iliketea

[iliketea]

Hi, really relate to this too, experiencing the same right at the moment, after a long time out. Suddenly started up again through the court as that is the only forum open to him. Ive been really triggered in the way you describe. Thought I was ok up until now, thought I “knew” all the triggers and what to do when it happens but its been so bad that I haven’t really been able to ground myself and take it in my stride. nightmares are back, constant thoughts and memories and flashbacks, its a nightmare, feel so unwell. Was signed off work but had to go back as couldnt have long off. Need to find some therapy again. When will it end? Was going to post separately so apologies for jumping on, meant to be in soladarity not all me me me…I really hope you’re ok…here if you want to dm for support I know we can’t publically discuss the court but it is a traumatising place in itself so I think that’s a really important thing to acknowledge as well. Sending a big hug, and to everyone going through this right now. Urgh. I’ve been trying to focus on the small things today, bulbs are coming up, and I saw some birds making nests, small positive signs that life does move on, and change. xxx

[iliketea]

Thanks, I know we cant ask about legal things so I was asking on a more practical level, as in how to help the children, how to prepare them for this behaviour, any books, videos, films, there must be some way to protect children and talk to them about this type of behaviour. If Id known about it maybe I wouldn’t have been in the mess I got into with him in the first place. Like do I give them the gifts? How do I talk to them about him being so crap and then hoovering them with gifts.
I’m already linked with all agencies locally thank you.
x

[iliketea]

I had this exact same situation last year. It’s evening now so presuming you’ve sorted it out and hope she is ok? Let us know when you can. I called the nhs line and explained the situation, she called the hospital and called me back. It was a weekend too. She said if in the week the GP could do it. It was a nightmare, I couldn’t get through to the hospital as they said I could be anyone phoning and I didn’t know the reason was there or time of admission or anything. I also called police to do a Welfare Check on my child at his address as he didn’t update me after they left the hospital and refused to bring my child home. I really hope everything is ok, it’s a really horrible scary thing to be put through. Xx

[iliketea]

Thank you for the amazing advice, as usual, you are all amazing, and are just so supportive, kind, incredible, lovely, and most of all, always here. Thank you. Knackered, another very tough day, more communcation from him, a ramping up, its weird how they dont just go away when you end it. I would, if someone ended it with me. You’d surely get the message. Why do they enjoy it so much. Sick isn’t it? Psychotic really, whatever the reason, the narcissism and all that, on another level they’re all just bloody bonkers. Seriously, go get a life you bunch of low lifes, and leave us women alone.
Thanks everyone, really helped me. xx

[iliketea]

will pm. xx

[iliketea]

I think just answering simply, toxic is abuse, whichever way you look at it, abuse is toxic, there’s no “just” toxic. Maybe see your GP and explain what has been happening at home, and how you feel. If you feel unsafe, unloved, unhappy, its horrible to hear, and to start getting your head around but its just not normal to feel like that in a loving long term relationship. This site is an amazing place for information. The way it helped me the most was reading all the stories, and realising how similar they were even though they were all so different and on different spectrums… it was all abuse. There are some really good books, audiobooks which are easier to listen to without being noticed. I’ll bump some posts from 2020 which really helped me see the light on this. Sending love, don’t mean to sound so cut and dry about it, it will take time to get your head around it. It took me ages to do something about it. Its ok. Focus on educating yourself about it abuse, make sure you focus on you and your well-being, get strong mentally and physically and that will help you see clearly and make the decisions you feel are right for you and your family. I got anti-depressants which helped with the fog of abuse, and the constant crazy gas lighting and confusing behaviours, I started running, I cleaned up my diet, I cut out alcohol, and most of all I got educated on it, read and listened to everything I could. Caroline Strawson has some good bite size listens on abuse too, and there are other podcasts. There are FB groups you can join but tbh this forum is the very best, kindest and most supportive one I have come across. It is monitored very well and I have never felt unsafe or unsupported, it is an incredible resource for women by women, who know what you’re going through because they are too, or have been. xx

[iliketea]

This is a truly phenomenal piece of writing. Please try and get this published somewhere. It needs to be read by all women survivors. It sums it up so well. Just beautiful, heartfelt and raw. 💕

[iliketea]

Thank you @twistedsister xx

[iliketea]

@mellow (detail removed by Moderator)!! I have thousands owed in arrears but because of the cost of living he has negotiated to repay over nearly (detail removed by Moderator)!! Deduction from earnings orders only last 6 months – if they have been seen to comply (which is pretty hard not to if your employer is deducting it 🤷🏻‍♀️) it can go to them paying direct to CMS who act as the middle person… but it relies on him paying them, which he hasn’t again, but it takes them (detail removed by Moderator) yrs to pull their finger out and ever do anything (which is why there are already arrears in the thousands), I currently have (detail removed by Moderator) complaints in progress, (detail removed by Moderator). It’s a completely broken system and set up to help abusers especially the clever ones to perpetuate post separation financial abuse. It’s a nightmare.

[iliketea]

sending love, the constant fight is exhausting. Keep going. It’ll happen. xx

[iliketea]

Hi, old timers, how are you both? Interesting post @Lottieblue but sorry no “lived experience” advice as I don’t feel anywhere near thinking about it yet. Not brave enough at all. Still working on “me” – hahaha @Lifebegins yes it is a bit trite but I’m coming round to the whole “self-care” thing and the genuine importance of putting numero uno UNO!! Was just wondering though just this evening when it would happen…my musings took me to later in life, but then I thought “well thats a bit of a waste of looks etc” and then I thought that was a bit sad and wouldn’t “the one” like me wrinkles and all, and on and on my mind went around on the subject with no conclusion except that I don’t mind not having someone around, and I like having my bed to myself and not having to answer to anyone etc etc!!! I think it will totally depend on how YOU feel, and only you will know if you feel its ok to take it anywhere else. If I’ve learnt anything from all this it is that my gut was always right, and was always telling me in some way, and going forward now I know what that feels like, and what it is (from therapy, recovery, education etc), I will hopefully know (better) next time, if I do find myself in the same situation. But hopefully all the therapy and recovery and education means that I won’t be attracted to someone like that ever again. I am much much more careful with friendships I’ve noticed, and much more boundaried generally with all that I do. Trust yourself, and how you feel, and make sure you only do exactly what you want to do, at your own pace. Its positive and lovely and if you feel good, then perhaps thats a sign that he’s ok? Apply everything you’ve learnt over these years and through this dreadful experience and see if he is good enough for you. If he deserves your time, friendship and energy. Keep posting and checking in. We’re all still here, not as often but always pop in from time to time. Sending love. xx

[iliketea]

Thank you everyone, really helped to have support and understanding. @Footballfan1 thats exactly it, its the justifying to other people that I feel I’m sort of doing, he always copies in professionals, and so I feel like I need to reply to defend myself, when I have no idea if they;re even reading his rubbish. @Mellow, sounds exactly the same, thanks for reminding me, Im not alone in this. I wish he’d go away and find new supply, I really really really wish that would happen.
xx

[iliketea]

it depends if you are married or not. If not it gets very complicated if you do not have a Separation Agreement in place, or a Cohabiting agreement. Or a Deed of Trust, but that needs to be watertight. Will dm too as not sure if the legal advice will stay on the open forum.

[iliketea]

Hi, and thank you for being so honest and sharing. That really helps. I’m sorry to hear you also feel the same, I’m sure you are right, it is grief, even after x number of years, I have had a lot of moments this holiday thinking about how it could be different, and what it would be like. I suppose its the age-old thing isn’t it, only us, me can solve it. Its so tiring though. Sometimes I’d love to go for a coffee and just have a chit-chat with someone about rubbish, what’s going on in the world, what’s going on at home. I feel like im getting further and further away from the real world. I tried volunteering but the women, who were a little bit older than me, seemed really unfriendly and a bit sort of territorial about it, even at the food bank I tried. They were really bossy and didn’t help me. The same with the gardening place I tried, they’d all been there for ages and it was like I was some sort of young usurper trying to take over their patch. So so strange. Even though Im in my (detail removed by Moderator), I do have youngish children and I find it sets me apart, I’m in between. Most of the women my age have kids at university, finishing school, one of mine has only just started! I never knew children could be such a pointer in who your friends were as you aged. I did have a “best” friend who told me that as I was having children later than everyone else we knew we wouldnt remain friends in the long run, as our lives would be so different and always at different stages – she was right – I was determined for it not to be true but she sort of self-fulfilled that prophecy – guess she probably wasnt really a good friend. So depressing. Thank you. x

[iliketea]

Thanks @twisted sister, yes it does store, they’re all low level, I don’t think police would be interested tbh. I did have to threaten a harassment injunction under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 if the threatening emails continued which did put a stop to them, so now Im getting it in a different way through the children and the app. Thanks for your comment, as usual, thoughtful, so helpful and kind x

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