Llgirl

[Llgirl]

Wow I relate to this so much, you’re so right, they expect you to come to court as though you have a level head and haven’t endured years of abuse and confusion. It’s just awful, and I guess it’s a long game, their mask will fall and when it does you take them right back and say, there you go.. here he is

[Llgirl]

Hi lovely, we’ve spoken privately and I’ve given you as much info as probably I can without bombarding you. (detail removed by Moderator). They always want to be portrayed as the victim and so usually they hype things up so that you leave them and then they can act like they were hard done by.

Speaking to you through your child is awful and although you say he’s being kind to your child, this sounds actually to be using them to abuse you, so if anything it’s a very bad father who doesn’t seem to understand the emotional impact abusing you has on your daughter.

Gather the evidence you need, take time to build the fire inside of you and the strength and when you are ready to leave, take you and your daughter out of this situation and start living your life. They dominate your head24/7 it’s hard to think of anything other than their behaviour and the eggshells etc. you will become a better mother, and be living your life again. Being in an abusive relationship isn’t living, when you leave the cage (you will do this when you are ready) you will see just how suffocating it all was, I stayed For many many many years, and now as hard as it can be to navigate them when you leave, it’s worth it for peace, to sit in your own home and be able to take a deep breath, go where you want, speak to who you want, I can’t wait for the day we see your posts on here saying you are free, so much love to you x x x x

[Llgirl]

For me it was less than 5 days, someone recommended an amazing book to me on a parent forum and I read it all in one night and had a lightbulb moment that it was abuse. I got a non molestation order, packed our bags and left to stay with a family member. I had to leave my job, my home, but I have got a new job in a different place now, I live alone, and I am so much happier on the other side xx

[Llgirl]

Sounds like a big red flag/warning that he’d rather go through you informally than the courts. Until you have a child arrangements order you both share PR and he could essentially stop your child from having contact with you and then you would need to file an application to the court which could take weeks and weeks for you to then see your child.

If he’s been abusive to you/infront of children, whilst you were pregnant they would do a risk assessment of his behaviour.

Court can be hard but I have heard horror stories of women trying to negotiate with their abusers themselves.

Stay safe x

[Llgirl]

When I left I was a shell of a person and felt the same, I just wanted to go back but knew going back would mean being unsafe and I just couldn’t do that to myself. It’s the trauma bond. I threw myself into books, Lundy Bancrofts book, the domestic abuse recovery journal on Spotify and groups. When I left I had an IDVA, a social worker, health visitor, talking therapies, the lot. I needed all of that support just to get on with my life. I do freedom programme online and still go to a group every (detail removed by moderator) and I’m months and months out now.

Take it easy, take each day one step at a time, start learning about the cycles of abuse, and you will start to see it for what it was. It’s really really hard and a bitter pill to swallow. I did not think I had left such an abuser, I just thought he had issues, but I see how how horrendous it is, the brainwashing g, the control.

Start figuring out who you are without him without any pressure on yourself.

Inbox always open
Xx

[Llgirl]

I was also ringing the helpline to women’s aid daily as well, and using online chat

[Llgirl]

It’s trauma, our brains do a lot of crazy things to protect us. I’m exactly the same, if we remembered it all we wouldn’t be able to function and live our lives. If it helps you could keep a trauma journal to write in when you feel triggered and read it over it when you are doubting yourself.

It might be worth trying to see some CBT/trauma therapy with your local GP so you can start processing what you’ve been through and fully move on.

Sending strength

[Llgirl]

Best thing I ever did, we are on (detail removed by Moderator) months no contact (detail removed by Moderator)

[Llgirl]

I think this is totally normal, I’m being forced into seeing my ex abuser too, and he looks great, I think it’s our brains way of protecting ourselves. It’s Almost as though I split him into two people in my head? They wear their masks so so well, but the version of them at the end of the relationship is the real them. There’s an amazing podcast on Spotify call domestic abuse recovery journal, have a listen to the trauma bond episode.

Xx

[Llgirl]

absolutely keep services close to you and they can also help support you

[Llgirl]

Well done for having the strength to walk away, all the best

[Llgirl]

This is exactly how I feel right now, waiting for those cracks so I can jump out and enjoy life, moving on only for him to still manage to enact his control in some way.

Wondering why the life we built wasn’t enough for him, that he’s incapable of a normal life, that is wasn’t me all along.

Thank you for sharing

[Llgirl]

Well done, what a brave and incredible step you’ve taken in reporting him.

I felt guilty when I first reported too, but why should they get away with it time and time again?

We aren’t the first and we won’t be the last and it’s not ok to treat someone this way. Ever.

It’s so brave of you, and I hope justice is served.

[Llgirl]

Been out of my relationship not even 6 months and I just wanted to say I think it’s totally normal. Because of the trauma bond and the nature of the relationship (they are the centre of the universe to us, put our needs second) it takes time to heal. I’m trying to figure out what I like to eat, how I like to do things, don’t know how long you were with your partner but if you imagine the years of trauma, it won’t just go away after a year maybe two. And I’m sure if you could remove the abuse you would, I think if my partner wasn’t abusive then I’d still be with him. It’s hard to grieve and let go, there’s no him without the abuse. But just be kind to yourself and know that whether it takes 1,2,3,4 years, you’ve done the safest and bravest thing in leaving, and I hope for myself too that eventually it will all fade away. I think back to when I was there truly there, and I had a tight chest from feeling anxious all the time, the good times were in between lots of abuse and actually people aren’t perfect but you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves you and doesn’t just want power and control over you,

When I feel like I’m missing him, I read my notes where I’ve jotted down some of the abuse that happened, read screenshots, watch any videos or photos of them not taking an interest or missing key stuff because they were so self involved.

Sending hugs

Xx

[Llgirl]

I’ve just signed up to the freedom programme, you are not stupid, we are kind compassionate people that get blindsided, lied too, manipulated, our self esteem chipped away at. It’s traumatic what we go through, you are not alone.

Not mad, not exaggerating, not stupid, not crazy.

A survivor.

There’s also bloom which does courses online too!

And do you have any local DV charities close by? I meet with someone once a week just to talk and she understand what I’m going through, it’s good to have that sound board because it’s been time now and I’m the same, don’t want to talk to my friends about it all the time even though they’re probably not sick of you.

Well done for being brave and reporting!!

[Llgirl]

WELL DONE!!! It takes so much to leave, that’s fantastic, I’m so glad you are safe, it’s really a rollercoaster of emotions so don’t be afraid to reach out for support, I still attend two groups a week!!

Xxx

[Llgirl]

You can self refer to therapy, depending on county though there might be women’s charities that can offer you some therapy, maybe ask that charity if they can direct you to somewhere you can do one to one x

[Llgirl]

My inbox is open if you need some support or some advice on courts etc x

[Llgirl]

So hard to remember that on the hardest days but thank you, you are so right, I feel like if I don’t see it through he will torture me forever

[Llgirl]

It feels like they don’t allow you to move on, I am sending so much care your way, I can tell you as hard as it is on the other side it’s so much better than being in an abusive relationship, I finally feel safe in my own home, I can eat, go and do what I want without having to answer to anyone, it’s taken me so long and I’m still rebuilding who I am as a person, I had almost dissapeared when I left, and I’m refinding myself, thank you for reminding me how far I’ve come

[Llgirl]

Thank you for saying that, I think it’s hard to remember how far I’ve come sometimes, and actually leaving was the hardest step, I’m trying to remember that through all of it I can stand in my truth, and that the truth will out

[Llgirl]

Gosh, why do they say supervised only until they investigate if they are going to force contact when they are charged ???

[Llgirl]

Yes assault charges as well

[Llgirl]

I’m really sorry you’re going through all of that, it took me a good few months of no contact to see just how awful an abusive relationship is. When I first left I would have said he was bad 20% of the time, I now see it was all a manipulation and he was bad 100% of the time. I also thought he had only been violent to me a couple of times but violence doesn’t just mean a punch..

I read a great book by Lundy Bancroft, you can find the free PDF online. It’s a brilliant book and after reading it, within two weeks I had fled my home.

I would call women’s aid, or you can visit your GP who can refer you to your local services. Sometimes speaking to a professional will help you see all of the behaviours and tactics. You deserve so much better, you deserve to live a life without fear. When I first left I still struggled not to follow the rules we had in the house because I was with my ex for a long long time.

I haven’t been out even a year yet but I am already starting to feel peace. You can get protection with a non molestation order, an occupation order for your home too.

Well done for reaching out, it takes a lot of guts to post on here. The first and hardest step is seeing the abuse for what it is.

The second step is getting in contact with a service and starting a plan to leave. Especially as you have children, I don’t even speak to my ex we have a third party in place for child contact.

My inbox is open. But you are worth more. And don’t beat yourself up if you don’t leave today or next week, you can plan slowly and allow yourself time to put everything in place first.

[Llgirl]

Thank you so much Lisa, that really helps

[Llgirl]

I fled my abusive partner not even a year ago, we had a nice house, gorgeous children, a successful business. But I wanted to stop living in fear, the nice man I married I saw glimpses of him now and then.. it might help you to do some reading, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is brilliant, Pat craven is a great source too. Life doesn’t have to be eggshells and putting yourself second, it doesn’t have to be giving up the job of your dreams. It was one of the hardest things I did to leave my entire life behind but I now don’t live in fear, waiting for a little place of my own where I won’t get screamed at if XYZ isn’t done to his approval. I’m looking forward to the freedom. When I was in my situation I was told by someone very close to me, you aren’t a tree.. you can move. And it was a lightbulb moment for me, but it still took me another 2 years to leave..

[Llgirl]

Amazing podcast on Spotify – domestic abuse recovery journal x

[Llgirl]

Would you mind if I messaged you to ask you about how you found court for child arrangement?

[Llgirl]

Hi lovely,

So sorry you’re in a similar position, breaks your heart doesn’t it seeing them hurt. So I did some drawings with my toddler, happy times, sad times, and then we spoke about who they want around him, what they likes, and it helped open up a bit of a conversation as they’re still so small. Happy to go into more detail on private chat, don’t want to give too much away on here in terms of exercises and what came of it.

We are currently going through the legal process to decide how contact should happen, but again can go into more detail if you want.

Inbox is always open
Xx

[Llgirl]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. My health visitor was brilliant and I’m going to have a look at some art therapy.

Xx

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