WanderingCloud

[WanderingCloud]

Hi Lilycat, I am no expert on these matters but I would say that a woman instinct is usually spot on and therefore I would trust it. Things like you have explained seem too much of a coincidence to ignore, the flying on business and your new musical hobby seem really quite strange things to pick up on.
I am unsure what the legalities are concerning private detectives, I suspect that private investigators probably rely on technology now to track peoples movements rather than sitting in cars all day, it may be worth considering having your phone/laptop checked to make sure there are no monitoring apps on there? It will do no harm you going down various investigative avenues to at least put your mind at rest. It does sound that your ex hasn’t let go yet and his interest in your movements is not healthy. Sorry if I couldn’t offer you any more advice but I would definitely not ignore your instinct. Good luck. xx

[WanderingCloud]

Hi
Your story is so familiar, the monitoring of money, shouting, threatening demeanour, they are all ways to take control of us, to keep us in our place. You are right in that it is a lonely place to be, the abuse becomes the normality though deep down we know it isn’t right but we think that over time, things will get better. Having spent (detail removed by moderator) decades in my marriage, I can honestly say that it never gets better and never will. I am now in a position where although there is large element of control, he doesn’t get as angry but this isn’t because he is changing, it is actually because he doesn’t need to, he has exerted so much control over me, I am fully trained to comply. Sad as it is, that is the truth. When you read various threads on the forum, you will identify with a lot of what is being said. The sex issue is very common amongst us. When we don’t give them sex, they become angry, they become angry because we haven’t given them sex and therefore one of our coping mechanisms is to be so tuned in to their needs, we give in to their sexual demands as we cannot face the nasty temper that will follow if we don’t. That is how well trained we all are .
You will begin to notice far more things now about him and how he operates and you may go through a range of emotions from sadness, guilt, anger, resentment. You need to begin looking after your own mental health now and that of your daughter.
I understand why you question whether you are over reacting or to blame in any way, this is a natural reaction to try understand/justify why they are as they are but please don’t think you are to blame in any way or in any way accountable for his actions, you are not, only he is. xx

[WanderingCloud]

It never goes away. You are tortured whilst with them and more tortured when you leave due to the emotional damage they have caused.
However don’t torture yourself thinking that there is a possibility he is nicer or treats her better than he ever did with you. As we know, they never change. Yes, they may initially suppress some of their traits whilst starting a new relationship, this is because they are clever at hiding things but the mask will eventually slip when he needs his own way in something and has come across some sort of resistance. They just cannot help themselves, all of the poison, all of the cruelty, all of the nastiness, all of the abuse, all of it is in their blood and will never go away.

[WanderingCloud]

Thank you for everyone’s responses. All is well at home now he thinks that I have been firmly reprimanded for my little outburst, no doubt he thinks that he wont be seeing another one for a while! Strangely he feels that I should be made to pay a sexual penance of his choice- how sickening is that.

[WanderingCloud]

As BJIF said, you learn to disassociate with sex though still feeling like an object only for his satisfaction. The times that he approaches me early morning, waking me up so he can have sex, I give in and then spend the time facing away from him hating myself for allowing him to do this, the humiliation of sitting there masturbating him whilst he has his hand down my bra. The times I know he has been watching porn movies, wants sex with me and during the act, thrusts his tongue down my throat whilst tugging hard on my hair, like scenes I know have just been acted out on one of his movies. They think that because your body is biologically responding to them, this is affirmation that you are enjoying it whilst your thoughts and emotions are responding totally differently. It is all linked to their control of us and tending to their sexual needs regardless of our own feelings whilst hiding it behind an apparent act of love!

[WanderingCloud]

Everyone of the comments made within this thread are so familiar. I dont initiate sex as such butI know that if he goes so long without it, the moods heighten so if I mention it in a light hearted way, he thinks I am gagging for it. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
The dressing up as our sex life is boring, same as same as.
Going to bed, he has to place his hand down my knickers either on my bum or down the front, when I protest I get called boring but its like water of a ducks back now.
He has started waking me up early for sex, I give in but he has to be quick and from behind just so its over and done with.
None of this is part of a normal loving relationship but normal within an abusive, controlling, dysfunctional relationship with a narcissist.

[WanderingCloud]

Time to Move on… I have just posted a topic as I am an infrequent visitor to the forum, I too feel that I am unable to offer any valid advise as I am still in my relationship and therefore not qualified to comment so you are not alone in that thought of mind!
I have also mentioned living with the Jekyll and Hyde character,the okay times are so much better than the horrible phases. When things are ‘nice’ you park the much more frequent horrible times because you don’t want to spoil the moment however what we think of as the nice times aren’t actually that great, they only seem great because just for a moment we can stop walking on the eggshells as he is in a better mood but again it is his mood that is controlling us.
It has taken me such a long time to see things as they are, but everything is controlled by them. I have never contributed as much as him financially so he still makes the decisions because he has worked harder and earned more money than me. For (detail removed by moderator)years I have gone along with everything, I have never made decisions for myself and if anything crops up that under normal circumstances would be discussed and decided equally, I become mute or my contribution is instantly dismissed.
You are not pathetic, your actions are of someone trying to survive an abusive relationship, this is a normal survival tactic used by all DV victims. I am becoming stronger and dipping my toe in the world of sticking up for myself and my beliefs. I haven’t found it easy or something that is natural to me but I will stick at it. xx

[WanderingCloud]

Hi Dreamer of the Day, whilst you haven’t made any mention of your parents forcing you into a marriage, you may need to think that this could be their next step particularly if they suspect you may be having a relationship already and with someone they wouldn’t approve of. Depending on where you live, there are some police forces who have departments dealing specifically with girls in the Asian/Muslim community who could be at risk of being forced into marriage. There is a forced marriage protection order that can applied for at the court, this will offer you some protection. The police can help you with this and can also help find a refuge for you. Please look at all options to protect yourself. xx

[WanderingCloud]

oh yes, The Boring comebacks. I get that all of the time. It occurs mostly in situations where he wants me to support and agree with him but I don’t. Then when it backfires on him, I am goody two shoes, boring, useless.
He tries to touch me, I refuse his advances and am immediately boring. This constantly repeats itself in daily living but I am now comfortable enough in my beliefs that I actually don’t care. I would be rather boring that a dishonest abusive, egotistical person. It all boils down to jealousy. He doesn’t want to admit I am better than him in most things, I am a more balanced and thoughtful person, more popular than he ever will be and he doesn’t like it. Any opportunity he tries to bring me down but I actually don’t care. I want to and need to look after my own well being and so am determined not to let his opinion bother me.

[WanderingCloud]

Its quite traumatic to actually realise they re abusive. You think you are in a bad dream and when you wake up everything will be okay only to realise no, it isn’t a dream. You need to take your time, build your mental strength up. When you read the posts on here, you will have so many lightbulb moments in relating to some of the methods abusers use, the control and how you are so subtly made to feel it is all in your head. The fog will keep gradually lifting, it will be painful but it does place you in a better position. You can start taking back control of your feelings and this will help you decide where you want to be in life. I went through lots of emotions. Sadness, guilt (this is a big one), embarrassment, bitterness but I am starting to be kinder to myself and the blame I once thought was all mine is now going.
Keep posting and reading here, everyone is very supportive. xx

[WanderingCloud]

You must have been reading my mind! I was also wondering how she was getting on. If my memory serves me right, she had managed to break free but extremely fearful that he was harassing her. She hasn’t been on for a few months.

[WanderingCloud]

Happy Valentines To All- who needs a man to make when we have each other.

[WanderingCloud]

Witnessing abuse definately affects children, the danger is when as a parent, we dont do anything about it to shield them or to councel them. I honestly dread how much it has affected my son witnessing extreme verbal abuse. I do tell hime that certain people you look up to and certain people you learn from in that you learn how NOT to behave.
My own upbringing was by a Narcissistic mother who emotionally and verbally abused me, my sisters and also my dad. This is why I also ended up being married to someone extremely similar. They are whats called Learned Behaviours in childhood, that we recognise abusive traits as normal and they when we meet someone abusive, we don’t think twice that it is destructive.
I feel guilty I didnt protect my son earlier but the honest truth is, I didn’t see it as abuse, I just accepted the shouting, the name calling, the bullying as part of who and how he was.
The strange thing is, even as a tiny baby, my son wouldnt settle with his dad but as soon as he came to me, he felt my love and would love snuggling up to me. Even now, as nearly a teenager, he constantly tells me how much he loves me but doesnt do this with his dad (and not from any involvement by me). Although he does love his dad, unfortunately he sees him for what and who he is which is pretty sad.

[WanderingCloud]

Thanks Serenity.
My therapist was basically saying that the issue is down to his extreme cotrolling demands of me, it was facebook this time but next time it might be something totally different, but the commonality is how controlling he is.
If I was in the frame of mind that I thought I wanted to stay in the marriage and give it a go, then we would be working on how I approach him, express my feelings and what needs to change going forward. However I have no intention of being here in the future and therefore there are some things that for me to keep what sanity I have left in tact, if I need to give in to his demands, then this is what i will do to survive. I could have argued my corner until I run out of breath about not unfriending someone just because he says but 2 things stopped me- one is my confidence in dealing with these situations and the other is as you say, he doesnt listen and you cannot rationalise with him.
We were in the car a few weeks back and he proceeded to tell our son (similar age to your youngest) that when my mum passes away and he inherits her house, then it will be sold and invested in another property of his choosing. My son became agitated by this really because his dad is again controlling a situation and not allowing other opinions. He started shouting at our son telling him he wastes money etc etc and that it will be up to him (his dad) what happens with the money. I could see how this upset our son and I really empathised with him. When his dad was out of earshot, I simply said to him that he hasnt to worry because it would never come to that. I omitted saying that is because by the time my mum passes away, I will be long gone and therefore although I agree to his demands for now, they are only short term .
I know I need to work on my confidence and the fear I feel, slowly but surely I am getting there.
She tells me that I maybe need to start making future plans, financial etc but at the moment the only way I think I will manage getting out is by acting on impulse during one of the many abusive moments we have.

[WanderingCloud]

I have given up on expecting anything, even at Christmas he didnt bother. His excuse was that we were away on holiday and would give me money when we got home, how considerate. Even though I am resigned to have married someone who only ever thinks about themselves, it still hurts that despite being with him for 2 decades, he cannot even think about buying something that he knows I would like. Even when he wants to buy me something, he has to ask me what I want and even then, it has to be something that doesnt involve actually making a special shopping trip because ‘he doesnt do shopping’.
I dont think about it now because if I place too much emphasis on his selfishness, it really hurts me so I avoid putting myself through it.
Last mothers Day, as usual no mothers day card but can you believe he went beserk when he realsied I hadnt sent his mum a card!! Oh the irony!
Now I treat myself occasionally to bath oils etc so when I am trying to escape his abuse, at least I can try relax and pamper myself with nice inexpensive things. I think taking care of yourself helps does partly help with the recovery process. xx

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