Forum Replies Created
19th February 2022 at 7:04 pm #139314
Brilliant news! So so happy for you, well done, sending love xx
19th February 2022 at 6:57 pm #139312
Fantastic news! Well done!
Sending love xx
19th February 2022 at 6:40 pm #139309
Such wonderful news to hear you finally have a place of your own. Safety and peace is priceless, thank you for reminding me as I’ve been having a wobbly day today.
Sending love xx
11th February 2022 at 5:17 pm #138808
Thank you both for your replies, I did get to spend a few hours with them last week. It was so so good to see them, and we had a truly lovely, easy and fun time together.
They are all ok, I don’t think it will always be this way which is part of the reason he is trying to control it! He knows they’d be happier with me long term.
I am focusing on healing myself and trusting that all will come good. I am so incredibly glad to be out of that relationship, old friends I’ve been in touch with have said I sound like me again!
11th February 2022 at 5:11 pm #138806
This is brilliant, well done! Has made my day. Fantastic for you and your daughter
Sending love xx
11th February 2022 at 5:09 pm #138805
Hey space baby
Sending love, it’s such a hard hard thing to do. They know exactly what to say and do to tug at our heartstrings.
Can you go no contact for a while? I hope being in refuge there is support around you. Or call the National DA helpline they are there 24 hours a day and so great to talk things through with.
Yours and your childrens safety is the main thing, you have shown so much courage.
We’re all here,
11th February 2022 at 5:03 pm #138804
It’s so hard, as Lisa says when living unit we are always trying to figure out what they are thinking and feeling maybe it’s mostly to protect ourselves, so there’s a gap once free.
If I start to dwell in things I go for a walk. Listen to the sounds around me and notice colours, birds, flowers. Moving helps shift my focus.
I suddenly felt I missed him (only briefly) it’s so painful, then I realised I missed what I thought he was. Those times where he showed up as his best self then I realised they were the moments I was tricked and not really him. It’s very sad,
Be kind to yourself, it’s a rollercoaster xx
11th February 2022 at 4:56 pm #138803
This is beautiful! So moving. I have had a fair few wobbles, haven’t been out very long but the peace and freedom and sense of safety is just bliss!
11th February 2022 at 4:53 pm #138802
Wow this is a huge step to take. We’re all here and you know in your heart what is right for you, taking some time and space apart can help give you clarity. Time will tell if his actions match his words, listen to your intuition, it knows and won’t let you down xx
11th February 2022 at 4:46 pm #138801
Thank you for sharing this! It’s really interesting looking back at all the little steps and yes I am out of the relationship but there other ways I can relapse. I still even now have a little shred of hope that the next stage we can work through as responsible adults and then he pulls the rug.
It is such an intricate process of disentangling.
4th February 2022 at 11:34 am #138315
It sounds like grief, it can be such a physical pain and like the tears might never stop. So so hard but completely understandable.
I have found that accepting the feelings helps. Allowing them to pass through me and knowing they will has helped to let them go.
Fantastic that you have joined and exercise class and signed up to volunteer, amazing steps.
Sending love xx
4th February 2022 at 11:14 am #138309
I just wanted to say nbumblebee has nailed it (she is very good at advice!)
And to send you love
You have done such a huge and courageous thing, women are conditioned to put everyone else before ourselves. Give yourself some compassion and grace for all that you have lived through.
We’re all here.
Take care xx
4th February 2022 at 11:05 am #138306
I remember how you describe feeling so well, I haven’t been out long. It’s exhausting, in the end I had tried to say how I felt a few times and he always found a way to talk me round or behave oddly (I see now he just was using different tactics) that made me stay as it threw me off track.
No direct physical violence, very intimidating with looks and gestures and name calling(out of earshot of children) my brain would freeze, i was scared of him and it’s so hard to explain if you’ve never felt that way.
I had to make a plan and leave without him knowing, it went against all the fibres of my being because it seems wrong but it is the only way. It is escaping.
I remember a while back on here a very wise poster said she told herself something along the lines of “I am leaving, just not yet” it stuck with me as it kept the hope alive.
You will get there when the time is right for you.
Build support around you, if you can speak to the wonderful ladies on the National DA helpline it is so reassuring and they can signpost you to other support. And or your local DA charity.
Take care, sending love xx
4th February 2022 at 10:52 am #138305
Here’s the checklist x
Checklist Lundy Bancroft
* Admitting fully to what he/she has done
* Stopping excuses
* Stopping all blaming of her
* Making amends
* Accepting responsibility (recognizing that abuse is a choice)
* Identifying patterns of controlling behavior, admitting their wrongness
* Identifying the attitudes that drive his/her abuse
* Accepting that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process, not declaring themselves cured
* Not starting to say, “so now it’s your turn to do your work”, not using change as a bargaining chip
* Not demanding credit for improvements he/she has made
* Not treating improvements as chips or vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so why are you making such a big deal about it?”)
* Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors
* Carrying his/her weight
* Sharing power
* Changing how she/he is in highly heated conflicts
* Changing how she/he responds to his/her partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances
* Changing his/her parenting
* Changing his/her treatment of her as a parent
* Changing his/her attitudes towards females in general
* Accepting the consequences of his/her actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about those consequences, and not blaming her or the children for them)
4th February 2022 at 10:48 am #138303
Hi there happymoomin,
I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through.
It is possible but most likely knowing these
are the things you want to hear and they will do that to hook you back in.
Time will tell, true change takes an awful amount of work I have a list saved that Lundy Bancroft states are signs of real change but it will take years!
I understand it that An abusers beliefs are very deep subconscious wiring that they can’t just decide to behave differently and it all falls into place. We all hope and they know that too.
Take care xx