Tobfree

[Tobfree]

cool sweet ladies sorry im late arriving better late than not at all
thanks for the yummy cocktails
xxxxxxxxxxx

[Tobfree]

hi ladies
sounds like a fantastic party it will be such a laugh with us all
so many lovely kind hearted strong lovely ladies on here xxxxx
it feels like home at the cottage home baked foods and lovely drinks and lots of laughter and good company
im hopeless at baking lol so i will bring lots of party nibbles and crisps etc
so what music shall we listen too or shall we have a few mixed tapes with every bodies fav songs on so we all get to listen to each others fav songs as well as our own .
we could dance the night away lol maybe we should have a karaokie machine so we can take turns at siging or reciting poetry we wrote ,as i cant sing i sound like a cat in pain lol lol .
what else shall we do ladies
and one day im sure we will do this for real and meet up with each other xxxxx
i also imagine a real sactuary cottage for a hoslistic healing retreat is possible for us ladies after all we are amazing incredible ladies so talented so incredible nothing is inpossible

[Tobfree]

hi ladies
sounds like a fantastic party it will be such a laugh with us all
so many lovely kind hearted strong lovely ladies on here xxxxx
it feels like home at the cottage home baked foods and lovely drinks and lots of laughter and good company
im hopeless at baking lol so i will bring lots of party nibbles and crisps etc
so what music shall we listen too or shall we have a few mixed tapes with every bodies fav songs on so we all get to listen to each others fav songs as well as our own .
we could dance the night away lol maybe we should have a karaokie machine so we can take turns at siging or reciting poetry we wrote ,as i cant sing i sound like a cat in pain lol lol .
what else shall we do ladies
and one day im sure we will do this for real and meet up with each other xxxxx
i also imagine a real sactuary cottage for a hoslistic healing retreat is possible for us ladies after all we are amazing incredible ladies so talented so incredible nothing is inpossible

[Tobfree]

yes who would of known i would find a wounderful friend and soul sister on here i feel so lucky xxxxxxx
And this forum is so important in helping support others too xxxxxxx to find friends get advise get help feel cared about and vauled and important .
i think the ladies on here that are posting on here are amazing and brave and i think the ladies who are supporting others on here are doing an amazing job .xxxxxx
we are stronger together and knowledge is power and we are slowly but surely bit by bit becoming who we are and taking our power back
xxxxxxxxxx

[Tobfree]

thank you so much to every ones kind supportive insighful powerful words of so much truth
its just what i need to hear
rather than his lies and twisted mind games of blame guilt fear gas lighting coersion and manipulation
the more lovely ladies say words of truth and reinforce im not to blame the more this becomes the truth instead of his lies his excuses of abusive behaviors towards me causing my health to decline
yes baby steps and leave bit by bit step by step in ways hes not aware of because any standing up to him or him realising im trying to leave resulted in having him being more abusive to me so i didnt know which way to turn
exhusted drained confused mind games are the worst ever

[Tobfree]

Thanks kip for your advise i have a link to womans aid chats i will go on today
He doesnt live with me so thats good yet the mental and emotional and psychologically abuse is so bad its torture and exhausting draining yet at least i can spot it now n know its nothing to do with me and everything to do with him hes a true jekyl and hyde
Yes they love to isolate us from our familys he constantly critizes my family and my invovlvent with them yet then can be seemingly supportive about my relationship with them
And when hes with me i can only see family on his terms and im not allowed to phone them and when i do he punishes me with silent treatment n with holding intermicy etc which is what he does when he thinks ive done something to upset him etc he plays the victim
And the cov 19 is their perfect time to bully us choerse us abuse us as we more vunerable as we cant go see our family or friends

[Tobfree]

I to was manipulated guilt tripped onto this kind of abuse too
my then husband even took me to the persons house of who he wanted to have sex with and she and he tried to talk me into having sex with her husband i wouldnt do it
So my husband invited this woman to our house and had sex with her on many occassions in our house in our bed
I felt so confused as he said he still loved me yet we could have sex with how we wanted
His relationship with this married woman carried on
And drove me too see other men
Then my husband met another woman and again guilt tripped me manipulated me into believing its the norm and he still loved me
Then he left me and his child for this other woman and divorced me and married her
Guess him divorcing me and leaving was a blessing in diaguise
As i was free of him yet from such bad abuse i went from abusive partner to abusive partner
Ive been through womans aid refuges and support programmes many times
My children are all adults now and Im still trying to get my life back on track
Just got to belive in our selfs and grow in confidence

[Tobfree]

Thanks for support

Hes playing mr nice guy now and mr supportive
Yet i know this to is an act now
To just get what he wants and to try n have control over me
To fool me love bomb me
All part of trauma bonding

Im just playing along with him partly because im to exhausted to fight with him mentally or emotionally

And i am also just playing along to booster his ego and still plan my escape
And i am trying to protect myself too

Feel really low sometimes
N other times feel really depressed and other times i feel more me more positive and strong because i am on to him and trying to take one day at a time

[Tobfree]

Thanks for your replies ladies

Im still getting out bit by bit even though i have made the decision to leave escape im doing it very carefully

By first making sure i have support in all the areas i need support in from family friends in stead of him
And im keeping my self busy

Theres so many more ways of healing giving ur brain the love hit it needs

Then the cycle of trauma bonding gets broke bit by bit

Its not easy no matter how much we spend time with friends n family

Yet to me im not going to get sucked in again
Cos the man i fell in love with never existed it was just an act n love bombing

He pained an illusion out of lies and deception and his own selfish wants

Maybe real love in a man exists maybe one day i will have the loving partner i deserve

And until then im getting out very carefully

As the more they realise u are trying to take back control the worse abuse gets thrown at u n done to u

The blame the guilt trips the gas lighting the vindictiveness the pure nasty abuse that leaves us feeling like we been hit with a train a thousand mile an hour
Stay safe ladies keep posting so we can support one another xxxx

[Tobfree]

Thanks for ur advise and support
Its not easy as every time i stand up to him he mentally and emotionally attacks me and uses guilt trips and blame all on me and he gas lights n projects on to me too

Its traumatic devastating confusing scary being hit hard with words as weapons and mind games

Thought i could rise above this abuse grow more confident etc
Yet he attacks me when i try

[Tobfree]

Thanks honey
Its just so hard when he swings between mr nice guy loving supportive to mr nasty cruel vindictive
And plays the victim and he is so manipulative
I don’t always catch on to what ge is doing

Yet i am getting better at spotting all this abuse
and trying to protect myself best i can
whilst trying to get out of this mess with out him spotting thats what I an doing

yet each time he does spot me trying to rebuild my confidence etc he smashes it with the mind games n fear tactics

And so i give in to not be attacked emotionally psychologically

Then try to get out again in different ways
Its so hard and tiring i just got to keep going forward best i can every day

[Tobfree]

Hi love
No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed you have been through traumatic abuse which can deplete our bodies physically emotionally and mentally
And you have had illness with kids to deal with which is all exhausting in its self
And im sorry to hear about your mum
you are sounding exhausted overwhelmed as well as you being physically ill

Have you contacted woman’s aid they will help with support advise
and there is other woman who go to woman’s aid for support and do programmes like the freedom programme that can totally relate to how you are feeling and with what you have been through and what you are going through
I got such huge support via woman’s aid and i made such good life long friends too

Is there a woman’s aid near you is there any friends near by to you
Is there any one you can turn to for support
Everything is more bareable with support love and hugs
Try and get as much rest as you can and eat and look after yourself

I don’t think you are being dramatic you are traumatised and overwhelmed and naturally so

i was feeling like this when i got out of the traumatic abuse and i felt like a zombie as my head was a mess and i was just going through the motions seeing to the kids

I barely slept and lost lots of weight i went down to six stone and the neg thoughts and flashbacks got so severe i felt so ill i couldn’t function properly
So i went n told my dr and they was fantastic they totally understood why i was feeling like i was
and they had spotted i was starting with depression and they put me on medication and once that helped me stabilise my moods neg thinking anxiety’s etc this helped me eat a bit better

The dr also put me on some build up drinks which helped me feel stronger and put the vitamins etc back in my body
Trauma can effect us in many many ways as can abuse
And i found that getting support from my gp and from my adult family members and woman’s aid supported me through a very hard time

You are not alone on this forum and i am sure the lovely ladies on here will give u much support love and advise

[Tobfree]

Hi ladies
This is dreadful i thought the aptsolute carnage and victim blaming i went through because my abusive ex manipulated and gas lighted the services and even the courts was just my bad luck

This is dreadful it is still happening
He too went after the kid and i was victim blamed too
And bullied by the very services that should of been protecting me and my son and i got pulled back into his lies and abuse cos i thought if services etc believe him maybe he has changed
So i got caught up in all the abuse again

I did get out of it all and rebuilt a life for me n my son
yet he used everything to try and get his son back
So he could use him to hurt me
So i documented everything every mess up he did as they may be clever but their mask does slip
And finally he slipped up and he couldn’t lie or bluff his way out of it
He told me he had had counselling through the courts and he was deemed no risk to be-around this
Was a big fat lie and he then once this was exposed to scared to go back to court over custody of my son cos he know once this lie was made known to the courts all his other lies would be uncovered he backed off and was only allowed to write to my son

And this soon fizzled out as he was only trying to get my son off me to hurt me and once he had no power he was not allowed to ring me or contact me and he was to scared to go back to court he dropped my son like a hot potato

Womans aid have a legal help line where u can get free legal advise from trained woman’s aid solicitors
And woman’s aid can help you expose these abusers
And help support you and your child to makes the best case possible against these lowlife abusers

More education about abusers and the many different kinds of abuse and how it affects the child and mother is needed to be educated into all the service
I know some services train with woman’s aid

Yet it should be made part of the services training in all services across the country and world as part of their training

Then they too are educated about just how manipulative and gas lighting and devious and damaging these low life abusers are not just to their victims but to all services involved
As services who are untrained in this abuse are falling for all their lies and gaslighting etc and victim blaming

Please get in touch with woman’s aid ladies if u have not all ready

I even got in touch with my local Mp about all this victim blaming and how all the services was being fooled by him and presented all the evidence i had to prove this was happening

yet I didn’t take it any further when my ex abuser backed down and tried to cover his tracks as i had got him scared as his lies was being exposed

Now i see it was not just my bad luck but sadly that this is happening over and over again this is terrible and needs to be stopped

I would like to ask all ladies going through this victim blaming which is because of services not being educated in just how manipulating and devious etc these abusers are

If they would contact woman’s aid for the huge support and help and advise they give u and your children

And if you would also at a later date once you have saved your self and your kid from these low life abusers best you can

If you would ask woman’s aid about highlighting all this to parliament
In how the victim blaming and how these abusers are not only abusing the victims and using their children as a way in to hurt the victims and try to control them

These abusers are also abusing the system fooling the services with their gas lighting and manipulation again and again and again

So if woman’s aid can draw parliaments attention to this huge loop hole in the law where abusers are using the laws even the fathers act to abuse the victims through the child and how these abusers are making fools of the services making them believe the victim is a liar or a bad person

Then parliament will be educated too thus highlighting to parliament
This needs to be stopped by
making sure all services dealing with victims of abuse get educated via woman’s aid as a legal law to stop all this victim blaming to stop all this abuse forever

[Tobfree]

Thanks for sharing and your advice ladies
Its so very hard he can be so cruel and cold the punishments silent treatment then taking no responsibility for his actions at all
Or rarely when he says sorry he still blames me

Yet he can also be so kind and loving too

So he swings from mr nice to mr nasty

Yet the intent is mostly there to have control

And it can be so hard to spot as it can be so subtle the coercion and it can even be disguised in jokes etc

[Tobfree]

thanks for all replys ladies xxx
it helps me feel less alone less isolated and will plan out support around me to help me grown strong enough to leave,its lonely and isolating enough with being abused and now with the covid pandemic the abusers use this to abuse us isolate us even more im understanding how he guilt trips me punishes me blames me never takes responsibility for his own actions is not my fault its abuse.

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