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Iliketea- Just wanted to say, great news for getting out lovely.

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@newboundaries how can i request that only i pick child up?

Do you mean request vua court order or via him or childcare setting??

Thanks so much everyone, i wouldnt be without you all.

Much love xx

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Have I asked this already – Can anyone answer whether –

– I have a right NOT to tell him where I’ll be living with our child at this early stage ??

I am standing my ground and repeating firmly I dont have to tell you

This is his main focus to find out this information – (of course it is)
I say ‘I dont have to tell you where it is’ and that I’m uncomfortable having you know the address at this stage’ and that this doesn’t mean you wont have some time with child once we agree.

Obviously, telling him directly my reasons would make me feel much more vulnerable because I dont know how he would react, and ultimately I just need to know I do have a right not to tell him.

As another day goes on, I am closer to saying no more phone calls – and to communicate regarding child via text & email from now on.

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Thank you for your replies, thats all been soooooo helpful already.

If anyone has more to add, tips advice….

Straight away hes suggesting an overnight stay, all child knows is mummy putting to bed….chikd doesnt go to sleep with him…. plus too soon with a lot of change for child, definately definately not in childs best interest.

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😘😘😘😘💜💜💜

Thinkung of you – pm me anytime or just a quickie xx

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yeah pretty similar seaglass, except i left this week. eeeeeeeeeeeek

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Bump x

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Seaglass- Good question, conflicting advice makes this so difficult.

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@iliketea i was just also gonna ask you for an example you may have thought of regards suggestion of contact initially…. like 1 weekend day to start with only and see hiw it goes, not over night…?

Saying that child is prioirity and it this is …truthfully will be a huge thing for child to stay over night with just daddy…basically never happened, only goes to bed wuth me her wholelife too…..

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Thank you – iliketea

Bumping up x

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But if i have an opportunity go go very soon… i just dont know how to play those hours & days after & the week ahead, him demanding to see child, him stating i cant keep child away from him,etc etc

Could i Play on me & child needing time out , its so bad for child to hear any more verbal abuse towards me & between us and that im making the decision to not expose child to it…. and hope that gives me some breathing space & time (that would also give me the space to settle in new place and seek more advice)…

i could let them speak on the phone at the very least at this stage……???

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Thanks for replying @diymum@1

Where do i go from here then……

I will have to be doing all this in the next week too it sounds like….

So do i need to visit a solicitor asap & also therefore need a load of money (im not entitled to legal aid in my circumstances)

If its just a court order for contact at this initial stage, is that a smallish possible solicitor fee then in theory?

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I’ve put all my everything energy this year plus into doing it and how etc…. although I have constantly thought about him being daddy still and that happening without me around is always on my mind…. but where do I get proper advice about what’s acceptable & the level of anything that might or might not be directed at child???

So what…? I leave (one huge crazy thing to land in his life) he’s already possibly going to be vulnerable, feeling abandonment, with this then out of the blue I say oh and you’re not daddy to child anymore …. 😔🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
I know what you are saying, obviously child is priority, but only I know what he’s like, and on what level…. what if he’s ok with a little contact that’s controlled, ??… I definitely need help here don’t I…

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I keep coming back to this post…. so comforting 🙂🙂🙂🙏😘

@Balloons – so i also really like your reply in how you planned it and treated the end, the main goal as a planned booked holiday.

I will pm you to chat more if thats ok x

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Lottieblue
So where are you at?

I’m committed wth regards I’ve put so much of my stuff subtly & in drips in storage all over, I’ve got friends help, some childcare help, financial help, everything in place, new appliances & furniture in hand…..

Also I totally get you are waiting for that vile behaviour to really help you go….. my time span is about 2 weeks away give or take depending on stuff, I won’t necessarily get a real vile behaviour, (or it probably is vile if someone else witnessed it and opened my eyes even more)… but what I am getting already in the last couple of days and most of the week are enough snippets of disrespectful words directed at me and some passive aggressive digs & gross verbal behaviour towards child that now ive learnt is scapegoating stuff too.

I write down these incidents daily…but tbh I only feel that raw emotion in the moment it’s happening and feel the fire in my belly and just want to say stuff the marriage, I’m not living this way with you any longer… but child is always there and it’s tea time often lol… I’m trying to keep the peace and not bite back to things like ‘You’ve got an answer for everything haven’t ya’

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🙂🙂🙂🙂😊😊 thank you lovely xx

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justhadenough – you are right….. its the scariest thing being so alone doing it too……thank you. pm me if you want. might help us both.

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So so so grateful for your reply so quick too…very very helpful.

I agree with conflict thing, be the better person in a way and definately show that control i have, yes makes sense….but still, i cant imagine just fleeing with not a word, i feel i would forever more overthink & analyse my exit mainly bc of how itlooks and what he will say about my actions and me and then wth others too i suppose…

I obviously have deep issues re what people think of me…which seems to set me back a lot..

will check in tomorro too…i must sleep xx.

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So helpful….very grateful for your initial post and all the great replies.. THANK YOU ALL xxxx

Just as im get really really stupidly close to somehow leaving… tenancy drafted, awaiting date and feeling so sick thinking HOW im going to do this still with a little one too…
Terrified, overthinking…..need all the help, advice

Thank you thank you thank you xxx

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Hey cantmakedecisions,

I literally need to ask this same question. So thought id see if you had any replies yet.

I cant stop thinking HOW….

Mine is always home, working, rarely going anywhere, im putting stuff away and want to take these things too….

Bumping this post up

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following –

as I can relate a lot. this might bump your post to the top again too for other replies

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Following obvs x

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Thanks Lisa. Ive not used chat, but i will give that a go. I suppose id have to give a background brief again to each person i speak to, gets exhausting but has to be done. I have considered options including refuge, but struggle to think of veing in another town or county. Id sooner be with a sibling if it came to anything like that.

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Hes gaslighting you for sure….he was actibg like a huffy puffy teenager or child but hes denying he acted that way to not make him look stupid or be pulled up on his behaviour & and making you think its all in your head.

It can be subtle, and hard to see, this is what mine does.

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Cantmakedecisions – Pm’d you lovely

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Just read and also put these questions to a professional. Will come back to you with reply x

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Folliwong for advice too pls –

How is this looked at in your opinions..

He earns the large main wage, i worked f/t for (detail removed by moderator) yrs, health deteriated, stopped work for (detail removed by moderator), then nxt (detail removed by moderator) years either p/t employed or self employed. Now not working due to health, now married and child, but i have no access to the main income or do i know where it all goes (a lot into savings & pension fund) but i have no access or no idea how much. I have my benefits to use for shopping & child and everything i need, & he’ll give me a small sum monthly to top up. Makes me ask for any extra, but this is rare bc of how uncomfortable it feels and ends up being stressful so i dont.

Thanks

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why is 50/50 contact not advised or good in these situations?

thanks

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bumping up to see if anyone can reply with any words of wisdom – thanks very much

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Iliketea – i see you mention watch youtube vudeos – what sort of thing? What do i search for?

Thanks

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