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Thanks TS, I really appreciate you coming back to me. That’s so true, it doesn’t matter what the trigger/realisation is, it’s just that you see it and do something about it. It’s true I know what i know and I will do it, I feel more ready than I have in a long time. Just need to be brave and take the final leap. Thank you again and thank you for sharing your experience, I always find it encouraging here, we are a bunch of warriors, no matter where we are on our journeys. Thanks for all the support x

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ISOPeace – thanks for starting this, I agree it is such an interesting topic. I had heard of trauma bonds before and how they are typical, especially in narcissistic relationships. However, I hadn’t realised just how they worked or the reason for me being stuck until I’m pretty sure it was you who kindly pointed it out. I appreciated that so much, it’s one thing to know about something, but quite another to look at yourself. I love the idea of a sponsor and someone you can call and who can remind you of why not to go back, but putting it like that is so good. I’ve written it down.

I haven’t watched any YouTube videos for a while and I watched this one earlier about why you are stuck. They talked about how over the years they erode your self esteem so you don’t feel good enough and how that can be in the back of your mind without you realising. How you need to fix yourself otherwise you just end up in the same cycle. That hit home because I realise I still have a very negative internal dialogue, or think that being with someone else would make me happy.

Your post has made me think, I’m going to do some research and see what I can find xx

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Congratulations!!! That’s such lovely news and you can do this, they have already seen your potential :-D! It will be so good for you and give you the boost you deserve and need. All the best x

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Well done, sounds good! I will have to have a look :-). You can set up a Just Giving page (no idea how as others have always done it!). But that way you can ask for sponsorship and then can just go on to the page donate and you haven’t got to have the bother of collecting in sponsorship. As to why you are doing it, you could just say, there has been so much in the news about the increase in cases and stress on charities during lockdown you wanted to do something for them. It’s true, there has been a lot re domestic violence, so you can keep it generic for people who don’t need an explanation.

Good luck with the run 🙂 xx

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Auriel – that would be a great t-shirt ;-)!!

I found these quotes this morning on pinterest and I thought I would share it:

“I’m proud of you. The truth is, if most people really knew your story and all the things you’ve been through, they’d probably wonder how you’re still smiling. So, if you don’t hear it from anyone else, I’m proud of you” – Coach I am Enough

“Don’t make someone else the hero of your survival story. After all you’ve been through, you deserve the credit. No therapist, conference or book took those steps for you. You did. Nothing can touch the depths of how hard you’ve worked to overcome. You should be so proud”

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Auriel I love this thread and it’s so encouraging to read everyone’s experiences and what has helped them. Like secretlife I’m still here but this is what’s helped me:

– Dr Ramani and Dr Les Carter YouTube Chanels.
– This forum and the amazing ladies on here, to everyone for being brave to share their story, even a little bit. To know you aren’t alone or going bonkers!
– acupuncture – if anyone can do this, then would thoroughly recommend. It has been life changing!
– Reading ‘why does he do that’ and the Freedom Programme – thanks to the recommendations on here. Again really really interesting information and once you have had the revelation – you just can’t unsee what has/or is happening.
– Exercising, but finding what I enjoy and sticking to it. No stress, just go and have fun.
– cleaning, I got to the point where I just gave up on everything. But now I have the energy and desire to do jobs, not that I love my home. I don’t, it’s not really my home. But just because it’s chaos because of him doesn’t mean I have to live like I was.
– Re-setting my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept anymore. .
– Finally realising/accepting that the few things I do have, are just that, things. If I need to get out quickly, I can and everything can be replaced.
– writing everything down from the beginning of our relationship.
– Talking to family and friends, not being ashamed to say what is or has happened.
– Realising that I’m still here, because I chose to be. Not because I am scared to leave. For now it’s a bit ‘calmer’ so during this time I can work on me. y
– when people pay me a compliment, I try to take it and just say ‘thank you’, rather than feel the need to come back with some sort of sarcastic humour designed to put me down.
– Cutting out toxic people where I can.

These are a few things, but I definitely feel there has been a shift in me. I’ve also had friends/colleagues say to me that I am different, that there is shift if how I am. So yay, it is working – but that is a big thanks to you ladies. I feel that in the year I’ve gone from victim, to survivor and dare I say it transitioning to thriver mode :-)!! Because from here on out, whatever happens, I will be ok. I can look after myself, I work and I’m a kind person. Thank you again, we really are much stronger than we realise and we should be proud of how far we have come. Because we have all made huge steps, but we had to do that, no one else could do it for us! xx

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Hey Secretlife, this is so good to hear well done! I’ve also had friends say the same about me this year and one I haven’t seen for a couple of years! It makes you feel so good doesn’t it and give you a real boost, like you’re going in the right way. I think the spouses figure something is going on, but hey that’s their issue! Its good to have some supportive friends and like you I’m blessed with that. I think for others, it’s not that they don’t care, they either don’t really understand or maybe they can’t cope and that’s fine. Well done and keep going, it makes you stand a bit taller and your post has made me smile, not been here for a while so worth looking just for this 🙂 x

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Vaavaavoom, I’m also pleased to hear you are getting out and the advice above is so hopeful. The last time I almost went, I said at the time and then I got the physical threats, threats to loved ones and finally the crocodile tears! I am still here and really wished I’d gone. If you have anything that really means a lot to you are you able to get them out? I have stuff stashed all over, but it does mean that now when I’m ready I have very little that I need to grab. But definitely most important is your safety, big hugs and you are a strong lady! x

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Auriel I love it 😀 that’s such a good quote made me chuckle too. I also love this one “The best revenge you can get on a woman who steals your man is to let her keep him.” posted by wants to help near the beginning of this thread!

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Thank you both for sharing your stories here. It is so encouraging to hear the positive steps you have each made and how you are progressing. I love the positivity about being single, I needed to read these and be reminded that it is ok. I have definitely felt a shift since doing things to take back my power, I’m getting there 🙂 – thanks for sharing xx

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These quotes are great, I love them all thanks Littledove for bumping them up. I love the messages you can get from kids films too.

I am definitely an autumn girl and love this quote: “Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go.”

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Hindsight is a wonderful thing and we just didn’t know, like secretlife said, most of us thought of domestic abuse as physical violence and I guess it’s only recently that the law in this country has accepted coercive control is abuse. It’s so easy to beat ourselves up for not noticing or why didn’t we do this or that and why not sooner. I watched a really helpful YouTube video and they were saying this about forgiving ourselves for what we didn’t understand then for what we know now. I liked that, because it’s easy to beat ourselves up, but we didn’t understand. Maybe instead of beating ourselves up for what hasn’t happened, we can look forward at what we can control. I’m so pleased you have a job and can get out of the house. I don’t know how your finances work, but definitely make sure you put some aside for yourself, get a bit of savings going. Take care and stay safe x

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This post is so helpful, thank you nbumblebee for posting. I understand where you are coming from, I am still to make any move. At the moment I am struggling with not being sucked into it being ‘ok’ at the moment. I have found all of the responses so helpful. I also really like Dr Ramani’s YouTube videos and actually you might find those helpful, because she says that not everyone can or wants to leave. But she tries to help you so you can change how you view your relationship. So rather than being there because you haven’t any choice, you are choosing too for a specific reason that you know. Although she does also say that once you see it, you can’t unsee it and that is where I have got too.

I also found the freedom online programme really interesting and helpful and also need to get on reading the lundy bancroft book. As the others said one day at a time, baby steps. Only you can decide and make a decision, but you are a strong lady and thanks for coming here and sharing x

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I agree with kip – let the NHS/GP/family know and let them deal with it. If you get a call threatening they are about to do something then 999 and report it. Let the authorities deal with it, he isn’t banking on you doing that. Mine will make those threats from time to time, last time I asked if he actually had a plan because if he did I would have to make some calls (it was safe for me to say at the time). But people who sadly resort to taking their own lives, don’t blab about it or use it as a threat – they just go and do it. It is emotional blackmail and another way to keep you stuck. It is so easy to just become immune to the threats, I think because sometimes you just wish they would get on with it. I know that’s a terrible thing to say and/or think, but it’s how it’s affected me.

Also as has been said domestic abusers don’t often look the type (whatever society has them portrayed as). But if they see red, then who knows what they are capable of. Please keep yourself as safe as you can xx

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I get it, I’ve got to the point were I feel absolutely nothing. I don’t want to be in the same room, I don’t want to have any sort of conversation. I keep so much to myself, because I’ve learnt over the years that it just isn’t worth the breath. At the moment he’s really annoying because he’s trying to be all nice, but yes when he asks (he does a lot) if I’m ok, I just respond fine. I got a text recently (detail removed by moderator). I was working but just kept getting loads of pointless texts. I try and avoid, I don’t think I always do it very well and he thinks I have a bad attitude, however, I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t care. I do feel slightly sad at times because he can’t see his issues, but I know that I can’t change him. Still can’t tell you why I’m still here though :-(! Thanks for sharing Gazebo, I agree with what you, I find this forum great to ask a question and get it out of your head. Also to read others posts and realise that you are ok and not going mad! Also I’m probably happier discussing things on here that I could no way discuss with my family or even close friends. So thanks to everyone who listens xx

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I have found this post so helpful – thanks for bumping it up. I agree we do need that moment when we SEE what is really going on and is important and once you see it for what it is you can’t not see it. Or at least that’s how I feel. I also joint own but I really don’t care about it, it doesn’t mean anything because it’s all what he wants, i just live here and pay the bills. Still not made the move to go, but it has helped me in planning because I really don’t care. Thanks again for sharing this.

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I just wanted to thank everyone for speaking about the freedom programme – I’m doing it online as that works for me, but it’s been really eye opening for me! I am definitely realising that there has been a lot more abuse than I realised. I would definitely recommend people do this and for me it’s well worth the £12. So thanks again xx

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Dinkyhorse, it only happened the one time and to this day I can’t tell you why I went along with it!! I think it’s difficult because it’s sometimes lots of little things on their own, but when you add them up and write it down and look in black and white you realise what it really is. It’s mad!

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You’re very welcome 🙂 Yes do post where you feel you are able too. The problem is we have been made to feel worthless and that our advice is of no value. But that isn’t the case, everyone on here has value to add, because we are all valuable.

Baby steps and one day at a time, small goals, don’t overwhelm. Someone said to me recently that I may not feel like I’m moving forward physically, but emotionally I’ve made huge steps and that all then adds to the physical movement. So even when we don’t realise we are getting very far, we are doing better than we realise. Take care x

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Cantmakedecisions – I am so sorry to hear about the struggles you are facing. Well done for coming and posting here and I’m sorry that you have been let down by people. You’ve done so well and it sounds like the move has been good for you, now you are starting to settle. Have a look on the Positive Moments boards, there have been some lovely posts on there, the achievements are so encouraging. Maybe that would help, but all I would say is don’t compare yourself to others, don’t be afraid to comment on a post. Although our journeys are unique to each of us, we can still relate and have that moment of ‘you too?’ You also said that you do have glimmers of hope and that is great.

I don’t know whether it would work for you, but something I’ve found helpful is journaling, I don’t do it everyday. It doesn’t have to make sense, I’m not looking for beautiful formed sentences. I also was recommended to write down everything from my relationship. Both of these have helped me to get where I am now, although I haven’t left yet. There is no pressure when doing it, but I found to get my thoughts out of my head and on to paper. To see it in black and white, that it is real, I’m not mad. Then over time more has come to mind, so it’s allowing my mind to start processing what has happened. Also mindfulness has been really helpful to me for calming my mind.

If you can do post on here more because it’s anonymous and everyone understands. I’ve had so many wonderful tips and advice from the lovely ladies on this board, that has helped me and made me stronger. Just take it one day at a time, baby steps and you will get there. Sending big hugs xxx

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It is so interesting to read the different ways that they interfere with sleep. He doesn’t agree with lie-ins as you’re ‘wasting the day’. He will come in and poke me in the face, or just be loud – he’s always loud. Sometimes I’m allowed to nap and other times I get a lecture on how bad it is to nap in the day and that’s why I’m not sleeping. I used to sleep really well, always had to be in bed at a sensible time and I’ve never been good in the morning. Now he uses that as an excuse for not making me a drink, because he’s tried and I’m grumpy and rude. Well so would you be if I woke you up by tickling your foot, poking you in the face or just being annoying. He will go to bed really early, and if he thinks I’m going to go in too ‘early’ then he will make a comment. So I end up saying up really late and ideally making sure he’s asleep before I go to bed. In the past he’s also forbidden me from going to bed until I’d done a certain chore, or one time I had to sleep on the floor with a blanket, because I wasn’t worthy of even sleeping on the sofa and then he came in and let me go to bed.

I agree the actions aren’t thoughtless, they know exactly what they are doing and sleep deprivation is the worst. Also when you are beyond exhausted (I’ve never experienced tiredness like I do now) then you are more than likely to react to their behaviour and that then feeds their twisted way of thinking. So either way they are winning and you just feel like the walking dead. It’s so encouraging to read the experiences of you ladies who have managed to get out and how you feel better for it. That’s really helpful. Thanks for sharing, it helps to realise that we aren’t alone. Big hugs to everyone xx

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Hey Pinkypanther, thank you for sharing your positive moment that is so encouraging and well done for being brave. I’m so pleased you were happy to wake up. Keep going, you’re doing amazing and it will be wonderful to get your kiddos back home with you where they belong.

I agree they are draining, so thank you for showing the positive moments! All the best in your journey and keep us updated xx

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Thanks Eyesopening – I am so grateful this site was suggested to me. Get some clarity in all the chaos xx

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I’ve googled the Freedom Program, looks really good and I’m going to make contact with my local area.

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Hello upsetandconfused, reading your post pretty much sounds like my situation. You really aren’t alone and there is nothing wrong with you in anyway, please note that. The fact that you have been able to come here and express how you are feeling is a great step.

Like ISOPeace said that she was recommended to look at trauma bonding and I had exactly the same advice, in fact it might even have been ISOPeace :-). That’s really good you’ve been able to download the book and I hope it helps you, I’m currently making my way through it and I’m finding it so helpful. Your description is good, you know you need to leave but feel frozen. As has been said going is a huge decision, the logical part of your brain knows it’s what you need to do, but the other part just seems to be stuck. With the trauma bonds, I looked up how to try to start breaking them whilst you’re still in the relationship. They recommend journaling and also finding a trusted friend or family member who you can reach out too. At work do you have some colleagues or a colleague who you could speak to? I have been very fortunate there and that has been helpful, people who see you on your own and see your worth. We need reminding of that. A colleague said to me recently that by putting these steps in place, even if physically you don’t seem to be making great progress, mentally and emotionally you are and that’s massive.

All the ladies here are so wonderful and supportive, even though everyone is going through a really really difficult situation there is so much love and encouragement. Keep going and we will all find the strength to do what we need to in our own individual situations xxx

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I am so sorry to read everyone’s experiences, but it has helped me to see I’m not alone. I’ve definitely initiated just to get over with. Also mine would be really nice just to have sex and literally as soon as done turn on me and be really nasty or would lay there and then say it’s what I did so why should he make an effort. I haven’t initiated for a long time and try to avoid because I have no drive, no energy physically or mentally. Also I’m reading Lundy Bancroft’s book and found what he said helpful on this point. Also interesting like has been said, when you start to read about what constitutes sexual abuse. I can’t relax either when he’s being nice because I know it won’t last maybe it will for a little while but then it all comes crashing down. Now I just avoid and wait to go to bed until he’s asleep.

Gazebo, as the others have said, please do avoid sending photos if you can. These men aren’t to be trusted!

Sending all you ladies lots of love and hugs, it is so nice to have a safe place to come and talk about these things xx

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This sounds interesting, I will try googling it, but if anyone has a link, that would be helpful. Thank you x

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Daisydream – that is so great to hear. Happy anniversary! xx

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I absolutely love this post/thread! Living Warrior thank you 🙂 and thank you to everyone else who posted. I love all the comments, especially about being kind and not judging others and living a story that we don’t understand. The why are you still in this relationship rung home to me!

My achievement/positive moment was last Friday, I was really struggling with feelings of guilt and then in my lunch break I came on here and read wonderful posts. I reminded me that I having nothing to feel guilty about, that my time will come. I felt stronger for that moment and clearer in my mind. I will get there :-).

I will have to remember this thread and come back and re-read as so many great posts. I’m not a fraud, this is very real and happening and in my time I will act. It will be clear what I need to do and when and a lot of that will be down to you wonderful ladies. Thank you. Sending big hugs back to everyone x

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Hi Isopeace, I have only felt this in the last month or so, felt a shift in how I feel and why I’m here. I am pretty sure you were the lovely lady who pointed me into the direction of trauma bonds, because earlier in the year I was in the position of, I know it’s crazy i’m still here, but I can’t tell you why. I researched trauma bonding and also looked at ways I could practically help myself. Just for me I had to get back in control of my life, admit what the situation was and that it would never change. For me personally, taking on the advice from you wonderful lot, talking to my friends and not being afraid to say what has actually been going on throughout our relationship. Then I finally booked my acupuncture sessions and I really felt a shift in my energy and mental clarity. I was more grounded. He thought I was going for one reason, but it was for anxiety, overthinking, etc. I was amazed at how much better I felt in myself. I felt calmer than I have in a long time.

So now I think all the time I’m here it’s saving me money, but the more I stay the more I realise I just don’t love him like that anymore. I am fully aware of what he would be capable of and I just feel like it would be less scary leaving than being scared or uncomfortable in the place that meant to be your home. I am sure when it actually comes to take the leap, it will be terrifying, but I know I’m stronger than that. Does that make sense? Probably sounds crazy 😉 x

Thank you for all you do, to encourage and help and point us in the right direction. x

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