Tamra

[Tamra]

Hi Moon,

My heart goes out to you. I admire your courage for finding the strength to get out and move to safety. Right now you may feel scared, numb, confused, lost, and in the strangest world but you are safe and loved by many and all the women on here are walking right beside you. Stay as strong as you can to stay away and let yourself feel free to feel the emotional pain and relief so you can set yourself free from this awful monster you have been with for so long. I understand he may have been someone you loved but what he did to you isnt love. Please please dont go back.

If you can find the courage to turn off your phone for tonight it may be a good thing so you can try and get some rest.

Lots of love and hugs xxxx

[Tamra]

Falling Sky’s,
If you can find the strength to fight this though your husband has made loads of mistakes that will go against him in court
1 not retuning papers
2 refusing mediation
3 abuse of course
4 he will be made to sell by the court and you can be the main person that deals with the sale if he is a nightmare about it

Stand your ground if you can. Check with your solicitor you can have him removed under unreasonable behaviour or you can leave due to safety. You have more legal stuff on your side just from this post you have written and the fact you are married you are due 50% at the very least. If you want this to end stick it out and see your solicitor and push it.
Sorry to be tough but you have to push solicitors to get anywhere.
They never change and when he sees he pushes your buttons he will do it more and no they don’t get bored so everything he does actually goes against him.

Stay safe though big hug to because this is such a tough time for you right now

Xx

[Tamra]

Hi Hopesprings,

I agree with KIP, without sounding bossy please phone them now and tell them your story and hopefully they will sort it for you.

Hope you get it sorted
xx

[Tamra]

Marthamoo,

You dont have to talk about the situation with him just let him know your there. Perhaps you could talk about something he enjoys. Boys are hard as they do shut down. His anger will need to be accepted for it to come out but in ways that are safe and you are right he is probably directing at you because your safe but this will need to be explored so he doesnt do anything harmful but you know him best.

xx

[Tamra]

Maggie,
It scary letting go and really heartfelt but there isnt really anything else we can do apart from living in an unrealistic world for us because of course its their horrible world we are living and our wounded parts of self go along with it. Yes I agree this site is fab and the support is amazing xx

[Tamra]

Thats great to hear Maggie and well done for finding the courage to walk free xx

[Tamra]

Maggie,
Thats a great way to get clarity of what went on. I find writing things down and looking over it sinks in bit by bit.
Yes the loneliness is horrible but the fear and anxiety is far worse but this only comes when you really home in on it and feel it. At first I wanted the anxiety because it was all I knew and the way I have lived most of my life from childhood. The adjusting is hard but will be worth it in the end.

xx

[Tamra]

Hi Maggie,
Wow you have been put though hell. We love them because of past trauma which is why most of us write on here about trauma bonding theres is stuff on the internet if you have access to the internet at home or somewhere. They have conditioned us to love them and only them so when we step out off line we are pulled back in to think but its only them and after they have been horrible they then love bomb us so we think its all good until the next time.
If you have fear around him doing to your house phone the police or contact womens aid the first few months after leaving can be the worst but Im not saying this stops or never happens months year down the line. I have been away only for a few months and havnt heard a thing but when I was still living with him he played up big style and he has/add another woman so I couldnt understand why he would play up but its because they can and they want control because your taking back your own life.
If you can stay very strong because all he wants is to control you again. If you get the love bombing that isnt him loving you thats his tactic.
Hes sounds like he has Narcissistic personality disorder or one of the disorders – if you can look up Melanie Tonia Evans she is very good at explaining stuff and finding ways to heal. She went through domestic abuse relationships herself so she knows what shes talking about.

Big hug and stay safe
xx

[Tamra]

Hi Timetomoveon,

Its really hard when our children are involved. I agree that she shouldnt have been forced down the slide, it was meant to be a fun time so i dont see why she should be forced to do something that makes her uncomfortable. You know them best and can see whether it’s control or not. You said you dont trust your instincts however you typed up what you were feeling so I think your instincts are bang on as you have gone with you gut and questioned what you saw and felt.

Him saying get a new wife thats just awful and to pull you back into line by putting the fear of god into to you that hes off so you can massage his ego and make him feel important again. What he could have done is listened to how you feel about what happened and gained an understanding of how his little girl felt too. Mine did that to me all the time -‘Ill get a new girlfriend and show you what a real relationship is like’its horrible and it used to make me feel rejected but I would go into over drive and beg and plead that we will be ok – thats no way to live a life thats meant to be love.

I dont know much about the control you have suffered but your family see behind his ‘sweet’ nature and its hard to face but deep down you know. Sit with your thoughts and feelings so you can get in touch again with your gut feeling, its there trust yourself.

lots of love
xx

[Tamra]

Sugar
I hear your pain right now and I know it’s hard.
If you can ring the helpline as they will talk you though your thoughts and emotions.
You will be ok trust yourself you are a wonderful woman. Give the help line a call nothing will happen they will just support you right now.
Xx

[Tamra]

Thank you Serenity,

Sometimes I just need to find clarity about what has happened and why.

My gut has never lied to me but its only over the last few years that I have begun to listen to it and understand what I was feeling was fear I now dont have the gut feeling of fear of him but now fear of being without him and I sure thats me having fear of being alone

xx

[Tamra]

Yes its a tactic to get you to have contact so he can get in your head

Please contact womens aid help line do not delete that email please keep it as evidence

xx

[Tamra]

Hi Sugar,
The more you say the more I wont to say please please dont take him back, I understand thats easier said than done but hes an awful man and is crushing you and your children. You all deserve to be happy and free from the awful behavior he is inflicting on you. He may show some kindness a few times a week but I bet your still walking on a knifes edge just in case.

Im sooooooo glad you came on this forum as that shows strength, courage and that you are on your way to be free.

If you think his aunt has other intentions than your best interest at heart then I would go with that, gut feelings are the best way to understand how you are feeling and what your picking up from others, however you know her better than i do.

Stay safe and again please ring women’s aid for support

Big hug
xx

[Tamra]

Hi 2BFree,

All the best for the next week

Stay safe

xx

[Tamra]

Hi Marthmoo,

I also read post you out on another thread. To be honest Im not surprised your son is acting the way he does when his father has said such awful things to him – like leaving home and then he will have you all to his self, and he had you first – what a ……………………………
Your son will know deep down that you care but if you can I would try and reassure him, he may resist at first but you can show him in many ways, I bet hes feeling fear that you will leave him or push him out like his father is telling him.

I believe these men are different with female or male children depending on which way they go – they girls made to feel like princesses and be what daddy wants, turning them into slaves or make the boys into nasty abusers and show them how to treat women or how women should be treated, in their world of course or they feel threatened by either sex and do what they need to feel safe for themselves. Its a mind field and very complicated.

My daughter was treated differently to my son, they werent my ex’s though, he didnt like my son one bit and was very jealous of him so my son just stayed in his room and didnt integrate with us, to be honest I did tread on eggshells and goaded my children to stay in their rooms, I did it in a way so it was fun but clearly it wasnt is was just so my ex would have my undivided attention. I feel now that I have lost out on their younger years but Im making up for it now, my son will sit with me and watch TV now and chats to me and hugs me. He even comforts me when Im upset too. Both my children hate my ex and do get very angry about him, I let them vent so it releases any angry emotions to free them from pain.

The two things that stick in my mind was when my son was under the age of 10 he said to me ‘why does …… look at me funny?’ I brushed this off and said no he doesnt , this showed me I wasnt listening to him and the other was when he was older he said ‘Why do I have to talk to ……. first how come he never says hi or anything first?’ I told him because he (my son) is a nice, caring, respectful boy, that should me that my ex isnt a nice person as he believes everybody should respect him respect is learnt not just given, so I these men dont show it how do they younger people learn about respect, its a two way street.

Now if I had my time again and knew then what I know now, I would have shown my kids they were more important to me than him and left and never gone back. But i didnt and I went back for more.

Sorry I went on a bit hope i didnt miss to much of your needs. Show your son you love him that the best advice i can give you but it wont happen over night so stick with it a little bit at a time. never say and im sure you dont, ‘your just like your father’.

Big hugs because I sense this is a tough time for you xx

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