Muddyboots

[Muddyboots]

I don’t know if this will be relevant, and definitely the other two answers were really comprehensive and probably already covered your situation, but just in case this resonates with you, I wanted to mention that I have found my emotions really flattened when I am around my husband. Like it doesn’t feel safe to express anything anymore, so somehow my subconscious has just plugged it all up. I feel very flat and am weirdly, uncharacteristically calm around him. This normally then leaks out in my (over) reactions to other things that are nothing to do with him.

[Muddyboots]

Oh Melonballs, that sounds like a nightmare! Is there anyway you could swap out with your sister, so you stay at hers with your parents and she goes to a hotel? Or is there anyway you could safely persuade your ex to let you have the marital home for a couple of weeks so that you could host your parents there? Or could you get an occupation order to give you the right to your marital home and get your ex out permanently? Or would a holiday camp like butlins or centre parks have some accessible cabins that you could stay in with them?

Sorry if this is all clutching at already discounted straws. It sounds like a genuinely painful situation to be stuck in, and I really hope you find a way to get through it without sacrificing your own hard won safety and peace of mind.

xx

[Muddyboots]

that’s such a good point – how she reacted, what she said, is all about her and her emotions, and not really at all about you and your actions. And I guess similarly, how you’re feeling, the low confidence, is more about you, and how you’re feeling about yourself. If you were feeling healed it might not have hurt so much.

Have you done things that have helped to build up your confidence before? Is there anything you do that makes you feel proud? I was feeling really shit earlier, so I went and did a couple of things off my to do list, and that made me feel a bit better about myself. Only little things like sorting a bill out, but at least now I can say I actually got something done today rather than just felt shit and mopey…

it’s hard to heal without the right help…maybe it’s worth getting on a list for counselling. With luck you might not need it when it comes round to being your turn, but at least it gets you a step closer if you’re still feeling like this in a few weeks

hope you have a great break with your daughter
xx

[Muddyboots]

hello, I can totally relate to this. I had something similar with someone just taking the same tone as my ex at work, and now I pretty much can’t work. I have tried to get over it, but it just keeps triggering all the stress in my head and I kind of freeze up and burst in to tears a lot.

it’s so horrible feeling so broken isn’t it. It feels so unfair how this stuff bleeds into and damages other unrelated parts of our life. It’s like they’ve taken away our ability to react normally, and that makes it hard to feel like ourselves.

have you talked to anyone else in your family about how your gran reacted? Maybe their reaction to her might help put how you’re feeling in a bit of context?

I don’t have lots of suggestions, I just don’t want you think you’re alone in feeling like this. Stuff is weird in our brains right now, we are like a raw emotional wound that even the slightest bit of social salt makes sore. To be fair your gran sounds like she might have gone off the deep end though – what did you do, leave a poo on her cake??

big hugs xx

[Muddyboots]

thank you thank you thank you all of you, that was such an amazing collection of responses!! Totally stopped my head from popping.

I also found it funny that “crack of dawn” got automatically starred out – gave me quite the mental image of a lady called Dawn…hahaha

You ladies make me feel so much better that it’s not all in my head.
A bit of me had been thinking that maybe we should try couples counselling and see if we could get back together (which he is pushing hard for), but now I am wondering if actually he hasn’t changed at all.

I am hating being a single mum, I wish this wasn’t happening. Feels like my wishful thinking might make me quite vulnerable…

[Muddyboots]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your responses – it was my husband that actually wanted me to watch the show, before I realised I was in an abusive relationship. I only watched the first episode before saying I didn’t think it was funny, it made me feel uncomfortable (the climax of the first episode is the partner/mum comes downstairs to find the kitchen trashed, a blood trail and her partner and kids gone and not picking up, she assumes the worst and calls the police hahahahaha hilariously thinking her partner had murdered her children, hahahaha so.funny.[this is all sarcasm in case that’s not clear]).

But I thought I would give it another go given the amazing cast and team behind it, to see if I was just sensitised by some stuff happening at home. Now that I know more about abuse it completely staggers me that this got shown, let a lone a second series was made.

[Muddyboots]

I TOTALLY FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! I’ve kind of left but we have kids together so there is still a lot of contact, and there is a big part of me that wants to try and make it work.

One of the things that has really stuck with me was Lundy Bancroft saying that the nice times, the kindness, apologies, affection are all part of the abuse because they are just as manipulative as they anger or guilt. That kept me strong for a few months. But a bit of me thinks that he really does want to change, and wants to give that a chance, and now I feel stuck because I’m about as scared of letting him hurt me again as I am of leaving him, so we are in limbo.

I agree with the others, don’t take the blame for not leaving, that’s the abuse, he’s got invisible strings attached to your heart and he keeps pulling you back. You’re so strong for trying repeatedly. If anything the issue is that you care more about his happiness than your own, rather than you’re weak. You love him, and we are all conditioned to sacrifice ourselves for the people we love.

You deserve freedom and happiness!! He doesn’t deserve you if he doesn’t make you happy

Xxxxx

[Muddyboots]

Hello getting tired,

I’m sorry things are feeling so awful right now. When we are in the thick of it it’s so hard to imagine ever feeling better or feeling strong enough to be on our own, or that we have any options.

I started listening to this great podcast called the divorce club. Each episode features someone who is on the other side of their divorce, and the really amazing thing about it is these interesting clever successful women talk about the darkest times, when they are sobbing on the floor or locked in a toilet, when everything feels totally overwhelming and unmanageable. And then they talk about how they did actually cope, how they made new and joyful lives. It did 2 things that I couldn’t do for myself. Firstly it made me feel ok for feeling as sh1tty and weak as I did. And secondly it made me see that I wouldn’t be feeling miserable for ever, that if I got away, I could heal and be happier.

Maybe listening to them will give you a sense that you’re not as trapped as you feel, a belief in all the possibilities that are invisible right now but are out there!

Good luck xxxxxxxxxx

[Muddyboots]

Big virtual hugs. How are you feeling now?

[Muddyboots]

This would be a tough choice even if you weren’t in an abusive relationship during a pandemic!

Finding supportive kind ppl at work makes such a difference to how much you enjoy your work, but if it’s not work you love, then maybe it is worth taking a risk? Having a job you love abs are good at (plus brings in more money if it’s full time) might help to boost your confidence and help you feel like you’ve got options?

Can you call the company and have a chat with the hiring manager? Or reach out over linked in? I find having a conversation with the team or manager can give a feel for the organisational culture.

Like someone else says, you don’t have to accept the job if it feels like too much pressure.

Whatever happens, it’s important to remember you’re stronger than you feel right now, cos he’s sapping all your energy and confidence. Good luck, whatever you decide

Xx

[Muddyboots]

yeah I totally know what you mean. that deep confusion, because the conflict between what he says and what he does is overwhelming. I never realised that being confused could hurt so much. like almost physically hurt.

I think it’s cos we are holding two mutually exclusive beliefs in our hearts at the same time, and it’s like they are fighting inside us, and our sanity is the collateral damage.
1) We believe they love us.
2) We believe that people who love us won’t hurt us and will be kind.

And we spend hours doing mental gymnastics to try and make those things both true, but it’s not possible.

For me, the only way to stop the hurt was to decide that he doesn’t love me. At the time that in itself was an excrutiating idea to allow into my head. but it was also kind of a relief. Finally stuff started to make sense. Now when he says he loves me, that hurts, because I want to believe him but I just don’t. But that hurt and sadness is 1000 times better than the swirling feeling of confusion.

I read somewhere (might have been here or in a wise book), that the way to stop them from fucking with your head is to see the affection/kindness/declarations of love and change as part of the abuse. They are saying the things they need to say to control you. Every time I start to get sucked back in, I remind myself it’s a script it’s not sincere. It hurts but it helps.

I found Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft amazing for helping me to get my head straight, plus, it might help you get to sleep if you start reading it…

Sorry for the ramble, but hopefully will make you feel a bit less alone…xx

[Muddyboots]

Hello Bird21,

I haven’t done it yet, but a solicitor told me that mediation is when you’re in the same room together with a mediator and your ex, and the solicitor told me that was a bad idea, because it’s super stressful and if you’re afraid or have been manipulated in the past they can do that during the mediation. She thought something called shuttle mediation (where you sit in a different room to your ex and the mediator goes back and forth between you) might be more suitable and less stressful. It relies on your partner having some level of interest in getting things resolved, and you being clear about what you do and don’t want, because it’s a negotiation. You can’t force your partner to do anything through mediation, so I guess that means if he’s a dick about it, and you just want to get it sorted, you might end up with less than you could win in court. But taking it to court could cost more than that’s worth…

If you think there’s a chance he’ll force it to go to court, I would recommend keeping a diary of all the little (or big) nasty things he’s doing at the moment and how it makes you feel, so you’ve got a recent record of how he is continuing to abuse you, which can be used as evidence against him.

Good luck, keep us posted, especially what you learn about what does and doesn’t work and when things go well!

[Muddyboots]

this is such an amazing response, exactly the sort of thing I was looking to find on here, thank you so so much.

bloody hell this is so hard isn’t it.

[Muddyboots]

thanks so much Ocean. Maybe if I don’t mention their dad at all, that might be the way to go, and focusing on the positives, rather than saying what I don’t want or highlighting the negatives. So saying things like “I want to feel happy and safe and loved in my home, and that’s why I have chosen to live here just the three of us”?

hmmm, I am not sure they will let me get away with that. Also the last explosive anger moment was a few months back now, so maybe won’t feel that salient to them. They won’t be aware of the manipulation and gas lighting that has been relentless, as I am in the “love bombing” phase while he tries to where me down

But if I say “we don’t love each other and make each other happy anymore” then that totally glosses over the abuse part. Thing is I know my husband is telling them he does love me, so it’ll make me into the bad guy. He’s also manipulating them to put pressure on me to “get along better with daddy”…so I need to counter act that pressure some how too? Or do I? Do I just accept that I might have to be the body guy in their eyes for now?

But maybe I don’t have to lump it all together in this first conversation? Is it better to let the kids bring up the abuse as and when they are ready, because we will have a life time of coming to terms with what has happened?

[Muddyboots]

Thanks Lisa, I appreciate your advice – it is a heartbreaking time. I am dreading talking to the kids. I would love to hear from others with kids in the (detail removed by moderator) age range about what worked, or didn’t work with their own kids

Cheers
Bootsie xx

[Muddyboots]

Forestwalker, you’re amazing!!!!
It was so cool how you listened to your body, and did what you needed to do to feel safe [imagine those little dancing emoji people here]

Please keep us up to date on things, because it’s always so nice to hear positive stories of people getting out and doing well – gives the rest of us hope

Do you have a friend who could read his emails to you, so that you don’t have to? Or could you give him a time and date when he can get his stuff and if he doesn’t show up then you leave it with a mutual friend and then it’s done?

Now you know that all the love bombing is just another form of manipulation, does it feel different to you? Or does it still feel sincere?

Big hugs and high fives
Bootsie xx

[Muddyboots]

Hello everyone,

I wanted to chip in and say (if it’s not too late) I too totally relate to feeling paralysed in the situation. It’s been a rollercoaster of reasons for me. To begin with I was completely in denial that it was that bad, and it took quite a few of my friends and family being firm to make me see the truth. It’s kind of amazing how strongly our hearts can blind us, and make us cling to the distant memory of romance or the occasional grain of kindness

Then after I thought oh sh*t this is really bad, I need to leave I was paralysed by fear that I couldn’t do it. I didn’t think I would be able to run the household, look after the kids, still work. I just thought within weeks we would be neck deep in laundry and washing up and clutter. It’s taken a while, but I am slowly trying to detangle the thread of truth (that I am messy and disorganised) from the abuse that I had internalised (that I didn’t know how to be a mother, that I couldn’t cope by myself). And I have tried to do things to make myself feel braver and stronger, like I have booked an appointment with a declutterer to teach me how to be a tidy person and get rid of stuff, and I went to the GP to get some anti anxiety medicine to try and help me be better at work (rather than tearful and easily overwhelmed as I am at the moment).

I also told a lot of friends and a few colleagues about the situation, which has really helped too. Firstly, everyone has been super nice and kind and supportive. (Does anyone else find it really hard to take up all the offers of help though??) and secondly, knowing that a lot of people know has created this kind of peer pressure that has stopped me from snuggling back into cosy denial and papering over the cracks. It’s helped me stay strong even when I haven’t wanted to

The last bit of the rollercoaster has been getting up the courage to ask my husband to move out. I’ve had to do it several times over several months. Each time he’s negotiated for something smaller than actual separation. It’s been so painful and hard, but it definitely feels like a tortoise and hare type situation. I feel like I am making slow incremental progress, even though each horrible conversation has been a failure on paper. I never get what I want, but I get an inch closer to it.

He still isn’t actually gone, but my contact with him has been reduced to a few hours a week, and it’s helped a lot.

Sorry for the really long post, I guess what I am saying is, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can start small. Maybe just a day a week outside of the house, or just having a bag of things somewhere else, so you know you can go spontaneously. And recognising the worst voice inside your head is the abuse, it’s not you and it’s not true. And the bits that you don’t like, you can change.

Big hugs to all you amazing women doing really hard stuff with bravery and strength
Bootsie xx

[Muddyboots]

Hi Forestwalker,

How did it go? Has the building work finished? Were you able to get your abuser to leave? In your last post you said “Its crazy how I hope that he will cross the line and physically hurt me, as then I will feel justified in throwing him out” and I totally know what you mean. My partner has only been physically abusive once, and I found for months that I was hoping he would do it again, so that I could be sure that kicking him out was the right thing to do. It’s taken me a long time to realise, making me feel frightened and unloved was the deal breaker, and all that has been happening for a while. You don’t need anymore justification, you’ve got all the evidence you need.

Good luck, I really hope you’re ok
Bootsie x

[Muddyboots]

Hi GT, I’ve had mixed experiences telling my family. I told my sister the night he hit me, I was so shocked and upset and didn’t know what to do. In many ways she was amazing cos she stopped me from diminishing it in my mind, and for the first time helped me to see it was an escalating pattern of abuse, not a one off freak moment of violence. While her firmness did also make me feel a bit defensive, it stopped my mind from shimmying back into the “what could I do differently next time” space where I take on all the blame.

I held off telling my parents about the violence or abuse, but as I had kicked him out I did tell them we were having problems. Cos my mum was so worried about him I felt frustrated with her and ended up telling her everything to try and win her over to my side. She was really shocked at what he had done but was also still thinking along the lines of “maybe if we help destress his life he’ll be nicer”. So then I got her and my dad to read the Lundy Bancroft book to understand the nature of abuse better so they could avoid pandering to him and support me better. Talking to ppl, especially family members, about abuse when they don’t understand what it really is or what causes it is horrible, so I strongly suggest you ask them to do some reading so that you don’t have to educate them yourself. Also then I think it’s easier to ask them to do things (like blocking them) that they might otherwise resist.

Hope that’s helpful, good luck!
Bootsie xx

[Muddyboots]

Hi Bubble gum, I don’t know what the official rules are on what you have to tell/not tell your boss. Have you been signed off by the GP, if so what does it say on your GP slip?

I told my boss what happened, and I’m really glad I did cos it’s helped a lot because they’ve been really kind, not put pressure on me, and once I’d said it I didn’t need to say it again. I’ve kept all my contact to phone calls, nothing on video, so they can’t see if I cry/am all puffy. I was so stressed about telling them, just cos saying it out loud is so hard and scary. I think part of the reason I find it hard is because I’m kind of in limbo/denial that it is really abuse and every time I tell someone it’s a bit like reliving it/making it a bit more true.

Loads of luck for your formal meeting, I hope they are kind. If anything I feel like they might be more kind if they understand what you’re really dealing with.
Big hugs
Bootsie

[Muddyboots]

Thank you ladies! It takes so much energy to reach out for help, doesn’t it? I would never have guessed that…I feel like the system isn’t really geared up to acknowledge that, so it requires endless calling and form filling and waiting for responses, and each of these takes away a little piece of you. I guess it’s not that shocking considering how underfunded most things that just effect women are, but it’s still just feels like another form of abuse in a way…

[Muddyboots]

Thanks for the reply, it gave me the strength to try again. It’s so draining trying to find the right therapist. Just explaining the situation to a new person wipes me out for the day – what videos have you found most helpful?

[Muddyboots]

Thanks ladies! I’m so glad I don’t work with him, that would be awful, you must be so strong celeanor!

You’re probably right Kip, I should just keep it simple. I just feel like if I say “personal issues” they’ll think it’s something wrong with me, I don’t want them to think I’m weak. But I guess I kind of am at the moment…I’m a shadow of my former self. I’ve been off for weeks now and I still don’t feel I can make it through a day without crying and I am hardly achieving anything. I’m lucky my boss is supportive cos otherwise I would be in big trouble. How long does it take to put yourself back together???

[Muddyboots]

Haha, can you come do mine too, while you’re in the mood 🙂

You’re totally justified in your anger. This is a rubbish situation and ppl siding with him is soooooo annoying. I am definitely not defending them, but I have found that ppl I love and I know love me have at times taken what feels like my partners side, and it hurts and it makes me question myself and think I’m exaggerating/being unreasonable. And then I read here or just think about it and think that mainly ppl say this stuff because they don’t understand the dynamics of abuse. They assume that the normal rules of a healthy relationship apply, so if he’s being angry it must be cos I did something…

So I guess what I am saying is ask yourself, is it cos they don’t understand, and if it’s that, then ask them to read up on abuse. And if it’s cos they just aren’t who you thought they were, then that’s sad but at least you know and you can focus on the true friends.

Big hugs and more power to the rage xx

[Muddyboots]

Hello, just thought I’d send a Sunday afternoon hug. I admire you so much for getting out, Even though it feels so hard to do xxx

[Muddyboots]

Oh Bambe, reading your stuff feels like a mirror image of my life. I had the same, the going on and on about how Unfair the lack of sex was when we had small kids and no sleep, how the smallest things could set him off, but other times he could be so kind and affectionate. Over the last few years we have had counselling and conversations about how he frightens me sometimes, and he even agreed to get anger management but never did. He’s told me and the kids to f*ck off and called us names, and when I have said it isn’t ok he’s told me I was over reacting, or I had started it, or work was stressful. He said I was stupid to be frightened because he’d never lay a finger on me. Then he started calling me a bully and abusive. And in between all this we would have some nice times. Then a few months ago he got angry and hit me. Afterwards he blamed me for winding him up after he’d had a really bad day. He said I exaggerated what happened, that it hadn’t been that hard. But I had a bruise that came up later and he couldn’t deny that, he just ignored it. In some ways I am so glad it left a mark, cos otherwise right now, I would have convinced myself that it wasn’t that bad, that probably there was something I could have done differently, that it was just a one off… even though I have the evidence I still can’t believe I am in an abusive relationship, I’m still trying to make it work. I keep finding myself hoping he’ll hit me again so that I can feel certain I should leave him. That probably sounds mad, but I’m so confused, I so desperately want to believe that now he is being nice and kind again that it’s all water under the bridge and things will be better but there’s a bit in my brain that won’t let me trust or relax. So I’m in limbo. The two books that have opened my eye are “the verbally abusive relationship
“ and “why does he do that” – the first one in particular highlighted loads of things that I had thought were part of a normal relationship but are actually abusive. It’s been really painful because it’s made me realise that this relationship that has been a defining part of my adulthood and my sense of self worth has never been what I thought it was. What I haven’t figured out yet is whether it can or should be saved. The best bit of advice I’ve read is: focus on your feelings – If you’re feeling bad after something he has said or done, and you don’t feel able to talk to him about it, if you don’t feel emotionally safe, then something abusive has just/is happening. Sorry for the long post, you sound like you’re doing amazingly, your kids are super lucky to have a mum who nurtures and protects them and will make sure they are exposed to things that are good for them, even if it’s really hard for her. Your post has really helped me xx

[Muddyboots]

Thank you Hetty and Hawthorne! Do you guys find when people are kind it makes you cry? I wonder why that happens.

If you could turn the clock back, do you wish, once you’d realised it was abuse, that you just gave up and ended the relationship straight away? I still have so much hope we can fix it, but I wonder if that’s actually just fear of being alone in disguise…?

He has a lot of good qualities and I love him. I don’t want to walk away. I have never been in a non abusive relationship, I’m not sure I believe that there is anything better out there. And I am filled with fear and dread and a complete sense of doom at the idea of being a single mum. How do I get my head clear and brace?

[Muddyboots]

I haven’t gone through occupational health for this situation, my boss has just been great and given me the time I need.

I don’t think you need to include occupational health unless there’s long term adjustments that you think you’ll need, otherwise an honest conversation or a GP’s note is probably enough, but others might have different experiences?

[Muddyboots]

Hi bubblegum, I’ve been thinking more about your situation, and wondering, ahead of the formal meeting, whether it’d be helpful to have an informal chat to find out what your boss/hr want to cover and achieve in the conversation? You could ask if there’s anything you could usefully bring or prepare before hand. The other option is you could ask if you can have someone to be there with you for support, either someone who is a formal advocate (big organisations will have volunteers or union reps that can do this) or just someone you trust as emotional support.

Also have a think about what would help you when you return to work, perhaps short days or lots of breaks? Avoiding particularly stressful meetings or people, or even just nothing requiring speaking to many people or video calls?

I’ve found the biggest trigger for me crying is weirdly ppl being kind or praising me, so I’ve tried to limit feedback to written stuff so that I don’t cry in front of anyone.

I have to admit I still feel weird not telling ppl at work, like I’m lying to them, but I’ve also found no one really pushed it, so there isn’t pressure to say more than I feel comfortable with.

The thing I’ve found trickiest, is with the ppl who know, feeling like I need to explain why I haven’t left. I worry that they will lose patience and think I’m being stupid for having stayed with my partner, or maybe suspect me of exaggerating the situation or something. But probably that’s in my head.

Good luck dealing with it, and let us know how it goes!
Bootsie x

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