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I don’t know either. It does feel insane, sort of like it isn’t happening and you’ve gone into another dimension. Sometimes I think of how great things would have been if he’d been good and true, but he was deceptive and fake and parasitic. I sometimes think he preferred destruction.

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This really puzzles me because of the seeming overlap between certain personality disorder characteristics, and abusive behaviour and mentalities.

Personality disorders seem to be used to account for or even explain away abusive behaviour. It is even more confusing when people say that abusers aren’t in control of their actions, on account of their disorders. My previous counsellor even said that my ex’s actions were not fully in his control because of his depression. But I was depressed too? So whose depression was more real and valid? It was messing with my mind and I stopped going to see her.

For a while I have been taking a lot of issue with how certain behaviours and attitudes are pathologised. Maybe it is only serving to blur the lines between mental illness and abusive behaviour. I know they can occur together, but they’re not the same, yet for some reason I feel confused why I can’t explain that?

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Hello everyone,

Thank you for all your thoughtful comments. It’s such a relief to know that I’m not wrong in what I’m feeling. I have been bottling a lot of this up, and I don’t know if it is just coincidence but my eczema has flared up (it flared up last year due to stress), and I was puzzled and alarmed because I guess I have been denying how I’m feeling. Going to try channelling all this into a more creative outlet (perhaps my writing, as I have been writing more in my journal lately).

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Hi Lightness,

Yes, I relate to the feelings of exhaustion very well. Over time I also became more unable to cope with work and started to have panic attacks. I was signed off sick, and when I went back I was using up my holiday hours to give myself breaks.

I feel quite depressed, so I think perhaps that is contributing to me feeling tired all the time. Also the lack of sunlight and not caring for my diet properly. In general though, some days I feel like I could sleep around the clock. I most look forward to just lying in bed and drifting off whilst watching / listening to TV. People are noticing that I seem tired all the time despite not doing much these days, and it’s kind of embarrassing. I feel I have to prove that I’m not being lazy but it just exhausts me more.

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Hi Serenity,

This is a fantastic post. It’s given me a lot to think about, especially as I’ve noticed how the pain seems to crop up in cycles. For a few days I felt relatively okay and even quite “light” inside, but then it’s like a seemingly harmless reminder of him can set off me missing him and feeling the shock of abandonment all over again, or else I feel I recoil and have a sickly feeling that lasts for ages.

I think reconnecting to ourselves through bodily awareness is vital; I’d like to build up the motivation and energy to stick to a self-care plan. A strange thing perhaps, but when this all happened I felt a strong desire to go swimming. I haven’t been swimming in ages; I just wanted to submerge myself in the water. When I was a kid I used to swim a lot, and I loved swimming under the water; it was always very soothing and calm there. I’d like to try it again.

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Hello, thanks for your responses. I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately, with how stressed and angry I’ve been. I came across some articles about retaliating to abusive behaviour, and on reflection I believe I was lashing out a lot. Things didn’t feel right in many ways – I think I was trying to provoke him into caring or simply just to acknowledge me. Then I’d be seeking affection in a really guarded way from other people to fill the emptiness and I just felt really lost. Yet in the end it only made things worse than before; I think that’s why I got myself into believing that if I had repressed all my negative feelings that things wouldn’t be this way. I feel very strongly that he couldn’t handle me expressing how his behaviour was affecting me.

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Hoping everyone has a peaceful Christmas. It should be different this year for me, as pretty much every Christmas we were together there was some kind of turmoil.

Really glad I found this forum as it is a valuable source of support. <3

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I understand this, but I agree with Serenity that being a decent, empathetic person means you’ll respond to those situations with care in spite of what they’ve done. I’ve been experiencing a lot of guilt and upset thinking of the state he’s in, but a lot of information is being held back from me. He lost a lot of weight this year and it really makes me worry. There’s been a lot of times I was tempted to step in and help him at expense to myself, but by then I was already so drained and I needed him to take some responsibility because I was at my wit’s end. Xx

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Hello everyone and thanks for your replies. <3

I get the sense my counsellor is trained in person-centred therapy but she’s also a couples / marriage counsellor.

I’ve decided to make an appointment with my GP and ask about medication alongside another form of therapy. It would have been preferable to avoid medication but I don’t feel like I can cope.

Feeling like I’m coming off unstable to his family (particularly as I’m aware he’s used my mental state to excuse lying to me in the past) makes me feel really vulnerable. You’re right Cuppa, I just wanted some kind of answer or some semblance of understanding because being kept in the dark was / is pretty unbearable.

Tomorrow morning I’ll make the appointment xx

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Hey White Rose, I can understand the feeling of being violated; he seems to have been sneaky and disregarded your wishes with how he’s obtained your contact info.
I suspect he hasn’t mentioned what exactly he wants returned to him in order to keep you guessing, and to be intentionally vague so as to provoke a response out of you.
I think I know the email feature you’re talking about, it’s like you can set up some contacts to go directly to the trash folder – I’ve used this before for spam. xx

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Hi everyone, thank you for your replies. x

As I write this I’m feeling in a very low and dark place. I’ve been told in a tough love kind of way to quit communication with his family as it makes me look worse, like I’m mentally unstable. I understand this, I do. Tonight I just feel too ashamed and upset, but I will take those steps. I know it’s the right thing to do. Deep down, I still believe in all the lies he told me, the good ones, the ones that gave me hope despite everything else. And I’ve just fallen for it, I’m holding onto something that isn’t real, I wish I didn’t.

Iamfree and Dragonfly, reading your replies makes me think there’s a lot of overlap between abusive behaviour and mental illness. This has prompted me to read about the distinctions and I’m surprised at how many people have posted on the internet trying to distinguish between them, especially when mental illness is debilitating. I agree with you, a loving relationship should be based on mutual respect, openness and honesty. He was aware of how much I’ve been scarred by lying behaviour in the past and yet has done this.

Serenity, I agree. There’s definitely elements of his attitude / personality that are at play here. I sense that his family are tentative and perhaps even afraid. I feel terrible now for putting my concerns on them, it was a rubbish thing of me to do xx

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Hello KIP and Cuppa,

The good parts do feel like a high, especially this past year when things were more turbulent than usual. The reconciliation part gave me a strong chemical feeling of relief and it is very addictive.

Emotional neglect is a big one for me too. Niggles turned into small stresses that turned into preoccupations and eventually deep insecurities. Then they started to interfere with my daily functioning. Xx

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Thank you, I agree. FB and social media in general is so damaging. That’s why in general I’ve been staying away from it, or at the very least not participating in the constant upkeep and updates just for likes/validation. I had a big old cry on Monday night after containing it all day at work, felt utterly exhausted the following day, and now it’s just settling in my mind in a more rational way, I suppose.

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Thanks for your reply. I wouldn’t necessarily feel any better if there was any telltale signs – I don’t want her to be hurt. She is clearly quite enamoured with him, and it reminds me of how I was in the beginning. It’s just those images were quite emotionally overwhelming and it was difficult to process what it could all mean, if anything. I spoke about this to someone earlier in the week, and they told me without a shred of uncertainty that “people don’t change”.

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That’s true, I’ve seen this happening with the “different faces for different people”. He could turn on the charm for others, but when we were alone I’d sometimes get the contemptible silent treatment for example. No one close to him seemed to know he was like this, and wouldn’t have believed me (probably they still don’t). I think in order to fully manipulate us, they need to also manipulate their outside circle – that your ex used social media to construct an image of happiness seems to demonstrate this.

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Thank you. It’s just sometimes I get these horrible sickening feelings that I was responsible for how it all turned out.
Rationally, I know it is hard to reality-check a social media post.
It’s like I internalised his guilt, I’m not sure. What you said is important though – it was a choice on his part. And I think he continues to make that choice by never having accountability, and essentially just erasing me from his life like nothing happened.
It’s also hurtful when those close to him prop up his choices by covering for him, making excuses for his behaviour, collaborating in his lies. It fuels the whole “am I really crazy” thought pattern.

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Hi HopeLifeJoy, yes, I was really fretting about this the second time it happened. Even though I don’t want to be pregnant, I also don’t want to have to deal with the process of ending a pregnancy. It’s funny because he says that less sex or lack of sex is a “deal breaker” to him and I feel he expects me to measure up to this, yet doesn’t seem to try meeting my own expectations. I have only really thought about this now.

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Hi maddog, this has been my worry, and sometimes I have wondered whether I am being paranoid. As he has shown disregard for using protection, I sometimes wondered if he’d poke holes in the condom or something. I have heard of this happening before.

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Hi Iwantmeback, can I ask what the book is? As I may look this up. It saddens me that so many women face this issue. I must say that strangely enough, the sulking and silent treatment disturb me more than the disregard of using protection when I have asked time and again to use it. It is disturbing because I feel like it freezes me out, and makes me feel like I have done something really wrong. It is weird how silence like that can get into your head.

This would have been the beginning of another relationship after the recommended two year wait. It is likely just a guideline though, I have probably rushed into something without being critical enough and attracted some of the same dynamics as before.

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Hi fridges – I agree, it does feel like coercion when it seems he repeatedly disregards what I’ve said. It is a mixture of feeling frustrated and hopeless when he says he understands, and then acts in the opposite manner. I think you are right about the pressure, as I have been feeling under pressure, like having anxiety about going over to see him and worrying whether he will be expecting sex. Thank you for your insight.

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Thanks for your response Tiffany. It still amazes me that a lot of these things occur in retrospect, like when you questioned why you were willing to sleep with someone who disregarded your safety. I am asking myself the same thing. I think it makes it harder to address if they’ve been nice to you in other ways and shown kindness. Even after experiencing this kind of relationship dynamic before, it still seems so hard to reconcile seemingly good characteristics with toxic/abusive actions.

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Thank you Apricotpoppy – yes, that is my worry. He knows that pregnancy is not for me and he tells me he feels the same way, yet if that is the case, why take such a risk? I have been feeling so stupid and irresponsible as I feel I have allowed my boundaries to be compromised. I am considering going to the GP for a test as I strongly believe he has had unprotected sex with all his previous partners. Thank you x

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Thank you Lisa. He has moved on incredibly quickly and is already exploiting the trust of his teenage girlfriend. He once said I couldn’t be on my own (in other words suggesting I’m needy and dependent) when I think I do quite well. It’s him who needs someone but for all the wrong reasons. I think the further away I am from news of him and his life the better I will be, because I end up feeling dreadful whenever something comes up.

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Hello, I’m feeling a bit better. It’s just another thing that has to settle into my mind. Not sure I can reveal what the disease is without being really specific, but knowing he is justifying his behaviour because of it got into my head, and yesterday I was wondering if it could have been that. But I think that’s just another way of doubting myself and feeling worse. x

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Sometimes things just creep into my mind and I end up thinking about them anyway. I don’t know why I’m finding it so hard to accept, but as you said our thinking patterns are very different. I feel like some kind of explanation would help to heal me, but in reality it probably wouldn’t. Probably because there is no explanation, and if there is one it’ll be an excuse. I’ve never really been able to get an answer out of him, I don’t know why I have this stupid hope that he’ll give me one now.

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Hello IWillSurvive,

I think it can be so difficult to persevere with someone who isn’t taking responsibility for their own issues. It just wears you down. Sometimes he mentioned depression; I was aware of it and tried to help but I couldn’t do it for him. There were times I took on the role of therapist and tried getting him to explore his feelings, to see what was there, but he said nothing is there, he didn’t know what it is / was. It was a dead end every single time, and it makes you feel hopeless, knowing they’re like that but won’t get better because they don’t even know what the issue is.

I also tried countless times to explain how he was affecting me. The bizarre thing is that he was quite good at acknowledging the situation, but this was frustrating in the end because he’d just recite to me what had happened (after I “made” him see what had happened). He wouldn’t go deeper than that, like he wouldn’t reflect on it? And nothing would change.

He either listens to me and doesn’t care, or he is aware of how it affects me and distorts the situation so he doesn’t have to be aware of it (maybe they’re the same thing!). xx

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Hello Peaceful Pig, what you’ve said helpful in realising that the particular approach might not be right for me at this time. I haven’t felt confident enough to discuss the impact of the sessions with the counsellor. Last time I tried going into how the counselling was making me feel afraid / vulnerable but I ended up derailing myself, I’m just not comfortable.

Hey Cuppa, like you I’ve been discussing my anxiety and low mood to doctors for the past few years, but I couldn’t or didn’t really want to see that a major factor was my relationship with him. I have only discussed the relationship with a doctor once before and he was quite firm in telling me that I wasn’t psychologically robust and urged me to seek help. I didn’t appreciate the severity of his words then, in fact I worried I’d just over reacted! Xx

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Hey Cuppa. Today I feel more resolved to take care of myself. I need to remind myself that is what he’s doing, and I agree, trying to deal with other people’s ways of coping is a dead end. So I’m just leaving them to it now. It hurts a lot, more than I can put into words. It feels like I’m missing from myself.
Last night I was thinking how the kindest thing I can do for myself is to just have something to do, something to be proud of that is mine. Because I don’t feel like I have anything right now…the things I worked for and was working towards with him have gone nowhere.

Hugs! xx

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The theme of suicide seems to crop up in most of his intimate relationships judging from what he’s told me. And now he’s the same with me.

I understand your anger. I think of how I’ve been since this all happened, in such a state that I had to be physically hauled out of bed and needing support to walk around because I’ve been too weak, and hearing about him returning to his studies after a few weeks, but I’m being led to believe he’s severely depressed. Of course I don’t doubt that and I appreciate people having ways of coping, but when I think of the mental energy required to study at his level, and I’m still struggling to read a book…it just baffles me.

The reality is twisted and distorted until your perception doesn’t seem trustworthy, only his. 🙁 xx

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Hi EeyoreNoMore. What you’ve said really hits the nail on the head; I just felt selfish for thinking / feeling it. My mental health has deteriorated since being with him, I’d get into some terrible states, but I sort of feel like it doesn’t mean anything if he’s claiming his behaviour is due to his depression.

One of the biggest challenges, even now it seems, has been to give space to my wellbeing whilst at the same time trying not to make him feel bad or worsen his condition if, for example, I reacted upset to something he’d done.

Due to the way he’s “accounted” for this situation it seems like people are tip-toeing around him and don’t want to upset him. This kind of behaviour has been ongoing for a really long time and has often left me with no choice but to suppress how I feel; essentially to have no reaction to him.

Reacting poorly to someone who seems broken and severely depressed, not in their right minds, makes me look unreasonable and toxic. I’ve always felt that he’s tried to make me out that way.

When I received that message, they said at the end that there’s nothing more to say. Well, fine. Maybe for them. xx

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