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[Imagesha]

Thanks Lisa!
They have replied this afternoon and they say that I can put just my earnings, his earnings are not necessary.
That’s a relief.

[Imagesha]

Hi 3am Thinking!
When you were with him your mind was occupied trying to make it work and keep on going, now you can finally.. grieve. You are grieving something that you spent a big part of your life trying to make work. It’s normal that you feel how you feel. I imagine you had planned to spend the rest of your life with him, grow old with him, and most of all, be in a loving relationship. And you did all your best to make it work. It’s a huge loss.
I also thought I would get my energy back and do wonderfully, without him draining all my energy. But nope.
I don’t know how much it takes to stop feeling like that. I am still in that phase myself.
It’s not crazy or stupid. I think it’s just human nature.
A hug ❤️

[Imagesha]

Thanks for the support. The help I find in the forum is priceless.
It’s just happened so I’m still not even in the rollercoaster. I still don’t feel the part where happiness begins, I’m still going from numb to desperate and back. I feel like I crumbled and scattered all around, and I still don’t know what I want to rebuild myself into.
Before I met him, my dream was first of all to be independent. Find a decent job and a place on my own, prove to myself that I’m able, that I can make it even with my learning disabilities in in a foreign country. Now you can imagine what has happened to that dream, now that I’m barely able to pay the rent and bills for a room.
X

[Imagesha]

I also think you should not wait for the next episode. Even if he’s not violent, what if this time he “looses it” for just a second, pushes you and makes you hit your head on something and hurts you badly? If he just “snaps”?
I myself acted like nothing had changed, felt like I was a liar, but I did what I had to do for myself, and I sneaked out at the first chance, when he was away.

[Imagesha]

Hi Hazydayz 💞
I am really happy to hear from you, it’s been a while. And I haven’t been on the forum much, later. And in general.
Part because in some ways, it hurts. I’m not sure how to explain this. It’s probably as Whyohwhy says, it’s the limitations a forum has. The moderation and everything. There is a limit on how much close you can get to your peers. On how much connection you can get. And it has to be like this. If there was too much information or sharing it would be extremely dangerous.
Also, he, they… they are behind your shoulder. Sometimes you just can’t log in and engage. These days I barely manage to do some work, trying to save for the “great escape”…. and there he comes home. And it’s all over for the day. The acting and eggshell walking begins.
So, yeah. Several reasons, several things.
A big big hug!

[Imagesha]

Marmot, thanks for your answer! His mental health problems do not require a carer at all. They can be summarized as (detail removed by moderator). He’s not on any medication or anything. The condition is limiting but it doesn’t affect his ability to take care of himself. In fact, in some circumstances (ex work) he can even put it aside.
I don’t know and I’m a bit divided, but it feels to me that he is using them as an excuse. Some things he controls are not even related to his phobia…
He did ask for counseling after pressuring him, but he got thrown out because he was not attending. Second attempt he finally went, did a few sessions but nothing changed. This was with the public care system. He has no intention to go private, even though he could afford it.

[Imagesha]

I can find my own rules (well.. actually his rules for me) mentioned in a lot your answers.
Well I’ll start by saying that he has a mental condition and many of the rules are because of that.
Strip to my underwear and put my clothes in the washing every time I go out of the house.
If we are out together, stay away from grass, trees, parks and plants in general. Not lean on or touch surfaces that he considers somehow contaminated. No plants in the house, or even on the balcony.
No going in the shared garden outside.
I am allowed and expected to do the dishes, and that’s ok because I’m all for sharing the home chores.
But I am not allowed to use the washing machine. Or the cooker, because it needs to stay spotless and shiny and he thinks that I’m not able to clean it properly. Or the hoover. He has to be there to check how it’s cleaned.
I am expected to answer the phone immediately when he calls.
I am expected to do secretary work for him. I am expected to leave the door of my bedroom/office open all the time. I am expected to look for trivial things on the internet.
But most of all, I am expected to never say no, even to the trivial things. I can say later if I modulate my voice so that he doesn’t feel “put behind”. But if I just say no, I am nasty, ungrateful, a traitor.
There’s more, but you get the idea.
While I feel divided about the rules that are directly linked to his phobias, all the stuff that is on top of that is soul crushing.

[Imagesha]

I’m in a bit of a similar situation. I go from wanting to leave “right now” to wondering how much of the problem has to do with me, if I’m just being paranoid and overreactive. I haven’t left yet, and I feel terrible about leaving, especially when there’s a period in which he “behaves”. Mine also, has had a very difficult childhood.
It’s the anxiety and depression that give it away. It’s how I feel. I try, on my part, to focus on that. On how it makes me feel staying in the relationship, rather than the doubts of what is my part in this, what are the reasons he is like that, what I could or could not do. I just feel that it’s going nowhere, nowhere good. The doubts and sense of guilt and failure are there. They will probably be even worse once I leave.
But I know I have to do it. You are already out, kudos for that!
I really hope we are capable to leave those thoughts on the side, while they slowly dissolve.
It can be a matter of life or death. Depression is no joke.
Stay strong!

[Imagesha]

Mindful meditation can be very helpful in dealing with anger (and painful emotions in general). There are online courses that you can try to follow, now that the pandemic is limiting interaction with others. I did the 8 weeks course years ago (well before I got caught in his trap), and it helped a lot with what I was going through at the time. x

[Imagesha]

Hi Speechlessmum. Forgivness, what does that even mean?
For me it means to refrain from hurting the other person, from seeking revenge.
So, unless you were spicing his meals with laxatives when you were with him, you have already “forgiven” him. Unless you go to his grave and deface it, you have already forgiven him.
This how I see it, anyway.

[Imagesha]

Mine knows how I feel. I told him. Several times. Not the full extent of how he is destroying me and our relationship, but I did tell him that I can’t cope with being controlled and directed all the time. That I’ve been feeling “disabled” all my life and being independent is the most important thing in life for me. And all the other stuff about name calling and not letting me talk, and other things too. That I will not be able to sustain it in the long term. That it will damage my mental health (it already has but he would freak out if I told him).
Result: sometimes he becomes even worse. but even when he sort-of admits he went too far, the typical answers are (detail removed by moderator), “I did this and that for you”, (detail removed by moderator), “I will do counselling”, “I’m good most of the time”.
Nothing has changed. Telling him changes nothing. He keeps on doing the same things.
I think your husband knows how he made you feel.
“you think I should tell my husband that he shouldn’t be mean to his wife?” that is a good answer. And no, you don’t have to. It’s up to you. Nobody should pressure you.

[Imagesha]

Welcome Speechlessmum! We are all here to help each other as best as we can 💕

[Imagesha]

Just bumping. Got the same message. It is definitely phishing, it has all the “ingredients”. Big money, dramatic story, the sense of urgency, some weird bank account..

[Imagesha]

Same here. Got the message from the same fake lady.

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KIP, Fudgecake, Siba, Gettingtired, Ultraviolet… thanks!!
I’ve actually read the other book that was mentioned to me (Why does he do that, Lundy). They can both be bought as ebooks, which was a blessing to me. Well, in this other book I found exactly him. It has made all my doubts go, and I hope this effect lasts. So the sense of being a traitor is a bit less strong now. I see fleeing (or more precisely, getting ready for it) as something I have to do for my own safety. It’s not just the fear of violence. I know that if I stay I will be dead sooner than I would, one way or another. I’ve made the decision, to put some money aside and go.
He had well brainwashed me, focusing on one of my weaknesses: I find it very difficult to lie. So the prospect of being “fake” and “backstabbing” him just made me cringe. Not any more. I still don’t like it, but I will do it. I am lucky I can quite safely work it out behind his back, via computer.
When the moment comes to go, that will have to be done in one day, hoping he doesn’t suddenly come back from work early. And I will have to leave a lot of stuff. But it’s funny how this doesn’t bother me as much as before. They are objects. I’m more important.

[Imagesha]

Early life trauma can stay with you for your entire life. And unfortunately at that age you do tend to blame yourself for it. It stays at the back of your head, even if later, as an adult, you see clearly that there was absolutely no fault in you. You should have got a lot of support and counseling at that time.
You still need that now. What you don’t need is being put down, by him or anyone else. You deserve respect, as an amazing, unique, wonderful human being.
A big, big hug!

[Imagesha]

I second KIP. You don’t tell him.

[Imagesha]

Don’t worry, I’m not frightened 🙂
Just came back from a nightmare weekend with him. Now he is finally asleep. I will also go to bed soon, because last night he kept me awake almost all night (he was drunk).
Good night Hazydayz x

[Imagesha]

Hazydayz 💞 it could be. I found out about it later in life. It doesn’t have the kind of medical attention in adults as it has in kids, so it can be difficult to get a diagnosis. It also has symptoms that overlap other conditions, including PSTD and depression. Plus, many adults have the “non hyperactive” version of it, and may have found ways to cope and live a relatively normal life. The thing is that it takes 100 times more effort to do what to others is just normal. Unless you “overfocus”, get so immersed in something that you loose the sense of time. You may feel constantly exausted.
I think an ADD/ADHD person is the perfect prey for an abusive person. We have a lot of characteristics that they can exploit. We are a gold mine.
If you want to find more about ADHD you can find a lot of information online. This is just from NHS.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/symptoms/
I hope you get your counselling soon. PM me if you want.
A big, huge hug 🙂

[Imagesha]

Hi Burntout, and welcome!
It is abuse. It would be abuse even if it was not painful. Mine does the same, though not as strong to hurt me. Once you’ve told him to stop and he doesn’t, that is physical abuse.
I started avoiding bending down or turning my shoulder to him. It’s really stressful.
No, it’s not playful and it’s not ok.

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The post is old, but here I am. Maybe someone else is in the same situation. In my case, I’m pretty sure my traits and behaviours are not to blame. But what I can tell you, is that they give him a lot of occasions to blame and shame. I am medicated and followed by the mental health service. I do my best not to let my “chaos” overflow into the shared spaces. But I can’t help getting distracted, forgetting or not noticing things… oh and he will take the opportunity to put me down. You bet he will. It’s not even 24 hours since last time I’ve been called “stupid”, “blind”, “lacking common sense”.

[Imagesha]

<3

[Imagesha]

Thanks Hazydayz, thanks KIP.
I will look for a Kindle version of the book.
I am not very lucky in terms of extra support, my long time friends and my family are all abroad. I only have a couple of friends here, and the one I’m closest to has serious health problems.
There are some positives too though. There are no kids involved, we are not married and we don’t share accounts. The only thing that keeps me from going is the work situation. It’s a weird circle. It’s a type of job that requires a lot of concentration and creativity, but I’m burnt out. So I struggle to earn enough and I even started to miss deadlines. It feels horrible. This is not me.

[Imagesha]

Hi Eggshells, yes it’s not easy at all. I’ve been crying a lot.
But I fell for it once, leaving and going back. I will not do the same mistake.

[Imagesha]

That’s what he told me, that I am different from the “others”. He called his exes “psycho” and “sl_t”.
And he definitely comes in the package.

[Imagesha]

We freeze to survive. Our instincts know that we are not in a position to fight or run. The amygdala takes control and chooses the lesser evil. It feels horrible but it’s just how humans and many other living creatures function to stay alive and in one piece. It cannot be controlled.

And needing validation is just natural, no matter the age. Especially in such horrible circumstances.

A hug ❤️

[Imagesha]

I’m doing better 🙂 sneakily digging my escape tunnel. It’s difficult but I’ve started to be better at taking every possible chance to do some work and put some money away.
It feels like the need to be a loyal and sincere person is switching off, a bit at a time. Well, his definition of loyalty. I’m sneaking and lying my way out of his claws. XX

[Imagesha]

Red flags at the beginning, same here. They where as big as a mountain if I look back, but at the time I brushed them away. Things like “nobody is perfect”, but most of all it was the fact I have problems too. I thought we could come to a compromise, maybe even balance each other in some way.
I am medicated and I do my best not to let my problems affect him. I compromise. He doesn’t.
And the rules unfortunately where there way before the pandemic. To be honest, there have only been minor changes related to the pandemic, regarding those rules.
We are not push overs DinkyHorse. We are just trapped.

[Imagesha]

DinkyHorse, what a horrible situation.
“These are things that I’m not so much told I have to do but I’m made to feel that way from previous comments to make me feel guilty for not doing them.”
That. That’s one of his favourite tactics (not the only one).
I find it particularly stressing and confusing. Like “is it me being weak and not being able to say no or putting boundaries?”
But I’m regularly reminded that “no” and “boundaries” are out of the question.
I almost prefer when he throws a tantrum.

[Imagesha]

Marmot, thanks for your answer! His mental health problems do not require a carer at all. They can be summarized as (detail removed by moderator). He’s not on any medication or anything. The condition is limiting but it doesn’t affect his ability to take care of himself. In fact, in some circumstances (ex work) he can even put it aside.
I don’t know and I’m a bit divided, but it feels to me that he is using them as an excuse. Some things he controls are not even related to his phobia…
He did ask for counseling after pressuring him, but he got thrown out because he was not attending. Second attempt he finally went, did a few sessions but nothing changed. This was with the public care system. He has no intention to go private, even though he could afford it.

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