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Lovesick: The Marilyn Syndrome
Great book with lots of practical advice how to quit, meditation techniques etc. Sorry if already on the list.

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You need to gather information to understand your possibilities and get a plan prepared.

Contact landlord and explain the situation. If you’ll need to get all the checks done, this might be a problem as you don’t have sufficient income. Please do not go for joint tenancy!!! This would be a great mistake! he will use this to manipulate you and threaten!

Contact your local council. You can explain the situation, having domestic abuse as a major factor and tenancy running out, they may be able to offer you emergency accommodation. Alternatively, you may apply for council housing and they will allocate higher band to you. Please be prepared they will be resistant and will try to get rid of you, you need to push! Just hang up and phone again until ou get the right person on the line.

Contact your local women’s support group. Google and check your councils webpage. They got increased budget funding now to support domestic abuse victims, many got their local phone lines set up as national are too busy at the moment. Ask for advice. You can get legal advice on the option you have which is helpful.
Your local council will be able to provide you with the information about private landlords letting their properties via council schemes, i.e. they’d accept housing benefits. Ask for this as well.

Start this preparation work to be ready to the next step! You’ll be feeling more confident now!

Your priority is to stay safe. Ideally would be to move to your mum and search for alternative accommodation while being in safety. I understand you don’t feel he may be dangerous, but it always escalates, always! As soon as he will understand you are serious, he will start trying different ways to keep you, and some of them may be very dangerous!
Mine never was physical, but I ended up by reporting him to the police and being scared to sleep in the same house with him. I wish I had my mum or any other relative to move to.

Please be careful! xx

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Hi Mumofone17,

Thank you!
I am actually out for quite a long period of time and rebuilt my life fully.

You’ve left him twice – these are the steps! The true is that you will quit anyway. You are here, which means you understand you have to do this. And you will do! Just takes time!

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KIP is absolutely right!

You need to educate yourself to understand the reasons and to get answers.
This makes everything so much clearer and easier to cope with!

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Hi Wishbone,

You are not alone in your situation! There wouldn’t be so much abuse if it wouldn’t be like that.

Reading and educating yourself helps a lot. I’ve stopped being emotionally dependant on him after I understood the reasons I had all these feelings (same as yours), and this was all about me really.
It’s about not loving yourself and having empty hole inside which you are trying to fill with these emotions.

And it’s not love. Addiction, emotions, fear … anything, but not love. Love is different, love doesn’t make us feel bad, it makes us feel good and loved and appreciated. But the main point is that you need to fill this hole inside with your own love first. To make yourself full again.

You have a great chance to build your own life now. You can create it from scratch and fill with the people you like seeing, with the things you like doing, hobbies, work, films, walks, sports, books, travel.. there are so many exciting things around you probably stopped noticing while being concentrating on him, not on yourself!

Ask yourself a question. What would make you happy? What dream you’ve had and what did you like to do when you’ve been young? Playing guitar? Having a dog? Or something you would never allow yourself to have while being with him?

It’s all about you now, this chapter is finally about you. Your own life and happiness. Please take responsibility, switch to the drivers seat and make yourself happy, no one else can do it!

xx

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It’s an addiction, same as a drug addiction. Drug addicted people understand that it’s bad for them but can’t stop anyway. Same here.
We are psychologically damaged and can’t stay objective.
We can’t see the difference between good and bad.
This all is the result of abuse and it takes time to recover, but it is possible.
There are always 2 participating – abuser & victim. The dance will end only when the victim will refuse to dance.
It’s very hard, I know, I gave up so many times… And each time, each single time after giving up, I’ve been regretting.
These are all emotions. They are loud but not objective. When we follow them, we regret often.
Try to listen to your intuition. It is quiet and objective. It is the voice of real you which tells you what you really need and what will be the best option for you.

And this is just a moment, this won’t last forever, you just need some time! Life changes, everything changes, and this addiction will become weaker with time (as any other addiction) and one day you won’t remember him at all.

xx

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Hi bringbacktheoldme

Yes sure, we all are different and have the right to have own opinion.

I’ve read enough books about abusers. This is not something you can repair.
They are perfectly aware of what they are doing. They are not even angry, they pretend they are to make the victim feel scared. They control themselves and know what they are doing.

Some counsellors are not educated enough to see the difference. I’ve sent email to mine when I split to my ex with my feedback. The problem is they are never taking someones side and try to stay neutral. Unfortunately domestic abuse is not where you can stay neutral. By staying neutral you leave it for the sides to sort the problems out, and we all know which side will win again via manipulative techniques they use perfectly.

I am not suggesting to go through trains and to be honest didn’t get your comment. I wrote this to show that this is just a MAN. They are many! They can come to your life and go away, but the only person you have to count with – is you. You have to think about yourself first! Your own happiness, your own life! Not sorting out your man’s psychological childhood problems.

There are a few nice books available to read about abusers. There is a theory, that it is pathology in their brain. They are not able to feel empathy. There is nothing what comes from the childhood. It affects their lifestyle though. If the family they grow in is unfortunate, they probably will end up in a prison or will be drug addicted etc. If the family is wealthy, thee likely to be good educated and get a well paid job and build a great career. Up to 7% of top managers are psychopaths. This is statistics.

I know what I am writing about.
And I respect the choice to try for 100th time to repair relationship or him, doesn’t matter.
I just know this won’t work. Sorry to disappoint.

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The real Red Line was when he first shouted at me. I remember this so good even it was many years ago, probably because i was shocked. He seemed nice and calm person, I fell in love with him, he looked so different from my ex.
And then he’s been shouting at me for at least an hour. I’ve been shocked, cried, but he didn’t care. I’ve done something wrong and he’s been punishing me. This is where I had to go away without questioning myself. This is where I had to trust my own feelings.
But I stayed. i thought, I’ll be more accurate next time and will learn from mistakes. I thought I really done something bad, because he is nice and calm and this is me who made him angry. I thought relationship is a work and it’s not always nice. And he was nice and kind again next day… So I stayed.

There have been hundreds of similar situations. And i crossed that line again and again without even noticing how I am breaking my own borders and losing my own personality.

And in the end… There wasn’t another Red Line which made me to quit. I’ve crossed all of them already. I just thought I will die if i stay. I’ve been feeling so bad… I started to read. My first intention (of course) was to read something to learn how to improve our relationship. But the book I bought had opposite effect and opened my eyes. Not opened really, but I started to doubt, maybe there is everything ok with me? And I just started to read about this, about abuse, educated myself. And started my long journey.

So my answer is – don’t wait for the Red Line. You’ve crossed all of them many years ago. You are master in crossing them.
There won’t be any miracle which will make you brave enough to quit. You need to do it yourself. You need to take responsibility for your own life and to make this decision. Be adult. It’s extremely hard, but possible.

xx

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Sorry ladies, I do not agree…

We’ve been trying counselling and the only thing I can say, I’ve spent another (detail removed by moderator) in abusive relationship due to this.
It’s his s**t, not yours!
You don’t have to help him, sort out his problems, and change his behaviour.
The way he behaves – is his choice, whatever reasons he has.
We all have our problems in childhood, mine wasn’t perfect at all, but it doesn’t mean I am abusing anyone!
It’s not your job! Please stop!

I’ve been feeling guilty and thought i haven’t done enough, I understand completely. But now, (detail removed by moderator) after i am free, I understand that it was him who made me feel as the same abuser! I am kind, smiling, happy person without him. I don’t cry, don’t shout at the kids (well, very rarely :)), have lots of friends and people around who love me and adore me!

There is everything fine about you! You are perfect! You just can’t change anyone by your love, whatever you do, they don’t change and you don’t have to spend your life on it!

Just go away. There will be lots of men, they are like trains, missed one – will come the next one. And some of them are really nice, and when you meet that sort of person, you can see the difference so clearly, that you regret you’ve been spending your life on something which wasn’t worth it at all!

This is me now screaming to me then, sorry if sounds rude 🙂

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Hi Soulsearcher18

I understand you.
We are expecting the system to help us – as this is what they promote.
But the reality is that the purpose of the system is different. The purpose in many cases is just to serve the system itself.

I’ve been in the situation which is called “a gap”, where due to my circumstances I couldn’t get ANY help apart from numerous advice of available options (very useful, thanks). Ended up sorting everything out on my own when realised that actually they don’t care.

Now I work in the system. Not abuse related, but very similar area. And now I can see this so clear I am often scared.

They care but only within their job roles.
They think about you, but only within their job roles.
They spend budget money, but they are not thinking about real people with their lives, but only about possible scenarios and action flows.
Some people are amazing and go far from their responsibilities. They are not may though.

The good concept would be not to rely on the system, but just use some tools it offer. You should rely on yourself only. This is the only way to have your life under control and to sort everything out.

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I split to my ex with no job at all and 3 little children.
I thought there is no exit and no solution for me.
I’ve been thinking it’s easier to die.
And he also was so nice often, just a perfect man, which dropped me in doubts so many times… But it’s just a part of his game. And it always will be like this.
I have just started to do small steps. Very small steps, but in the right direction. It took almost two years for me, but i survived.

I’ve read recently about one experiment explaining why so many women got trapped into abusive relationship while it’s so obvious for everyone else that you have to leave immediately.

In short words, if you put a frog into a hot water – it will immediately jump out.
But if you put the same frog into the cold water and heat it up slowly, it will stay there and die.

This is exactly what’s happening with us.
It was nice in the beginning. And it’s getting worse so slow that we are not able to notice the difference.
But there are just 2 options available – jump out or to die.

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Hi Fairylady,

You are so strong by fighting and trying to sort everything out!

It looks complicated when you are in, I remember, I think its all just because we are so kind and responsible women trying to make everyone happy. Everyone, except ourselves, which is a huge mistake.

I am not sure f this is something you are wishing to hear, but you should think about yourself first. You are the most important person in your life, everyone else – just surround you. Please try to do everything only in your own interests, not his or your family. Because from your message I understood you are worried about making them happy more than about yourself being unhappy.

It’s so hard, I know, but it’s possible! Please just try to see your own value first and fulfil your own wishes, and then it will be easier to see where you have to move on.
xx

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Hi Mumofone17,

I feel sorry for you, it’s so hard when instead of getting support from your partner you have to sort out his life!

From my own experience, it is not possible to change someone by all your love, patience and trying hard. Whatever you do, you will always be the reason and he will always find excuses.

You know the answer. You need to think about yourself and your son. Your partner is not our son, he is an adult and has to be responsible for his own life and his family’s happiness. If his is not able to, he’s just a wrong man and it’s impossible to change anything, trust me.

Please think about yourself and your little boy! these are the most important things in your life!
It’s hard, but you need to take responsibility and t make right decisions in the best interests of both of you.

Please stay strong, I’m sure you’ll get lots of support here!

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Hi Dragon,

They are perfect actors and play their roles with just one purpose – not to allow you to quit.
If you are feeling uncomfortable, you have the full right to feel uncomfortable. Same as to talk about your feelings.
His reaction to this just proving whatever he is saying, it’s still part of the game and manipulative techniques he uses.
It will be hard to leave.
It always escalates as if something doesn’t work, they go further and try new ways to hold you tighter.
But there is no other way. It will never be nice, calm and happy with him. Never.

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Thank you so much ladies!

A very important thing I understood.

We are not coming here for advice. We are here because we already know the answer. Otherwise we wouldn’t.
We just need some support and help to move forward.

But the first step is to trust yourself, your feelings, your intuition – which is extremely hard to do in the circumstances we are, with all the fear making the biggest part of our life.

The answer was always there. Since the first time he shouted at me. It’s just about being brave enough to face it.

xx

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Thank you, ladies!!

It’s a great place here and I got lots of support and motivation at this forum.

I’m scared to read this topic again though, so probably I won’t! 😀

Time goes fast and it took a while to rebuilt my self-confidence and to learn how to love myself. I am still learning, but enjoying the process!

We are braver, than we believe!
We are stronger, that we seem!
We are smarter, than we think!
And we are loved more than we know!

xx

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Hi,

I just thought I need to revisit this topic.

My life is just perfect and i am totally happy.
I’ve remortgaged on my sole name and paid him to get his name off. This was stressful with lots of threats and manipulation, but finally I am free and safe.
He sees his kids when he wants to, but i don’t care if he doesn’t.
I work and make carrier.
I’ve been dating different men and been able to stop when i didn’t like their attitude. At the moment I’m seeing a very nice man and having a very calm and relaxed time with him still able to manage my own independence and not falling into him fully, which is exactly what I need.

It was a great experience for me which changed me significantly. All of this – relationship, finding myself stuck and getting out, receiving support and recovering. It’s a great lesson for me. And probably this was needed to get me where I am now. In my own happy world I’ve built myself.

I just wish everyone on here is in their own happy place some day doesn’t matter how long would it take.
It is absolutely worth trying hard to get out and to fight for your happiness.
And it is worth asking for help and getting help.

Sending my love!

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The same is for me 🙂
I always could buy good things for him and the kids, and never for myself.
I felt guilty and unworthy to have full-priced items bought for myself. I always knew he will tell I spend too much.
It is still very difficult, because I do not know what exactly do I want. It’s hard to understand my own wishes now, because I wasn’t allowed to have my own wishes for years. It’s a long process.

My bestie was visiting me recently, and one of my pets torn her T’shirt while we didn’t see. My heart just stopped expecting catastrophic consequences, but she just started to laugh, we both started to laugh. I understood then that even after all these months of freedom I am still traumatised. I don’t know how much time I need, we all need, but we have to learn to be ourselves again.

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The are never angry, they can control themselves perfectly. They are abusing us to keep under control and to make us feel scared. This is what they need. It’s a game for them, pushing our buttons to get the reaction they need. Fear makes us weak.
It takes time to understand your own reactions and to change them, but you should try 🙂

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I made this mistake. Went on holidays.

First, he started to manipulate 2 weeks before, told he won’t go and won’t give the money to me to go.
Then he changed his mind and promised he will behave nicely on a sake of the kids.

So naive I was to believe.. This was the last time I’ve believed him though.

This was horrible. 2 weeks of stress, tears and abuse. My biggest mistake ever. This didn’t look possible to cancel, but looking back now I understand I had to cancel. Even kids would be upset.

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Mine also threatened a lot – to take the kids, to take the house, to report me to social services.
And what I got now? Live in the house, he doesn’t need the kids at all.
What they are saying.. Threatens are used to keep us in fear, this is how they control us.
For me, I’ve just passed the point I could go on. I accepted I will lose everything, this was about saving my life.
I found out he is not so brave, and can do nothing otherwise than threaten me. He lost interest on me and found another victim very quickly when realized I have nothing to lose. I was scared, a lot! This took a lot of strengh from my side, but I did it!
Step by step, if you started your way, you’ll be there, just a question of time!
xx

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HopeLifeJoy

Thank you!

You are right, the main thing is that I am not addicted to him emotionally. This happened actually many months before we split.

I spoke to mediator today. Nice lady, I didn’t have to explain a lot, it was enough to tell her that he doesn’t see or call his children for months.

She told that 2 meetings will be enough.

But now, his mum wrote a message that he is not going to mediate at all 🙂 He will never change, doing everything to show me he is ruling here. Funny, as this works good for me, I will get a letter confirming that I’ve tried and he rejected. Which will be used in the court later.

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Since I started to work, I am not eligible for Legal Aid anymore. (detail removed by Moderator) but I’ve got very good legal advice. I have a plan and know what I am doing 🙂
I don’t have to see him during mediation.
I want to secure myself and to get him out of the mortgage (and land register of course). Otherwise he has right to come back any moment.
He has a new victim behind. He doesn’t need me anymore, and he knows that I am not under his control anymore. As his mum told me, he wasn’t expecting that I will plan everything behind his back.

Anyway, I will stop mediation if I will feel uncomfortable. But I will have a letter (detail removed by Moderator) that I’ve tried.

Thank you for your nice words! x x

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Hi everyone,

Just thought I must leave it here.

I WON.

He left and found another woman.
He started to pay Child Maintenance as CMS pushed him. He still owes me the money but I am sure I will get them back.

He never came or called after he left, even on his son’s Birthday.

I work full time, pay childminder, my mum comes to help me time by time. But even without her – I am coping perfect.

I don’t feel lonely or broken. I am happy and still enjoying all the things I couldn’t enjoy with him.

I don’t drink alcohol, go to gym and sleep much better now.

I don’t miss him at all, don’t want to see him and don’t talk to his mum anymore as she was not respectful towards me. I don’t have people i don’t like in my life anymore.

My kids are fine. They didn’t ask often about their daddy as nothing almost changed in their lives since he left. He never participated and they haven’t noticed his absence. They miss him and ask about him, but not so often as I thought they will.

I still have to recover fully. To allow myself to do things I wouldn’t be allowed to do with him. This is the biggest challenge. To buy what I want, but not what is cheaper. To have a rest and have lazy days. Some simple things, but hard for me.

2018 was very hard for me, but I did it. It took a year for me to separate from him emotionally. And a few months of constant stress to separate physically.

I will start mediation next week. A few sessions to understand if it worth. I am going to offer him some sum to transfer his mortgage share on my name. But I am not worried and I am not scared. I won. I am stronger than him, more clever and i have no mercy left to him at all. He lost his power on me.

Thank you all for your support and help.
I wish every girl here will be able to write such a message.
xx

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I have these dreams too, almost every night. My 1st husband, and my 2nd, and my dad. I can’t separate them even.
He came back and told he will be living with us again.
I am fighting with him, shouting at him.
Or shouting at hus friends who think this all was my fault.
I cannot fall asleep till midnight and wake up early.
I’ve swapped the rooms with the kids, bought new bedding, redecorating the house.
Since he left I had no contact from him at all, and this scares me.
He doesn’t pay child maintenance, he doesn’t want to see his children, he doesn’t collect his remaining belongings.
I am trying to concentrate on my own life, but this all makes a lote of stress for me.
I feel like he is still controlling me by this ignorance.

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Thank you, KIP!
He has left his key, no need to change the lock. And he has the right to enter the house.
My main battle again is finances, as I still get nothing, and my first salary will be in 3 weeks.
I think he will do like my 1st husband – just forgot about us and started a new life. I really hope he will do this too.

My date was more for going out and meeting people, not about relationship.
And after I split to my 1st husband (abusive too) I was so scared, I didn’t have any relationship for a several years. And then met him, who was much worse than my first.
I will be very careful, and I know that my kids need me.

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He came yesterday and packed his belongings.
Told he won’t pay child maintenance and mortgage.
Told I’ll not be able to pay for everything and will sell the house.
Told, he won’t see the kids, they are only mine now, not his anymore. He told our daughter he will never come back and never will see her again.
He went away and left the key.
I never could imagine how happy I’ll be when he leaves.
Have my first day at my new job and probably a date in the evening ) Haven’t been on dates for more than decade, just want to try )

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Apricotpoppy
Thank you!
He will come back, he left all his belongings here. He just found some girl and invited her for the weekend to a neighbour country. Same town, same hotel, same sightseeing which I’ve found and planned for us, and were we’ve been twice before. No imagination at all.
As I heard, he is going to his home country straight away after he comes back from this romantic trip. I don’t know for how long, probably a couple of weeks. He didn’t have sex for more than a months, that’s why he is doing all this.

My mother in law wrote me for the first time since everything started. She is not a bad woman, and to be honest, I even feel sorry for her. He is often very cruel to her and makes her to cry. And i can divorce him, but she will have him in her life forever. So she wrote me a lot of bad words, I just understood what he is telling her – is a castle of lies. He tells her, I don’t feed the children, I don’t want him to be in their lives, I play “dirty”, he cannot agree with me, I am involving children etc etc. Classic tactics which is well known to me – blame me for everything HE does actually. He is very, very predictable to me now.

Twisted Sister
Thank you!
These all are HIS words about me, this is what I was listening from him for years! He was telling me I’ll never find a good job here, I am worthless, I can work as a cleaner only, nobody needs me, my English is awful etc etc.
My biggest success is that for almost a decade spent at home with my children, I was working! Self employed, buying, selling, some projects, websites, done some courses… He was very unhappy always, but I didn’t listen to him. This was what helped me to survive, not to loose myself fully. This helped me to find the job too.
I have Masters degree, before I came to UK I’ve done quite a successful career in my country, but he almost destroyed my personality.
I understand now how it was good for him – free childminder for 3 kids, cleaner, cooker, painter, decorator, bookkeeper, solicitor, sex-slave. Just for the food, the roof over my head and some birthday presents. And I was working all these years, not too big income, but anyway. Of course he didn’t want me to work full time!
He just used me. Painful to realise, but there was no love from his side. Never. Just mercantile interest.

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Anonon
You are not able to change him – whatever you do. This is not in your power, even you will try very very hard. He will NEVER changr. Never. Everything will become worse and worse.

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lover of no contact
Thank you!
You are absolutely right!
We don’t spend a lot, and I’ll try to make a reserve for us.
I also will pay only absolutely necessary bills. Energy bill is on his name only, i won’t pay it.
I will wait until the day of the mortgage payment, late evening, and will pay only if there is no payment from his side.

I feel very bad today as he went on holidays with his new girlfriend. It took him less than a month to find her. I understand that everything is over, but I still feel bad now. I remember I had the same with my 1st husband, we split and in a few months he found another woman, and i was feeling very bad too.
This is like a funeral. I just need to cry a little leaving him in my past.
He wasn’t nice, our relationship was awful, but we were together anyway. I had a kind of support. And I became alone now. This is just a period of time, I understand, but I need to pass it.

I also met another solicitor, much more confident, I liked her a lot. She doesn’t work under legal Aid unfortunately, and I can’t afford to pay her, but she gave me 1 h of free advice.
She recommended to think about the option to stay in the house. She told me this would be better solution for me since I have a job and can pay the bills. My mortgage amount to pay is less than a rent I would pay for another house. And I won’t be eligible for any benefits after the house is sold, I will spend the amount I get very quickly, and will have nothing left then.
She told me there are some ways to transfer his part of mortgage on me with a time.
I have to think about this all and to decide – what would be better for me.

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