tobehappy

[tobehappy]

Sunshinerainflower,

You are just like me!!!! I have done all if that research but cannot stop worrying. Trouble is things have gone wrong and I’ve lost all faith in the system. I research everything deeply. He now feels he has professional backing and the kids are too you to speak up/ or to have their own true opinion.

I just want things sorted to get on with my life. All I do is stress. It’s horrible isn’t it! X

[tobehappy]

Hi Ayanna

I will try rights of women. Thanks. X

He is very sky and manipulative. So far everything is emotional….which is impossible to prove. Kids are too young to see the truth. I’ve never stopped him seeing them but he’s financially motivated and simply wants to destroy me.

The impact of his latest actions could be I that I cannot afford a home for my children. He won’t won’t care and will tell me to work more to pay for one. I struggle to work much due to the emotional stress I’m under.

I just can’t see a way out.

[tobehappy]

I have a phone just for him to contact. He should only contact about the kids but we are sorting court orders etc so he abuses the phone line. I only check the phone when I feel strong enough to deal with the messages. It is on just before the kids go to his and stays on just after I collect them. i leave it on silent so I have to go and look at it when i feel I can.

We were using a contact book but he now refuses to use this so I am treating the phone as if it were a book. Ie he can only send(well I only read) messages when the kids are with him as that is when he would have the book. I only reply to the fact. I don’t respond to anything where he is simply having a go.

Don’t get me wrong there are times when I just have to respond and get it off my chest but the initial relief is short lived as it just gives him more fuel. If the messages get too much I just turn the phone off. Don’t check for messages just before bed, unless the kid are with him as it may be an emergency.

I have come to the realisation that he will always be a **** and the only thing i can do is teach myself to keep him in a box. I have tried to report it to the police but unless is is highly offensive or life threatening there is nothing they can do except record it as a domestic.

At least now the sound of a text message doesn’t make me feel sick, just wondering what he may have said this time. It will help you feel more in control. It will give you time to recover. Often I don’t reply for a few days is I have received a lot of messages as my head just can’t process what to do or say. Once I feel stronger I can put together a reply.

I hope you find something that works for you. Nothing is perfect. xxx

[tobehappy]

My understanding is that narcissists believe they are above others. They are entitled to everything they want. Their family and friends only remain so because they fulfil their needs. They are extensions of their own person. They must have the same opinion as the narcissist. If they do not they will discarded as they have wronged the whole belief system of the narcissist.

They do not feel love/empathy in the same way as “normal” people. They have learned how to “show” these emotions. They are not capable of the true emotion as all they are interested in is getting what they want and doing things their way. They will do anything to have it their way as they are above everyone else and are entitled to have what they want. They do not feel remorse for their actions as they were entitled to do it.

This is a very dangerous personality type. I think it is learned behaviour from when they were a child. One factor I believe is that if they were praised for everything unconditionally they believe that they are always right. They have learned that they can lie and deceive and bully to get what they want and since no-one stops them they carry on. Why would you change if you always get what you want? Thee only reason would be that you were hurting other people but since narcissists do not understand this or do not care there is no reason for them to change.

They will never admit they are narcissistic as it will always be someone else who made them do it. The fault will never be theirs. Why would they be wrong they are always right?

I think they are seeking to fill a void. Perhaps something they did not have when they were younger? Maybe a caring mother figure? They are trying to mould everything around them so they can control this and fill this void. This of course is impossible but they will never stop trying. Once you no longer fill their need then you are discarded as you are simply no use anymore.

If someone is truly narcissistic avoid at all costs as it will be you that gets hurts. They will just carry on regardless.

[tobehappy]

Hi yes I have. It hasn’t worked. I think their are 2 reasons why mediation is not recommended. If you are too scared to be able to speak openly and honestly. If you or you child will be in danger because of things you say. 2. because they try to use the system to continue to abuse you.

I was able to speak relatively openly but didn’t give away many reasons for my suggestions as they would be used against me. I let him lead the discussion so I could see what I was up against before I responded. I went really well planned. I written out incidents that has happened to back up the amount of time I felt was appropriate for the children to see him. I has attended freedom programme and the follow on groups including the one about parenting so that I felt strong enough to face him. I also had plenty of knowledge about how I knew he would behave and had thought through all of his tactics and responses before had. These men are very predictable and I am sure you know how your ex will respond to most things you do or say. Practise how you will respond (or in my case not respond). Be prepared.

If your ex is like mine I have found he only attended mediation as he thought it was a place where he would get what he wants. This didn’t happen as I stood my ground so he decided the mediator was biased and now wants us to sort something out through written communication ourselves.

He started to show his true colours in the second session of mediation but we have not made it back as he is now concentrating on bullying me to do what he wants. I am not going to and am about to start court proceedings for the finances. One that is sorted we can look at child arrangements.

You asked for practical advice. I would say go prepared with all your reasons, dates, times, ect planned out and remembered if possible. He will think he is the cleverest person in the room. This will be your advantage. My ex wasn’t prepared and I pretended to be a bit stupid until it really mattered and I was able to give factual reasons for suggesting something or not agreeing to something.

Only talk about the benefits/effects on your child. You and him are irrelevant.

I didn’t look at him until I had to during the second session (when I felt stronger anyway).

You will be asked what you would like to put on the agenda for the session. Plan this before hand carefully. Think about how he will respond and decide what the best order to tackle this would be.

Easier said than done but keep calm. Show you know what you are doing regarding your child.

research the facts for everything before hand as he will try and tell you otherwise. The mediator can give facts but will not be able to advise. If you agree to something that is your choice. They will stop him if he has a go or doesn’t let you speak or is rude etc.

Even still, after doing all of that, mediation is not working for us as he is not getting what he wants!!!!!

If you go I wish you luck. Be strong. Be prepared. x

[tobehappy]

Hi Bluebell,

Well done for leaving. Things will become clearer now you have space and time to think and recover. Something that has helped me to understand things…. My ex is claiming that he left an emotionally abusive relationship and that there were time I hit, kicked him (not sure when though!). This really played on my mind as it was horrible to think he was telling everyone lies about me.

I understand how you are feeling responsible. The thing with abuse however is that is a a pattern of behaviour. I thought OMG maybe it was me? Did I do these things? He claims there were a certain number of times I physically attacked him. (I never did and these incidents would be when I was defending myself but as with every abuser he turns the blame back on to you).

When I thought rationally about his claims…he is stating that there were a certain number of events. The key thing about abuse is that is it a pattern of behaviour occurring over a long time. It may begin with a couple of isolated incidents but this is part of a pattern of behaviour.

If you look back over time you will start to notice things, you will spot a cycle, he was nice for a while and then horrible for a while. You will notice a build up to the abuse (verbal or physical), the event and then the time when they are sorry afterwards trying to make up for what they have done.

As others have said get support, call the help line, I can recommend the freedom programme it is a real eye opener but helps you to understand things that have happened and to stop blaming yourself.

I hope I have been able to help. Good to know you have people to rely on. They are worth their weight in gold. x

[tobehappy]

Absolutely. An abuser does so because he has learned that is the way to get what he wants. He believes that is the right way. He believes that is how a man should behave. He won’t see he has done wrong he will just blame other for what they made him do.

An abuser is an abuser through to the core. Their whole belief system is set up differently to a “normal” person. This is why you can never win an argument with them, it’s why you are always to blame (so they say). They actually believe they are right and they are doing this to help you, because they are a true man, because they are above you and they are entitled to.

Because if their strong beliefs that is why most will never change. After all why would you when you can just get what you want! They feel no sense of shame or remorse and they don’t know that they are not experiencing the true felling of love. They are wired differently. They have to win at all costs and without shame or remorse there is nothing to stop them doing whatever it takes. The only way to deal with them is to cut them out of your life completely. Don’t waste time and energy trying to help them or explain to them. They will never get it. You will never get closure. Just get as far away as possible.

There are many good books that explains their behaviour. I am sure many of the ladies on here would have recommendation. The Freedom Programme also picks apart their personality traits. Things seem a whole lot clearer when you have done that.

[tobehappy]

Serenity, I so am taking my power back. Boundaries are in place and I have absolutely no thoughts about changing a thing. What I am doing now is working. I am recovering and finding my old self. I may need to deal with court but I understand his pattern of behaviour. Things still hurt but I get it and most of it I just ignore.

At least (usually) I feel I can cope. Occasionally I find him so absurd that I can actually laugh. Now that is a change from all those months ago.

I hope you are doing well Serenity. x

[tobehappy]

Hi KIP,
I agree. I am in a similar situation to you I think. With the divorce signed I can now get on with things and it seems that may involve going to court. I have heard that he is saying things are getting much worse and probably isn’t going back to mediation. I laughed as absolutely nothing has changed in months. He obviously thought that by now he could have bullied me into doing what he wants. Ironically the longer things go on, the stronger I get, the more I learn and the better equipped I am to deal with him. I even think I can face him in court. How his plan has backfired!!!!!

You seem such a strong person. I hope you can keep going until you finally reach some sort of resolution. I don’t think they realise that to put up with the things we have done that we are actually some of the strongest people around. It just takes a little to find it sometimes. x

[tobehappy]

Thanks White Rose. Yes I have got to the point when I have told him to call social services. Like you I am now happy to show them what a good job I’m doing despite what he is throwing at me.

I guess it’s just so hard to believe that this is all to scare you. He does have quality time with the kids and I have made sure it is planned so that they have time to “recover” from contact and for me to sort any issues before they go again. He is just so manipulative. I know my kids are unaware of what he is doing because I was unaware of what he was doing to me for years. I do my best to help them to understand right and wrong behaviour and am letting them “figure it out” by themselves but they are young and it breaks my heart to think that they should have to figure it out by themselves.

I am so much stronger no but it is so disheartening to see that nothing has actually changed and we are no closer to sorting divorce, finances or kids.

I feel happier when I understand the things he does (as much as is possible). That’s why I wonder what happens in court…with character references. x

[tobehappy]

Hi M,

I use a contact book although I agree with all the other advice you have received. I have worked so hard on my own mind set and this has helped me deal with things. I know you said he is threatening to call social services. Mine does the same on one hand but then when challenged says why would he ever do that because of all the horrible things I’m saying about him. I have decided that I am doing everything I can in the best interests of my kids and I seek professional advice when necessary. If he did phone SS then fine. I would like to show them what a good job I’m doing despite what he does to sabotage things. I do still worry but have turned it around enough in my head that it is no longer a threat. A friend of mine went through something similar and her ex did call ss. She simply showed them what she was doing and it showed her ex up to be the knob that he is!

He threatens court routinely and it scares the hell out of me as my worst nightmares regarding my kids could come true but I have realised that I will just drive myself mad thinking about it. My efforts are best spent making sure my kids (and me) are having a good life. I note down things that the kids say that may be used as evidence. I keep all written records and texts that he sends (for evidence). Each time he puts something really hurtful I think, well there’s another piece of evidence. Don’t get me wrong, it still gets to me but I try and turn it round in my mind so that there is some sort of benefit for us. I figured I can only control my response.

It has taken me months/years to get to this point and my ex doesn’t send so many emails but I wanted to be as free as possible and what better way to be free than if his tactics no longer work. It is a daily battle and I am sure it will be far worse if/when we do go to court but I do my best not to think about it. I can only collect the evidence and get the best out of life now and I am damn sure he is not going to ruin that!

Sorry, I have gone on a bit. I really hope you can find the strength in yourself to be free in your mind. All the best. xxx

[tobehappy]

Hi Sparkle,
I don’t believe you can go “backwards”. You have just reached the next obstacle to overcome on your journey forwards. Keep on moving. You are going in the right direction…it just doesn’t always feel that way.

I too do not believe that an abuser can change. Keep working on yourself. Little steps will take you to where you want to be. x

[tobehappy]

Wow wow wow…you sound the lie the strongest person I know. I understand how angry you feel and what a desperate position you are in but you have accomplished so much. When you feel you can do no more, try to take a step back and reflect on what you have achieved, all off your own back, despite what everyone is telling you. Please keep the faith that the truth will come out in the end. Stay strong and keep telling the facts. They are the facts, you cannot be caught out. I understand how you have to sensor the way you act and what you say to give the “right” impression. It is mentally exhausting. I hope you are able to find some support and ultimately find some inner peace. You will show them all in the end….I believe in you xx

[tobehappy]

Hi CS.

I have taken anti-depressants in the past. I found the medication took the edge of everything. It just gave a bit of support to let my mind and body process things and gain a little strength. Once you feel a bit stronger you are then in a better place to be able to other things to help yourself. You do need to take them for some time (weeks at least, if not months) to give them time to work.

Whilst your response to your situation is normal there is nothing wrong with having a bit of help to process things. I would also definitely recommend the freedom program. Not only is it about the information you learn but it is the people that you meet. People who understand what you have been through, a place where you feel “normal”. Please don’t take offence at the use of the word normal but I felt it was great to just talk about your experiences to people who get it!

Take care whatever you decide. x

[tobehappy]

Confused 123…I am a firm believer that what goes around comes around. It is clear by what he is doing that he has not thought it through. I keep thinking he can’t be that stupid to hide money as I can see that he will run into problems regarding his own finances. Not sure he knows it yet but any logical mind would be able to see it. Can’t wait for that one 🙂

Hi Alone, Yes their accusations pretty much tell you what they are doing. Strange hey! Good on you looking after yourself. Yes the relevant authorities may be able to investigate but I wanted a bit more actual proof before taking things further. Just feel like he is rubbing my face in it as it is so blatant what he is doing! I am, however, in it for the long game and will eventually figure it out. The thing with these men is that they lie so much that they never remember what they have said or done. I have always had a good memory…except when I was with him and he was telling me I had forgotten things (can see now this was just lies) so I will remember what he said and will find out the truth….one day. x

[tobehappy]

Do you have access to the bank account to get food shopping? I used to get a bit extra cash back when I did the food shopping and it didn’t show on my statement. It would just show a payment to tescos. That way I could get a little cash without him knowing. You may be able to pay this into a new account that he doesn’t know about. It could be time consuming to get much money paid in but it is best to act carefully so that he doesn’t get suspicious. Good luck and stay safe.

[tobehappy]

Hi there. They will do everything they can to blame you and, yes, people will believe them. The trick is to stop caring what other people think. Let him say what he wants. You are in control of what you do, say and how you act.

If you don’t have children together then I would simply block him phone , email, social media. If tou do have kids like me then keep contact to a bare minimum. We only communicate through a contact book and text in an emergency. There is a record of everything. If he chooses to send threats and insults then I do not respond. It was very hard in the beginning because you just want to get you side across but I found the more you say the more they have to use against you.

I now only respond to fact, something necessary, with a simple answer in as few words as possible (so there is less for him to sabotage). If there was something else written that needed following up I call my mum, or the helpline to discuss or I get advice/support for my kids at school. I do everything to protect me and my kids and he gets nothing.

I have made my peace with him having a go. If it gets too serious I go to the police. I just make a note that there is now another piece of evidence…proof that he is what I think he is. He changes his story/argument from one day to the next but I can read back to prove to myself that I didn’t forget and I’m not going mad. Act with integrity, do not act out of spite, protect those who are close to you including yourself. Don’t give him anything to use against you. In time people will see him running around badmouthing and you simply getting on with things. The ones who matter will see the truth the others don’t deserve to be in your life.

Never forget that you have managed to carry on with your life despite what he does. Surely that makes you far stronger and more determined than many others!x

[tobehappy]

Yes, mine has dark eyes anyway but they turn so dark. It’s not just me that has noticed either. He also has the loudest voice when shouting it hurts my ears. Scary…

[tobehappy]

Mediation is not recommended where there has been abuse. I have had a couple of sessions and he is not playing ball. Won’t provide essential paperwork etc. I have just started to look into arbitration but I think this is also something that you both have to agree to do. I think it works out cheaper than court and the person can make decisions for you (again I think). I don’t know anyone who has done this though.

I hope you find something suitable and I would also be interested to hear what others think as there is a lot of knowledge and experience on this forum! 🙂 Good luck.

[tobehappy]

Hi Unity, I was the same. Things got worse as I worked less after having children. Although he wasn’t too happy when I was the main earner either. I am still surprised by the things he does and says even if afterwards I look back and it is obvious that he would choose to do and say those things. I don’t think a rational mind can comprehend their behaviour.
I think they are aware aware of their behaviour but simply don’t care as it gets them what they want. If they do have any concerns then they just blame someone else. My ex used to say he could do anything if he could justify it to himself. Little did I know then how much he could justify to himself.
I guess there must have been good times in our relationship but I can’t remember much. I do remember feeling that I had to shut away a lot of my personality from very early on in the relationship. Now I understand why!
I realised it was abuse when I was searching on the internet for a solution to our relationship difficulties. One thing lead to another and the pieces started to fall into place. I have found it a relief in a way as I thought I had turned into a paranoid, depressed person who had no interests, no friends and no future.
It is hard rebuilding but I hang onto the fact that the person I was when I was with him is not the real me. Perhaps people aren’t all talking about me like he said. Just imagine what we can achieve now they are not pulling us back. It will take time but this is my chance to be happy and I am bloody well gonna take it! x

[tobehappy]

I hope it means you are ready to build a new life…because you have described exactly how I feel. I worry about the children as I think he may focus all his attention on them. I don’t miss him and am sad for the loss of the family unit. Since I moved out I have never actually missed him.

I think you are able to cope with all the changes as anything is easier than dealing with their behaviour. I also feel like that. I did everything I did whilst I was in the relationship despite what he did to sabotage it. It must be easier to do these things with no-one working against you.

I am not quite there yet as we have the legal stuff to sort which surprise, surprise he is dragging his feet with but I do imagine a life without him and I am starting to feel more hopeful about the future. I think I will always feel sad about the loss of the family unit but I think I can deal with that.

I found it easier as he was always horrible. I didn’t get the love-bombing. Certainly not for a very long time…not sure I ever did. What is there to miss?

You sound like you are an independent person who is able to plan your own life. Good on you 🙂

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