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Thank you so much for your reply! It’s so hard to know what is right and do what’s best for everyone. Up to this point I’ve just tried to listen to the children and how they feel and respect their wishes. He laughed when I said they were too scared to see him on they’re own and thinks I’ve brainwashed them inti believing things happened when they didn’t- he wil always say it was my fault, I deserved it, I made him act the way he did, if I just kept quiet and did as I was told it wouldn’t have been like that etc etc it’s this sort of thing I worry about him trying to put this sort of rubbish in their head. I just know what he’s like if I give him an inch he’ll take a mile But I still feel so guilty. I just think I would never be able to go even 1 day without my babies so I don’t know how he’s done it so far. X

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Well done you x

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Ah my lovely I’m right where you are, you’re not alone. Completely agree with sunshine’s comments: I realise now I am so incredibly trauma bonded and codependent and I like you have been so close to turning up on his doorstep and saying sorry! I have no idea what I’m sorry for but it just shows like you say how messed up your head becomes. I’ve made a list of things I want to do/things I wasn’t allowed to do etc. It’s a really long process, I don’t think I had realised how long it takes to heal, when you’re in it you just want him gone and to be free. I had no idea when he was gone how hard to journey was going to be. The things I’ve managed to do for myself off the list are only wear make up, wear clothes I choose, paint my nails and shower when I choose and wear body moisturiser. Actually now I’ve listed it it feels more than I thought. Slowly but surely my lovely you’re doing great, keep going xx

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Completely agree, so accurate but also makes me feel sad, I have to be in quite a strong place to be able to listen to it x

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Thank you so much, I shall look into this. I still feel like I’m not ready to report the abuse, not sure if I ever will be but would like more information on support that is potentially available to me as I have not had any professional help apart from private counselling for a few months. xx

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Thank you so much that’s really good to know. So do I just go to the police station and ask to speak to someone about domestic abuse? So sorry to be naive just not sure how it all works! Xx

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His choices have made it this way my lovely not yours. It is so hard but you’re doing the right thing. Big hugs xx

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Oh my lovely, big hugs. Do whatever you need to to be safe xx

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Just thinking, can I go to the police station and just ask for some advice as opposed to pressing charges? Just want to know what is available to em really.

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Thank you so much for your reply. I have photographs of some of my injuries but worry as we’re nearly a year down the line it is too late to report anything if I wanted to. I am not sure I do, like I said I just want him to leave us alone and as long as he does I don’t feel the need to report him if that makes sense. I have told him when he first left if he wanted to see the children to take me to court. As yet he hasn’t and I think it’s because he knows they will speak to the children and the truth will have to come out. xx

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Hi yellow flower,

Yes I think lots of us have very vivid dreams. I think when you go to sleep it’s the only time you really relax and this all your worries/thoughts/fears that you don’t process come to the forefront. It’s your body’s way of trying to wade through it all maybe. Hopefully with time it will pass. Maybe some relaxation exercises, mindfulness exercises or mediation app or something before bed might help to clear your mind? Xxxx

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Ah ladies! Brilliant stuff! Might seem like little things but to us they’re massive! Mine had many of these but me opening the curtains was a massive one, he wanted then left closed till lunchtime (as that’s when he’d bother to get up) he hated it if I’d opened the curtains and windows. Now he’s gone my windows are permanently open and my cirtsins are all open by 7am 😂 freedom! X

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Thanks so much for your replies. I totally agree with the advice of just being in the moment and knowing it will eventually pass, just keep riding those waves. Hokey Cokey I’m so glad I could be of help to you. I don’t understand how this ache I felt for him was so strong when we’re talking about a man who has hurt me in so many horrendous ways, what on earth is wrong with me?! As I said I am so incredibly lucky to have my family support they are amazing and I couldn’t have done it without them. Like you say I don’t want to let them down. I know in my heart I’m not going back, I’m too scared. The kids will never ever have to live through that again. Feel less need to make contact today and keeping busy planning kids birthdays! Thanks so much xx

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Hi,

Thanks so much for your replies. Feeling much stronger today. How funny you should say about negative images associated with positive images, my body must be trying to do that because everytime I try to really focus on a positive memory a bad one will just pop up out of nowhere too! I am just heading past the time marker you said so hopefully like you say time will help. I really feel like that about the how could he have destroyed all this, all he had to do was stop hitting me but he just couldn’t. Googling the 5 stages of grief really helped: I flit between depression and bargaining a lot – making bargains in my head, like when the kids are all 18 or have all left home I’ll go back. I won’t, but you know what I mean. I also booked another counselling session in for a couple of weeks time. If this has shown me anything it’s that I really need to talk to a professional about this or I am in serious danger of making contact. I left once before and got to this stage last time (before we had kids) and I went back. I know if I go back this time he will end up killing me. Thank you so much ladies, I knew you’d get it. xxxx

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Well done you! Onwards and upwards xx

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Thank you so much ladies. I just feel overwhelmed with all these thoughts and this ache for him. I would never ever want him to come home, like I said my babies are doing so well, and I left for their sakes so would never put them through that again. I just feel like I want to touch him and smell him and just turn up on his doorstep. It’s ridiculous, I won’t do it, I’m too scared, but I just want these thoughts to go away. I’m definitely looking at things with rose tinted glasses. Feel overwhelmed and looking for help really. I’ve had one counselling session and k think it will really help but paying for it is tough. I’ve booked another one on for August, I’ve put my name down for a pattern changing course that starts in sept but worried about work letting me go. What else can I do? Xxx

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My lovely yellow flower you are not alone I am completely where you are now. I have been out safely for a short while and my children are so much better for it so I know that I will never go back with them as a family because my love for them exceeds my love for him. He put me and a position where it was them or him and he was never going to win. But I feel like I am walking around in a daze with this ache inside of me for him. This terrible ache that is effecting every aspect of my being at the moment. I don’t want him to come home or anything like that, I just want him to hold me. I want to touch him and smell him and I’m very close to just turning up on his doorstep. I go through all kind of scenarios in my head which is ridiculous. We’re talking about someone who has hurt me in the most horrendous ways imaginable and yet here I am crying at the drop of the hat and all these thoughts just Lee going round my head. I know I’ve romaticised it in my head, I know it won’t be how I picture it but it just won’t go. I am trusting the other survivors who say it will pass, it seems to happen every couple of weeks, I’m wondering if it’s got normal? Sorry to have hijaked your post but just wanted to say I’m here and we’ll all get through this together. Xxxx

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Dido. Completely agree they do it more with the kids in the car as it makes us more distressed. x

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Having endured years and years of every type of abuse and asking him to leave for a few years the moment came very recently. I came home in the evening after a long day at work/ferrying the kids to activities etc. I whizzed in the front door to switch the oven on to heat the dinner I had made in the morning before work and rushed up the stairs desperate for the toilet, and he was waiting. It was like he had been waiting all day for me. I literally went to the loo and he went for me about the dinner not being good enough. He attacked me, smashed the house up: photos, tvs, playstations, computers the lot. I just knew that that was it, I couldn’t do it anymore and more importantly the kids couldn’t see it anymore. He targeted all of mine and the childrens stuff, none of his precious stuff got smashed, only ours. He tried too make out he was mad and had just lost it, but he was in control the whole time. I packed a bag, he saw me and told me not to bother and he went. That was it. I wished I’d been braver sooner. xxxx

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How are you doing lovely? Xx

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Hello my lovely,
I am in a very similar situation to you so big hugs to you. I am very recently free after a incident which invoked him attacking me and smashing up our home. My eldest too hates him and has refused to every see or speak to him again, which he seems to be accepting but is pushing me hard for access to the younger three. To the point where he’s even offered for me to pay him for each child to leave us alone! It is most certainly the right decision my lovely, I too have felt how you’re feeling and probably do to some extent for a short while every day but stay strong hun. I am really trying to stay strong, this really is the best thing for the children. My husband also told me he would report me to social services for fabricated things and my children would be taken away from me and he would get 50/50 custody, he still says these things. They use it to control us for so long, he knew my biggest fear was losing them. So much of your story resonates with me: the debt from buying the best of everything for him and being berated/hit if I didn’t. Feeling terrible that my job now know because I work in a field where we deal with domestic abuse in families, I feel like a fraud to have hidden it for so long. I also feel like I’ve betrayed my lovely, supportive colleagues by not telling them sooner but I just couldn’t. You are absolutely doing the right thing my lovely, I am so sorry the police were unable to come as planned but I really hope they can get to you soon. Enjoy the peace, the freedom and getting stronger each day. You can do this xxxx

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Unfortunately not my lovely all verbal face to face. So I guess my word against his. Like I said absolutely speechless that that would even occur to him, no more wobbles or feeling bad for him and guilty. Just shocking. I guess I need to try and record that officially? xx

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Thank you so much lovelies, I am back to feeling stronger today and where my babies concerned am most definitely ready for war. KIP you are so wise, he did completely distract me yesterday and throw it all onto me and made me doubt myself and what has happened. I have not lied and I have not made anything up and I know that and I’ve got the photos to prove it. You know the sad thing his mum was a victim of domestic abuse at the hands of his dad for years, really bad physical abuse and all his siblings. Yet none of them see it in him and believe him when he says it’s all me. Yet they’ve made allowances for him how many times have we been told ‘don’t upset him’, ‘keep quiet’, ‘do as he says’. Too many times, well no more, no more of this. The whole point of leaving was so the kids didn’t have to do this anymore, they don’t have to see it or hear it anymore. So we are safe. I am still speechless that he would offer for me to pay him off for each of the children to leave us alone. He really is something else, the lowest of the low. Packing a bag and off out for the next few days I think. xxxx

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Thank you FTC, I think you’re right. I saw a solicitor for a free consultation months ago, I still have her card so think I might need to ring her in the morning. I’ve started trying to cut ties with things like bills etc making sure everything is just in my name. Hopefully she’ll be able to help me. xx

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Thank you lovely, I fear your are right. I know I shouldn’t have googled it, but he really got to me today xx

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So I googled passive aggressive traits and they’re survival skills – keeping quiet so as not to aggravate him or say the wrong thing and escalate the situation, subtle insults – nothing subtle about me telling him he’s (detail removed by Moderator)! sullen behavior – not sullen just depressed because of being abused and miserbale, stubbornness – not giving into his every request at my expense – sexually, emotionally and financially, and then you do it anyway for fear of the consequence! failure to finish tasks – not doing exactly as I’m told when I’m told.

Ha! So not so much passive aggressive – just surviving abuse on a daily basis. x

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I agree with you lovely, take the control and say you’re not going. Don’t play his games anymore, you can see he’s projecting onto you about all of his stuff. Really feel for you big hugs xxx

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Big hugs Gemma xxx I too sometimes struggle to sleep – well I fall asleep easily but don’t stay asleep often waking lots in the night/early hours of the morning. Have you thought about seeing your gp? With regards to today I would maybe take it one step at a time or an hour at a time, maybe that way it won’t feel like such a mountain. Focus on something you know will happen at the end of it, so in (detail removed by Moderator) hours time I’ll be sat here with a cup of tea or whatever and it will all be over. Sorry if not much help, feel for you and hope you can make it through the day xxxx

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Hi lovely, I too am very recently out and find no contact definitely helps me feel stronger. As soon as I hear from him my resolve weakens and I feel sorry for him, and then the same abuse starts within seconds. I too am blamed for what has happened, it’s all my fault, if I’d just done as I was told, if I hadn’t goaded him etc etc. They are delusional. It is like a roller coaster of emotions. I have days where I feel almost euphoric and dance round the kitchen with the music up just because I can now. Then I have other days where I am very low and feel bad about the what ifs and what could have been. We will get there hun. Be strong my lovely, time and no contact definitely make it so much easier. good luck and keep posting xxxx

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Well done for coming back and posting again my lovely. I too can resonate with lots of this. I used to have ‘pay’ if I went out with my friends etc. In the end it wasn’t worth the aggravation it caused.(detail removed by Moderator) It so hard. I also am a very smiley, happy, positive person when not near him. They jut suck the life out of you eventually. I too craved peace, which I can say I have now he’s gone. I am very recently free so am just taking tentative steps to building my life back up, but I can assure you now there is more peace than not. There is no fear to go home. I found it hard to ring WA too, in the end I left a message and asked to be phoned back in my lunch break and just went for a walk and found a bench near by to take the call and write stuff down. I did this a few times. You say you do go for walks perhaps this would be a good time?

Keep going ym lovely we’re all here for you xxx

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