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    • #122933
      Imagesha
      Participant

      I’m in a bit of a similar situation. I go from wanting to leave “right now” to wondering how much of the problem has to do with me, if I’m just being paranoid and overreactive. I haven’t left yet, and I feel terrible about leaving, especially when there’s a period in which he “behaves”. Mine also, has had a very difficult childhood.
      It’s the anxiety and depression that give it away. It’s how I feel. I try, on my part, to focus on that. On how it makes me feel staying in the relationship, rather than the doubts of what is my part in this, what are the reasons he is like that, what I could or could not do. I just feel that it’s going nowhere, nowhere good. The doubts and sense of guilt and failure are there. They will probably be even worse once I leave.
      But I know I have to do it. You are already out, kudos for that!
      I really hope we are capable to leave those thoughts on the side, while they slowly dissolve.
      It can be a matter of life or death. Depression is no joke.
      Stay strong!

    • #115687
      Imagesha
      Participant

      Mindful meditation can be very helpful in dealing with anger (and painful emotions in general). There are online courses that you can try to follow, now that the pandemic is limiting interaction with others. I did the 8 weeks course years ago (well before I got caught in his trap), and it helped a lot with what I was going through at the time. x

    • #115655
      Imagesha
      Participant

      Hi Speechlessmum. Forgivness, what does that even mean?
      For me it means to refrain from hurting the other person, from seeking revenge.
      So, unless you were spicing his meals with laxatives when you were with him, you have already “forgiven” him. Unless you go to his grave and deface it, you have already forgiven him.
      This how I see it, anyway.

    • #115165
      Imagesha
      Participant

      Mine knows how I feel. I told him. Several times. Not the full extent of how he is destroying me and our relationship, but I did tell him that I can’t cope with being controlled and directed all the time. That I’ve been feeling “disabled” all my life and being independent is the most important thing in life for me. And all the other stuff about name calling and not letting me talk, and other things too. That I will not be able to sustain it in the long term. That it will damage my mental health (it already has but he would freak out if I told him).
      Result: sometimes he becomes even worse. but even when he sort-of admits he went too far, the typical answers are (detail removed by moderator), “I did this and that for you”, (detail removed by moderator), “I will do counselling”, “I’m good most of the time”.
      Nothing has changed. Telling him changes nothing. He keeps on doing the same things.
      I think your husband knows how he made you feel.
      “you think I should tell my husband that he shouldn’t be mean to his wife?” that is a good answer. And no, you don’t have to. It’s up to you. Nobody should pressure you.

    • #115162
      Imagesha
      Participant

      Welcome Speechlessmum! We are all here to help each other as best as we can 💕

    • #115161
      Imagesha
      Participant

      Just bumping. Got the same message. It is definitely phishing, it has all the “ingredients”. Big money, dramatic story, the sense of urgency, some weird bank account..

    • #115160
      Imagesha
      Participant

      Same here. Got the message from the same fake lady.

    • #114936
      Imagesha
      Participant

      KIP, Fudgecake, Siba, Gettingtired, Ultraviolet… thanks!!
      I’ve actually read the other book that was mentioned to me (Why does he do that, Lundy). They can both be bought as ebooks, which was a blessing to me. Well, in this other book I found exactly him. It has made all my doubts go, and I hope this effect lasts. So the sense of being a traitor is a bit less strong now. I see fleeing (or more precisely, getting ready for it) as something I have to do for my own safety. It’s not just the fear of violence. I know that if I stay I will be dead sooner than I would, one way or another. I’ve made the decision, to put some money aside and go.
      He had well brainwashed me, focusing on one of my weaknesses: I find it very difficult to lie. So the prospect of being “fake” and “backstabbing” him just made me cringe. Not any more. I still don’t like it, but I will do it. I am lucky I can quite safely work it out behind his back, via computer.
      When the moment comes to go, that will have to be done in one day, hoping he doesn’t suddenly come back from work early. And I will have to leave a lot of stuff. But it’s funny how this doesn’t bother me as much as before. They are objects. I’m more important.

    • #114606
      Imagesha
      Participant

      Early life trauma can stay with you for your entire life. And unfortunately at that age you do tend to blame yourself for it. It stays at the back of your head, even if later, as an adult, you see clearly that there was absolutely no fault in you. You should have got a lot of support and counseling at that time.
      You still need that now. What you don’t need is being put down, by him or anyone else. You deserve respect, as an amazing, unique, wonderful human being.
      A big, big hug!

    • #114603
      Imagesha
      Participant

      I second KIP. You don’t tell him.

    • #114432
      Imagesha
      Participant

      Don’t worry, I’m not frightened 🙂
      Just came back from a nightmare weekend with him. Now he is finally asleep. I will also go to bed soon, because last night he kept me awake almost all night (he was drunk).
      Good night Hazydayz x

    • #114311
      Imagesha
      Participant

      Hazydayz 💞 it could be. I found out about it later in life. It doesn’t have the kind of medical attention in adults as it has in kids, so it can be difficult to get a diagnosis. It also has symptoms that overlap other conditions, including PSTD and depression. Plus, many adults have the “non hyperactive” version of it, and may have found ways to cope and live a relatively normal life. The thing is that it takes 100 times more effort to do what to others is just normal. Unless you “overfocus”, get so immersed in something that you loose the sense of time. You may feel constantly exausted.
      I think an ADD/ADHD person is the perfect prey for an abusive person. We have a lot of characteristics that they can exploit. We are a gold mine.
      If you want to find more about ADHD you can find a lot of information online. This is just from NHS.
      https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/symptoms/
      I hope you get your counselling soon. PM me if you want.
      A big, huge hug 🙂

    • #114307
      Imagesha
      Participant

      Hi Burntout, and welcome!
      It is abuse. It would be abuse even if it was not painful. Mine does the same, though not as strong to hurt me. Once you’ve told him to stop and he doesn’t, that is physical abuse.
      I started avoiding bending down or turning my shoulder to him. It’s really stressful.
      No, it’s not playful and it’s not ok.

    • #114224
      Imagesha
      Participant

      The post is old, but here I am. Maybe someone else is in the same situation. In my case, I’m pretty sure my traits and behaviours are not to blame. But what I can tell you, is that they give him a lot of occasions to blame and shame. I am medicated and followed by the mental health service. I do my best not to let my “chaos” overflow into the shared spaces. But I can’t help getting distracted, forgetting or not noticing things… oh and he will take the opportunity to put me down. You bet he will. It’s not even 24 hours since last time I’ve been called “stupid”, “blind”, “lacking common sense”.

    • #114223
      Imagesha
      Participant

      <3

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