Indeepindance

[Indeepindance]

Sandybeach2025, absolutely not is my answer to your question.

And you’re not filing over one thing, I can see layers & layers of unnecessary, unkind, thoughtless and draining nonsense from your husband that I see as highly abusive, despite all your efforts to make it stop. A total lack of respect for you and your boundaries trampled over and over again.

You gave it a good chance, put it down to calibration at first, but it got worse. You’re getting mixed signals from him because he wants to control you, I think he didn’t bank on you being so switched on though.

Reading your post transported me back in time to a relationship I left, I could’ve been reading about myself. I was breaking due to the ordering, double standards, obnoxious questioning yet adverse reactions to my normal questions, public and in private shaming, after which I’d be told to ‘calm down’ and oh the double-binds that leave you suffocated as in your situation, wanting to take space after being traumatised on a trip and expected to just carry on like nothing’s happened, but no you have no choice, boundaries ignored again and you are cast as the inconsiderate one who’s spoiling it for everyone else and bringing a ‘vibe’.

I’m not at all surprised you want out. When I left it would’ve looked to him that it was over one argument, because apparently I had no respect for his rules whilst he was telling me to be quiet and just listen… but for me, I snapped after years of the most upsetting, frustrating, infuriating, confusing pattern of utterly superior and arrogant behaviours that I still feel sick at myself for allowing to continue, despite me fighting back hard at times. I tried to imagine how I’d react if anyone else in my life spoke to me the way he did and they’d have been told stop that or stay away from me for good.

Don’t be hard on yourself, trust your initial instincts and look at how you feel about the relationship and whether you’re happy. And all the best of luck whatever you decide xx

[Indeepindance]

InShock I apologise in advance that this won’t really answer your question or help you to get your stuff back, but thought a problem shared and my approach might help you to accept the situation and begin the healing process of moving on.

I never got my things back after leaving despite asking nicely. It’s been so long now that I know I never will. I didn’t pursue it too much for several reasons, would’ve meant dragging an innocent family member into it, him doing all he could to block me from getting it, me having the added stress of fighting him, paying to fight him, potentially having to see him again as he only does things on his terms, discovering my property was damaged, items missing and so on, all prolonging the agony.

I realised that it would also indicate to him I was still thinking about everything and therefore stuck under his control. I know he would enjoy and be proud of this.

So, I decided that the only person I was inconveniencing or hurting was myself, with any residual feelings about it. And I have let go. I will leave the bad energy with him, and any memories associated with him that my belongings might’ve evoked.

I hope you find some comfort if you can’t get everything back. I would never swap places with someone so petty and cruel just to maintain control, and I’m guessing you wouldn’t either, so try not to let their bitterness invade you.

Easier said than done, but I wish you lots of love, luck and happiness xxx

[Indeepindance]

Hi Klara,

It’s not stupid at all, it’s normal to feel you miss him.

You’ve done the right thing (well done) and it will get better, just slowly.

Try to view his being great with the kids etc. as part of the manipulation to get what HE wants. Did you get what you wanted? It doesn’t seem so.

That pit of your stomach feeling will eventually fade, you might have to work hard to remind yourself how much progress you’re making, all the little things which can go unnoticed sometimes, but you will realise that you’re feeling safer, calmer and happier even despite still thinking about him and what could have been if only he’d listened/changed his behaviour.

Keep going and good luck xxx

[Indeepindance]

Spiritedaway Thank you so much!

It felt so uncomfortable I won’t pretend otherwise, but I had to slow down and ask myself, do I choose uncomfortable now in asserting my boundary or, uncomfortable in his home trying to do the same thing/stop sex.

Then I realised, that losing the date (which was also suggested/threatened) was really no loss at all. Keeping clarity and realising I did not have to justify myself, kept me from compromising my safety and happiness.

I do feel proud that I’ve taken a massive step thank you. And I had a very peaceful, lovely, evening alone that day!

 

 

[Indeepindance]

Keep in touch if you can and stay safe, we’ll be right here xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

I hear you, it’s not ridiculous due to the damage and changes he’s caused to your brain.

I have that guilt and anxiety about certain situations I find myself in or have put myself in. It was strong for weeks, and made my blood drain, I would go hot, feel ashamed, worried, missing him and his guidance, direction and protection. I’d wake in the night and all these things would wash over me, like the walls were closing in. Like what have I done, what if he finds out, it will prove I’m no good and not to be trusted, that I have no respect and don’t deserve him.

I still doubt my decision but those feelings are fading a little as I become used to normal life again. As much as I want to go and have it out with him and see if I can make him see, try again, I know I just can’t compromise myself otherwise things will be far worse next time.

Your friend is either dangerous and not trustworthy or has been fooled by him. Either way my advice would be to not get involved here and to focus on yourself and your kids. You can’t fix that situation nor should you try, it’s messy and extremely disappointing and hurtful.  He is not for you, you deserve so much better than someone who can pitch up at your mate’s house whilst you worry about sitting in a public space with other men.

That situation will come to its own conclusion and your energy has to go on you and yours.

Don’t pay any mind to what that might be saying to each other about you, it’ll all be bullsh*t so try to leave the obsessive stuff to them, set yourself free and get clear of it.

It will ease, it won’t be a perfect journey, but you’ll be safe with a chance of a happy future now.

Xxxxx

 

[Indeepindance]

Shecando,

It’s horrible to be shut down verbally like that, I experienced similar in the last few months of my relationship and it was like a stake through the heart, was rendered powerless, hurt and frustrated but it also made me super angry.

I was told ‘don’t answer back’ as if I was a child and ‘pipe down” came out of his mouth one time and I was so shocked and incensed, I think the only reason I didn’t fly at him was because we had someone else in the car at the time who needed protecting.

Same as you it was usually when trying to defend myself against some unfairness, or just trying to join the ‘conversation’ especially if it was about me and what I’ve ‘done, am thinking, feeling, or why’!!

And omg yes being told you’re being a victim after being verbally assaulted is the pits, I totally verify your experience, you know it’s not right, you can feel it.

My ex was also very loud in my ear weirdly and whenever I told him he’d just ignore me so I’d put my finger in my ear, which he also ignored. Yet I was frequently told I was too loud so would have to go quiet.

And they never consider how they’re affecting us but we constantly reflect on what they’ve said about us, and try to improve, don’t we?

It’s unacceptable what he’s doing to you, rage making or soul destroying, I remember it well. I hope you find your solution or escape.

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

Yes!! I had this, it is still there, HE is still there, in the sanctuary that should be my own mind, but I am noticing signs I’m becoming defiant and doing things that I no longer feel guilty for.

I was definitely a shell of my former self when I left him. Took me months to allow myself to relearn how to enjoy things that had been labelled negative, waste of time, selfish, questionable, and to even remember who I was or what I wanted, and who I NOW am as I knew I was changed forever.  I cried and cried and couldn’t function properly for weeks.

I felt I would never be happy again, I was broken, heartbroken, shocked, saddened, confused, guilty, remorseful. Everything I did without him that I felt he would frown upon, weighed on me, felt like I’d betrayed him and made me panic every time I woke in the night or the mornings. The blood draining shame and dread that I’d proved he was right about me being reckless or defiant and that if he found out he’d never take me back, even though I chose to leave.

I’m starting to realise being defiant, individual, challenging, sensitive, angry, and tearful is not negative.  That I had a right to be ‘so defensive.’ Who wouldn’t stand up for themselves if they felt they could try?

So yes the thoughts come and they’re intrusive and consuming.  But try to use them to your advantage, a demonstration of the damage your ex has done, otherwise why would you feel so trapped still. But it will ease given time. You have to go through the suffering and wrestling in your mind sometimes to start making sense of it all.

You will get there I promise, you’ll still feel sad but you will come back in parts and find serenity and happiness in old & new things.

A list of things I’ve done and am doing now that I never thought I would for fear he would find out;

Listening to music / radio whenever I want

Watching whatever I want on TV or on Social Media

Using my phone or ignoring my phone

Meeting up with friends in a pub 

Going for a walk alone after dark

Going for a walk alone anytime without inviting him 

Going to the shop without inviting him 

Leaving the home without asking/telling him first

Joining a gym

Having a drink

Making friends with/speaking to another male

Moving in with a male landlord

I could go on but now when I do these things and I hear his voice in my head or see his judgemental look that questions ‘am I really right for him’, I say out loud ‘just f*ck off [insert ex’s Name] and so what, what you gonna do? Just leave me alone.’

It really helps me and I hope it helps you. You will be okay, I didn’t think I would be but I’m definitely fighting back to life.  Hang in there, you are fierce.

Xxxxx

 

 

 

 

 

[Indeepindance]

Oh no way things have got extremely serious there- are you okay? How terrifying and devastating, but thank all that is good your precious soul is safe. Well done for seeing what was happening and moving fast on it, incredible!

Excellent advice from minimeerkat, you need police backing now as next steps may need initiating and she’s right this needs to be on the record at the very least. If you go further, it might help you to make those next moves when you’re ready, getting him out instead, or dividing your assets so you can break away.

Absolutely agree you need to stay away from him at all costs, this is no game and you were so switched on to recognise it and get out. Never doubt, you know you the deal now that he is escalating badly.

If you can keep in touch especially whilst you’re having trouble getting support from WA please try to, but understandably you will have a lot to sort out there.

Thinking of you

Xxxxx

 

[Indeepindance]

I’d love to know what this abuse entailed as the nice list resonates with me too.

Also the claims of being moral and having a problem with liars despite being one himself.

I can’t believe I’m still trying to decide whether I imagine it all, like I’m looking for the one piece of information that will clinch it once and for all and set me free in my mind.

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

Sadandalone I forgot to reply to your post about feeling guilty for being on your phone.

That was also a huge issue for him, he would make me feel bad for scrolling through rubbish even though I’d told him time and time again I would focus on things that I found useful or relaxing. I actually started to wonder did he have a point that I was too dumbed down being drawn into that stuff, but like you even when I was doing something important I’d be questioned hard as if I should’ve be on the phone at all. I would explain this is my computer whilst I’m visiting you, you have your laptop and I’m just doing emails etc. like you are.

But I realised it didn’t really matter what I was doing on it, he just wanted to make it an issue even though when I’d asked him why he took his phone (that apparently he didn’t need or want and had nothing on it apart from text calls oh and Instagram…..!) to the bathroom, he replied ‘it’s my phone I’ll do what the f*ck I want with it.’

So it’s all okay for them to do isn’t it. He had a go at me for watching crap on TV like really questioning my whole character, but he watched some real rubbish with the excuse he could afford to because he’s grounded.

It’s a horrible feeling of being watched and judged like that. Sometimes I’d hold my ground and ‘what?’ Other times I’d pretend I hadn’t noticed him glaring. When I did start to ignore my phone, guess what he started to tell me to do… check it because a message just arrived!

Urrggghhh they really don’t see themselves do they.

Xxxxx

 

[Indeepindance]

I literally felt your pain reading that. You made me realise how severely controlling my ex was as he did something similar to your partner- he’d tell me ‘we need to talk, I’ve got some concerns’ and my heart would drop.

He’d say he wasn’t sure about me so I would respond with ‘trust your instincts and tell me what you think we should do.’ I did not want to beg or stay somewhere I wasn’t wanted.

Now I realise I’d called his bluff without meaning to- he wasn’t expecting that from me, so he’d say, nah let’s try to make it work. But it always felt like I was the one with someone to prove, the one being tested.

He was so adamant he was a great judge of character and would happily cut off anyone who didn’t make the grade, so I was well confused by these interactions. Why keep me there if I was no good? He knew there was nothing wrong with me. He was just scared I’d find someone more deserving.

And the same answers your question. He is terrified of losing you but doesn’t see how he is enticing it. I’m shocked and saddened about him saying he wished he hadn’t married you. I can imagine that’s shattered to to pieces.

Are your assets jointly owned? Could you explore selling up and going your separate ways? It is sad to have to make sacrifices, but your health and happiness are more important.

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

I’m having this issue still, it’s been months and I’m being punished for leaving and issuing some home truths on my way out, I know it. Despite this man claiming to fly straight, be humble, wise, blah blah blah. He is actually so Manipulative, vindictive, a thief and controlling and has no need to keep all my household goods and personal property. It’s frustrating but I have to let go and not give weight to it any longer but it’s hard. No point in fighting him as he doesn’t play fair and I’ll end up worse off than I am now.

I refuse to continue to feel guilty for what I said to him and justify why he’s ignoring my requests.

So yep I’ll be on FB marketplace or in the charity shops to replace whatever isn’t personal or sentimental to me. All the family photos etc. are gone forever but I hope that stays on his mind too, what can you do.

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

Sadandalone that first part seems like Triangulation, pitting you against another woman. How horrible for you. I’d be telling him to trot on and find someone ‘worthy’ of his perfect self. They do infuriate me with these disgusting hurtful behaviours.

In the second case imagine his reaction if you yelled at him everything he says to you, like why do you never listen etc, because it is HIM who is starting with all of that and can’t seem to handle you having any thoughts, feelings, opinions or decisions of your own even though they’re not a personal attack on him.

Calling you a mongrel is absolutely appalling. Under easier circumstances anyone would draw a line right there wouldn’t they and say speak to me like that again and I’m gone.

And how very childish of him to mimick you like that, there’s no answer you could’ve given to the drink question that would’ve felt safe or good an adult response is there. I really feel for you, and really hope a miracle occurs and you can find your way out, you must be suffocating and dying off inside.

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

Sadandalone it’s to make you feel stupid and question your own choices and actions, to appease their insecurities and control you further.

Mine would say the same about me getting ready- it started with ‘you don’t need to do all that for me’ then it was pointed out that I made myself look extra nice when going out without him for the day and he said ‘can you make yourself look nice for me today like you did the other day’ then he starts to ask ‘why do you do all that?’  Absolute mindf*ck!

I reminded him he told me early in our relationship it didn’t matter what I looked like and that it would’ve been better reinforced if he’d told me every day I looked nice whether I’d made an effort or not.

Smolmouse, oh I hear you. I wasn’t trusted to plug in a socket correctly, had to be shown how!

Xxxxx

 

[Indeepindance]

Sadandalone I get the gist of what you’re saying, that you try to express your opinion and your truth and are shot down each time. He makes himself the victim and is offended by you not agreeing with him.

My ex would accuse me of being offended by his difference of opinion but it was more his bullish superior tone that irked me, and in actual fact it was your partner who initially disagreed with what YOU said, not the other way around, so you see how he’s managed to flip it onto you as being! He’s literally accused you of the thing he just DID and I’ll bet his know all tone made it feel even worse.

I started to pick my battles and ignore his obnoxious responses, but like you realised it only gave him more power, as it allowed him to state I ‘knew he was right’ because I was being quiet or sheepish. How I kept a lid on it instead of telling him no I’m just trying to avoid an unnecessary rant from you, when he said that to me I’ll never know. They bank on you losing energy and your fight.

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

Legocity2024

I just wanted to reinforce the above response that the fact he’s completely dismissed and ignored your requests to discuss separating, is abusive behaviour in itself and indicates the wider problems that have led you to this decision in the first place.

He’s completely disregarded you as an individual, and ignored your boundaries and is controlling the outcome to put himself and his needs first. Has he even asked how you feel and why? If I was in your position I’d want out as well.

To feel terrified of raising it again and the way he’s coldly minimising you and your needs made my blood run cold- I hope you get the help you need quickly.

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

Smolmouse What is it with the fridges?!  So odd, like I couldn’t touch things without him leaping into rescue mode to stop me damaging something, he’d move things out of my way, take over what I was doing, I wasn’t even allowed to move a t-shirt off the sofa to sit down. How could I break that ffs?!  It was all so dramatic and made me feel pretty rubbish.

And the grillings, wow. Yes they’re all so alike in how they frame it, when he did it he said it was about respect within a relationship and that we should be able to answer these questions no matter what. But if I asked questions, I was weird, paranoid and suspicious for doing so. Either way I was told to ‘calm down, I’m only asking’ or ‘leave me alone, you’re being aggressive in your questioning.’

Oh good grief your situation you described is off the scale- yes how dare you be polite to another man-bet your ex could if the tables were turned though!

Insanity indeed, how did we ever live it. I hope everyone going through it manages their escape.

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

Sadandalone you’re absolutely right, it shouldn’t matter! The times I ended up frustrated, confused, angry, hurt, upset, distraught over something so trivial that could’ve gone unnoticed or at best positively acknowledged instead, to then be told to calm down for God’s sake all I said was blah blah blah, big deal chill out and just listen yeah…. Oh.My. God. It took me a long time to recognise it wasn’t me who needed to chill the hell out, it was HIM!

Same in your situation, what is wrong with him that he needs to hyper-focus on you like that, it’s intense, suffocating and torturous to be honest.

As an example I started to wait until mine was out of the room before doing certain tasks in an attempt to avoid his scrutiny, even down to opening the fridge, I kid you not. Even then he might come flying back in if he ‘heard’ something and interrogate me. And if he did come back unexpectedly and startle me I realised I was high on adrenaline, jumping out of my skin as if I’d been caught having an affair or something, it was toxic, and he had the gall to tell me I had problems.

Smolmouse I had the same accusation levelled at me about being naive and men getting the wrong message- all this whilst he met up with a female colleague outside of work and gave his number to a single female neighbour, unreal whilst I wasn’t allowed to pass the time of day with a male neighbour in case he ACTUALLY thought I WOULD ‘see him around’ and take advantage of me, (as if I get no say in the matter)!

They really can be so similar at times, a lot of differences which adds to our confusion but ultimately the underlying control is apparent.

Xxxxx

 

 

[Indeepindance]

Might be harsh but I’d ditch the friend and encourage him staying there now so that you can go home! He’s either displaying more victim-like / entitled behaviour or is trying to make you jealous. Either way he’s demonstrating yoi made the right decision! What a horrible horrible situation for you.

If you can safely return to the house and keep him out, go for it. Otherwise I’d advise getting the legal stuff sorted from safety of where you are, and don’t take the bait. Get what you’re owed and start again.

I would seriously question that friendship (these situations are great for flushing out wrong-uns) and you don’t need anyone draining your battery right now- and don’t pay any mind to his mum, who knows what they’ve been told but you will eventually start to not care about that I promise you, focus on the important things, you and your kids, and retraining your brain (it will come back, give yourself time and don’t force anything), you will get through this

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

Oh I really feel you, we’d have a lot to chat about over a glass of wine wouldn’t we!

I always wondered why do these little things bug him out so much or is it just me in general he’s fed up with? I also suspected he was worried about our relationship as I was due to move out to give us some breathing space, and the symptom was him being overly nitpicky. So I wonder what’s really behind your situation.

What you did regarding the visitors sounds so reasonable and efficient I’d say! It made sense to me that you would deal with a quick something on the way to doing something else. Women are skilled in that way, maybe he felt inadequate that he hadn’t noticed or done that job himself, but definitely was offended by your making a decision all of your own (how very dare you!) and in his mind, deprioritising his orders.  Again, god forbid you should operate independently, and anyway you still went to meet the visitors a minute later so what on earth was his beef?!

You were not rude and it’s not like they were able to see you stop to do something  on the way, and even if they had, I could guarantee they’d have been cool with it.

I often could see much better ways of doing things or simply recognised it mattered not, certainly not enough to have a bust-up over.  Ironic how mine would end up telling me to ‘calm down’, or say ‘big deal’ after he’d started something, eventually I realised and would say it back to him and remind him where it had all begun when I’d been minding my own business.

I hated him telling me he was just trying to help and it was ‘up to me and I don’t have to take his advice, he’s just saying’ but with that tone and look of don’t say I didn’t warn you when it all goes wrong.  This advice always comes uninvited doesn’t it, yet the incredulity when I ever offered my opinion on something, was like I’d questioned his very existence! Remarkably sensitive aren’t they yet very aggressive with it.

Haha yes I said to mine a few times ‘you must wonder how I ever coped before you came along’ and I just don’t think he got it. And I agree with you they manage to suggest and make you feel like you’re so ungrateful, in many other ways too, until I realised recently that it was easy for him to say from a position of always getting his flipping way!

And how I regret never saying to him how ungrateful he was to have me around trying as hard as I was, bending and bending for him, following in his path, doing his activities and interests never mine, doing everything his way, bowing to his orders over matters relating to me and taking his crap.

Yours sounds like he’s playing the victim very well and painting you as the villain. Try to remind yourself of your worth and have confidence in your abilities and judgement. Just because he says something about you, doesn’t make it true. You be your truth and look after yourself, I hope you’re okay.

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

Oh you’ve described my ex to a tee I can’t believe how similar they are.

Your gate analogy, have you also realised that you didn’t trust your own decision-making or were worried enough about his comment, that you didn’t just shut the gate anyway no matter his opinion?

I found myself doing what I was told, against what I wanted to do or felt was best. It left me feeling inferior and pretty resentful.

Occasionally I’d do it my way but of course would get ‘why do you never listen’ and other verbal attacks on my ‘faulty’ thinking.

And I’ll bet if you hadn’t shut the gate, he would’ve barked at you to ‘shut the gate!’ as if you were stupid for not seeing it needed doing. Or you would have at least been second guessing yourself and imagining what he might say, whichever decision you made or action you took.

It’s a horrible state of mind to be trapped in and can you imagine turning the tables on them and how they’d react to being told or ordered in a condescending manner what to do all the time.

It’s definitely about control and the question of holding him up, that reminded me that my ex either complained I needed to learn to slow down as he didn’t like the way I moved around, and his assertion that I would end up breaking something. But other times he’d be irritated at me taking too long, like what gives?!

I remember he put the same pressure on his child, stressing them out before school by getting them up late then moaning at them to eat, wash and dress quickly, saying come on, come ON! Then racing through traffic knowing his child hates being late. So unfair when he was dictating how much time their child had to get ready, which was not enough.

They really do want you to think and exactly as they prescribe in any given moment, but it changes so you just cannot predict the best thing to do which is incredibly stressful.

I remember on the days I wanted to have a drink I would worry about getting one so much that I’d have to take a mental run up to it, or state out loud first what I was going to do or that I fancied a drink tonight. I felt like a child and the adrenaline would start coursing through my veins before I’d even done anything, because I knew even if he didn’t SAY anything about it, I would feel the disappointment and judgement in his micro body language. I absolutely hated it that he was watching me and I didn’t feel like a free woman. Worse that I was painted as someone who couldn’t look after myself or make good decisions, and was potentially ‘not right’ for him after all.

It’s a really damaging environment to be living in and I get why you’re feeling as bad as you do. I hope you’re able to find a way out some day as you deserve a peaceful, supportive existence.

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

You’ve picked up on something I’ve been late to notice, that I am starting to recognise things weren’t acceptable in my own relationship, whether it was toxic, abusive or just not working for me.

It is coming, slowly. Reading these posts has helped, its so clear to see when hearing someone else’s situation, it’s turning the advice back round to yourself that takes time doesn’t it.

You’ve helped massively with that!

Xxxxx

 

[Indeepindance]

Firstly I noticed ‘threats of separation’ which to me says rather than making a firm, constructive decision that the relationship isn’t right for him anymore, and leaving, instead he issued an ultimatum as a way to control the outcome.

Secondly, he is accusing you of withholding sex when you have clearly communicated a boundary for your own body, however it seems he is the one weaponising it by threatening divorce.  Yes he can feel as upset or rejected as he likes about it but if he can’t reflect or speak to you to find out why it’s come to this, and instead manipulate you through fear, then he is exceptionally self-absorbed and controlling.

And he was doing just that before you took sex off the table, asking you for things that you didn’t feel ready for! What planet is he on? Of course he will still ask you for other stuff, they always do, it’s never enough. They’re constantly looking for the problem within you and the scratch will never be itched.

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

Karisqq don’t apologise- I understand the fatigue and feeling you have nothing left at times.  I feel the same and in those moments you must recharge your own battery, not others’. I often Batten down the hatches and go quiet.

You haven’t been annoying either, keep posting when you feel strong enough, and definitely keep reading when it helps.

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

I’m so glad you reached out on here because this forum is what made me realise I wasn’t going mad in what I thought had happened to me, that I’d done the right thing, and that everything I was feeling was recognised and normal. It really kept me going and I still read everyone’s posts.

And I really felt you, just wish I could give you a long hug as I know how impossible everything must seem right now.

Also as you’ve said, this forum is a great demonstration that people do come through it. I found it hard to believe for my situation initially as I think I was feeling it was too unique and no-one will truly understand, but it does come and you will realise there’s so much wisdom and experience from these ladies and that they can see you, from a vantage point you haven’t quite reached yet, but you will as you’ve already taken the biggest step.

My advice would be when you come across material that makes you doubt your decision, remember you will be easily triggered by anything that appears to not exactly fit your experience or situation. I still have moments like that when my blood drains and I think oh no, he never did that to me so I must be wrong! But again, I left and made myself homeless for some reason, that’s all I need to know.

That is a long time to be with someone, you’re even stronger than I thought. You slay!

And you’ve given yourself a chance of a real happy life back. And with everything you have learned and are about to over the coming months.

Yes it will take time, and it resonated when you said you don’t know who you are anymore. Such a sickening and terrifying experience, it took me a few weeks to feel ok going to the shops alone, we had done everything together and I was in a tailspin despite craving doing those things alone whilst I was still with him.

I was so angry with myself for not seeming to know what I wanted and messing with him, and convinced I’d walked away from the best thing I ever had, it’s so effed up. I still have a long way to go, but I have no opportunity to go back, so may as well keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Your emotions will be like a washing machine, all over the place, and you may feel like you have a split personality at times- ride it, allow the tears and the anger, let them flow and eventually they will lessen and you will find yourself reintroducing things into your life.

A few months out and I’ve just joined a gym for the first time in my life, and I don’t care what he’d think about that! I would’ve before as he’s still in my head.

I couldn’t even get out of bed in the beginning even though I wasn’t sleeping. Write your little victories down so you don’t forget, it’s really easy to take them for granted and not notice signs you’re healing.

There will still be things you can’t face (I still can’t watch TV or go into certain shops, listen to music) but all in good time. You will emerge from this a different person but harness it for the good it can bring. Give it purpose. You’re doing great.

Xxxxx

 

 

 

[Indeepindance]

These were all so relatable to read! Really fascinating. And I’ve also been wondering how to channel the anger (which I embrace) in a constructive or less damaging way. My hypnotherapist reminded me to stay in touch with where the anger is coming from and who it’s really directed at, so that it isn’t some poor unsuspecting soul that receives it. So it’s about keeping your response proportionate to the situation which is hard!!

Anyway she then went on to tell me about ‘Rage Rooms’.  They are set up with everyday (breakable) furnishings & items and you get to smash the place to smithereens. I thought WOW that’s what I need! I shall pretend it’s his lounge and swing for the TV. I’ll let you know if I go and whether it helps!

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

Excellent advice above and I can confirm this will be a matter of time unfortunately before you start to see even tiny improvements. Following a basic self-care routine I found so important despite not wanting to move from my bed. I too was off work for a while, living in a stranger’s house and unable to see any future or life for me ever again.

I noticed and started to focus on those little senses that felt familiar and comforting, drinking a cup of tea, taking a bath or shower, splashing my face with cold water,  having a change of clothes, going for a walk or just sitting outside. Really simple basic stuff but I just spent time ‘feeling’ them and trying not to think about anything else for a minute.

I get that feeling of failure, but what you’ve done shows incredible strength, and you’re now going through the shock and have the space to do it. It isn’t wrong, it’s normal, and it will slowly ease but with backwards steps along the way.

It’s sink or swim and you’ve already chosen, you just don’t realise it yet. Trust yourself and your body to repair itself, you will get there.

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

Oooh yes this is what’s been happening to me too last couple of weeks.

I’ve also realised I am angry, noticing gaslighting or at best thoughtless statements by others to me about me, boundary crossers and passive aggressiveness etc. And I’m not standing for any of it anymore.

It’s like a heightened sense for all this BS.

I managed to have a row with my manager and display my annoyance with my roommates for their lack of social awareness or respect last week, which was overwhelming as I worried I was the problem after all, but no, really I think I’ve just had a gut full of selfish and inconsiderate behaviours.

My anger was mostly repressed in my relationship (only his was allowed) so boy is it coming put now…

Xxxxx

[Indeepindance]

Blossom24

This stage is completely normal I think based on my own recent experience!

If I could’ve gone back I would have (even knowing it would not feel good in reality).  Luckily he was so angry he blocked me completely and I was not going to beg. He’s done me a favour.

The pain is insufferable, you’ve lived and breathed this man and now his absence plus the confusion all the abuse has caused you will have sent you into freefall. I felt terrified, alone, grief-stricken and full of regret. I just wanted him to come rescue me and for everything to be back where it was. I didn’t know how I could live without him.

You still remember the reasons and the kids are a great source of strength during those times you wonder whether you’ve done the right thing.

I understand though where your thinking is right now as I still worry I was too hard on him and whether I could have lived with things the way they were. We shoulder a lot of blame and it takes time to start to see through it all more clearly. Very disheartening to hear it takes a while, I’m not a patient person so it was the last thing I wanted to hear!

Months later I still miss him, feel sad, can’t believe we were ever a real thing, think about him constantly.  But I’m starting to feel tiny shifts in how I’m coping, and notice myself not worrying so much what he would say or think about things I’m doing now.

You have done so well to get away into the safety of your family, and if you ever doubt just try to remember how you felt, and that you never would’ve done this for no good reason. Who would up-end their whole life for a misunderstanding? So take heart and trust yourself and your fierceness.

Nobody is perfect but we all deserve respect and boundaries, it sounds like you were allowed none.

Be so proud of yourself and keep talking, it will help.

Xxxxx

 

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