reason. It’s ok just to say this is not what I want.

Take care x

[Hope123]

From my experience you will feel initially fee amazing and free. The reading about FOG is great. Essential I would say.

But be careful not to get complacent, the old patterns can re-emerge. Be ready and have a whack-a-mole approach.

It takes time (I’m over 3 years and still feel the trauma everyday) but I promise it’s the best thing ever.

[Hope123]

You know when it’s wrong. When your partner resents your success it’s wrong. You end up downplaying it just to keep the peace. Trust your gut.

[Hope123]

Thank you xx

[Hope123]

I haven’t seen him. But I want to. I need to get a strategy in place for when I want to. I thought I had. But this was just too overwhelming. I have a 12 hour strategy. So if I want to contact him I can. But only if I still want to in 12 hours. So if I’m feeling like I want to contact him 10pm I tell myself if I still want to at 10am I can. But I never do because the craving has gone.

This time I did. So I need a new strategy.

[Hope123]

I wish I had an answer! Others give such good advice.

But I wish I had kept a diary. I did write a few things down but mostly I let things go and thought I need to write that down in the morning, then never did.

I wish I had it to reread when I sit and think about the good times as my memory tells lies.

[Hope123]

I can hear the doubt in your words but if someone close to you told you that story would you say that it’s nowhere near as bad as others? No you would see it for what it is. But because of those trauma bonds you don’t see it for yourself. Give yourself the advice you would give someone else.

It’s really hard and it takes so much to unpick yourself out of those bonds. I still want someone else to do it for me! But that’s impossible.

Be kind to yourself but give yourself the tough love you need to get out and be safe and be happy xx

[Hope123]

Hi Imagine,

Its really difficult dealing with the guilt of ending a relationship, because at the bottom of it you are good person who has empathy and concern for other people. The problem is you won’t get the same respect back.

The one thing I would say is keep the no contact. I didn’t and regret it everyday. Its like starting from scratch again and although I should practice what I preach I didn’t and its just extended the misery.

Hope you’re OK x

[Hope123]

You are safe now and while the emotional rollercoaster is about to start – remember you have your safety belt on – it’ll be scary and confusing but you’re safe.

Take help where you can, rest, sleep if you can – I slept for hours every day when I finally got out – hide under the duvet if you need to to but look after yourself. When you have a bad day don’t worry about it, when you have a good day make the most of it and do things that make you happy.

Take care of yourself x

[Hope123]

I always do the arrangements – I’m “so good at that stuff and find great places and great prices” – or in other words pop me on my pedestal until I have got all the arrangements sorted because I’m can’t be bothered!

Holidays start with drinks at the airport and carry on from there. Constantly seeking out where his next drink is coming from. We have had some great trips but there is always one night where there is a big unnecessary incident. The problem is that I never know when its coming so am massively anxious until it happens and then I almost feel like I can relax from the next day onwards. The bragging to strangers about his successes and exaggerated stories of things he’s done or people he knows and I’m just smiling and never ever challenging.

Birthdays are always ruined various drama or incidents or plans for me are made that that actually are just what he wants to do and I just smile and go along with them.

The behaviour patterns are just so similar its crazy!

[Hope123]

And you’re describing my experience too. At the start everything was going to be amazing. Luxury holidays and travelling the world. How he would look after me. Fast forward to me racking up debts to pay for his addiction and on ending the relationship feeling such guilt that he is unemployed and no longer living a nice house with a nice life. Why do I feel guilt that this is the case when his nice life resulted in mine being miserable?

I feel embarrassed that I allowed this to happen. After all I’m a reasonably intelligent successful person in all other areas of life. How could I be so stupid? And how did I repeatedly think things would change and get sucked back in?

I had to do so much reading and learning to acknowledge that I was powerless at the time to make the change as I didn’t understand why everything suddenly shifted between unbearable to great. Now I do I still find it tough to not get sucked back into drama and the ‘buzz’ that that would give me. Or to try and convince him and explain why this relationship ended due to his behaviour and not my deficits but what’s the point? With my need to be the ‘good’ or ‘nice’ one against his need to be right this will always be a circular argument and there is no resolution.

How I did it was leave and inform the police and then they made an agreement for him to leave on a fixed date and I returned to the house after he’d gone. I did get some advice from WA before leaving as as the house is mine they said it was OK to do and he would had to leave. I then got conflicting advice after leaving where the police said if he didn’t go they couldn’t make him. I panicked but WA assured me that this wasn’t correct. He did leave so it worked out OK. I’m not suggesting it as a strategy but I had to get out quickly for safety reasons.

Its an ongoing saga but my choice is to be happy in the future. Even if its difficult now is so much calmer and that feels good for the soul.

x

[Hope123]

Hi Desolate – I’m doing exactly the same thing. My head is a mess but I do still love him and of course he is now able to mess with it more.. Because I let him! So I have no advice – just letting you know that you aren’t a lost cause. We can do this x

[Hope123]

I could have written most of this over the last couple of days. But is have made contact and how I wish I had come here first. Struggling with the same issues around contact. What have I done?? You have said exactly what I’m thinking and and struggling to accept. The man I love is in my head. It is a lie and not based on reality. But the pain of abandonment as he moves into his next victim is so painful.

So thank you for starting the topic with your honesty and thank you to the wise replies. x

[Hope123]

You’re amazing! And one day you’ll get used to care coming your way. Just sorry you have to go through what you did x

[Hope123]

Well done. Your emotions will be all over. None of them are ‘wrong’ but might be unexpected. Don’t forget that you have done the right thing x

[Hope123]

Enjoy the peace. I was surprised that all I did was sleep for a week! Rest and start to heal x

[Hope123]

I’m struggling and have failed to keep no contact. Messages about belongings turned into conversations.

I find myself unable to stop responding. The calmness of being away from him vs this leaving so many gaps of situations that were bad but familiarly. It’s like an addiction. I know it’s trauma bonding but it’s so strong.

He wants to be back together and wants me to be clear if there is no chance of that. But when I say there isn’t it seems to get lost somewhere in the communication.

I thought it would get easier but this week seems worse than ever.

[Hope123]

Try focussing on the future and that one day you’ll have peace and be away from this.

Write down how you feel so you don’t forget how bad the anxiety is in the future.

Take care x

[Hope123]

Hi Butterfly3

It’s all so familiar. Just describes my relationship.

So when I was planning to get out I completely gave everything just to keep him sweet. After going he says I over reacted as it had been going so well. Yes it was going well for you because I was keeping everything sweet so it was safe!

I was desperate to scream that and get him to understand but there is no point.

Ignoring your own needs and keeping things stable is really important as long as it’s while you’re planning your exit. It’s, of course, a disastrously dangerous way to live but necessary at the moment.

[Hope123]

It’s really difficult isn’t it? My mind sometimes takes out all the bad and I can only remember the good. And then it even makes the good stuff out to be even better than it was!

Social media doesn’t help. Memories pop up with happy smiling photos. If only the incidents, arguments and behaviour were captured as effectively as reminders of the true reality.

I keep trying to remember the true reality (coming on here helps) but it’s tough.

Keep going!

[Hope123]

Well done for moving forward and not getting sucked back into things.

The reasons you’ve not together are still clearly there so try and use the guilt and hurt to remind you of why that relationship is damaging. No one that loves you wants to make you feel like that. And there is no reason to feel like that other than the abuse.

You getting a car will hurt him because it reinforces that not only that you can do it but more importantly that you know that you can do it so his abuse is no longer working like he wants it to.

Stay strong!

[Hope123]

Thanks 😊

Staying strong but this is the first night in ages that I haven’t slept. Another reminder of the emotional damage this stuff does.

[Hope123]

Well done for getting a plan together. First steps towards a better future x

[Hope123]

Well done for leaving. You’re very brave and I hope you’re somewhere safe. Alcohol can be a problem – but the real problem is him. Alcohol is not excuse for any behaviour. This is a good place to find some support to move forward from this.

[Hope123]

Honestly, WhohaveIbecome, your post could be written by me, and probably so many others on here. It is so difficult to leave. I have laid awake so many nights planning and then in the morning plans seems to evaporate and all of a sudden – back into normal routine. Nothing is wrong with you – is just a big trick that your brain is playing.

I’m finding coming onto here is really helping. When I get thoughts about going back I come on here and it reminds me what the real situation is – not the one my brain is telling me when I’m feeling vulnerable.

Trust yourself and if you can’t because your brain is playing tricks – try and trust others that want to keep you safe x

[Hope123]

Yes – trust your gut. Easier said than done and speaking as someone who ignored theirs for too long! Even if you just realise that what you are saying is true and you are not mad. You are not over sensitive. You are not lazy. His behaviour is the issue. Love to you and well done for posting.

[Hope123]

I’m totally feeling this at the moment. I’ve read and read and read all the psychology and totally understand and relate to it all. But what it doesn’t help with is how ‘real’ and persistent those feelings and thoughts are.

Its like my head is telling me I’m throwing away a lovely, caring relationship that could be so amazing. Its telling me I should help him because of the impact this is having on him and the negative past he has. And that I still love him even though I know his love isn’t and won’t ever be real.

The logical side understands the abuse and the reasons my damaged emotional trauma bonded brain is telling me all this. I just struggle with the ‘reality’ of the thoughts if that makes sense. Its just so intense.

[Hope123]

Thanks everyone – I’ve had to leave as I could see the situation escalating into dangerous territory. We’re safe tonight and have contacted the police who said I’d done the right thing and I was so relieved when they said they could help and support me through things.

[Hope123]

Thank you – been lurking on this forum for a while but knowing its here and your response really helps me.

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