Whodat

[Whodat]

Hi, I think as above maybe phone rape crisis to clarify. From what I’ve read you stated you wanted to have sex with him, you actively chased him and tried to get him to cheat with you, you consented when he asked you twice.

[Whodat]

Hi byzantium. I’ve noticed you have posted 11 times in the last 9 months in the is it abuse category. Yes. Yes it is abuse. All of it. This man doesn’t love or respect you. The “love” he showed you at the beginning wasn’t love he simply ticked you into loving him so he could abuse you. Nothing he does demonstrates love or respect. You kind of ask the same questions over and over and rarely respond to any of the very long responses people give you instead just start a new post asking if it’s abuse. Yes it is. It’s absolute (detail removed by moderator) even contemplating having a child with with this embarrassing excuse for a man, he will simply abuse your child as well. For god sake he makes you sleep in separate room in house which only pay for. Imagine your friend told you that, what would your advice be? We all appreciate how difficult it is to leave but this seems different. I think you need to ask your g.p (detail removed by moderator). Please need the advice everyone is giving you. We have all been in your position and we do understand. Sorry if this seems judgemental it’s just difficult tinwatch you ask the same question over and over and (detail removed by moderator). Our answers will always be yes it’s abuse, no he doesn’t love you, no he doesn’t respect you and no it’s a terrible idea to marry or have children with this loser. Read all your own posts and the responses to them . Really read them and all the answers.

 

[Whodat]

You will be trauma bonded to him. It’s horrendous and the end is almost worse than the abuse. He is trying to make you beg and break you down more. Read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that, you can get it on kindle. It will help you understand your situation, it’s honestly life changing. This is going to take a long time but I promise it gets easier. Over (detail removed by moderator) I was discarded and I was bereft, had to go through the whole grieving process. Took a full year for me to feel like a real person again, to stop obsessing over him, the things he did. I was raging for the longest time. The rage was preferable to the severe anxiety and constant crying though. Nobody treats someone they love like this. Most people don’t treat random strangers like this. It’s not normal at all and it’s so difficult to see clearly until you have had time and space away from them. If you can read up on trauma bonding, co dependency etc it will help you. You are feeling the way you do because he has intentionally made you feel like that. Because he enjoys it. What kind of sick person chooses to hurt someone that loves them, and takes pleasure from it. The best thing I did was block him on every single thing and never ever look at his social media. I had to talk about it constantly for months to help me price as everything and let it go. It’s massively impacted my life but I now feel happier than I ever have, stronger and excited for the future. Imagine living in a home wherr nobody degrades you, with someone you can trust and respect mutually. Tell him to beat it he’s an embarrassment to men and start telling people you can trust. It’s harder to go back when your friends and family know what’s really being going on

[Whodat]

Hi freedom fries. Firstly, what you are feeling physically is not uncommon. Many abuse victims climax at the time of abuse, and have feelings of arousal later, your body doesn’t register what the mind does, and many people who have been abused have complicated feelings around this. Please please don’t feel ashamed or like there is something wrong with you. This is a really complicated issue, your mind rewires following abuse, as a coping mechanism and due to various bodily chemicals. please speak to a therapist who specialises in either childhood trauma or sexual abuse. In relation to shitting down I think you are overwhelmed, there’s a lot going on here, a lot to deal with daily and a lot of stuff from the past to process. Can you write down what you are feeling as you experience it? Are you able to force your attention away e.g the colour ofnthe sky, the temp, focusing on what is around you Right now. Remember you have done nothing wrong. Your response to an extremely traumatic event is actually relatively normally and not uncommon. there are many people experiencing the same right now, you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. You just need time and space to process traumatic events from your past. Normal!!

[Whodat]

Hi dededaisy. I’m the exact same. I posted about it a few weeks ago. I feel like a total weirdo, like how could I get to nearly (detail removed by moderator) and not know. I also feel weird looking back and recognising what I clearly didn’t know then. So I ask on here when I’m not sure. I talk, a lot, to friends who seem to be in normal relationships. I read constantly, to understand myself, co dependency, red flags, trauma bonds. I now understand I had a pre disposition to abuse stemming from child trauma, I understand why I think and do certain things. I am slowly learning about boundaries and I’m not kidding see when I enforce one i feel like the ultimate woman. I’m not remotely sad when it doesn’t work out with someone I’m dating I feel empowered because in the past I would have stuck it out and ignored red flags, now I’m like boy bye!!Just keep reading, talking to good friends and family, self respect but from an angle of learning and growing, don’t be judging yourself negatively, you don’t know what you don’t know. I have days I still feel down and negative, feel ashamed, what’s wrong with me etc, well hours not days . However I now feel so empowered and stronger than I have ever been
Fine.i might never be normal but that’s cool I’m.alright with that, I’ve always been a bit weird but people seem to like it, I’m just looking through a different lens than the “normal folk” . I do totally empathise with you though, it’s like your detached almost, looking in at the normal folk but you don’t understand the rules. I also have extremely rigid boundaries now but I’m working on that to. Honestly just read and read, you’ll feel eventually like you never knew yourself before this, like you never knew how Amazing you already were. Boundaries, with all people including family and friends has helped my self esteem grow as has doing hobbies and exercise, achieving things for just me has been good for me. I have some bad hours now and again but jeezo compared to a yr ago it’s like night and day, I was on my knees then, no self esteem or confidence or understanding at all. Look at Melanie tonia, she is in Instagram as well as the general internet, brilliant information,focused on you thriving after abuse. You will get there, this will pass

[Whodat]

I think I’m definitely attracted to him. I don’t mean this in an arrogant way but I get a lot of male attention, vast majority of it unwanted, so I don’t feel particularly desperate. He has now pointed out that I never text him first, not in a nasty way more like just asking why. He doesn’t dictate plans, we discuss it together. I have a feeling he might actually be normal. In the past I didn’t know that what I thought was normal was abnormal so couldn’t see the red flags. Im been over cautious now I think but I figure if he is a good guy and he genuinely likes me then he will be patient and understanding. Think ill do some more reading before the date just to refresh my knowledge. I just wish these losers would have a big red flag flying from their head. I just hope if he does end up like the rest I will recognise it and be strong enough to leave. It’s horrible feeling scared of every man and seeing them as potential abusers. Im also scared he’s normal and he will run a mile when he realises how damaged I am, just cant win really

[Whodat]

Thanks for the advice. We have rearranged for another walk (detail removed by moderator)instead. I didn’t need to explain why, he was understanding and nice about it. I’ll try get those questions in then.

[Whodat]

Can I also add that NO decent man would ever ever ever put his own children in danger. It’s disgusting and embarrassing. Don’t lower yourself to this. Tell your family please. They love you unconditionally, you might not like what they say about him but it will be accurate. He’s the worthless one.

[Whodat]

Hey, I’ve read through your other posts to get an idea of your situation. Listen, without any shadow of a doubt your ‘partner is extremely abusive. His behaviour toward you is appalling, he does not love or respect you. You know this or you wouldn’t be on this site. Clearly he has destroyed your self esteem and self confidence. No normal man does ANY of the things your man does. None. It will not get better. He isn’t bad every day, most of them aren’t. But he will never treat you the way a normal man would, ever. This isn’t going to get better, no matter how long he can sustain the act for. It will get worse. I wouldn’t dream of having a child with this man. He isn’t even in a position to support his self nevermind a family. The fact you say your prepared to lie to your family to allow your future child to be around a person whoncoukd potentially harm them just to keep your man happy is deeply worrying. Don’t have a child with him, this will only get worse and worse. What he is doing is a crime, at least in Scotland. How do you think other men would treat him if they knew everything that was really going on, I mean real me, men who dont abuse women, who don’t prioritise criminals iver their own children, men who don’t live off their women’s pay cheque. You need to get him out your life, don’t waste years on him, you are worth so much more. It doesn’t have to be like this there are men who will love and respect you, never call you names, silent treatment, lies, manipulation. What do youneven love about him really, like what qualities does he have consistently that you love? He sounds like a spoilt little girl having a temper tantrum most of the time. You feel numb because your body is responding to the abuse, Google trauma bonding in emotionally abusive relationships, read the Lundy Bancroft book, Google depersonlaization flight and fight mode. All these things apply to you. Have you visited your g.p? There’s a good chance you are understandably depressed. We have all been where you are now, thinking this is all we deserve. It isn’t. The end is horrendous and yo you will want to go back to stop the pain but if yoj can stick it out your life will be amazing, you will be so much happier and you will look back and think wtf was I thinking!!! Please don’t fall for this act, most people are never capable of treating any human being the way he has treated you. Can you imagine ever treating someone you love like this?? No of course not. He’s a grown ass man who does no better and is fully responsible for his decisions and he choose to treat you like you are worthless and that’s because in his eyes you are, you are his property and you better do as your told. You are worth so much more. Know your worth!!!!

[Whodat]

I’ve just went and skimmed your original posts. So he smashed a bottle over your head? That’s abh and you will not be allowed to drop the charges it doesn’t work like that. It’s also way beyond abuse. The threats etc are also abuse. Your dad being abusive to you as a child made you more susceptible to ending up in abusive relationship but that doesn’t mean he can’t see it in others. If your ex is trying to saying that your dad caused this situation then he is manipulating you and trying to isolate you from those who can see it. However, if what you are saying is that you made that stuff up then I strongly suggest you see a counsellor yourself.

[Whodat]

I haven’t seen your original post but the police don’t charge people without reason to believe he was abusive. Also why would he have to go to therapy if he didn’t do anything wrong? It sounds like he has manipulated you into believing he isn’t abusive. My extremely abusive ex also doesn’t think he was abusive. He was. There are many witnesses. Like I say I don’t know what brought you here but there must have been something. Were you happy?did you feel respected?loved?cherished? A priority to him? Did you first him? Was he kind to you at all times? Abusive episodes don’t always happen daily. My ex was fine until he wasn’t. Started off a bed episode every few months which I made excuses for, till eventually several times a week, I felt unloved and unwanted, less than, not good enough, always trying to fix thing about myself. End of day he treated me in a way that I would never treat another human being. There is never a good enough excuse for it, because it’s abusive, I don’t need him to confirm or validate that. The end is almost worst than the abuse itself but I’m over it now and happier than I’ve been in years. Be very careful taking him back, if he is abusive then the punishment for this will be worse than what you may have already experienced. That was the case for me and it nearly destroyed me. Remember these men are amazing actors, that’s how they get their foot in the door in the first place!!

[Whodat]

I teach child protection and this is extremely extremely concerning. Please please take them to the g.p and contact social work. It’s likely the g.p will if you don’t. They are trained to discuss these things with children. It could be a weird coincidence but its better safe than sorry. However, any injury/pain in genital reason which is unexplained is often indicitaveof something more sinister. I hope we are wrong but you need to trust your mother’s instinct and follow up on this. They won’t directly ask them if their dad’s done x y or z as it’s super important not to put false ideas in kids heads or traumatise them through the process. Please get this checked out

[Whodat]

Hi findmyself, completely normal feelings, I think most women here have experienced this. It does take a really long time but it will eventually pass. I did a lot of deep breathing exercises to help with anxiety, while reminding myself its anxiety not a heart attack,reassuring myself. I also found exercise helped, like hard exercise!! Hiit is brilliant if you can do it,you don’t need equipment and there are loads of videos on YouTube. It releases endorphins and for 30min your to focused on trying to breathe to think about other things. If you aren’t able to do that maybe try yoga. The Lundy book is brilliant and defo worth a read it describes these men’s behaviour why they do it and why you respond as you do. These men are all the same after all. I spent a lot of time reading on here aswell, we will be your support system so post on here as much as you need to. We all understand and talking helps process things, takes the power out of it. I can now laugh at everything that happened to me,not because it’s actually funny but he is so ridiculous, ehat an embarrassment a grown man behaving in such a way. The rage was a real issue for me it lasted the best part of a year and then one day I woke up and it was gone just like that. You’ve every right to be raging,it’s normal after what he did to you. I felt anger at myself aswell for allowing it but the Lundy book totally changed my thinking on tha.. you will get better it’s just a long process but you will be so much stronger after this!!!!

[Whodat]

There’s a charity called reunite that deals with international child laws and moving children. Start noting down every single thing he does, time date, no matter how minor it seems. Note how much time he spends with children, how much you help you do, everything you do for them etc. You will need to go through the Spanish system, which can be slow but if you just take them it will be considered abduction as Spain is now their habitual residence.

[Whodat]

Hey bumblebee. As with anything there are no certainties but the you are posting in women’s aid which would suggest you are not happy at the very least. If family have noticed his behaviour and think he’s abusive then it probably is. It’s easier to see on the outside. If he’s abusive he won’t change,therapy etc doesn’t work on these people. I was in the same predicament but I stayed and ultimately he discarded me, it was horrendous. Bybthen I had no confidence anyway and was for sure suffering with depressions and severe anxiety because of him. To be honest i highly doubt he will suddenly change into a kind and loving partner. These situations tend to get worse over time. Like you I would sometimes argue back, which made it worse to be honest,he would basically punish me in some way later, but at the end he said i was too independent, which I took to mean that I wouldn’t fully submit to him lol. If you can download Lundy Bancroft ‘why does he do that’ it should help clarify your situation for you. It’s a brilliant book and it really opens your eyes. Keep posting here,research and stay safe!!

[Whodat]

Well done sunshine!!the fact you recognised it, set a boundary and walked away when he crossed it shows great strength. Let it boost your confidence and self esteem. You have nothing to be embarrassed about,you tried to reason with an unreasonable person. You are normal, his behaviour was not. It’s like dealing with a stroppy toddler. Brace yourself as there is a good chance he will try and come back. He will be fuming you did it beg and beg. Like you say live and learn. We have all been there! When I come across these people now I ask myself would I ever treat another human being like this, no matter how hurt/angry I am,if the answer is no then it’s bye bye boy

[Whodat]

You are not an idiot. I tried to end it and the ex sucked me back in promising to fix things only to discard me with a whole list of everything he feel a is wrong with me and how I have ruined the relationship. Embarrassingly he sucked me in aagain only to do it again. All this over the space of a couple of months. He didn’t want to fix it he wanted to dump me to appease his ego. He swans away as though nothing has happened and I was on my knees with crippling mental health issues feeling absolutely worthless. He did it on purpose. That’s what they do. Good news is over a year later I’m a totally different person. Normal people don’t, or even can’t, treat other humans like this. It probably doesn’t feel like it now but you have certainly dodged a bullet. Now read and research everything about abuse and abusive men. Understanding this isn’t your fault in any way shape or form will really help you increase your self worth. You can start again no matter your age but he is stuck with himself forever. I thought i was heartbroken but it was a trauma bond, knowing that helped me process it as I had previously beat myself up for feeling the way I did,I felt great shame and that took a long time to move on from. But I have now because I recognise I am normal, I was responding to a very traumatic situation with someone who is absolutely not normal!!!

[Whodat]

Aw jeezo all these men are EXACTLY the same, it’s cringeworthy really. The fact that you feel guilty and bad etc would suggest he has worn you down so much that you are now effectively gaslighting yourself. Would you ever do any of the things he has done to you to any other human being? Like ever seriously? He is just kidding on the has changed to get what he wants. The old carrot of a baby. My ex did the same. I’m not judging you at all, I didn’t even have the strength to leave, it’s so hard to gain clear perspective when you are in it. He ultimately discarded me, thankfully before I fell pregnant, in the most appalling way and the effects on my mental health were catastrophic. Think of healthy normal relationships you know, do those men scream shout swear criticise degrade humiliate lie cheat and god knows what else. Na they don’t coz it’s not bloody normal. You can and will do better, he can’t do though, and that’s not your fault. Don’t feel bad you are not responsible for his actions or feelings, he is a grown man who chooses to abuse women. Do you think he genuinely cares about your feelings?did he care when he broke your heart by calling the wedding off in what effectively sounds like a temper tantrum? If he was normal he would absolutely understand wanting to wait for marriage and babies given the circumstances but he doesn’t and continues to try and guilt you in to it. Not normal, not love, not going to change!!!!

[Whodat]

Hi sunshineee. I did the exact same as you, met a man a few months after end of abusive relationship. I thought he was the opposite of my ex and convinced myself I liked him but in hindsight I did not. I was extremely vulnerable at the time and told him my whole story. Ask yourself what kind of man would even be attracted to a woman who is that vulnerable? He also told me his ex abused him, which Lundy Bancroft (read his book it’s life changing) warns is indicative of an abusive man. I decided to be single for a while to work on my boundaries and self esteem and now a year later I feel stronger than I ever have and confident if I meet one of these pathetic losers again I will either recognise it before starting a relationship or have the strength to leave immediately if it happened later. Read read read,once your eyes are open it’s impossible not to see it clear as day. These men are basically predators looking or vulnerable woman who can’t set boundaries and/or have low self esteem and will tolerate their behaviour. It didn’t take me long to stop loving mybex after unrealized what he was but it took a full year to process all the things he did and said iver the years. I would defo have benefited from just staying single during that time. I think I just wanted a relationship because my ex had made me feel so worthless but I now know that confidence and self esteem comes from within. But yeah in answer to your question you are not being over sensitive, best case scenario he’s an inconsiderate arsehole but I would get this is the beginning of him eroding your trust and confidence.

[Whodat]

You’re brain will try and play it down, self protection. Write all the incidents downs that you recall, I did it,18 pages front and back,then few months later a further 20 pages of stuff I had forgotten about. Totally get what you mean though,I need to get my family and friends to validate what I went through feom time to time because like you I think was I been dramatic, was it just normal fights,was it F. Ted Bundy was apparently a nice guy so there you go…. my dad was an absolute gent,my parents separated can’t recall one incident of him ever shouting at her,calling her names, disrespecting her etc, it’s not normal or ever ok. I remind myself often your dad wouldn’t allow this for you or your mum so don’t you be accepting it. Don’t feel bad about your feelings though, it’s normal because your a normal person who loved him in a normal way. He’s the weirdo who can’t accept normal love or give it!!!these feelings will pass with time

[Whodat]

I was like this initially. Swinging between despising him to missing him dreadfully. O just kept repeating to myself you don’t love him it’s just the trauma bond making you think that. Also continually reminded myself he definitely doesn’t love me and likely never did. Harsh and heart breaking but somewhat effective. I think Christmas is a sentimental time of year as well. This will be the first festive period in many years where I’m not going to be in floods of tears and won’t be getting dumped. For whatever reason he was his worst at this time of year and I had started to dread it. I honestly thought I would never stop missing and loving him but its a loads of nonsense, what did I even love? When you fully look at the big picture the good times were few and far between and actually were not even that good, just good in comparison to the appalling verbal abuse, lies,gaslighting etc. You will get past this. I go between not caring and absolute rage that he got away with it but it beats the heartbreak and I know I’m nearly at the end of this process, no longer feel empty,even look forward to the future. He has taken enough from you don’t give him anything else, think about your future imaginary partner and what you actually want and will not accept

[Whodat]

Consequentive abusive relationships for me too. I think I didn’t take any time to think things over after the last one,I just thought he was a controlling a hole, didn’t consider why i allowed it and why i stayed. I’ve spent so much time thinking this time that ibfeel confident I will notice the red flags and leave if it happens again. I feel ive been through all the stages of grief and accepted it’s over and I’m glad it’s iver. I just want to stop being angry because I’m bored thinking about him and I want to move on. Honestly never had a clue relationships ending could cause this much bloody grief and healing, suppose that’s a sign in itself that the relationship was definitely not normal. I often used to say to him he only has two emotions happy and angry, wish I had realised what that actually meant at the time!!

[Whodat]

Hi tiffany thanks for replying it gives me hope that this stage will be over soon. I really think this will be the last stage then he’s gone. Can’t wait!!I know logically it’s not my fault but its hard to let go of that voice in your head which I suspect is actually things he says that I’ve internalized. I’ve spent so much time reading about this and having the knowledge about trauma bonds etc has helped hugely. It’s just this last bit of rage that he thinks it’s acceptable to treat another human like that and the intentionally cruel discard

[Whodat]

Hi eyesopennow thanks for replying. I will defo try the letter thing, I think I partly replay things in my head and imagine what I would say to him because i have no outlet for it. Bitching to my friends doesn’t have the same effect, although they have been amazing. It’s pissed me off he still has space in my head.

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