Doris

[Doris]

I think that this situation is drama, drama, drama, and they love it. But it terrifies their selfish ego because they might be harmed. It is all about them – then they lash out and we’re the nearest thing. I am so, so sorry for everyone coping with this. Hard enough under normal circumstances but when you also have to cope with the aggression, belligerence and selfishness under ‘house detention’ it’s even harder.
Sorry to be a bit negative but I just want to say I totally get where you’re coming from Random.
Keep safe everyone.

[Doris]

I no longer believe anything my husband says or has ever said.
He constantly twists the truth, not downright lying just dramatising his version. I am accused daily of behaving in the ways that he has actually behaved. Unfortunately, some people will always believe the abuser. His cousin has actually said I was ‘mentally ill’ – I have no idea what he told her (and neither do I care). Of course it is hurtful – we don’t want others to think badly of us. I wonder if the abuser really convinces themselves that they are abused. It is only via forums like this that we can truly understand that the blame really does not lie with us.

[Doris]

Hi, sounds just like my husband – did they go to the same school? My H is trying to be ever so nice but every so often the ‘snarls’ start when he talks to me like Mr. Hyde almost as though he is testing the water. Yes, how can someone who professes to love their partner talk to them so badly and disrespectfully? I do not get that either.

And you are not a fraud. My husband has never raised a hand against me, it is all emotional manipulation. I am finding that the more I find out about his ‘personas’ the more empowered I become. Apart from shouting at me what will he do? He is just a big bully but that does not mean we must accept DA just because emotional damage is seen as somehow less abusive than physical. What utter tosh. It messes with your head and physical health so you need to take care of yourself.

I no longer bail him out with other people he argues with. I am not his social manager and I am not responsible for his happiness. I do not prepare dinner if I do not feel like it. I refuse sex which I find quite repulsive at the moment ie. sex to keep the peace is not an act of mutual love and respect. I have savings that he is unaware of and attend a group that believes my version of our relationship. Although he constantly surprises me with different manipulation tactics usually associated with guilt – I know what he is up to and try not to take the bait. I say out loud – ‘I do not feel guilty’ and ignore his pitiful expressions and snidey comments. These are a few empowering home truths that come with the knowledge of DA.

So perhaps find a local group associated with WA that will support you. They will not regard you as a fraud.
I have also found that mindfulness helps. Sounds daft but the moment will pass although it feels like the world has caved in when you are constantly criticised, accused, belittled etc.
Take heart – you’re definitely worth it. XXX

[Doris]

Hi Lozzy
You had the strength to leave once and you will again. It’s not your fault that you gave him another try – I am continually doing it. You are a kind, compassionate and forgiving person and that is the reason why he wants to dominate you. Sadly it appears that he has not changed his behaviour and attitude and from what I have learned in the last six months he is unlikely to. Drugs and money issues, although worrying and negative, are not the reasons for his mood swings but are the excuses. Even if he was totally clean and you won the lottery his attitude and behaviour towards you would not change because he likes the power dynamics in your relationship that way.
Sorry if I sound pretty negative.
You are not a fool – positive affirmations are needed. I am just discovering that actually I am kind and generous of spirit and you are too. We are told too often that it is arrogant to have a positive view of ourselves such as ‘I am a compassionate person and I deserve more than this’. You really are worth more.
Take care. XXX

[Doris]

Sounds like they are taking advantage and making a profit out of somebody’s tragedy. What goes on in the minds of some people? Glad to hear you’re not taking up their generous offer – LOL. X

[Doris]

How encouraging – well done.

[Doris]

Sorry for the rant. I just get a little fed up of ‘victim blaming’. It is simply not black and white or one size fits all. People just don’t get it.

[Doris]

The comments fro this Katy person are just BS. Self-abusing – utter tosh.
Relationships where one person dominates another is about power dynamics. The dominator would not be able to dominate a person equal in power so they deliberately choose a partner/friend/colleague that does not share their mindset ie. every conversation must be a conflict that they win, every choice must be chosen by them etc. We’re not weak or self-abusing but kind, compassionate and generous which is why we’re constantly being bullied by selfish people.

[Doris]

I love that – one to remember – so true:
‘a man’s no is the end of the conversation; a woman’s no is the start of the negotiation’

[Doris]

It is the guilt trip that stops us saying ‘no’- we are or have been conditioned to feel guilt if we say no.
I read somewhere that shame is the most effective tool over all the emotions to manipulate and control.
As soon as I recognise feelings of guilt or shame about something I stop myself because I now recognise the guilt is all about manipulation and how we have been exposed to it.
People who really care would not give a fig if someone said ‘no’ to them. But it is about unlearning and the first step is to recognise the feeling of guilt because it is not always clear when it underlies a decision – if that makes sense.

[Doris]

Thanks for all the encouraging responses from the site – much appreciated.
I feel so much stronger these days although I do not have the courage to leave just yet for various reasons. Probably excuses I know.
I am not so angry these days. I guess I have just accepted that he deliberately uses horrible tactics to control, dominate and manipulate which in a strange way is empowering to me because, although devastating at first, I now know what his motivation is and everything makes sense – I am not over-reacting or inventing things.
He is being very non-confrontational at the moment but I know his way of thinking simmers just below the surface as there are no apologies or acceptance but just denials.
If/when the outrage and tirade happens it will almost be an admission of the DA. And hopefully my doubts over the word ABUSE will disappear.
Take care people. XXX

[Doris]

Landy, at least you know where you stand with him.
I challenged my husband about his Jekyll and Hyde personality and he (very angrily) denied this. It drives me up the wall too when people think he is so nice. It actually demonstrates he is well aware of his ‘loss’ of control when he has an outburst. He simply stabs everybody in the back when they are out of hearing range. His absolute lack of respect is in total contrast to his ‘public’ face. Consequently I deliberately keep people I know away from him. He had the cheek to have a pop at a few people I know (behind their back of course) because they did not invite HIM out ie. include him in their life. FFS.

[Doris]

Many thanks for your advice everyone. It appears that the changes in the divorce law, although desperately needed, are stuck in limbo.
I take on board what you say FTC and agree that he may well make life as difficult for me as possible and paint himself as the victim – he’s a master at that – no matter what the grounds for divorce are. However, I don’t feel that I should be a victim of ‘nastiness’ and although I will try to avoid this scenario I will wear boxing gloves and give as good as I get. I am really starting to toughen up now that the initial shock of knowing this behaviour is a deliberate act of control and I am no easy person for him to live with these days so he may go quietly. Possibly. Maybe. This website and the internet and books have armed me with knowledge. xxx

[Doris]

BTW – he has said he would accept a ‘no fault’ divorce. Again, whether he will or not if push comes to shove is another question.

[Doris]

Good Morning IWMB
As you know I am still trapped so cannot answer your question with the benefit of experience but I would hazard a guess and say your feelings are all normal.
This is such a dramatic change that your head will need space to accept your freedom from the ties of your old life. I would also say you must go no contact or you will be sucked back in because you are super vulnerable at the moment. Is there someplace you could go ie. just for a walk WITHOUT your phone so no temptation but just your door key as a reminder that you have unlocked your life.
If you are in a town or city visit a museum or a cinema simply to get away. How about doing the rounds of junk or charity shops – you can buy whatever you want now (within reason LOL)? Stop for a coffee, read local notices – is there a group near you such as an exercise or reading group you can join?
You need to build up networks just for yourself excluding your old life and they do not need to be to be connected with DA just offer normality and friendship. I play table-tennis and I am c**p. I also attend college (at my age?). Go to the Jobcentre – they might be able to signpost you to Adult Education groups etc. How about volunteering for half a day? Anywhere just to meet people and give your new life a chance.
Please do not give up – you have come so far. XXX

[Doris]

Well done my friend. I wish you well with your new life and maybe one day I’ll have the courage to start a new life too. Don’t forget that I am usually around if you want to chat. The future will be brighter now and everyday affirm that you have done the right thing, never ever doubt yourself. Enjoy your tea and freedom. xxx

[Doris]

Thanks WTG. I understand that acceptance of abusive behaviour is shockingly hard. Until people have experienced this they will never understand. I have challenged my husband but he just denies, ignores and diminishes. But at least he knows that I am now aware of why he behaves like this. And by what he has said he is aware of words like ‘gas-lighting’ and phrases like ‘being the victim’ so he is aware. I am not saying this will stop the anger and outrage – I think it is probably to set in his mind. I am still struggling to accept and will probably always wonder if I am doing him an injustice despite his actions. X

[Doris]

Hi Scapegoat, I understand completely about the holiday. I have simply refused point blank to arrange any holidays (it was always up to me to book,research etc) because it is hell when they kick off and you have nowhere to seek any kind of sanctuary so you are extra vulnerable. I asked him what the point of holidays was if we cannot get on at home. It was simply moving the bad behaviour to a new back drop. Of course, he makes little sarcastic remarks like how unadventurous and boring I am but I really don’t care. The more I learn about DA the more empowered I feel so a big thank you to WA for telling it like it is.
I cannot really advise you what to do as I am also ‘stuck’ in a bad relationship and it would solve so many problems if he just left and found someone else who was adventurous and exciting. But he won’t, of course.
My advice would be to stay positive – daily affirmations are good. Like saying to yourself ‘I am a positive person who is unaffected by the negativity of others’. This winds up my husband immensely – he is the most negative person I know and he knows it – LOL.
Make positive plans even if you feel you cannot do anything about it now. Open up an online savings – put money aside for your rent etc. for when you decide to go. Take ‘baby steps’ towards leaving – there is no pressure to go immediately – when you’re ready. Line up those ducks!
And check out WA and their partners – I have been lucky enough to find a local group who give me incredible support.
Build up support networks and reach out. I have even returned to college! Take care. XXX

[Doris]

Hi IWMB, my husband is so dismissive about women standing up for themselves. They must be lesbians or ‘not getting enough’. Yet if a man stands up for himself he is apparently deserving of respect for having principles. Someone once said to me many years ago that men are born selfish and women are born guilty. I’ve come to realise that babies are born but gender is made – socially constructed. If I ever have the guts to leave I will join every rights for women organisation I can possibly cram into my life. And if somebody calls me a lesbian or comments that my legs need shaving I’ll just laugh at their ignorance. Take care my friend. XXX

[Doris]

Hi. I too gave up my job and I urge you never give up your job. He also wanted me to give up my car (as I was no longer working and the car was old) but thankfully I just bought a new one with my leaving pay. My car is my chariot so I can escape when he loses his temper.
Just do not give up your job, believe me. Is there anyone at work who you can talk to? Some large employers offer counselling services through their HR.
When your partner talks big about separation and divorce I doubt he means to go through it at all. I get the D word thrown at me all the time and when I agree he changes the subject into something else he thinks is hurtful. It is also a fishing exercise – he wants to know if you have done anything about separation like seeing a solicitor. Never tell him what you have done or found out – that way you keep control. Also, if you are upset with threats of separation then he probably feels reassured. Thing is, he does not want to lose you. You are a convenient emotional punchbag and he will not surrender that easily.
XXX

[Doris]

Hi Landy, do you know for sure that his mum has thrown him out? I am just very suspicious these days and tend to question everything. It might be an attempt to put pressure on you by your ex and his mum. All the best in your struggle for freedom – try not to look back. XXX

[Doris]

Hi, wise words IWMB. I think your parents, Confused, are probably trying to see the good side of him and maybe are trying to keep out of your relationship. Maybe confide in them – they might surprise you and be glad you confirmed their suspicions. X

[Doris]

What do your parent’s think of him? I know separating is so hard (I am still in a c**p relationship) but please, please get out before more obstacles like marriage get in the way. You deserve so much more than his sullen behaviour. Can you see a counsellor or join a WA Peer Group? Take care XXX

[Doris]

(Detail removed by moderator) was my hobby but somehow it got lost in the past. (Detail removed by moderator). One day I’ll (detail removed by moderator).
XXX

[Doris]

Hi all, nightmares are truly awful and only now I realise that I have experienced at least three in the past few months. I say ‘only now’ because I thought they were real and I have not discussed them with anyone. I have never suffered from nightmares before my current dilemma (identifying DA in my relationship) rather not being able to sleep is the problem.
I have woken in the night with a terrible crushing sense of evil and dread weighing down on me – I could even feel the weight and outline of somebody sitting motionless on the bed in the darkness on the first occasion! I was completely frozen and although I tried to move my whole body was like jelly. And I cannot describe the utter fear coursing through my veins as I struggled to move – it was horrible. I really believed there was something evil in my bedroom – once the evil seemed to be under the bed – how childish is that? This lasts about 10 minutes or so but I am really petrified and cannot move except repeat The Lord’s Prayer again and again. I have not said anything as I have truly believed that this evil presence is real somehow but the reality is that I am probably dreaming although I feel wide awake. Or is this likely to be a panic attack? Has anybody else experienced these sort of nightmares?
Love and hugs to you all. XXX

[Doris]

Hi, I understand completely about the devastating feelings accompanying the knowledge that he knows what he is doing. I also challenged my husband over his behaviour and he laughed rather cynically, wrote a list of behaviours I challenged him over and stuck it on to the kitchen noticeboard so that ‘he knew what I said he was doing wrong’. It stayed there for a week but I understood it was only on display to diminish, humiliate and deny – this is the power of knowledge. Before I may have felt ashamed and may have ended up denying that his behaviour was that bad. Now I know differently.
And I get what you mean when you mention the cutting and sharp remarks. Sarcastic remarks are on tap all the time these days and if I challenge them he manages to twist what I am saying. For instance, when negative remarks flow I say ‘I am a positive person who is unaffected by negativity’, a saying which originates from the Law of Attraction – the weight of his negativity is crushing and this kind of meditation does help to stop me being wound up. But he had a go at me (detail removed by moderator) about it – outraged at my passive-aggressive behaviour and so on … blah, blah. I think I may have struck a nerve! I just said that in future I would say these things in my head rather than out loud.
You are not alone and it is horrible to be the subject of such cold hearted emptiness in a relationship which, like you, I thought was forever. Take care and try meditation – keep him out of your head. It’s private property. XXX

[Doris]

Hi Smithy, Make sure you tell everybody about the change of address including the council, utilities, phones, bank, etc. That’s a good indication of permanency. I am surprised there aren’t any carpets – what did the previous tenant have on the floor? I would suggest going to charity shops and get some rugs. Perhaps get some stuff to up-cycle which gives you something to do as well. I know this stuff will cost money but it’s amazing what bargains you can get at charity shops, jumble sales and boot fayres. XXX Take care.

[Doris]

I love ‘spit in his gravy’. Marvellous.

[Doris]

Happy Easter IWMB (and everyone), My husband is being super, super nice. (Detail removed by moderator) – just like the early days when we were dating. Thing is, I am simply suspicious of this nice guy. Can’t help it. So I will not be giving up my WA Peer Group or the FP or reading and posting. Because once I start thinking ‘it’s not really that bad’ or ‘I am such a fraud, other women have it much worse’ or allow the fear of financial loss to colour my judgement then I am reeled back in – often that is the easiest path. The next outburst may be in one week, one month or even one year, but I know deep down it will happen. Persevere IWMB and take courage from others who have already left and therefore know that the finality of leaving is not easy like some would believe. XXX

[Doris]

My thanks for your replies – appreciated. xxx

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