Seeingclearly

[Seeingclearly]

‘Their Eyes Were Watching God’ by Zora Neale Hurston, written in the 1930s. A beautiful book about the complexities of being in a violent relationship, and the liberation of escape.

“Here was peace. She pulled in her horizon like a great fish-net. Pulled it from around the waist of the world and draped it over her shoulder. So much of life in its meshes! She called in her soul to come and see.”

[Seeingclearly]

Hi Fudgecake. Yes, I developed chronic pain and a lot of muscle tension, and was always exhausted. I often felt down and burdened by trying to figure out how to keep him from being sulky. Always doing what I wanted made me feel selfish and demanding – but he would never suggest anything. I felt like it was my responsibility to make him happy, by doing lots of guesswork to ensure a meal out, or time with friends wouldn’t be ruined. It was bizarre, because although I got to do whatever I wanted, my focus was always on him. It wasn’t a partnership – it was a weird out-of-step dance that eventually led to broken bones (mine) and a trip to A&E where I lied to a doctor. And STILL I kept going!

[Seeingclearly]

He was the one who wasn’t enough

[Seeingclearly]

Hi Fudgecake,

In the montage it was just the two of them, which eventually becomes smothering. I can look back on many happy times, but that was only when it was just us. Gradually I became more and more isolated, and got very down and couldn’t really work out why. Just as in the drama, we did absolutely nothing unless I arranged it. He just wanted us to always be at home alone together. Those times when seeing other people couldn’t be avoided, he would sabotage it by behaving disgracefully – especially if it was an event that I was particularly excited about. Or, he would behave well, but would be in foul form afterwards. And always he would apologise and say he had ‘issues’ to work on and I would feel sorry for him and genuinely promise to help him. But he did nothing about dealing with his issues – they were empty promises. It was incredibly stressful and frustrating.

He was a loner who wanted me to be a fellow loner in a colourless, empty world with just him for company. In that world, he would be nice to me, he would be very kind and helpful, but he would also gaslight me, control me and subtly undermine me, and play mind games that left me so confused. I stayed for quite a few years. Eventually he became violent, physically and verbally, and I thought it was my fault. He terrified me. Now I am out of it, but I need help to process it and build myself up again. The drama really drove it home to me just how bad my situation was, and helped to see it is recognised pattern of abuse. I didn’t cause it. I am so grateful to the people who made I am Nicola – they have added to my recovery process.

[Seeingclearly]

You poor thing, you sound completely exhausted. Maybe you should just get into bed and rest for a few days – if you can. It sounds like you need it. It’s ok to shut the world out for a while. Get some nice food in and bunker down. Bathe and sleep and eat well and take good care of yourself. It won’t solve everything, but you might emerge a few days later feeling a bit stronger.

[Seeingclearly]

I feel for you, Yellowflower, I really do. I went through all of this as well. I missed him so much and I missed the nice things that we did together. If these men were 100% abusive from day one, we would never have let a relationship develop. But we had good times with them and it’s normal to miss the good times and push the memory of the bad times to the back of the mind. Like you, I experienced the waves of longing and wanting to make contact. I am very glad I resisted as I know I would have been drawn back in – and I know I would have regretted it and had to go through the heartache and anxiety of leaving all over again (with even more damage to my wellbeing). What really helped me resist contacting him was writing out a list on my phone of all the reasons I left, including descriptions of some of the dreadful things he did. My list was very long! I would read it every day single day – and sometimes add to it as things came back to me. It definitely helped me not push the bad things to the back of my mind.

Maybe what we miss is the nice parts of being in a relationship? Those things can be found with someone else some day, someone who doesn’t extract a huge price for them. I’m not looking to meet anyone – I’m getting on a bit! But, I’m assuming that you are younger than me.

When you ask yourself if you gave up on him, remember to tell yourself that going back to him would be giving up on yourself. Please don’t give up on yourself 🙂

[Seeingclearly]

Hi Brighterdaysahead, Great name!

“He was never physically abusive. I’m still wondering if I’ve overplayed the whole thing. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was? I just wish he could get some help for the pain and hurt inside him. It breaks my heart.”

Even if it wasn’t as bad as you thought (it might have been worse), it was still bad and bad is not good! Never being physically abusive shouldn’t be the bar by which we measure how we deserve to be treated. If you asked a friend how her relationship was going and she said “pretty good – he doesn’t hit me”, you’d be shocked.

You didn’t cause the pain and hurt inside him and it’s not your job to fix him, nor should you have to bear the consequences of it. And it’s up to him to seek help.

My ex carried a lot of internal pain and trauma and I felt heartbroken for him. I now see that he exploited my sympathy and manipulated it. He wasn’t physically abusive either – until he was, presumably when the manipulation didn’t satisfy him anymore. People who abuse us don’t deserve our kindness.

…Oh how I wish I’d known that years ago 🙂

[Seeingclearly]

Hi Yellowflower, something just clicked in my head and I realised that what I was missing wasn’t him – it was the ordinary things we did together. It was the company (when his mood was ok). It was the idea of a relationship. It was saying ‘us’. It was having someone to eat dinner with. Those ordinary things you do as a couple when life is ticking over. But I was paying a massive price for those things and I would much rather forgo them than live in fear and confusion. That man who does good things is the same person who does bad things. They seem like two different people, but they are one and the same. You can never love him enough to make him stop engaging in the abusive behaviours – no one can. You will eventually see this and hold on to it. There is definitely hope!

[Seeingclearly]

I found Lundy Bancroft’s book “why does he do that?” incredibly helpful and enlightening. It’s very well written and laid out clearly so that you can read it all or dip into the most relevant sections for you. It’s a real eye-opener. He has no sympathy whatsoever for abusers, and he never blames their victims. So while he does not deal directly with personal development, the validation that he brings to women is empowering.

I have also just started reading ‘Out of the Fog: moving from confusion to clarity after narcissistic abuse’ by Dana Morningstar. I am finding it very helpful so far as she lays out what is normal and what isn’t normal in relationships, and she looks at the impact of what is abnormal. It’s reassuring to read that you response to abuse is a normal one, and that you are not losing your mind!

[Seeingclearly]

The wardrobe was only wobbly until you found a way to steady it. When you are feeling wobbly, try to focus on how much simpler life will be when you have found a way through all of this and are standing as strong and steady as the wardrobe 🙂

[Seeingclearly]

Thank you all SO much for your kind responses. I’m indulging in some retail therapy to help take my mind off things. I’m going to end up broke as well as confused and exhausted 🙂 But it’s good because every time I bought something he had something to say. I had to explain myself – even though we each had separate incomes and didn’t even have a shared account! I had to justify spending my own money that I had earned in my full-time professional job! Now I’m enjoying buying some nice things and not being interrogated about how much I spent, and why.

“Torturing myself over and over again trying to make sense of it all. Why did he do it? How could he do it? Did he ever love me? Was he remorseful? Does he actually care about me? Did he mean anything he ever said to me? But what about all the good things he did…surely he couldn’t have been faking?” – This sums it up exactly Colouringinfairy. I’m tormented by remembering some things that seemed like accidents or near-misses when driving, for example, and I’m wondering if these things were done deliberately to scare me. He definitely had so many different ways of controlling my emotions – often for pointless reasons other than just a desire to control for the sake of it.

It felt so lovely at the start, but the loveliness turned into neediness, and the neediness turned into control, and the control turned into gaslighting, and the gaslighting led to an act of violence which led to a trip to A&E and lies to a doctor. And lies to myself. And fear.

When I finally got away I missed him!!! Good god, the mind works in mysterious ways! I no longer miss him. The thought of seeing him makes me feel ill! So at least that part has passed. I suppose eventually I will stop trying to answer unanswerable questions.

[Seeingclearly]

Hi Faraway, it might worth talking to your GP about your anti-depressants. They might not be the right type for you and you may need something for anxiety as well. High levels of anxiety can shut down the appetite – and reduced appetite can be a side effect of anti-depressants. Maybe try drinking full fat milk and nibbling at small nourishing snacks frequently – nuts, fruit and berries and little bits of cheese, even some chocolate. It can be hard to eat a big meal when your stomach is all knotted with fear and stress. You really need some rest and tlc at the minute. If we have no-one to provide it for us, we have to snatch some moments of calm and quiet whenever we can. Even a hot shower can be an opportunity to try and switch off, albeit briefly. And the clean fresh feeling afterwards can make you feel like you at least have something under control! Small things can provide a little bit of comfort when there are so many huge, stressful things going on. I hope you get some rest.

[Seeingclearly]

“I lied when he asked me to make
up things so I wouldn’t be so boring.”

Of all the things I’ve read on here, that is the most poignant. That is heartbreaking. It brought a lump to my throat. You deserve so much more than that. I hope you get him out of your life and that you make a full recovery and find peace. ❤️

[Seeingclearly]

No way to live at all. What way did it affect your health? It’s great that you have recovered. I’m not quite there yet – I still feel lethargic and preoccupied, but only sometimes. Mostly I am looking forward – just occasionally I get dragged back there in my head.

[Seeingclearly]

And the following day will be even better than tomorrow! Onwards 🙂

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