Whodat

[Whodat]

Hi, I think as above maybe phone rape crisis to clarify. From what I’ve read you stated you wanted to have sex with him, you actively chased him and tried to get him to cheat with you, you consented when he asked you twice.

[Whodat]

Hi byzantium. I’ve noticed you have posted 11 times in the last 9 months in the is it abuse category. Yes. Yes it is abuse. All of it. This man doesn’t love or respect you. The “love” he showed you at the beginning wasn’t love he simply ticked you into loving him so he could abuse you. Nothing he does demonstrates love or respect. You kind of ask the same questions over and over and rarely respond to any of the very long responses people give you instead just start a new post asking if it’s abuse. Yes it is. It’s absolute (detail removed by moderator) even contemplating having a child with with this embarrassing excuse for a man, he will simply abuse your child as well. For god sake he makes you sleep in separate room in house which only pay for. Imagine your friend told you that, what would your advice be? We all appreciate how difficult it is to leave but this seems different. I think you need to ask your g.p (detail removed by moderator). Please need the advice everyone is giving you. We have all been in your position and we do understand. Sorry if this seems judgemental it’s just difficult tinwatch you ask the same question over and over and (detail removed by moderator). Our answers will always be yes it’s abuse, no he doesn’t love you, no he doesn’t respect you and no it’s a terrible idea to marry or have children with this loser. Read all your own posts and the responses to them . Really read them and all the answers.

 

[Whodat]

You will be trauma bonded to him. It’s horrendous and the end is almost worse than the abuse. He is trying to make you beg and break you down more. Read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that, you can get it on kindle. It will help you understand your situation, it’s honestly life changing. This is going to take a long time but I promise it gets easier. Over (detail removed by moderator) I was discarded and I was bereft, had to go through the whole grieving process. Took a full year for me to feel like a real person again, to stop obsessing over him, the things he did. I was raging for the longest time. The rage was preferable to the severe anxiety and constant crying though. Nobody treats someone they love like this. Most people don’t treat random strangers like this. It’s not normal at all and it’s so difficult to see clearly until you have had time and space away from them. If you can read up on trauma bonding, co dependency etc it will help you. You are feeling the way you do because he has intentionally made you feel like that. Because he enjoys it. What kind of sick person chooses to hurt someone that loves them, and takes pleasure from it. The best thing I did was block him on every single thing and never ever look at his social media. I had to talk about it constantly for months to help me price as everything and let it go. It’s massively impacted my life but I now feel happier than I ever have, stronger and excited for the future. Imagine living in a home wherr nobody degrades you, with someone you can trust and respect mutually. Tell him to beat it he’s an embarrassment to men and start telling people you can trust. It’s harder to go back when your friends and family know what’s really being going on

[Whodat]

Hi freedom fries. Firstly, what you are feeling physically is not uncommon. Many abuse victims climax at the time of abuse, and have feelings of arousal later, your body doesn’t register what the mind does, and many people who have been abused have complicated feelings around this. Please please don’t feel ashamed or like there is something wrong with you. This is a really complicated issue, your mind rewires following abuse, as a coping mechanism and due to various bodily chemicals. please speak to a therapist who specialises in either childhood trauma or sexual abuse. In relation to shitting down I think you are overwhelmed, there’s a lot going on here, a lot to deal with daily and a lot of stuff from the past to process. Can you write down what you are feeling as you experience it? Are you able to force your attention away e.g the colour ofnthe sky, the temp, focusing on what is around you Right now. Remember you have done nothing wrong. Your response to an extremely traumatic event is actually relatively normally and not uncommon. there are many people experiencing the same right now, you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. You just need time and space to process traumatic events from your past. Normal!!

[Whodat]

Hi dededaisy. I’m the exact same. I posted about it a few weeks ago. I feel like a total weirdo, like how could I get to nearly (detail removed by moderator) and not know. I also feel weird looking back and recognising what I clearly didn’t know then. So I ask on here when I’m not sure. I talk, a lot, to friends who seem to be in normal relationships. I read constantly, to understand myself, co dependency, red flags, trauma bonds. I now understand I had a pre disposition to abuse stemming from child trauma, I understand why I think and do certain things. I am slowly learning about boundaries and I’m not kidding see when I enforce one i feel like the ultimate woman. I’m not remotely sad when it doesn’t work out with someone I’m dating I feel empowered because in the past I would have stuck it out and ignored red flags, now I’m like boy bye!!Just keep reading, talking to good friends and family, self respect but from an angle of learning and growing, don’t be judging yourself negatively, you don’t know what you don’t know. I have days I still feel down and negative, feel ashamed, what’s wrong with me etc, well hours not days . However I now feel so empowered and stronger than I have ever been
Fine.i might never be normal but that’s cool I’m.alright with that, I’ve always been a bit weird but people seem to like it, I’m just looking through a different lens than the “normal folk” . I do totally empathise with you though, it’s like your detached almost, looking in at the normal folk but you don’t understand the rules. I also have extremely rigid boundaries now but I’m working on that to. Honestly just read and read, you’ll feel eventually like you never knew yourself before this, like you never knew how Amazing you already were. Boundaries, with all people including family and friends has helped my self esteem grow as has doing hobbies and exercise, achieving things for just me has been good for me. I have some bad hours now and again but jeezo compared to a yr ago it’s like night and day, I was on my knees then, no self esteem or confidence or understanding at all. Look at Melanie tonia, she is in Instagram as well as the general internet, brilliant information,focused on you thriving after abuse. You will get there, this will pass

[Whodat]

I think I’m definitely attracted to him. I don’t mean this in an arrogant way but I get a lot of male attention, vast majority of it unwanted, so I don’t feel particularly desperate. He has now pointed out that I never text him first, not in a nasty way more like just asking why. He doesn’t dictate plans, we discuss it together. I have a feeling he might actually be normal. In the past I didn’t know that what I thought was normal was abnormal so couldn’t see the red flags. Im been over cautious now I think but I figure if he is a good guy and he genuinely likes me then he will be patient and understanding. Think ill do some more reading before the date just to refresh my knowledge. I just wish these losers would have a big red flag flying from their head. I just hope if he does end up like the rest I will recognise it and be strong enough to leave. It’s horrible feeling scared of every man and seeing them as potential abusers. Im also scared he’s normal and he will run a mile when he realises how damaged I am, just cant win really

[Whodat]

Thanks for the advice. We have rearranged for another walk (detail removed by moderator)instead. I didn’t need to explain why, he was understanding and nice about it. I’ll try get those questions in then.

[Whodat]

Can I also add that NO decent man would ever ever ever put his own children in danger. It’s disgusting and embarrassing. Don’t lower yourself to this. Tell your family please. They love you unconditionally, you might not like what they say about him but it will be accurate. He’s the worthless one.

[Whodat]

Hey, I’ve read through your other posts to get an idea of your situation. Listen, without any shadow of a doubt your ‘partner is extremely abusive. His behaviour toward you is appalling, he does not love or respect you. You know this or you wouldn’t be on this site. Clearly he has destroyed your self esteem and self confidence. No normal man does ANY of the things your man does. None. It will not get better. He isn’t bad every day, most of them aren’t. But he will never treat you the way a normal man would, ever. This isn’t going to get better, no matter how long he can sustain the act for. It will get worse. I wouldn’t dream of having a child with this man. He isn’t even in a position to support his self nevermind a family. The fact you say your prepared to lie to your family to allow your future child to be around a person whoncoukd potentially harm them just to keep your man happy is deeply worrying. Don’t have a child with him, this will only get worse and worse. What he is doing is a crime, at least in Scotland. How do you think other men would treat him if they knew everything that was really going on, I mean real me, men who dont abuse women, who don’t prioritise criminals iver their own children, men who don’t live off their women’s pay cheque. You need to get him out your life, don’t waste years on him, you are worth so much more. It doesn’t have to be like this there are men who will love and respect you, never call you names, silent treatment, lies, manipulation. What do youneven love about him really, like what qualities does he have consistently that you love? He sounds like a spoilt little girl having a temper tantrum most of the time. You feel numb because your body is responding to the abuse, Google trauma bonding in emotionally abusive relationships, read the Lundy Bancroft book, Google depersonlaization flight and fight mode. All these things apply to you. Have you visited your g.p? There’s a good chance you are understandably depressed. We have all been where you are now, thinking this is all we deserve. It isn’t. The end is horrendous and yo you will want to go back to stop the pain but if yoj can stick it out your life will be amazing, you will be so much happier and you will look back and think wtf was I thinking!!! Please don’t fall for this act, most people are never capable of treating any human being the way he has treated you. Can you imagine ever treating someone you love like this?? No of course not. He’s a grown ass man who does no better and is fully responsible for his decisions and he choose to treat you like you are worthless and that’s because in his eyes you are, you are his property and you better do as your told. You are worth so much more. Know your worth!!!!

[Whodat]

I’ve just went and skimmed your original posts. So he smashed a bottle over your head? That’s abh and you will not be allowed to drop the charges it doesn’t work like that. It’s also way beyond abuse. The threats etc are also abuse. Your dad being abusive to you as a child made you more susceptible to ending up in abusive relationship but that doesn’t mean he can’t see it in others. If your ex is trying to saying that your dad caused this situation then he is manipulating you and trying to isolate you from those who can see it. However, if what you are saying is that you made that stuff up then I strongly suggest you see a counsellor yourself.

[Whodat]

I haven’t seen your original post but the police don’t charge people without reason to believe he was abusive. Also why would he have to go to therapy if he didn’t do anything wrong? It sounds like he has manipulated you into believing he isn’t abusive. My extremely abusive ex also doesn’t think he was abusive. He was. There are many witnesses. Like I say I don’t know what brought you here but there must have been something. Were you happy?did you feel respected?loved?cherished? A priority to him? Did you first him? Was he kind to you at all times? Abusive episodes don’t always happen daily. My ex was fine until he wasn’t. Started off a bed episode every few months which I made excuses for, till eventually several times a week, I felt unloved and unwanted, less than, not good enough, always trying to fix thing about myself. End of day he treated me in a way that I would never treat another human being. There is never a good enough excuse for it, because it’s abusive, I don’t need him to confirm or validate that. The end is almost worst than the abuse itself but I’m over it now and happier than I’ve been in years. Be very careful taking him back, if he is abusive then the punishment for this will be worse than what you may have already experienced. That was the case for me and it nearly destroyed me. Remember these men are amazing actors, that’s how they get their foot in the door in the first place!!

[Whodat]

I teach child protection and this is extremely extremely concerning. Please please take them to the g.p and contact social work. It’s likely the g.p will if you don’t. They are trained to discuss these things with children. It could be a weird coincidence but its better safe than sorry. However, any injury/pain in genital reason which is unexplained is often indicitaveof something more sinister. I hope we are wrong but you need to trust your mother’s instinct and follow up on this. They won’t directly ask them if their dad’s done x y or z as it’s super important not to put false ideas in kids heads or traumatise them through the process. Please get this checked out

[Whodat]

Hi findmyself, completely normal feelings, I think most women here have experienced this. It does take a really long time but it will eventually pass. I did a lot of deep breathing exercises to help with anxiety, while reminding myself its anxiety not a heart attack,reassuring myself. I also found exercise helped, like hard exercise!! Hiit is brilliant if you can do it,you don’t need equipment and there are loads of videos on YouTube. It releases endorphins and for 30min your to focused on trying to breathe to think about other things. If you aren’t able to do that maybe try yoga. The Lundy book is brilliant and defo worth a read it describes these men’s behaviour why they do it and why you respond as you do. These men are all the same after all. I spent a lot of time reading on here aswell, we will be your support system so post on here as much as you need to. We all understand and talking helps process things, takes the power out of it. I can now laugh at everything that happened to me,not because it’s actually funny but he is so ridiculous, ehat an embarrassment a grown man behaving in such a way. The rage was a real issue for me it lasted the best part of a year and then one day I woke up and it was gone just like that. You’ve every right to be raging,it’s normal after what he did to you. I felt anger at myself aswell for allowing it but the Lundy book totally changed my thinking on tha.. you will get better it’s just a long process but you will be so much stronger after this!!!!

[Whodat]

There’s a charity called reunite that deals with international child laws and moving children. Start noting down every single thing he does, time date, no matter how minor it seems. Note how much time he spends with children, how much you help you do, everything you do for them etc. You will need to go through the Spanish system, which can be slow but if you just take them it will be considered abduction as Spain is now their habitual residence.

[Whodat]

Hey bumblebee. As with anything there are no certainties but the you are posting in women’s aid which would suggest you are not happy at the very least. If family have noticed his behaviour and think he’s abusive then it probably is. It’s easier to see on the outside. If he’s abusive he won’t change,therapy etc doesn’t work on these people. I was in the same predicament but I stayed and ultimately he discarded me, it was horrendous. Bybthen I had no confidence anyway and was for sure suffering with depressions and severe anxiety because of him. To be honest i highly doubt he will suddenly change into a kind and loving partner. These situations tend to get worse over time. Like you I would sometimes argue back, which made it worse to be honest,he would basically punish me in some way later, but at the end he said i was too independent, which I took to mean that I wouldn’t fully submit to him lol. If you can download Lundy Bancroft ‘why does he do that’ it should help clarify your situation for you. It’s a brilliant book and it really opens your eyes. Keep posting here,research and stay safe!!

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