gladtobefree

[gladtobefree]

Thank you all for your help and advice.
I am going to make it very clear to authorities if it gets that far that I also have two othwr children that are not anything to do with him and they also have a right to a fresh start and feel safe and happy in our new home.
I think it gets very over looked by my ex and his family that my other children also have rights to a normal secure life. My eldest son is an adult now and my ex actually got aggressive to him before we separated. He was also aggressive to my younger autistic son. This was not taken further yet is still a point im going to make for their well being.
I really hope the police can at least speak to him to make him aware that he has no reason to know our address xx

[gladtobefree]

I have no idea why someone would put that all over social media and not realise it isn’t going to help matters. He was emotionally abuse more than anything and that is why its been so hard to get anything in motion for him to not make contact.
I felt so much better when I hadn’t heard anyhing from or about him xx

[gladtobefree]

Hi
I spend half my time feeling guilty over past mistakes and the fact I feel I could have done things differently but the only thing you can do is move on from it. I know that is so difficult but guilt will eat away at you. I found it difficult to discipline my children due to feeling guilty and it didn’t help matters. Children are far more resilient than we think and it plays on our minds more than it usually does theirs.
In regards to you. Please give yourself a break. Being in an abusive relationship makes us different people to who we would be on the outside looking in. Our minds are so scrambled at times and confused due to the abuse that it’s hard to know what to do and no doubt he made you feel guilty if you did try and make a stand.
Just remember that you are not there now and you can’t change what has happened. You can be happy and free from it now and don’t let this person in your past take any more of your head space xx

[gladtobefree]

Hi and welcome to the group.
I’m sorry to hear what you have and are still going through. All I can say is that any form of contact just feeds them even if it’s negative. I have a baby with my ex so I know it’s not always as simple as that. Abuser just use people, pets, finances and all things just to be able to carry on the control. My ex try to ignore me in regards to our baby and then as soon as I realised he was just using her to play a game I made a stand and told him I don’t want him to contact me directly anymore and to take the matter the court as mediation advised. It is also the peace of mind and the head space. Without contact things do still play on my mind but it is much less than before.I would become extremely anxious and unhappy when I knew I was meeting him or even when talking over text xx

[gladtobefree]

When I was pregnant with my second child. I was in an abusive relationship. My eldest child went to his dad’s at weekends so I had so time to myself and I also had to make a big decision because I honestly knew that I would be raising my baby alone and would then be a single Mum to two children and would not have the support of my baby’s Father. I was very young and was at college at the time. I did report him to the police and it took 84 calls and in the end he was sent to prison and I was moved house immediately. I moved to an area away from what I knew and where I grew up and didn’t drive or have any friends there. At the same time my parents had also moved (detail removed by moderator) hours drive away from me. I was nervous and heavily pregnant when I moved. I had my first son very early so there was a high chance that I would have another pram baby and that was the case. My point is that I did it and as nervous and alone I felt at times I want to tell you a story. After the birth of my second son, My Dad came down to stay for a bit and when he drove off, I cried my eyes out and I felt like I wouldn’t cope but that night when I sat on my bed breast feeding my baby, my other son was watching pop idol with me and turned and said “Mummy, one day I will be on here and I will win and give you all the money and you will be happy” it was in that moment that I felt completely content.
It was one of the hardest times of my life and it was also one of the best as it really did make me strong.
I couldn’t go through with a termination even though it was something I had to consider and no matter what you decide, know that you made the decision that you felt was for the best xx

[gladtobefree]

It’s so normal to feel how you are feeling. I’m sure that most the women on this forum feel the same or did at some point. It’s all part of the abuse. They make us feel that we can’t be without them. My last relationship was not my first abusive one so I did get past that part quite quickly because I could look back and remember how I felt about previous partners and realised that once I moved forward emotionally, I no longer missed them but at the time I remember feeling heart broken.
Even years later I realised that when I had got over thinking about them, they would pop up in some way and confess that they missed me or regret what they did. I knew they wouldnt change and by then I didnt miss them anymore so found it easy to reject their advances or guilt trips about how upset they were without me. It will hurt and it will be upsetting but it will get easier and eventually you will feel happier without him xx

[gladtobefree]

The advice from Flowerchild is very accurate.

I was here many times. Told that he needed help and he felt like a weight had been lifted now that we had spoken about things. It was all just part of his game. When I revealed his behaviour he just switched it to me helping him with his problems. He told me he couldn’t have children and he knew I wasn’t medically in a position to fall pregnant due to previous pregnancies and yet here I am with my baby and we are not together. As soon as he had the firm hold of me Mothering his child, he pounced at the vulnerability and became someone much worse. I wouldn’t be without my baby but he uses her as a way to carry on control. It has taken me a while to put my foot down and set firm boundaries which have now led to no contact.
I always felt like something wasn’t right and I think you should always trust your gut instinct xx

[gladtobefree]

Thank you both for your replies. Every time he contacts me I get so anxious and it throws me off but I allow myself to calm down and then I replied making it clear again that court is the option to move forward due to his behaviour towards the children and myself. It is possible that he just does this so he can tell people he has tried and I won’t allow him access. I don’t care what his friends or family think of me so he can say whatcha likes. All I care about is the wellbeing of my children xx

[gladtobefree]

When I had problems in my relationships I always found that other anxieties I had were not at the surface. Being pre occupied with the turmoil kept my mind off of other things and what a horrible existence that is. I always wished to be someone who could sit down and relax and enjoy my own company and I never used to be able to. As the years have gone by, I do quite like my own company or more so just it being me and my children. The thought of being in another relationship makes me feel exhausted. I think I was so used to heartache and upset that when it wasn’t there I felt like I didn’t know how to deal with it. My Dad always used to say that I couldn’t cope with being happy and I do understand what he meant. Being too used to that life can make it difficult to adjust to a calmer environment.
When I’m home, I quite often sit in silence now and don’t like the tv on very often. I wonder if it’s me just enjoying the calm now. When I say about keeping busy I generally mean being active physically. It is good for you if you can find the motivation to even start. I used to think all that was rubbish until I started jogging (I can’t run very well haha) it made my mind clearer. I also volunteered at a day centre for people with disabilities and found it so rewarding xx

[gladtobefree]

I have learnt over the years to allow myself to be human. I think we so often feel different, down, angry and so many more emotionals that it’s natural to want to know why. I have self analysed for so long and it has helped to get me to a stage where I accept that I have bad days or even weeks and then better and good times. I don’t always know why I feel like it or what has triggered it so I just try and accept that is how I am feeling and know it will pass. Having a serious breakdown has also given me the insight that it does pass. When I was in a bad place mentally, I couldn’t see how I would ever feel better but I did and that is what I remind myself when I feel like I’m not in a good place mentally. Having recently had a baby I knew that my hormones would be a hurdle and they are as they have always been. Being busy is always what has helped me and my doctor advised me when I was a teenager, to always keep busy and he was right so now that I am at home more and not working I do find myself getting anxious and more stressed at times but I feel so grateful that I had the chance to be a Mummy again after being told it wasn’t possible and having a large age gap with my children, I am trying to look at all the positive things and realise that on the one hand things have been awful and on the other I have my beautiful children xx

[gladtobefree]

Hi KIP

I remember I found an article years ago and it made a lot of sense to me in regards to my mental health. As I’ve been in more than one abusive relationship and if I’m honest my life has been a bit of a battle ever since I can remember.
I read about the come down after an abusive relationship which stated in short that months after we have got out of the situation we will feel depressed when it’s actually the adrenaline leaving our body from the abuse. All the time we are in a high anxiety or stressful situation we have that adrenaline and then like you say, we come crashing down. I had a mental breakdown long after I had got out of an abusive relationship and was in fact in a settled new relationship. I had no idea why I was feeling like I did and then read about it and it all made more sense xx

[gladtobefree]

My experience with the police did make me frustrated yet at the same time it was comforting to know that certain officers also felt the same and they would have liked to have done more but their hands were tied in regards to emotional abuse and coercive control. It was obvious to them that my ex is manipulative yet most things still come under civil law. Years ago I suffered domestic violence and that was a lot more straight forward yet still it took a lot to have something done about the situation. Back then it was fairly new that it was taken seriously so that does make me feel better that it is only a matter of time that coercive control and emotional abuse will be also taken more seriously. The guide lines are ridiculous at the moment as it’s so much more complex than the typical abuse such as stopping you going out or cutting you off from people. I think things will improve and the more we make people aware of these abusers and know that we deserve to be happy then eventually the justice system will make progress in prosecuting them and protecting us and our children xx

[gladtobefree]

Hi

My ex was emotionally abusive and he ran on coercive control. It is hard in regards to the law as I found out because even with stacks of evidence, the bar is very high to prosecute for emotional abuse. Saying that, I have had a lot of support else where and it not being based on violent abuse did not matter. It is frustrating as it seems that violence is taken more seriously but I’ve been in both types and I can honestly say that personally I find the emotional abuse so much harder to cope with x

[gladtobefree]

I think coercive behaviour has us all questioning if it is coercive or not. It’s comes in all different forms and sometimes is very subtle. I think that anything that makes you feel uncomfortable is not right. My ex partner is not the aggressive type outwardly and is quite the opposite yet he managed to make me feel guilty and question of if I was the abusive one all the time. He did eventually show an aggressive side after I had our baby as he knew u could not fight back and was vulnerable. I read an interesting thing about abusive people the other day and it outlines the common phrases that they use such as saying “sorry” often yet not meaning it or “you are always acting like this”. I have heard them all and after I researched these behaviours it made it easier for me to understand what was happening and how to deal with it xx

[gladtobefree]

My ex still had his connections to two previous ex partners. He had ties with them, a mortgage or marriage. Would stall signing papers or changing over address info etc. It kept them contacting him and he would ignore or make excuses. When I look back it’s clear that it was calculated. I was slightly different to these people and being quite strong minded he knew I would play that game so he made sure he had a permanent the and that is our daughter. My weakness is the love for my children and he knows that. It still baffle me that these people calculator their lives in this way. It’s really quite pathetic.

[gladtobefree]

Thank you so much for your advice.
I keep researching as much as I can. I find it hard to believe that even if he gets access at a contact centre that I will still have to leave my baby with him and someone else who are strangers to her. She will drug and I hate even the thought of it. (Detail removed by moderator). It just isn’t in the best interest of the child at all and it makes me deeply sad. I have to keep strong for my children and I will do all I can to protect them xx

[gladtobefree]

Thank you so much for your reply. I have spoken to him in regards to what ifs and as you said, I already thought he may blame me for taking him home and already said to him that although if I hadn’t had found him then a few minutes later he wouldn’t be here, I’ve also said I’m glad I took him home so that my daughter didn’t find him that way. I am just going to take one day at a time but I needed to speak to someone/anyone who wasn’t involved in the situation. I am very sad that even if he means the sorries and will change, that it took something like this and wasn’t a change he made for us. I have had several arguments arguments him about being selfish and not thinking how his actions make others feel and now we are all in such a horrible situation x

[gladtobefree]

Thank you for writing.
I am so torn because my little girl adores him. He has been an a*se to me and selfish beyond belief but him and my daughter are so close. I am also very close to his Mum and stepdad and my head is all over the place. He is very remorseful and is apologising for not treating me right and says he will never act like that again and I saved his life but inside I still feel so much pain and his behaviour that night had been argued so many times and he still chose to go out and act like that after so many promises that he wouldn’t x

[gladtobefree]

Thank you for the support. It helps so much to be able to chat on here xx

[gladtobefree]

Thw police have said that it isn’t enough to act on and said I coukd go for an order for him to not make contact so I called the helpline and they said it will most likley be refused due to him not directly asking me for my address and even though he has put it on social media it isn’t direct contact. They have offered to send a warning letter. Sometimes I feel like things haven’t improved much from years ago. I can say from experience that mental abuse is far more damaging than physical and in no way am I taking it away frkm anyone who has suffered violence as I also did myself in a previous relationship too. I find the emotional stuff is more difficult personally and also harder to have anything done about it. Even will it being clear that someone is being manipulative xxxx

[gladtobefree]

Thank you Iwantmeback

I have reported and they are going to visit me. I can’t see what paper work he would even have as surely a court would locate me and if mediation then they have my details as in phone number and email address? So I’m unsute of what else it could be. Surely a court would not advice that he tracks me down xx

[gladtobefree]

Thank you
Is this a reportable thing. The police are not always helpful. He has said that the paperwork is in regards to baby, It makes no sense though. We were exempt from mediation but court has to be applied to within 4 months or back to mediation. Is there a way he would have applied without mediation again? also my anxiety is making it hard to think clearly, surely the court would find me new address and send me a court hearing date and not him that would have to forward paperwork to me? xx

[gladtobefree]

Hey
Sorry for the late reply.
When I was first with my ex and wanted to end the relationship, he did the guilt trip and sobbing but as soon as I became pregnant and even more when I had the baby. He was arrogant and acted like he was the one who wanted to leave. In a matter of hours he would go from upset when I wouldn’t react to cold when I got upset. He literally enjoyed me being hurt. I on purposely didn’t text when he stormed out and sure enough for a text but when I would ask him not to go he would revel in it and be more adamant he was leaving. It was so obvious to see that it was all ego boosting for him so all the feelings I previously had of guilt were not there anymore. I see his game very clearly. He acted the doting Dad to his friends and family and when he thought it would get him attention yet he has no real interest. The reason I’m saying this is because he probably wouldn’t care less if he see your dog or not but it makes him look caring and at the same time is control. They love to have an attachment as an excuse to keep playing games. What a boring life they lead. I really hope things are improving for you xx

[gladtobefree]

I’m so glad he hasn’t paid me. I would rather have to provide everything myself and have the peace of mind that he has given up his games and is leaving us alone. Mediation was classes as not suitable for us and he said he made a court application but there has been no papers and it’s been over 4 months so he has to start the process again and go back to mediation. I had a lovely day for my child’s Birthday and then my ex’s Dad and Sister turned up in the evening after a year and were acting all nice. It upset me bit I welcomed them in and acted normal. They are more interested in the pub scene that to make a regular appearance so I chose my battles wisely on that occasion. My eldest Sons Grandad is the same and I realised how similar. He shows up every year or so and gives you all the emotional he should make more of an effort and then doesn’t so I just smile and act polite when he shows up. My ex’s family sent cards and the contents were all emotional and sad stuff which annoys me as I don’t know why anyone would want a child to read that stuff but they make everything about them xx

[gladtobefree]

Thank you diymum
He has had plenty of time to put something in place so I don’t understand why he thinks he can just weakly pretend he is interesting in being a Dad and that I will change my mind. The situation hasn’t changed so his thinking has no logic at all xx

[gladtobefree]

I think everyone is different
I hated counselling and it made me feel depressed. I was always very aware of what had happened to me years ago. I do agree to a point though because it has left with me anxiety. It’s just the going over stuff that made me feel agitated. Maybe the right counselling is key. I had a lovely lady not so long ago and I enjoyed chatting to her but any other counselling I tried did not help at all. I haf group councelling a long time ago and I disliked it so much. I think focusing on your own goals is really important. I think having people you can relate to also really helps. To know we are not alone. I’ve always been a bit of a loner so maybe that’s why it didn’t help me and I know lots of people that benefited from counselling. I certainly benefit from being active and getting that release of happy hormones. I love gardening so when I am not feeling great, I like to try and get outside and do some gardening (it’s my happy place). The hurdle is that when you feel down you have to have the motivation to do anything and that can be so difficult xx

[gladtobefree]

Your last post has just jogged my memory in regards to housing. I was told that if I needed to be placed in a womens refuge then my eldest son who is over 16 would not be able to go with me but my younger teenage son would be able to x

[gladtobefree]

It is insane KIP
The amount of lies he told were unreal. He was a serial cheat in the past and tried to make the most ridiculous of excuses about it all and as I’m not an idiot, I would tell him I’d didn’t add up and at times get quite angry that he thought I was that stupid and then yet again I’m the abuser.
When he knew I’d sussed him, he played the card that he needed me to help him change. More lies.
The good part is, I list feelings for him long before we broke up and in fact he made me cringe but when I had my baby and have my business up. I panicked and thought I wanted him to stay, this made me revel in my upset and when I wouldn’t react to his threats of leaving. He wouldn’t go anywhere.
Before I become pregnant, I was confident and told him I didn’t want to carry on our relationship and he would be and cry but the moment I fell pregnant by his lies of tell g me he could gave children, he become arrogant and would make me feel like the one being cast aside.

My baby is a miracle after losing other babies and I would never want to change what happened as it all meant that I became a Mummy again. I would howere love if he would just disapear and me and the children could just be relaxed and happy. The t xx

[gladtobefree]

Thank you KIP and DIYMUM for your advice it’s been really good to hear. When you said about intrusive thoughts it reminded me of the relationship. I’ve always suffered this when I’m lied to. It’s a massive trigger for me and being an Empath as I’m told, it makes me all over the place when I’m lied to. He was a pathological liar and it made me obsessed with his lies, it was constant. I could get his past out of my head as it was always something new I’d find out and it wasn’t great and I’d go over and over it and he then blamed me for bringing it up. He promised no more lies and then another would come up. It was on going to extremes. This is what broke me down and was easy to use to make me look unreasonable as people who say its his past. Yeah a past that I knew nothing about xx

[gladtobefree]

I have a solicitor who says very little at this moment in time. All I get is, he has a right to apply to court and they will act on the best interest of the child. My previous solicitor had the same attitude (she has now left the firm) until I asked her directly if she will be making my concerns clear in court which she said ofcourse so I’m hoping it’s just the way they are until it comes to court. They don’t seem concerned with what I say really so I guess until they actually see a court date then they don’t really think much of it.
The only contact he has had has been when I’ve put it forward to him that if he is going to court then surely he would want to see her so she knows who he is but that’s had to stop now as he uses it to subtly push boundaries and sometimes he doesn’t turn up or wants to change the time around his social activities. If I could gauge what his plans were then if never have even suggested he have contact but I panicked so much I didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to look like I was alienating him to be bitter xx

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