Doglover99

[Doglover99]

“Honest, open, reliable, trustworthy, kind” – those are exactly the qualities I would like in a man if I ever meet anyone.

It’s been a few months now since I’ve been out and in the beginning I was totally against wanting to meet anyone. Now, some time has passed, I am happy and peaceful, and I am starting to think that maybe I might one day want someone again. I won’t go looking for anyone, if I meet someone that is right, great. If not, then I’m happy on my own too. Last time I was single, years ago, I was desperate to fill the gap and to find my happy ever after and went on endless dates through a dating website. Then I met my abuser and, well, you all know how that ended. This time, I have learned to be by myself and am quite happy that way. I’ve made lots of new friends, have my own social life again, I’m doing some worthwhile things in my spare time and I am happy. Through counselling, I have learned to like myself again, to be confident and to be more assertive. If I meet someone, I hope I can spot the signs of a possible abuser and will be able to walk away. But, on the other hand, it is quite exciting to think that maybe, one day, when the time is right, I just might meet someone who is kind and will treat me with respect.

Even after everything, I remain a romantic and I believe that if I am meant to meet someone new, then one day I will. In the meantime, I live my life when way I want without anyone else dictating what I should or shouldn’t do. Life is great after abuse, it really is. All I see is opportunity ahead.

[Doglover99]

That is spot on. That is how I’ve been feeling lately now that I’m out of the relationship and have had plenty of counselling both individual and in a group. It’s a few months on now and I’m only now starting to feel like my old self again. When I keep thinking of how I behaved with him in order to protect myself and my son from his temper and fury, I am almost ashamed of myself. How did a strong independent woman like me become a shadow of herself, a weak little muppet, who didn’t have a voice any more? I never argued with him, I let him behave in a very bad way without any consequences for him. He was the lord of the manor and he could behave any way he wished at the cost of our wellbeing.

I still catch myself with random thoughts of things he did and said to me. Only yesterday I remembered an incident and I thought “how could you do that to your WIFE!?” Which then made me remember other incidents. Thank God we got out! When I think of him I feel numb. I don’t miss him one little bit and I am getting more and more excited about my future. It’s all up to me now how I want to live my life. I am a strong, capable woman full of kindness and I am starting to feel happy again. I now realise that I need to be happy with myself in order to have a happy life. I lived for someone else, became someone else’s property and all the happiness and joy was sucked out of me due to the way he treated us. Never again. I may date one day again but never will I lose my spirit and independence again. I won’t change for another person again. If they don’t like what they see, they don’t deserve me.

Ladies, if you are not out of your situation yet, I hope you soon will be and you will learn to live your own lives again. It is so good to be out and only then you realise just how bad it was. Happy days from now on. 🙂

[Doglover99]

Hi and thanks for your replies. M.U.M., sorry I didn’t get your message because I haven’t logged on in a while. I feel that I am now so much stronger and ready to (maybe) start giving some advice to others on here.

The CAB advice was to wait until the divorce papers arrive and then get a solicitor. She said I would be entitled to legal aid because the health and social professionals have been involved and I can get a letter from several of them. It should be fairly straight forward unless he starts demanding money from me. His family did pay for some of my car repairs years ago for instance but they offered, I didn’t ask, and it’s such a long time ago, I’m sure the courts will laugh if he tries that. Anyway, let’s wait and see what he “wants”. I thought it might be useful also to properly write down all the incidents over the years. I wrote them all down in my journal last year and it’s pages and pages of detailed incidents with dates. If he turns difficult, I can maybe refer to that. It’s not too late to get the police involved although I don’t really want to.

As to money, I have managed to scrape by but each month it gets a little worse. My mum has sent me some to help me but she’s living on her pension so she can’t help much. To top it all, my car failed the MOT and I was desperate so I went to see Mr Bank Manager and managed to sort something out for the time being with them. At least the pressure if off for a little while but I do need to urgently find a second income. It’s difficult though because I can’t take a second job because I would lose my benefits. Oh how difficult it is to be poor! I may start looking for a new job but I need to earn x amount for it to be worth it because I will lose all the benefits. Not easy to find such a job locally.

M.U.M. my advice with regards to your daughter is that if she’s working, she should pay something towards her keep. That is definitely what I’m going to do when my son goes to work. Like you say, it all helps.

I seem to have this steely determination inside now. Rather than panic when faced with problems, I take a deep breath and tell myself to find a solution. Take it one step at a time and so far I have sorted everything thrown my way. I am definitely a more positive person as a result of everything. Everything seemed so doom and gloom last year but now everything looks bright. Only positive things ahead for me now and whatever I decide to do, it is MY choice now. I really couldn’t be happier. I am quite happy being on my own, I am getting out and about every week. I am seeing my friends more often and aim to make new friends too. An interesting things I have also discovered, I can talk to strangers now where I used to be so shy that I wouldn’t know how to do “chit chat”. Now I find myself chatting to taxi drivers, bar people, car mechanics, bank and shop staff without problems. Strange that. Maybe it’s my newly found confidence and freedom.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

PS. I don’t know why half of this post is red underlined. Sorry.

[Doglover99]

Please please listen to the advice already given by others and DO NOT GO HOME. He is a very dangerous man and you need to stay away from him. Deep down you know it and you know that you’ve done the right thing even though it may not feel like it and you are scared. Him saying he’ll get help, he’ll change, he won’t do it again, they are all empty words of an abuser who is just trying to get away with it. He’s shocked that you have taken a stand against his hideous actions and spoken out. He is panicking and trying to scare you. Do not listen to him. Give your phone to your parents. If he keeps texting and calling, it’s all evidence for later but at least you won’t see his messages.

If he knows where you are, make sure you are not alone and that the person with you is ready to call the police if he does turn up. Don’t be scared, he can’t hurt you if there is someone else with you. And if he does, then the police will take him away because he has broken his bail conditions, again and again.

You were absolutely right to report him. Don’t ever doubt that. You may feel confused but it’s only because you are scared but the longer you stay no contact with him the stronger you will get and you will realise that there is a normal life out there waiting for you. You don’t have to suffer at the hands of such a monster. He belongs in prison. You have lots of people around you now to help and you should take all the help offered to you. They will protect you until the time that you are ready to start afresh on your own. When the time is right, you can go to a women’s refuge where you will be safe and you can get your strength back.

The most important thing though, you need to go no contact by any means possible so that he can’t get into your head. Take the time to heal and get stronger and talk to people who are there to help.

We are all thinking of you and sending you big hugs.

[Doglover99]

And it gets worse. A few hours after his last post, he’s posted over 20 photos of his “night out” with his woman. Unbelievable!! My family some of whom are friends on his facebook didn’t even know I’ve left because I didn’t want to make a bit fuss about it and make it awkward for him. I should have known. Funny comment my son made though when he saw the picture. He said quite casually: oh he’s downgraded then. That did make me laugh.

Then late last night, another post: he is officially in a “civil union”. The man has completely lost it! Now I can see this is clearly to prove a point to me. He hasn’t removed me from his account so he’s now showing off his “new fun single life”. Well, he’s welcome to it. All I want is what I am legally entitled to.

When I thought about it, I actually can’t wait to be divorced from him now. I kept looking at his photo and thought “you really do look evil”. He’s changed his looks in an effort to look younger but he still looks evil.

Funnily enough though, I had no feelings whatsoever towards him. I didn’t feel jealous (other than the fact he has money to spend) and as to the new woman, I was just curious to see what she looked like. He’s obviously not managed to pull a younger woman, this one looks older in fact.

Also, when I thought about it, it’s the same as it was with him and me. It all happened very quickly with us, he’s doing the same with this one. Literally within (detail removed by Moderator) weeks he has a new woman and another few weeks later it’s official. The next she will have moved in with him.

I am soooooo pleased I am out of it. I just need some legal advice about the divorce and how to fund it.

[Doglover99]

You’re in shock, please don’t even think about going home. Take the time to recover in hospital and ask to be given somewhere safe to go when you’re well enough. Glad you spoke to the police, it’s important you tell them what happened and how you are feeling, being scared of him. You sounded absolutely terrified of him and it’s just not right for anyone to be made to feel like that. Listen to the ladies here and don’t go home. It’s dangerous.

Maybe now is a time to speak to your family. I don’t know your background and why you haven’t spoken with them for a while but your family will be horrified at what you’ve gone through and I’m sure will help you in any way they can. Speak to the hospital staff, take any help offered to you now and stay away from him. They will be able to arrange a place at a women’s refuge for you where you can take your time recovering and getting stronger.

I really feel for you and hope that you recover from your physical injuries soon. The mental effects are going to take a lot longer to heal and you need to take your time to deal with it all.

Sending you big hugs.

[Doglover99]

Thanks for your replies. I do know this friend, I have made a point of meeting all his friends who he hangs out with and they all know me. This lad is a good person, he has just had a difficult start in life. I am disappointed in myself that I got so upset in front of my son, I need to stay strong. An interesting thing Confused123 said about crying, my son has not cried once since leaving, at least not that I know of. He is keeping the feelings bottled up at home. I don’t know how much he opens up with his friends. He is very close to some of his friends and they do have deep conversations but I don’t know whether he has let the feelings, other than anger, come out. It is important that he can let those feelings of sadness and helplessness out now. He does cry, he has come to me in the past when he has been really upset but I only now realised that he hasn’t cried since we left.

My son is not legally an adult yet which is why I worry about him. I want him to finish school somehow. I know he will regret not going to school one day but he can’t see it that way yet.

He had one hobby before but he’s not interested in doing that at the moment. Like I said, all he wants to do is hang out with his friends. Victim Support and Early Help both tried with him and would have given him a male person to talk to but he didn’t want the support so they’ve gone away for now. You are right in that he hasn’t had a single good male role model in his life. Even his own dad is useless. His uncle lives overseas but he doesn’t have kids so he doesn’t really know how to help.

All I can do is be here for him when he wants and needs me. He is starting to open up a little but all I seem to be getting out at the moment is the feeling of anger towards his stepdad. I have told him he should talk to someone properly about it all so that he can deal with his feelings and then let go and move on. I listen when he talks and try to make him see that I understand and want to help.

This is a tough time. I didn’t realise how hard dealing with all these feelings would be. It’s difficult enough dealing with my own feelings let alone my son’s. He is the one who has suffered most in all of this and I just hope that he will come out at the other end eventually.

Thank you for listening. It’s hard when you’re on your own with no family to support you. I just have to try and find a way through it all for both of us.

[Doglover99]

Hi Titanium. Your situation sounds just like mine was. I don’t know if you have children, I have a son (not my husband’s) and I didn’t realise we were being abused until my son couldn’t take any more and started self-harming and it all started coming out. I saw professionals and they told me we had to get out. Even after that, it took me about three months to accept that reality of our situation. I had been hoping that things would improve but when I realised they were never going to change, I knew we had no other option but to leave. With no money, friends or relatives nearby, we had to go on the council’s social housing list and it took us another 8 months to find somewhere.

I didn’t tell him anything for a whole year, that this was pure and simple domestic abuse. He could sense something was different because slowly I started standing up to him and he didn’t like it. That’s when he increased the abuse towards my son. My advice would be not to say anything to him. Start planning your move, get help from professionals before you do anything. My husband also used to keep saying how he loved me all the time, asking if I loved him. I told him what he wanted to hear but the physical side was very difficult. I didn’t want to go near him and I managed to avoid intimacy for a long time to the point where he started complaining about the lack of it.

I also read a lot about domestic abuse, about controlling people and that helped me understand.

Good luck and keep posting.

[Doglover99]

Hi Alone and believe me that you really are not alone. We are all here for you. I can’t advise you about your work situation but I would seriously consider contacting your old best friend and telling him what you went through, be honest with him and tell him how it really was for you. He sounds like a great friend to have and I’m sure he will understand. I know if I was in that position, being someone’s great friend, I would just be sad that they couldn’t tell me how bad things were but I would be delighted to re-establish that friendship. Talk to him. You have nothing to lose.

I think every single one of us here, due to our various life experiences, have a very low self-esteem. I have struggled with this ever since I was growing up due to my family situation with an alcoholic abusive father. Counselling didn’t really exist then, we just had to get on with it and try and forget. Now it’s come back to bite me with my more recent experience with my abuser husband. My counsellor gave me an information sheet about low self esteem and how it goes back to our core beliefs (e.g. what our parents teach/tell us, when our abusers repeatedly tell us we are bad/useless/no good/ugly etc.). We start to believe that and the trick is to train our brain to believe our good points, that we are worthy. When I read the information sheet about how a person with low self esteem behaves, it was like a light bulb going off. I was reading about myself. There wasn’t anything wrong with me, it was those early beliefs that moulded me to the person I am now, perhaps that it why my abuser found it easy to control me.

Google it if you have time. Don’t believe what your mother says about you, it is not true. She is the one with a problem there. I don’t quite understand why any mother would say such things to their own child but she is the one in the wrong. You are a good person who is trying to create a new life for yourself without the abuse. I don’t know your story but it is always good to be honest and tell people, to get out of the abusive situation. It is hard afterwards until we find our true self again (I haven’t done that yet) but from what I hear from all the ladies here who are further on that path, it is so well worth it.

Anyway, just remember you are not alone. We are all in the same boat one way or another and we are here to support you. Stay strong and big hugs.

[Doglover99]

Thank you everyone for your responses and your wisdom. I haven’t responded but it has ruined my day so far. I have been really down all day because of it. I mentioned it to my son and he told me to tell him to f..k off and leave us alone. He reminded me that he’s probably told everyone lies about us and that is true. No doubt his family, our neighbours, landlord and his friends have been told total lies about why I’ve left and more than likely he’s blaming my son for it all. He was already telling lies about him to his friends BEFORE we left.

I contacted my support worker whom I haven’t seen for a while and she’s coming over tomorrow to talk this through. I read a lot of stuff on the internet about the no contact rule as well and it all makes perfect sense.

He said he’s gone through the house and there are a few boxes of my stuff which he’s going to dump outside my work one morning. That would be good actually, to get the rest of my stuff back. I know I left some things behind I meant to take with me. I don’t care about the furniture, I don’t want any of it although half the profits would be nice but there is no way he would give me my half of anything. Not a chance. If anything, that will be his way of getting back at me. He knows I will struggle financially on my own.

I don’t want him anywhere near my car in case he does something to it or takes something vital. There may be some tools in the boot which I don’t even know about. He’s got enough tools, he won’t need those.

I realised what he must have done. My mobile phone bills have gone to the old address. He must have opened my bills and gone through the numbers I’ve called in the last month. That’s prob what he meant by knowing “what I’ve been up to”. There would have been calls to removal companies, my support worker, the council, estate agents… Oh well nothing I can do about that.

You are all so right. I need to not respond! If he’s contacted a solicitor, well that was only a matter of time. I can’t do anything at all about the dog. If he’s that cruel, then he’s just proved what he’s like. Funny how the apologies and begging didn’t last long. Still no word to ask how my son is.

I am worried about what he’s going to do when I don’t respond. He is so devious, he will come up with something. The finances are the thing that would hit me hardest because I am already struggling. I don’t want to be hit with something I’m not aware of or something he has cooked up. Not likely I will get my car’s service book back now and I need it to sell the car or even to get it serviced if it lasts that long.

Ok, it is what it is. He will do what he wants to do. I just need to deal with whatever comes next. Deep breath and keep on going. People I know have said I am a strong person. I now need to take some of that strength and stay positive.

PS. I do wish I could afford a holiday, now THAT would make me feel better. A girl can still dream. 🙂

[Doglover99]

Found an interesting article whilst googling “no contact”. I am determined not to respond.

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2014/09/01/why-is-no-contact-so-difficult/

[Doglover99]

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this all morning now. I had to dig out my counselling notes about being distressed and it helped a little but I am struggling today. I was fine until the email. He also said because I haven’t been in touch and arranged to talk, I don’t give a s..t about him and never loved him. How I wish it wasn’t true. All I wanted was to find my happy ever after when I met him but he’s the one who destroyed my dreams. But still I feel bad and upset today after reading his email.

Thinking about him saying he’s moving to the other side of the country, I can’t quite see how he could. He has SO MUCH STUFF, I mean really. Sheds full of stuff, garage full of stuff not to mention all his vehicles! And our caravan! Where is he going to go where he can take all that with him? As to the furniture, yes technically everything in the house is a joint asset since we are married and it was bought when we were married. The sofa he wants to get rid of is mine in any case because I’m still paying for it. I was being reasonable and only took one of them with me when I left, and left him the other one.

I’ve kept an eye on ebay to see if any of our things appear there and so far I haven’t seen anything. He changed his ebay id though straight away because I can’t find him in there. I also found out through my last phone bill that he’d changed the gas/electric provider [detail removed by moderator] so I wonder if all the things he said then, how he was completely ripped apart, was true. If I was feeling like that, the last thing on my mind would be changing utility companies. I would be completely useless not able to think straight.

I want to respond to each of his points. I realise myself that I most definitely was not using him (or anyone else before). I trusted him with everything, I changed my whole life around to be with him and I subconsciously changed myself to make our lives liveable with his anger and controlling ways. How is that using him! Seriously!! Is he saying that to hurt me or does he really believe that? Makes me wonder if he’s spoken to my ex-husband because it’s the kind of thing he would come up with.

I don’t know. I am so confused. I know that I’m a person who avoids conflicts at all costs so his email did make me wonder if there was something that I could have done, should I have tried to speak to him rather than walk away? That’s what’s hurt him the most, the fact I didn’t say anything, in his eyes I didn’t even try, I just left.

Now I do feel so alone and only a few days ago I was enjoying being on my own. How can he still hurt me this badly? Is that what he’s trying to do or is he genuinely seeking help, moving away, giving our dogs away?

And I was so looking forward to the weekend since I’m having a few days off work. All I feel now is upset, confused and guilty (again).

[Doglover99]

Oh how lovely it would be to go away but sadly my finances won’t allow it. I too would love to have a friend living locally who I could visit and chat to. Another thing I used to do is whenever I would call a friend, I would always think they must have better things to do than talk to me and the first thing I would do is always ask if it was a bad time to be calling. Not quite sure why I did that, another low self-esteem thing.

M.U.M. that is exactly what you need, to go out and see your friends. They will be pleased to see you and it gets you out and your confidence will start to return. That’s what I’m conscious of for myself, that I will become so used to being on my own that I will just stay in on my own and become a recluse. Now that I’m starting to find some confidence, I don’t want to go backwards.

Go out and enjoy yourself. You deserve it!

[Doglover99]

Hello and Happy Easter. Serenity, thank you for your kind words. I have surprised myself at how quickly I seem to have settled into my new life.

M.U.M. It sounds to me that you have been out of the social situations for so long, being at home with your husband and kids, that you have just forgotten how to be you. Our abusers grind us down until our self confidence is gone and we are no longer the person we were. We have been pleasing someone else for so long, always doing something for others, having to behave in a certain way to avoid arguments, putting our kids first that we no longer know how to do things for us. Don’t feel guilty for wanting to do something for yourself!

I am not naturally outgoing at all. I will never be the life and soul of the party and I wouldn’t want to. I just want to be confident enough to try new things and meet new people. My social circle is so small, I don’t have people locally I can go out with so if I don’t do something about it, I will be on my own. I need to get out there and meet like minded people. You do need to get out of your comfort zone but once you’ve done it once, it gets easier. It’s quite good to think, what is the worst that can happen. I used to get so embarrassed about the silliest things but one thing my husband taught me is not to care what other people think about me. He used to embarrass me in public so many times, nothing can be as bad as that.

I also try to avoid conflict at all costs. I spent years pleasing other people, I’m a nice, kind person who always puts other people first. That’s what the abusers look for maybe, someone they can control and who better than someone who doesn’t argue back. I certainly changed from a confident woman to a little mouse who couldn’t think for herself any more. It’s only my son’s problems last year with the self-harming that gave me a reality check and made me look at my life.

The counselling has made me question some of the things I do and why I think in a certain way. I’ve had to really look at myself differently, in a more positive way. I don’t know what I want out of life but I do want to live my life and not let it slip past. I wasted too many years with my abuser when I could have been living a better life.

I wouldn’t worry about your son too much. At least he is at home! He’s obviously very comfortable at home and that’s a good thing. Mine goes out so much. BUT, an interesting observation from a friend the other day, she said that it looks like me and my son have a very good relationship from the way we were interacting. He may come and go but he knows I’m here for him. It’s the little moments of gratitude and love that make it all worthwhile. He still tells he loves me every day and I do treasure that.

My son needs his friends at the moment. He’s refused counselling but he talks to his friends about his feelings. It’s an outlet for him. He too doesn’t really want to do things with me that much but that’s a teenage thing. Did you do things with your parents at that age? I know I didn’t.

I’ve had a good weekend so far. My son was here for some of it. A friend came over the other day and another one is coming tomorrow. I’ve done bits and pieces in the flat. I even forced myself to go out for a walk earlier and actually felt quite pleased with myself afterwards. Another night on my own, son has decided to stay at his friend’s again, but that’s ok. Thank goodness for recordable TV, that’s all I can say. I’ve watched so many films over the last few weeks and strangely the romantic comedies have been a real tonic. I still feel hopeful for the future.

In fact, I don’t quite know why and how I am feeling so positive about the future. Money is worrying but even that doesn’t seem to dampen my spirit. All I can say is that there most definitely is life after abuse! 🙂

[Doglover99]

I’m so pleased if my progress has made you realise that it’s possible to get out and start living your own life like you deserve. It took me a while first to accept that it really was domestic abuse and then to start planning our move. Things were more complicated for me because I had to stay in the area because of my son’s school and my work and refuge wasn’t an option for us because of my son’s age. From the time I was accepted on the housing list, it took us 7 months to get a place BUT it would have been quicker if I had bid on flats as well and not just houses. I tried to get a house so our dog could come with us but in the end I had to take a flat and leave our dog behind. It varies depending on where you live but a mother with young children will be a priority so you shouldn’t have to wait too long.

You do need to plan though. Start gathering all your important papers and documents, if you have somewhere outside of your home you can keep them that’s even better. I was in the same position as you, all my family are overseas and I only had a couple of friends left so I really had nowhere to go. It was very hard trying to keep things normal at home whilst knowing I was planning to leave. I think for me, my work kept me sane, it was a distraction from all the things going on at home.

If you can, try and save some money, maybe open a new bank account with online statements so they don’t get posted to your home. I couldn’t save much at all but I had a little bit which paid for the removal van and the small deposit I had to pay for our flat. The one thing I wish I had done is change the utilities to my husband’s name but I think he probably would have asked questions then. In the end I ended up with the closing bills which I need to pay somehow.

Keep strong and don’t worry about your confidence. Like the ladies here said, it will come back with time. You have been ground down but once you’re out and living your own life, making your own decisions, you will feel so different.

Good luck and keep posting. We’re all here for you.

[Doglover99]

Thank you for your replies. I will take your advice on board and won’t meet with him, not yet anyway. Although I feel strong now, it may be because I haven’t had to speak to him or see him. It may well put me back if I see him now and I don’t want to feel like I did the first week, the guilt was really bad. I will give it more time, especially since he’s not demanding I see him.

As to my son’s school, no luck there I’m afraid. He tried it a few weeks ago and had a massive panic attack there (I may have already said this). I had a meeting with the council’s attendance officer and they pushed him, pleaded with him to go to school and he got visibly agitated and stormed out of the meeting. He won’t go back to school, that’s obvious and I can only push him so much. The school seems to be willing for him to sit his exams there so I need to get him to do work at home although he doesn’t want to do anything at the moment. He doesn’t seem to care and more I push it, the more he goes the opposite way so I have to tread carefully with him.

Unfortunately he still keeps seeing these friends who are older than him, with no jobs or proper education, and I think all he sees is their freedom to do as they please. He has no idea of the real world, how much things cost, so in one way he’s still a child although it other ways he appears older than he is.

I have come to the conclusion that the most important thing , the only thing really, I can do is to be there for him no matter what he gets up to, school or no school, and try to encourage him (without nagging) to start doing some work towards his exams. He is definitely after more freedom and I have had to accept that, although I do ask that he lets me know he’s safe. I may not like what some of his friends do (or don’t do) but I can’t keep him away from them without pushing him away so all I can do is be there for him when he needs me.

I realise now that I should have been stricter with him when he was younger but in a way I must have over compensated for my husband’s cruelty and control by being soft with him. Now he’s bigger than me, nearly an adult, I can’t start putting the boundaries in place now where they didn’t exist before. Ultimately we have a very good relationship, even despite everything we’ve gone through, and I intend to keep it that way.

[Doglover99]

Hi, Your story hit home with me. It took me a year to get out and it’s very early days for me and my son still.

Do contact the local authority, go and see them and ask their advice. Our local council offices have a Women’s Aid rep there once a week and I went there a couple of times to get some advice and they were really good. I would put your name on the housing register straight away because it takes time. Do you have an email that your husband doesn’t have access to? I did everything by email with them. At first I couldn’t accept that we had to leave and I delayed applying for housing for 5 months and it was a big mistake because in the end I realised that we need to get out and then I was stuck for months waiting for a property whereas if I’d put my name down earlier, we would have been out much earlier.

They will need proof of DV though. I had CAMHS involved with my son and the local council DV support worker and they provided letters for the council as proof. Towards the end I also had Early Help from SS involved as well and they also made contact with the council to try and speed my application. Your GP is a good starting point, good for you. I would contact Women’s Aid and they can tell you what support is available in your area.

People have different experiences with SS. Mine has been good but I do know others who haven’t had such a good experience with them. I don’t know how old your children are, I think if they are very young, SS will be more involved. My son is a teenager so my situation may have been different to yours.

Start by getting as much information as possible. Your local council will be able to tell you what information they need so you can get on the housing register. If you are desperate to leave they will offer you temporary housing, a refuge maybe. A refuge will help you deal with the practical things as well like tax credits, housing benefit etc.

Good luck.

[Doglover99]

I watched this last night and it was shocking viewing, a real eye opener of what really goes on behind closed doors. Those brave ladies willing to bring these men to justice for what they’d done.

What would be interesting is if they made a programme about emotional and psychological abuse as well. We don’t always have bruises to show for what we’ve gone through.

[Doglover99]

Hi there. Sorry, I haven’t had a chance to log on until now. I’m still so tired all the time but keep waking up early in the morning rather than when my clock says it’s time to get up.

It was my birthday recently and although I was dreading it, I had a good day. It’s the first birthday in years I haven’t spent with my husband. I expected him to contact me because he had said before that he wanted to see me on that day but I heard nothing…until the early hours of the following day. He sent me another email full of spelling mistakes, so he was obviously drunk again, and he wasn’t happy that I hadn’t contacted him. Why should I have contacted him? He could have sent me a message wishing me a nice day. I haven’t heard anything at all from any of his family either. I can only imagine what he’s told his parents and his kids. Oh well, I knew it was going to happen.

I’m enjoying the peace at the flat. We’re slowly getting it furnished and I am so amazed at how kind people have been to us. I even received a anonymous donation of money from someone at work. I feel humbled to say the least. Someone must have been looking out for me because only a few days later my car packed up and I had to spend quite a bit of money getting it back on the road.

The school thing with my son is still not sorted. I have a meeting arranged with my Early Help support and the council’s school attendance officer. I have tried everything to get him to school but he won’t go. I hope they can talk some sense into him but I doubt anything will make a difference to him. At the end of the day, he needs to put the work in and he doesn’t want to. I don’t want to alienate him by having a go every day so let’s wait and see what they can suggest. He is seeing someone from Victim Support soon too so that may help him as well.

I am hearing about more incidents between him and my husband. It appears that not only was it emotional abuse, there were also physical incidents that I wasn’t aware of. I don’t know why he didn’t tell me about them before but he is slowly starting to open up in his own time. No wonder he had such a hard time before if all this was happening as well. The thing is my husband was obviously very clever and made sure the physical threats happened when I wasn’t at home.

The strange thing is I don’t really miss my husband. I miss doing things with someone else but I don’t think I miss him. That makes me feel a bit like a cold hearted woman. How can I feel nothing when it was so hard to leave? I miss my dog terribly though but I enjoy being on my own. I still don’t have the energy to do all the things I was planning but slowly I’ll get there. I’m going to look up adult education courses this week and will sign up to something to learn a new skill. Something hands on and practical.

For you M.U.M., have the confidence to try something new. I guarantee you will surprise yourself when you take the first step. My memory is bad nowadays as well. My son gets so frustrated with me for asking the same things repeatedly. I don’t think I could do academic study any more but a practical course learning a new skill will be fine and it would for you too. You have managed to raise your kids without a degree education, have the confidence that you CAN and you WILL be able to progress and get that new job or go on a course for a new skill. Nothing is impossible. You have gone through worse and survived. What’s the worst that could happen? They can say no but keep on trying and you will find a way. That’s one thing I’ve learned, if at first you don’t succeed, try again and things will happen. And when you think what is the worst thing that could happen in a particular situation, it’s not usually that bad.

Take care. Big hugs to all.

[Doglover99]

I keep reminding myself of the bad things he did to both of us. I really need to write that list down properly. I have scribbled every incident I can remember in my little book when I was still with him and the list was rather long then.

My son is better, he is calmer, happier and not so angry anymore at home. His body language is different and his face isn’t angry all the time any more. He has freedom in his own home now. He still gets frustrated with me because I keep asking him the same things apparently (blame my old age and old brain for not remembering). He actually tried returning to school this week. He got up on his own, got dressed and off we went. He got apprehensive in the car though and I started getting texts from him 3 hours later saying he couldn’t take it. The school welfare officer called me to say he was anxious, he’d had a panic attack and that he really couldn’t do any work that day. I collected him and it was obvious he had had a very bad experience. I won’t be able to get him back so the school is trying to think of another way he could do at least some of his exams this year.

He has lost all motivation though, he doesn’t care if he doesn’t get any qualifications. He’s not thinking about college either, he’s just living day by day, meeting with his friends. I am not sure what I can do to motivate him. Early Help are still involved so I hope they will be able to suggest something.

It will take him time to recover but certainly the early signs are good. He’s still a teenager so I will still have the usual problems to deal with. I am trying to get him to see someone from Victim Support but he’s not keen to have more “counselling”. I know that’s what he needs but I can’t force him.

[Doglover99]

Hello. What a horrible week that was. Last night all the emotions came out again and I cried my heart out alone in the flat. The worst of it was that I was missing my dog so badly. My husband has sent me another email, very late at night and obviously very drunk judging from the spelling mistakes. He has been ripped apart, he is begging me to sort things out, that people have got over worse than this. He says he might move out of the area if we can’t sort things out because knowing I’m nearby would destroy him. I feel so terrible hearing all that. I haven’t responded and I won’t. Strangely though he hasn’t mentioned my son or how he could sort their relationship out, or even asked how he is.

A friend came over yesterday and reminded me of some things I’d forgotten about. She said I changed during the course of our relationship, how she couldn’t feel comfortable when she came to visit, it felt like his house rather than our house. She also reminded me about a comment I made right in the beginning. I was puzzled by the way he spoke to his own kids and I do vaguely remember that. I think he shouted at them to behave or else, that type of thing, and it was the first time I met them. I had obviously been puzzled enough by that to mention it to my friend. That should have been a big clue for me.

My son has been happier, calmer, more relaxed and has been able to have friends over. However, he still won’t go to school. He stayed at a friend’s house last night even though I told him to come home. He refused to tell me at whose house he was and wouldn’t take my calls. I called his dad in desperation and told him that we’d moved out so that my son could be happier but that he’s still doing the same stuff as before, i.e. staying out at friends’ houses rather than come home. He’d promised me he would return to school today so maybe that’s why he didn’t want to come back last night, he knew I would demand he go back to school this morning. Maybe I just have to accept that he won’t go back to school, he will get no qualifications and will need to do his exams later. The school won’t be happy though, I know that.

I am depressed and anxious. I think I’m anxious about my son’s schooling, the chance of bumping into my husband and checking my emails in case there’s an email from him. He hasn’t tried to call or text so he must have been given some advice about that. And I think I’m depressed because of the trauma of leaving, the upheaval and nastiness of it all. I am grieving, it feels like someone has died and I miss my dog so much it hurts. The flat is still half empty, still no appliances but I should get a fridge tomorrow which will help.

I am seriously worried about money. The housing benefit luckily got sorted out super quickly so that’s in place. I’ve had to buy essential items though so my bank balance is almost at zero already and still weeks to go before I get paid again.

My family know now and my mum has been really upset, mainly because she wants to help and can’t. I’m not ready to talk to her yet, I’m too fragile. I had no idea it would be this bad, I had kept calm and acted normal for so long, now it’s all coming out and it’s really hard. I know I just have to go through it but it is hard, very hard.

I even thought was it really that bad, have I made a big mistake. I do need to write things down, I know that will clear the doubt but I’m scared at how upsetting it will be seeing it all in black and white.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

[Doglover99]

Hello everyone. Ok, so Day 2 is a bit better than Day 1. Not quite so emotional and just got on with what I have to do. Got myself a dining room table, spoken to the old utility and water companies, been to the council to say I’ve left (no doubt there will be bills to come from them), renewed my prescription for my medication and catching up on emails at the library again.

My husband hasn’t texted or tried to call but there was an email from yesterday saying how much he loves me, how could a marriage get to this, asking me to call him so we can talk about where we go from here. He was asking if things could be sorted out of if I’m just walking away. It broke my heart to hear that but I’m not ready to respond in any way yet. He will change his tune no doubt when he finds out I’ve cancelled the utility contracts and been to the council.

I saw our neighbor, she was so off with me, so I’m sure he’s told a different tale. At least the dogs are ok though. His sister seems to have them today. Just going past the house made me anxious though. I don’t want to go back there. I saw he’d emptied the porch, probably changed the locks as well. Interesting thing the neighbor said the social services had told HIM not to make contact with ME. I doubt he would have called them so it’s probably another tale he’s spinning to make himself the victim.

I’m sure he is devastated, he did say in his email how much I’d hurt him. And that does make me feel emotional and guilty again. But then I remind myself of the times he’s said and done horrible things to me and to my son and I don’t feel quite so bad again.

I wish I had wifi at the flat but I don’t yet so I’m a bit out of the loop. Or maybe it’s a good thing, I am not contactable that way and not tempted to email anyone. I told my family overseas and they were so shocked. My mum is worried but I’m just too emotional still to talk to them.

My support worker was fantastic. She managed to get me some things for the flat. I got a brand new microwave, toaster and kettle amongst other things. I was so grateful, at least I don’t need to buy those now.

Would anyone know about the housing benefit. I have applied and it’s being processed but the housing association is expecting a full rent payment this week I assume. My support worker advised though that I only pay what would be my contribution when housing benefit is taken off. She said it may take up to 6 weeks to process the claim and there is no guarantee that I will personally get the backdated rent, that there is a chance it could go directly to the housing association and I may have problems getting it back. I will speak to them tomorrow and hope they don’t turn difficult. I can manage if I pay my contribution but presumably that would officially make me go into arrears until the housing benefit kicks in. My support worker said I need to be tough with them, that I may get letters advising me I’m in arrears but that it would get sorted out when I get the benefit. I could suggest the housing benefit gets paid direct to them, maybe that will be better. Sorry, I’m rambling, hope I make sense.

I’ll keep you updated on our progress. My son had 3 friends round last night and he seemed so happy, even thanked me today for letting his friends stay over. This is what it should have been like all along. Now all I need is to get him back to school next week!

[Doglover99]

Thank you for your messages. We’re in. I am completely drained, physically and mentally and feel very emotional. I cried and cried last night and this morning I was still shell shocked. I called my husband before he got home from work to say we won’t be there. I explained why and he just couldn’t understand it. Predictably he said he would give my dog to the dog home. I explained it to his sister in person and she understood although of course she will be on his side. It was the most horrible day of my life.

I wasn’t expecting to feel this emotional and it’s scary. I feel very fragile. I’m already starting to miss him for some reason. Why do I feel like this? It doesn’t make sense.

My son is already happier and it’s been less than 24 hours. He was great yesterday, so excited about his room and he’s already invited a couple of friends over tonight. A bit too soon for me but at least it’s people around me.

That’s what hit me this morning, I am completely alone now. No family, a couple of friends who live too far to see too often and who have their own lives. I’m even thinking of going to the local church on Sunday for support.

My son is away this weekend and a weekend on my own really scares me. In the old place I would have relished it but now I am scared of being by myself.

People are helping me with some essential items later today and I’ve contacted the local council too for white goods. Any little help will be welcome.

Thank you for all your support.

[Doglover99]

This is just a quick message but reading all the above, please please Moon don’t go back. We are all worried for your and your daughter’s safety and it seems so are you. Nothing can be as bad as your daughter growing up with her abusive father or in foster homes if something happens to you. Trust your gut instinct and don’t listen to anything he says. If he’s blackmailing you, that’s a criminal offence regardless of what you may have done. I’m sure it’s not anywhere near as bad as what he’s making it out to be. Don’t listen to him, block him, ask for help at the refuge and from your social workers. They know something is wrong already probably since you say you’re not a good liar. Your gut tells you not to go back, trust yourself and stay at the refuge where you feel safe and where there are people who will listen and help you.

Why do you say you need to go back next week? Because he says so? You do what YOU want to do, what YOU think is the right thing for you and your daughter. If in doubt, speak to the people around you. They will be able to see the situation the way it is and guide you through it. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to!!!

Keep posting. We are all here to support you.

[Doglover99]

You got my feelings absolutely right. I feel so guilty and bad about doing all this behind my husband’s back. He still has no idea and he’s going to be so upset, shocked, angry…and then he’s probably going to try every trick in the book to cause me trouble, financially or otherwise.

I have been taking things out of the house every day and booked a man & a van for the moving day. It looks like my husband will be working that day so I should be able to get my stuff out. The spying neighbour will no doubt call my husband when he sees the van turn up. What do I do then? If my husband calls to find out what the hell is going on, do I just ignore it? Do I put police on stand-by (not even sure if I can do that)? I am starting to panic about the little details now. Our support worker will be there on the day as support so at least I won’t be alone.

I made a list of all the companies I need to notify. How am I going to manage it all??? All the utilities are in my name. Can I just tell them I’ve moved out and get it changed to my husband’s name without him talking to them? Then there’s the council, phone people, tax people…not to mention the landlord. I haven’t had time to go to CAB to ask about what do I need to legally do with the landlord. The tenancy is in both names and he’s going to continue living there. Do I still need to give official notice in writing? It’s going to be a horrible call because my husband is working with him at the moment. But I know that if I don’t officially notify him it might come to haunt me later because my husband will find a way of making me pay. Do the circumstances, i.e. dv, make any difference in situations like this? There is a reason why I need to leave straight away and not wait a month.

I am trying to stay calm but underneath I am seriously panicking. I know I’m doing the right thing but it still feels so wrong. I found out that the new property doesn’t have any appliances so we’re moving into a property with no fridge/freezer, cooker or a washing machine. I have all that to sort out. My son, bless him, he did say it doesn’t matter, as long as I have my coffee machine we’ll be fine. Bless him. He’s already telling all his friends about it and is so excited.

I am starting to feel scared about being alone as well. At least at the moment there is someone there to talk to when you’re watching TV or something. And I’m going to miss my dog so much. I can’t even think about that because it’s already upsetting me. Oh just realised I won’t even have a TV there to keep my company until I can buy one.

I am starting to realise just how difficult the whole thing is going to be for me emotionally. A part of me still doesn’t want to do it but only because I hate conflict and love an easy life. The other part of me can’t wait and I’m even a little excited about it, and I absolutely know it’s the right thing to do for both of us. That doesn’t even make any sense! If it had been more physical abuse, I could justify it better to myself somehow but because most of it has been emotional and psychological abuse, it somehow still doesn’t feel justifiable enough. That is what he’s going to say for sure. Then on the other hand, I know just how much damage he’s caused my son…and there is my answer. How can I be feeling all these conflicting emotions?

Sorry to ramble. My mind is all over the place at the moment.

[Doglover99]

Hi there. I’m ok, haven’t been able to log on for a few days. Also have had problems with my son so all my energy has been spent on dealing with all that.

My viewing is next week and I should get the keys two days after and I’m planning to move the few bits of furniture I’m taking with me the following Monday. I’m getting more and more desperate to get my son settled in our new home. He’s not having a good time at all at the moment and things are tense at home, he’s spending more and more time at his friends’ rather than be at home so the sooner we get the flat the better.

I am feeling so guilty and anxious about the whole move thing though. I hate it that I can’t say anything to my husband. I know I shouldn’t feel like that but I do. I have so many practical things to sort out like changing the name on the utility bills, sorting out the house insurance, our phone/broadband provider. It’s all in my name and I don’t want to keep paying for it once I move out. Then there’s informing our landlord. Do I just call him to tell him, or do I need to write to him officially? It’s a very informal arrangement now after being there for years. My husband is in close contact with him so it’s going to be really awkward for all of us.

Everything is going around in my head and I can’t seem to relax at the moment. I’m going to store some of my things at my work. The problem is getting hold of the key to the ladder so I can get in the loft because he keeps locking the doors and hiding the keys so I don’t have access to them most days.

It’s all a big nightmare until we get out. There are tensions in the house and I’m trying to keep things calm and normal but it’s so hard with all this stuff going around in my head, knowing what’s going to happen and he doesn’t have a clue at all. Why do I feel so bad about it when I know how he’s treated us, especially my son. He’s the reason why my son has all these problems, self-esteem and anger issues and why he hates being at home. Why do I still feel bad?

Anyway, sorry, didn’t mean to rant on. I’m ok and will keep posting to keep you updated on our progress. I have external support in place so I’m not completely on my own in this.

Thank you for thinking of me. xx

[Doglover99]

Hi, I’m ok thanks. He stayed out for a few hours and came back saying nothing. My son came back home in the end, he was hungry, so it was him and me for a few hours and oh what a stress-free few hours it was too. I actually noticed it and it made me smile, I was thinking not long now and it’s going be like this every night. Then he came back and the atmosphere changed instantly. He didn’t kick off though so that was good.

He had a go at me today though, asking why I don’t want to do anything with him any more. It’s going to be so hard to keep this going for another three weeks. I did think about finding somewhere to stay for the next few weeks until we get the flat but I don’t have anywhere so I’ll keep things as normal as possible.

I took a whole car load of stuff to my friend’s garage. I think I underestimated just how much stuff I have. Well at least I’ve made a start.

Hope you all have had a peaceful weekend.

[Doglover99]

It has been interesting reading your replies.

To you M.U.M., you seem so much like me, it’s uncanny. The difference is I have always worked so maybe that’s why I feel more confident in some ways. I am the same in group situations, I tend to be the quiet one but one to one, I talk and talk. I am sometimes too open about myself, maybe that’s why people have found me an easy target. I had a discussion about this with my counsellor and it is very clear that me (and you M.U.M.) suffer from low self esteem. I am starting to work through this issue which hopefully will help me in the future. She gave me some very interesting information about low self-esteem, a real eye opener to why I act in certain situations.

I tend to put things off and one of the things that I am conscious of is that sometimes when I’m with people I don’t know, meeting new people, etc. my mind goes completely blank and I can’t think of anything to say. There have been many awkward situations in the past where this has happened. However, now that I’m aware this is due to low self esteem I can work on this and become better. I am an introvert by nature, quite happy in my own company a lot of the time but now that I really am alone, I need to get out there to make some friends so that if I want it, I can have a social life of some sort.

The good times I had were mostly when it was just him and me. Whenever the kids, esp. my son, was there, something would always annoy him and in the end it just wasn’t worth the hassle going anywhere together. I would go off with the kids and do our own thing, days out and such, and we would have a good time but with him there, no way, he would always spoil it and my son would be the one to be upset.

I am conscious that my son is nearly an adult and I will soon be on my own so I need to carve a new life for myself. If money was no issue, there’s lots of things I’d like to do, places to see but with my finances so tight I need to think outside the box and settle (for now) for smaller things. I will go to that craft group I didn’t go to earlier this week. It’s a start and you never know, I might even make some new friends. 🙂

M.U.M. you sell yourself short though, everyone is good at something and it sounds like you’re a brilliant mum for starters. You can find something that you enjoy. You don’t need to be good at it as long as you enjoy it. I’ve got lots of ideas for myself – cookery, relearn a language, sewing and crafts, upholstery, the list goes on. Have a look for yourself and you might find something that looks really interesting to you.

Now all I need to work on is those conversational skills with strangers. I think the trick is to ask questions and get the conversation going. Strange how I am feeling so positive after everything. Just shows leaving must have been the right thing to do!

Happy Easter everyone!

[Doglover99]

Hi Serenity. It does sound like your son’s gone through similar thing to mine. Mine has definitely had the anger stage and a bit of going wild too and now we’re at the don’t care about what happens to me stage. Let’s hope he gets through this soon so he can sit some of his exams this year. I wouldn’t want 10+ years to school go to waste at this stage but it’s ultimately up to him, whether he wants and is able to do them this year.

It has been suggested that my son should see Victim Support and I have an appointment with them. I just need to get him to see that person. I was warned that he will start showing symptoms of trauma and will need help but he will need to accept that help and be willing to engage in the process.

He still loves being with his friends and staying over at his friends having fun. I’ve had to accept that he’s old enough to want and do that as long as he stays safe. He loves having his friends round at ours as well and I’m trying to encourage that now. He does seem happy at home too, although I am boring company of course, but he feels safe and secure now and doesn’t need to behave in a certain way to avoid being told off. It’s nice seeing him relaxed at last. I hope that’s the start of his recovery.

He did say the other day how much he hates his stepdad, how he ruined his childhood and he is now getting all that he deserves. I realised that not only did he suffer directly at the hands of his stepdad but he also witnessed (heard at least) incidents between my husband and I. No wonder he hates him that much. His mother was also treated badly and any child, especially a son, wouldn’t want their mum to be mistreated. And he was too young then to do anything about it. How much must that have affected him. I hadn’t thought of that side of things before he said something about an incident going back 5 years. I was shocked that he remembered that and saddened at the same time.

Strangely I am actually feeling quite strong. I will keep on going, day by day. I started typing that list of incidents last night from my scribbled notes and I got to the end of page 3 and had only reached year 2011 from the start of our relationship. I was shocked! There is much more to come and I can only imagine what it’s going to feel like reading it all back when I’ve finished.

[Doglover99]

Hi M.U.M. Good to hear from you and thank you for your advice. Just wanted to say don’t sell yourself short, you don’t need qualifications in order to be clever. Believe in yourself and you will find a way.

I think I might just be ok financially as long as I don’t get any huge unexpected bills. My benefit payments are sorted now and as long as I budget I should be ok. I’m thinking of learning a new skill in order to earn some more money for treats and unexpected expenditure. I would quite like to do something crafty. We’ll see. I do work but only part-time so have half the days free to do my own thing. Going full time in this job wouldn’t be an option and wouldn’t make it worthwhile so I’ll need to think of something else. I always quite liked the though of having my own little business so maybe this will be the start of something new in that respect as well.

It will be slow going getting the flat ready but I’ll concentrate on the living room and my son’s room first and my room can wait. As long as he’s cosy in his room, that’s the main thing.

I was dreading reading my emails this morning in case there’s another one from my husband but nothing, phew. I am keeping my distance as long as I can. It will be easier on him anyway, he may start to realise why I’ve had to do this if I give him some time and space. It’s too soon for me anyway to see or speak with him, I am only starting to get my head a little bit more together and will need time to get stronger in myself.

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