TrappedButterfly

[TrappedButterfly]

Hi roadtohealing… Your post has literally got me in tears. Your words are so powerful and has touched me in so many ways. Thank you so much for sharing this because right now you have truly stropped me in my tracks… I can see me, in you, and what my future could possibly be.

I wish there was a magic button so you were able rewind back to your old self. But other than this present moment in time, there is also a future awaiting…. One which I hope you can own and create. One where I hope you will begin to find the old you and take all those experiences to create an even stronger and happier you.

Please keep reaching out so you don’t feel so alone. Sending you huge hugs. Xx

[TrappedButterfly]

It’s been gut wrenching reading this thread.

Since having my little one I have completely lost my sex drive. He stopped coming to bed and a part of me was relieved, however soon I started to feel abandoned and very lonely.

As soon as our little one went into her own bedroom that’s when he started to come up asking for sex. At this time I had become so withdrawn and numb. He would literally hound me for it to the point I would just give him something to get him off my back. I felt sick. It was always either “clearly you don’t love me” or “I need to feel connected to my wife”

I managed to leave him for a while, however when we were talking over the phone about me going back after not being strong enough to stay away, I confided in him about the whole sex issue…. That I am trying my best to get my sex drive back up so please allow me time and stop asking for it so often. It should just happen naturally if I can get in the mood.

No lie, at the end of that call he asked me for phone sex. I never felt so disregarded.

It’s made me realise I am just a wife with a duty. I don’t think I can bring myself to have sex with him again and I’m now worried this is really going to escalate things now I am back 😞 xx

[TrappedButterfly]

I don’t think I can add much else as the other replies say it so much better than I could ever write. But I just wanted reach out and echo some of the other replies. Emotional abuse is abuse. It might not leave physical scars, but mentally it can break you until you are a shell of a person.

Like you I kept thinking the abuse was not bad enough to leave. I have read your story and I can relate to you so much.

I only found the strength to leave my husband when he decided to rage in front of our baby girl and ended up getting physical with me ( I still question whether it was physical because as it was not a punch or a kick. He just pulled me to the ground)

But now I am away from him, trying to understand it all, I have started to realise how bad he was and it haunts me. His words, his actions.

It’s so hard trying to process it all and leave when you are questioning things or yourself. But what your going through is abuse full stop. Please try and find the strength to call the helpline and begin to start exploring your options. You deserve a life where you and your children can be free and happy. Xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Oh nbumblebee.

This time of year is so hard isn’t it. I am trying my best to avoid social media at the moment as it’s not helping at all. Remember, most of the time what you see is all the good stuff. You don’t see the struggles or the bad times. It’s easier for me to say this though. It’s hard not to think that way. But most people try to paint a picture of this perfect life on there. I did this. “Happy” pictures of me and my husband knowing that a day earlier or moments later, he’d be so angry at me or not speaking to me. No one had a clue what I was going through.

I always live in hope but the thought of going into the new year is hard when you feel like that. But the one thing that is getting me through the tough times is being here. Reading posts and asking for support.

So don’t ever feel like you are moaning. You are not. You need to let it out. It really does help writing it down in moments like this to try and make sense of things and realise you are not alone.

I really feel for you. I’ve been there too. Both unhappy. Feeling so trapped with the knowledge of what’s going. Feeling so alone. You are exactly that… Frozen…. in that moment of nothingness.

I really wish I had the perfect suggestion to help make you feel better right now. But all I can say is that you are amazing. You are getting through this day by day. You have the knowledge, you have the support. And try to keep hold onto hope. The hope that one day things will be better.

And my last tip. Rather than scrolling through social media, scroll through some inspirational quotes. Motivational videos. Or listen to a song that makes you feel good. It really helped me in times like those.

Sending you lots of love and strength xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Hi Startingafresh

Welcome, it’s so great to hear you have managed to get out.

I have left fairly recently so totally get how difficult it is right now. I appreciate so much the support I have had around me in terms of family and friends. But I think no one truly understands how hard it is trying to move on from it all mentally.

From the help here I now know so much more. It really does not help when you have people around you saying that you’re out now, you’re free, move on. If only it was that simple hey.

Here it is so different, no one will judge, and everyone here understands how hard every step is.

As Lottieblue said, keep coming back, we are all here to support you xx

[TrappedButterfly]

I can relate to this so much. I was in such a similar situation this time last year with covid. We both had it, but he had it much worse. I was over it after a few days so I was literally doing everything. Full time job as we needed the money, having to look after the little one while trying to work from home. Cooking and cleaning. While constantly being told that I was not being concerned enough about him. It was so exhausting. I can’t imagine how it must be with four kids and a partner like that.

However I am concerned… when you talk about explosions, what do you mean by that?

My husband would get so angry he would switch – his eyes would completely change and he would literally scream in my face.

Like you I always kept thinking there are women out there who get beaten up. This is nothing compared to them. He will never hurt me… However the reason why I finally found the courage to leave once again was because he unexpectedly switched in front of our baby. One thing led to another which resulted in him grabbing me and pulling me to the ground, leaving me with a bruise. This was the first time I thought, actually, this could turn into something physical.

Please don’t downplay emotional abuse. It can eat you up slowly and surprise you in so many ways.

What he’s doing is wrong. You should not be living like this questioning yourself, living in fear, feeling trapped.

Big hugs, sending you lots of love and support. Xx

[TrappedButterfly]

I’m still trying to understand their behaviour so probably not the best to give advice. But all I can say is that I can relate to this so much. I have only fairly recently got out and share a child with him also. It’s so hard not to long for them when they are being “nice”

When he’s nasty it’s so much easier but then he sends those really “nice texts” telling me how much he loves me. He’s not a bad person. How we can save our marriage, it’s not like he cheated, or is addicted to alcohol or drugs, or gambles with our money. It really does make you question everything. Maybe he is not a bad person? Maybe I am over reacting? There is nothing wrong with him.

I think they say it to us so they can manipulate us in thinking that they are good people. Make us feel bad for leaving them. Putting the blame on to us. Maybe they are trying to convince themselves they are good? I really don’t know what goes on in their heads.

He has said on numerous occasions now that I’m the one who walked out and least he can sleep at night knowing he didn’t break up our family. I know he’s painted a picture of him being the victim – I’m the crazy one walking out over “an argument”

Like you, I wish he did cheat. It would of been so much easier. In my opinion abuse is so much worse. It eats you up slowly until you are a shell of a person – I have never felt so low and worthless in my whole life.

Please don’t let his family get to you. He’s probably manipulated them. You can get through this!! You have done so well to have stayed out for so long, especially with your family being so far away.

There of course will be bad days, but think how far you have come. How much free you are compared to what you would have been with him. You are not alone. We are here. Big hugs to you xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Hi Eyesopening.

I don’t feel right giving advice as I’ve only fairly recently got out myself and I’ve been so close to going back. But I wanted to reach out because I feel so similar to you right now.

It’s so hard. I am also back at my parents and it does make it a bit tougher.

I think it’s natural to miss them. It’s so easy to think back on all the good times, the times that made you happy, when you’re feeling this low and think that they can make you happy again. Especially when you feel alone. But you need to remind yourself of all the low points, even if it’s hard to do.

I also meditate. I have done a lot of inner child work. I read a lot of poetry and have also started writing down how I feel which helps a lot in making sense of things.

But the main thing that is getting me through this at the moment… is just being allowed to be my true authentic self, without someone making me feel bad about it.

Just be you!! Embrace doing things without feeling like you have to walk on egg shells.

I listen to my music, or in his words “crap” when I like.

I can enjoy my wine and cheese without feeling guilty.

I know it’s easier said then done. But look to the future because you deserve so much more.

Big hugs and keep reaching out when you feel this way xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Sorry for the really late replies girls, I can’t thank you all enough for taking time out to reply. I keep reading them when I try to convince myself that he’s not as bad as I think. If I didn’t have my little one I would probably be back there. But she is my strength. I can’t have her grow up potentially witnessing that ever again. It’s so toxic.

I know it’s the first time it’s happened in front of her. But it’s no way the first time it’s happened to me. I thought he would be able to control his rage in front of a little child, but clearly not. I appreciate he’s tired, but this is always his excuse. If that’s the case, what happens if he’s tired when she’s all worked up and I’m not there?

I don’t want our little girl to ever feel like she can’t be herself. I don’t want her to ever feel like she has to walk on eggshells.

Will definitely keep coming back here for support. I know it’s going to be a long journey to ever feel like the person I once was. But already feel a little lighter after being away from him. Just trying to build the courage to tell him I want a divorce.

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you so much both for taking time to read all that, it’s comforting knowing that you’re not alone and you’re not going mad, but at the same time it’s horrible knowing that there are others who have gone or going through this.

@diymum@1 … big hugs for surviving two decades of that xx it really has got me you saying that I’m his property that he thinks he can own. I really see that now. As soon as I became his wife, that’s when it started to get worse “wives should do this, wives should do that, a wife should respect her husband”. I could literally be anyone right now. If someone really looked me in my eye and asked me whether I think my husband loves me for me, I think it would truthfully be a no 🙁

It’s heartbreaking to say this as I love kids and my biological clock is now really starting to tick, but thankfully we haven’t got kids together. He has a child from another relationship who I have bonded so well with and he already uses that as a way of making me feel guilty at times.

@Whosthatgirl … its so horrible to hear that he’s now trying to take away the kids from you and hurting them in the process 🙁 how low can they stoop. As soon as they see you gain a little bit of strength, that’s when they will use anything to try and manipulate the situation and tear you down again. Sending you big hugs xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Hi Tobfree, I’m not the best person to give you advice as I’m only really learning all about this myself but I can talk about my experience and your situation is so similar to mine with my husband.

I managed to get out for a little while and it took the right timing and a lot of strength – he text me when he was at work telling me to get out as he didn’t like me going out the night before. Normally I would of called and begged him to listen to me and try to reason with him, but I thought enough was enough, I’m not going on that rollercoaster ride again, so I grabbed a few of my bits straight away and drove to my parents.

The trouble is I was just not strong enough to stay away and I’m now back in the same cycle and it feels even worse because I now see what’s going on, yet my heart still feels like it wants to love and protect him. I’m evening blaming myself thinking I’m the one who is the problem.

They seem to love control, so when they see you start taking some control back of the situation and grab on to the little bit of strength you have, I feel it only fuels them to up their game.

My husband tears me down then when I can’t take no more and I am on a verge of a breakdown, he will switch and go all sympathetic, showing me a load of affection saying that he’d be lost without me, how much he loves me, how amazing I am etc.

I feel like every loving gesture they give us is not out of pure love for us, it’s a weapon they can then use in their game and something we can use to plant in our heads to create this perfect picture of them.

When I managed to have that time separated from him I found that it helped loads writing everything down. I had a little luck on my side in terms of that when I managed to lock myself away from my husbands emotional rage, he would go on to text me all the nasty stuff then switch when he felt the time was right and text all the “nice” stuff… so I could go back easily and build a timeline which really brought to life the pattern.

I also went counselling which kind of helped. I did a lot of inner work which gave me some strength but I also discovered I am one of those people who likes to “fix” people and forget about giving myself that love and care… I think this is why I am now back with him – a part of me still cares for my husband and when he starts feeling sorry for himself, I just want to hug and protect him even if he was literally screaming in my face with rage a few moments before – it’s fills the void.

I really don’t know how to bring myself to escape this another time. The bond I have with him is still so strong, even though I feel stronger in myself. In the meantime I’m just trying to show myself more love with the tools my counsellor gave me along with meditation as that helps me loads.

Sending you big hugs xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Hi Worrywart,

I don’t usually watch Corrie but happened to have it on tonight and you are right! Once I saw it I had to research it and it’s going to be a new storyline exploring coercive control. According to the media they have worked closely with Women’s Aid and others.

That scene felt way too close to home, it really got to me. I have experienced the exact same thing 😟

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you girls, I feel like a little a bit of weight has already started to lift from my shoulders xx

@KIP – thank you. He suffers anxiety for a couple of personal reasons and has sometimes used this as an excuse for himself which is why I think I used to dismiss his behaviour at first. But he definitely saves it. When I would do something to annoy him, say at a family event, he would wait until I was in the car or back at home to really rip into me. Or if I did something wrong before we were going somewhere, he would literally be hurling words at me until we arrived, then he would be Mr Charming again.

That’s the trouble, when you meet him he is such a gentlemen, no one would ever imagine him saying/doing the things he does to me.

@diymum@1 – what you wrote helps loads, it’s so reassuring to read. I’m so glad you stayed strong and have now freed yourself from that. You have given me so much hope.

@fizzylem – thank you and thank you for the lovely words of encouragement. I’m so scared what he will be like if I find the courage to really go through with this. Which is why I need to find all the strength and advice I can get. I feel physically sick thinking about it.

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you gettingtired. I am so glad I posted. It’s really helped me loads. I just hope I can break this cycle sooner rather than later. Xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Aww thank you so much for your comforting and encouraging words nbumblebee. It’s heartbreaking that we are all here but it’s people like you who make this whole process that little bit easier. Thank you. Xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Aww thank you so much Ariadne. The spiral analogy makes total sense. What a better way to look at it. It has given me hope and makes me feel so much better about it all. Xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Thanks Hazelnut. You are so right. And thanks for reminding me to do this. I didn’t do this for a while and convinced myself that things were all good or I was to blame. When we were apart he was like “why don’t you ring me rather than text. Texts can be misinterpreted”. But when we did speak via phone that’s when he would try and convince me that I said something that I didn’t. I did learn a lot being apart. I’m stronger this time even if I don’t feel it right now. I just need to find the right time and hopefully leave for good! Xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you so much Hereforhelp. This is what I am scared of, people finding out I’m back and doing the same. I’ve already had someone accuse me of playing the victim. “It can’t be that bad if I’m back”

I contacted someone from the local DA support group when I started to wobble when I was out. She said she had put my name down for the freedom programme but I never heard back. Now I am in a different area so maybe I need to phone again. My GP is also aware of the situation but they are yet to know that I am back.

It must be so heartbreaking seeing how your children have been affected by his behaviour. I really need to find that strength to realise again that my little one is better off out of this environment. In the meantime I will lean here for support. I will be able to leave again, I have to. I’ve done it a number of times now and even if it’s hard to see, I am slowly getting a little stronger each time I do. I just didn’t expect it to happen this time.

Thank you so much once again. You have reassured me so much ❤️ xx

[TrappedButterfly]

He really sounds awful. You mention that he has not been physical in one of your previous replies in this post. But throwing you on a bed and pinning you down… yes it might not be a punch or a kick that we commonly associate with abuse… But it’s still physical. He’s left you with bruises. What happens for example if he threw you on that bed but in the process you hit your head on the bedside cabinet? It could potentially be serious…. That was an example I was given when I said that he only grabbed me…

Like you I did not want my daughter to think this was normal and after a series of events that followed my side after I left, I did some research on how anger can affect a child… it was not nice to read.

Please start thinking of an escape plan. He’s abusive full stop. You and your children can’t live like that, you all deserve so much more.

Call the support line. You don’t have to give your real name. And you can leave a time for them to call you back if it’s busy and you get to voice message. They are so helpful.

Sending you so much love and strength, I hope you got through today ok. Xx

[TrappedButterfly]

It really is like an addiction. I think this is my 4th attempt. The last time I got to being away this long I ended up going back. So I really hope I stay strong this time.

I have never heard of the Freedom Program so will definitely check that out.

Quite a few people have already said to me that they are starting to see the person I once was before I met him. So I totally get them being afraid of me going back.

I definitely need to keep reminding myself of the person he is and think back to the times I have gone back and how nothing changed.

Thank you so much for your reply xx

[TrappedButterfly]

You summed it up so perfectly. Thank you.

The belief that the abuse can just stop is the worst thought. I know it can’t. I’ve gone back a number of times now and the same cycle happens. Yes it’s takes a little longer to get to the peak. But the end result stays the same. He is still that angry person who is quick to bring me down when he can.

I will never forget that mix of being so scared of leaving him and that euphoria of thinking yes I have done it.

If it’s not for me, it’s for my daughter knowing that she will never grow up thinking that his behaviour is normal.

Thank you so much for your reply xx

[TrappedButterfly]

I am so glad these posts are giving you the strength and hope to face him and I really hope that one day soon, I will see a past from you saying that you finally found that moment and strength to leave.

It’s so hard getting out. I have left numerous times now and I really hope this is the last.

Even though there are so many similarities between peoples stories. Every journey is so different.

We are all here to support each other and the great thing is that no one here seems to judge.

Please stay safe yourself. Sending you so much love and support xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Even though I would not wish this feeling onto anyone, I am so glad someone can relate. Please don’t call yourself a hypocrite though. I know how hard it is to leave. How much hold they can have over you. The tricks your mind plays in trying to make you stay. How much you try to convince yourself that this is just normal behaviour. It’s so so hard. I just count myself lucky in a way that after a series of events all close together, I found the strength to leave. It took me ages to get here again and I’m trying my upmost best to stay away this time. But I get so close to going back. “He’s not that bad” “he has a heart” being the main culprit.

Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. Xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you so much. I think I was hurt by her words because deep down I know she is right too.

Even though I felt a sense of dread going back there, he was so nice and that’s what made it hard. He made me believe we can get through this. What we had was good.

But I am now back where I am staying, away from him.

I just hate I am now craving all the good times. Even though the last memory there was me being so scared of him trying to escape.

I definitely need to do a lot of work on myself. And I can’t ever go back there like that again. I don’t know what I was thinking. I did not realise how much I bow down to him 😔

Will definitely be reading up on trauma bonding tonight.

Thanks again. Xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you Wants to Help. You are so right about Christmas and I think you are very right as to the reason why he texted me being all nice.

I’m the one who always made a big deal about family time and Christmas. I think he was probably half expecting me to give in and go back before Christmas. He knows how upset I get when people are alone.

I always used to love this time of year but in recent years it has filled me with dread. Especially New Year’s Eve. The last (detail removed by Moderator) years I was on my own upstairs crying myself into the new year because he always wanted his own space.

I thought I would be enjoying it this year being away from the eggshells and surrounded with family and friends. I wish I had realised that it wouldn’t be so easy.

Thank you so much. Here’s to January the 2nd! Xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Thanks Hereforhelp. I will definitely be reading KIPs book suggestions and thanks for sharing how you cope when you feel like this.

I used to keep a record of all the things he did when I first realised what was happening. Unfortunately I stopped when I went back a couple of years ago. I guess I was trying to convince myself that we were a normal couple.

I will have a read back of what I wrote and will look back at my old posts here again. It’s just so hard because I was advised back then to stay away. Definitely will be getting as much info as I can this time and will be posting here for support if I wobble.

All you girls are lovely, thank you xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you so much KIP for talking some strength into me.

My mind seems to want to try and block out so much of the bad stuff and only see the good in him.

Its only since I have been away from him and spoken to people that I realise how many red flags there were so early on and how much I have changed into a shell. It’s just so hard not being won over by his words.

The fact I was so on edge (detail removed by Moderator) after he contacted me says it all. And the texts going from really nice to really nasty so quickly is so him. He’s such a Jekyll and Hyde.

You are right. I do need to look at getting a third party involved. I have a little girl to think about now.

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