Lost lady

[Lost lady]

It is so upsetting hearing how you feel and i know exactly what you mean
My situation is pretty much the same and he had been out of work (again) for a couple of months and i was feeling like i was sinking. Luckily mine has now got a job (detail removed by moderator) so i get a bit of freedom
It feels like being held hostage knowing what to do for the best when kids are involved but i feel numb
I too have lost the main person i could talk to as she said she can’t deal with it any more if i won’t leave

[Lost lady]

Oh Kaybee that’s so sad. You have been so brave getting out of it and i wish i so wish i had your strength
I have on occasion lost it when he is being so incredibly hurtful and never in my life have i been like that, they push to get a reaction. Mine has said many time the kids are not his the same as yours. It gets so confusing, i really feel like i live with two people and deeply loved him but i just never know which version i will get
I have been listening to Dr Carter on Youtube and it is helping me understand it all more clearly
You have done the hard part and deserve to be happy
Lots of love x

[Lost lady]

Hi Whiteroses. Sorry you are going through this too.
It is so exhausting constantly trying to keep them happy and take the blame for everything and heartbreaking when they use your children against you. He is always causing drama then telling the kids i am a bad mom
I’m afraid i can’t offer much advice as i am still in my relationship but i know how you feel.
Mine has threatened to leave many times but never does and i wish he would but when i asked him to leave when he was cheating he refused and said we will always be together
I try really hard to distance myself from him emotionally but i get pulled back in as soon as he uses the kids
I have spoken with help lines and they are very helpful
Stay strong x

[Lost lady]

Thank you ladies for your responses, i hate that so many others are going through this.
Sorry for the long delay, my head got in a confused state and i can’t seem to get my fight back.
Listened to many youtube vidoes about covert narcissism and think i have overloaded my brain…
love to you all xx

[Lost lady]

So sorry you are going through this 😥
It struck me reading this that my husband has always trivialised his abuse to me by saying I play the victim and when he shouts at the kids he says he’s toughening them up for the real world. Maybe a lot of abusers do this ?

I have spoken to womens aid recently , they are very good at rationalising things that do not make sense
Take care x.

[Lost lady]

You have been so brave ❤️
I can’t offer any advice as I seem stuck in my marriage but reach out to womens aid and get all the help you can … one step at a time and be kind to yourself xx

[Lost lady]

Hi Mellow x
I’m still in my marriage but my memory, concentration is awful . I think things are horrendous and decide to leave then things calm down and I think I’ve over exaggerated things . I used to write a diary early days and was reading some of it last week and I can’t remember some things happening but know I wouldn’t lie in my own diary … but I always end up feeling sorry for him 😥
Xx

[Lost lady]

Oh sallysally mine is the same , no matter what he does he always reverts back to things I did (detail removed by Moderator) years ago , they do hold grudges and use them against us. Apparently I smiled at (detail removed by Moderator) in a pub once and all sorts of ridiculous accusations. You don’t have to justify their false accusations x

[Lost lady]

So happy for you Nefertiti x stay strong xx

[Lost lady]

Hi violetwarner
I’m in a very similar situation , been with him many years , mine will not leave so I’m afraid I can’t be any help.
Our house is jointly owned so I’m stuck at the minute . He says we have to stay together for the kids 🤷‍♀️ and is being nicer atm but I know it won’t last.
Speak to a solicitor if you can to see where you stand – you can get half hour free advice from some family law solicitors.
I am trying to distance myself from him in the hope he will admit it’s over
Baby steps and keep posting on here there are sone amazingly strong women on this forum who are very inspiring
Stay strong x

[Lost lady]

So happy that you are free and didn’t let him break you ❤️
You have got me thinking now , I am still with mine and obviously my fog and confusion is still an issue . He is always chatting to other women , his latest being a much younger woman which resulted in him losing his job … but I.never thought of this as ‘supply’ , I always think deep down its because I’m not good enough . I’ve turned a blind eye so many times , he always says it doesn’t mean anything just banter !
Thankyou I am seeing it differently now x

[Lost lady]

So happy you found the strength to leave. You’ve done the hard part which is more than I can do.
I have accepted in my head that I don’t want to be with him any more and trying to distance myself and he has started calling me narcissistic and abusive so yes they do all seem very textbook 🙄
Stay strong ❤️

[Lost lady]

So sorry you have been through it too .
I still don’t understand what they get out of ruining holidays and days out.
I have stayed for too long but can never find the strength to leave and end up feeling sorry for him as I know he is so insecure under all the anger … I now know though that he will never change and it’s having a big impact on my mental health , I’ve doubled my anti depressants and still feel on edge.
I am so scared of losing the kids . He can be very manipulative, I think how he has manipulated me oxer the years and it makes me think how easy it would be to manipulate them.
I really don’t like myself and all for being so weak, I thought the kids would be safer with me here to calm things down and if he got full custody (he has always said he would fight me for them and use my anxiety) and deep down I fear that scenario as I would be unable to help them 😥
How did you manage to end things ?
Xx

[Lost lady]

Thank you for your reply HFH X
We have been together decades too and it’s never been easy, i think my tolerance level has decreased and i blamed myself for many years, but now i see him do it to the kids and it breaks my heart
I was supposed to be at home on annual leave this week but have come to work as i need a break from it
Holidays or days out have always been hell, we literally do not know until the last minute if he is going to come or not and there is always tension and shouting and by the time i get in the car i feel sick
I always had sex with gritted teeth and he wakes me in the night, it’s hard to comply after a day of shouting, but i don’t anymore and i think that is making him worse!
My gut wants me to run but i am so full of fear and scared of losing the kids

Happy for you having the strength to walk away xx

[Lost lady]

Oh Ricepudding this is so heartbreaking to read.
We all know how you feel.
Please speak to your doctors and womens aid helpline , you need support with this
Sending love and strength to you x

[Lost lady]

Aww Better-Days, really hard isn’t it. Mine has always said if i leave ‘he will destroy me and take the kids’ and that has kept me in the situation for so long i now just can’t risk him using them in his game.
I still can’t get my head round how they can use their own children against you
Stay strong lovely xx

[Lost lady]

I am doing just that at the minute. Trying so hard not to bite and just walk away… but like you say it’s never easy.
I have told friends recently and my sister but when you don’t leave they don’t get it, think you have to have lived it to understand that it is so complex
All we can do is keep talking here and get help where we can
Stay strong xxx

[Lost lady]

So sorry you know how this feels
I can’t seem to find the strength to leave, though my reasons have changed over the years. Early days i thought if i loved him enough i could ‘fix him’, then i was scared of him, then blamed myself for things getting worse. I honestly knew deep down something was wrong and now can’t believe i was so naive for so many years. It was hard as so many friends and acquantainces tell me how lucky i am and then it makes me think it is me. Now i stay for the kids, i wish i had left a long time ago, not been stupid enough to think having kids would make things ok.
I’m watching a lot of youtube videos about narcissism and trying to understand how i can ever get out of this without the kids being hurt or losing them… but i do now understand a couple of things now and that is they are damaged and will not ever change no matter how much we do for them, it will never be good enough and they don’t really love in the way normal people do, we are just supply
Sending love xx

[Lost lady]

Hi x there are a lot of similarities with our situations other than mine hardly ever leaves the house .
I moved in with mine the same year we met and he completely changed from the kind loving funny man I had fallen for and was aggressive and hit me , doors and grabbed me round the throat (mainly after a drink but not always) . He was still the kind funny man in public and still is but this made me believe that I was the cause, and it’s took me many years to admit it is abuse and the funny kind man is an illusion
Hoping we find a way to leave , we don’t deserve to be treated this way 😥

[Lost lady]

So happy for you Gerbil x
Every time I see another person getting their freedom it gives me hope ❤️
Stay strong xx

[Lost lady]

Hi glasshalf , hope you are ok .
I spoke to womens aid and they have advised me to speak to (detail removed by Moderator) for help with leaving just don’t know if I have the strength to do it. I feel so torn , do I tolerate his behaviour so the kids life isn’t disrupted or make a stand to be free from this horrible cycle before he breaks me 😥. I don’t really have anyone to support me , my sister is fed up with me going round in circles and never leaving and said she can’t handle it x

[Lost lady]

Thank you tiredofitall, it does give me hope when I read about all the women who have got away from them
Sounds exactly the same , he lasts between a week and 18 months and is fine as long as no one criticised him or tells him he is wrong or hits on women 😫. And no it’s never his fault , nothing is he twists everything so he is the victim
I accepted he would never change about (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and made friends and tried hard to ignore him but he just pushed the boundaries constantly
I planner on leafing when the kids are both 18 but it’s more and more difficult tolerating his behaviour
Sending love , you are so brave xx

[Lost lady]

Eyes wide open you have been so brave to get this far it inspires me that people do manage to get out . I always have thus need to fix him and help him that I can’t shake and it’s hard to stop doing it so I understand how you are feeling.
You have been so brave and done the hardest part . Sending love and strength xx

[Lost lady]

Oh glasshalf we are at a very similar stage . I asked mine to leave after losing his job following (detail removed by Moderator) at work , he’s been in and out of part time jobs our while marriage and is so angry all the time
He agreed to leave , next day said we have to stay together for the kids , then he wants out then doesn’t, now said I have to wait until he gets another job which I know from experience can be 6-12 months 😫
Solicitor said I will have to pay him more than 50% of the house value but this wouldn’t leave be enough to afford somewhere else
It’s making me Ill too and he just Seems so smug about it all x

[Lost lady]

So happy for you finding the strength to leave .
I support the family , he doesn’t work , well he does on and off but packs them in when something upsets him
I asked my eldest how he feels when his dad shouts at him and he said it doesn’t bother him as he’s used to it , then he said it bothers him when he shouts at me and the younger son 😢
I just hope I can find the courage to get out of this one day , I can
Handle him hating me I feel like he does most of the time but I’m scared of causing my boys more pain xx

[Lost lady]

I had been talking to my sister but she told me last week she can’t do it anymore as it frustrates her that I go round in circles but won’t leave. 😢

[Lost lady]

Sorry you feel the same, its such a horrible feeling isn’t it
Glad the therapy is helping you. I did see a therapist (but it was for PTSD after a family suicide) but she picked up on the abuse and we ended up talking about that for another few months. Her advice was to distance myself from him emotionally and build a life for myself, and i have tried to do that for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years but i always get dragged back into it all and really feel like i am back to square one
You too xx

[Lost lady]

Thank you Camel, that advice is very helpful
I have booked in to see a different solicitor next week xx

[Lost lady]

Yes we have to hold on to that hope, we deserve better and know we do.
This is the closest i have ever come to freedom, at least i’ve started talking about it and getting advice
We can do this somehow xxx

[Lost lady]

Thank you so much. Just hoping i can find the strength to get out xx

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