Aliceinwonderland

[Aliceinwonderland]

It’s perfectly normal to react this way, counselling process has probably brought up a lot of things for you to process and work through… I went through exactly the same thing with vivid nightmares and occasionally still get them. The pain you were not able to process during the relationship seems to pop it’s ugly head up when you least expect it.
It’s also natural to grieve and it comes in layers…be kind to yourself healing takes time.

[Aliceinwonderland]

I love this… abuse changes you as a person. It has taken me years and I have celebrated lots of mini successes… I wonder if we ever fully heal or just become different people if that makes sense?x

[Aliceinwonderland]

I am (detail removed by Moderator) on he divorced me for (detail removed by Moderator), having controlled and abused me for years.
(detail removed by Moderator) . He should have taken his belongings months ago… still hasn’t.. still has his mail sent here…furious with me for returning to sender rather than giving to him despite me asking him to get it redirected over a year.
Still threatens to go bAck on (detail removed by Moderator) … even though it’s been (detail removed by Moderator). After all he is above the law.
Ignores every request to give medication, help with homework when he has children.
Mine will never relinquish control. Co-parenting is nightmare.
I will be following for advice.
I’m no longer in danger, but emotionally it is so difficult and hard to move on.

[Aliceinwonderland]

I initially felt the way you do my ex got engaged super quick, she loves social media and I do look occasionally she actually asked me to follow her as she posted some pics of my children.
I think he will do exactly what he did with me and his ex wife… this one is the 3rd… he won’t have been honest about his abusive behaviour or she wouldn’t be with him… he won’t truly reveal his nasty controlling side until they are married. I hope he has changed but I know he’s back on drink.
Also don’t think it was you that brought that nasty side out in him, the abuse was never your fault and never will be, nor was your reaction to it. Be thankful you are free of him.
Try not to let loneliness see you looking at things with rose tinted spectacles… my ex had his good side but he was so controlling, manipulative and abusive it was all part of a game to manipulate and get his own way…
I’m much better without him.

[Aliceinwonderland]

The advice won’t be appropriate for everyone and every situation is individual but just thought it might help some. Also yes I agree we need to keep updated on information as it is changing and government guidance is also changing daily. I hope you all keep safe and do whatever you need to do to keep safe.
I was lucky he agreed he shouldn’t have contact and follow the 14 day isolation rule…shame it’s taken a pandemic for us to actually agree on something.

[Aliceinwonderland]

Thank you freedomfries01. I’m feeling so horrible at the moment like there’s this big ugly thing inside me… I mentioned it briefly during counselling sessions but I was dealing with bigger issues at the time as in keeping myself and my children safe, supervised access, solicitors and his crazy behaviours… it never seemed a big deal… now things are quieter I guess. Also he’s met someone new and is engaged which seemed to trigger me. I attempted a relationship with someone new and ended it because he wasn’t right and I wasn’t ready.
He did me wrong but I feel like the failure.

[Aliceinwonderland]

I know what you are saying is right but I’m not sure if I can bring myself to do that. The children like to see us being friends, and in my heart I’m hopeful we can do that. Also on a practical level I will struggle, my family don’t know the extent particularly that attack and I can’t bring myself to tell them. I feel like it would open up the floodgates and things would spiral out of control… also zero contact is something I don’t know I can do with someone who I loved so much. I still care for him… it’s so messed up. Perhaps this is where the feeling of worthlessness comes from…

[Aliceinwonderland]

I did intensive counselling and it was exactly what I needed. It gave me validation and made me realise I wasn’t crazy,I was abused. It’s completely confidential and can’t be used against you. If anything it supports the fact that you are taking responsibility for your mental health which is just as important as your physical health. I paid mine privately and have absolutely no regrets. The support on here has been great too and well needed. Just remember you are not alone and you don’t need to do this on your own, get all the support you can. And good luck.

[Aliceinwonderland]

Hi New beginnings 1234,
I had a similar kind of thing happen a while after he left. Sometimes nightmares sometimes odd dreams. It was weird because I had insomnia and dreamt very little whilst in the relationship with him. He used to set alarms off hourly to keep me awake and do odd control games all the time…
My therapist advised me to write them down as they are a way of processing your thoughts and feelings… I also googled dream interpretations and found it quite helpful… sex/ rape in dreams is often not a direct meaning it can be that you are processing thoughts or feeling about power or control. I found it helpful to read interpretations and it helped me understand my own feelings more….
Being in an abusive relationship is hell but for for me it became normal and it has taken a long time for me to process the trauma and many if the things that actually happened in the relationship… I still have a long way to go… I still have nightmares and wake up panicking and they can put me in a mental wobble for days…
Just try to be kind to yourself x

[Aliceinwonderland]

Thank you ladies, I think my self worth has been so low at times. But slowly realising it will never come from just having a boyfriend/ partner especially one that isn’t right for me. I need it to come from me for the time being. It’s so easy to get caught up in a relationship but the minute a man makes me doubt myself again I think I just need to show him the door and hope it doesn’t hit him in the backside on the way out xxx

[Aliceinwonderland]

Thank you fudgecake for your kind words. You are right I didn’t make my ex do those things, he was an alcoholic. I guess what has happened has made me realise I am not over that. I have also realised I need more time on my own to recover and heal from that.
I can’t offer the love and intimacy to anyone else yet because I’m scared of the position it might put me in. (removed by moderator) years I was on a rollercoaster Where I loved someone so much I forgot to love myself. I have asked for space from my current relationship and I think that’s The best thing for now.
It feels so hard to move on and maybe this is a step back but it’s one my gut feeling is telling me to take right now xxx

[Aliceinwonderland]

Thank you kip
Yes I think you are right, he has no right to still be in my life but he will use the kids and contact as an excuse. It does trigger me quite badly.
He just seems to wheedle his way back in despite my efforts to get him out. I have changed all my passwords so he can’t access my social media but I’m going to take a break from it for a bit.

[Aliceinwonderland]

I have had some counselling and it has helped enormously, I just seem to go in and out of stages of happiness/ extreme sadness. It can be exhausting because some days I’m happy and I think I deserve this but then I get a flash back or a bad dream and I’m back there. I guess it’s part of the recovery…

[Aliceinwonderland]

Thank you FTC and Fridges, I know I am unhealed but seeing red flags this early on is s good thing. Thank you fir reminding me I need to choose myself I nearly lost my sanity with my ex and I believed it was all my fault. I can’t risk losing myself again as my children are the only important thing to me right now. I think I will try the programme I have supportive friends and family but it still hurts after everything, they will say they like him. He was often drunk, abusive, controlling and put the fear of god in me, after throwing hot drinks on me. He had everyone convinced he was this nice, charming guy. He only showed his nasty side to me. I’ve had about over 20 sessions of therapy to confirm I’m not mad as he convinced me I was unstable. I am happier without him, but I don’t want to be on my own forever.

[Aliceinwonderland]

This is such an interesting topic. I had so many red flags prior to marrying him. Also experienced physical violence and the Shame and secrecy of it. In hindsight I had little self worth, I believed he loved me, I didn’t believe I deserved better. I hoped he would changed.
After all those years and now single I still have low self worth but right now I am staying single until I feel I deserve better. Just read the book ‘living with the dominator’ and trying to educate myself, as I was so desensitised and normalised his behaviour. Also I plan on doing the Freedom Programme as I am so terrified of slipping into this kind of trap with someone new.
Big hugs to you Maddog, I understand you find the love you deserve and a group where you belong. I have family and friends who I love but I feel very much a lone wolf on this journey xxx this group helps me enormously xxx

[Aliceinwonderland]

Yes I needed to hear that it’s not my fault and perhaps she’s said it and I haven’t been able to hear it over my own thoughts. Also being questioned by friends and family who believe he is this laid back charming man who has a tendency to drink too much.
Also the question did he do it on purpose? I now believe he did, but it’s a grey area for some. Whether he did it consciously or subconsciously because he was so insecure and needed control. He still did it on purpose. Years on I am hearing this for the first time, I mean actually hearing it.
I hope that makes sense?

[Aliceinwonderland]

I think she was trying to explain why recently I am doing risky behaviour with men. I am vulnerable atm, I seek excitement because although it was toxic and damaging to me. It was never boring. Not good things for me to hear but necessary for me to understand I guess…

[Aliceinwonderland]

Thank you TS and all the strong women that have given me the feeling it is not my fault. I slept better last night just focusing on this one thought and it’s something I needed to hear for a long time. I have bought the book ‘living with the dominator’. Even though we are not together I still have contact via child handovers. Once I have read it I am going to look at the freedom program.
I need to be single atm and I know this. My therapist has helped with various issues so I am going to go again as we have built a relationship and I can’t imagine starting over again and going back over things.
Again thank you for the words of support when I’m having a wobble it helps to hear from others that have been through it.

[Aliceinwonderland]

Thank you so much for the responses ladies I think coming out of it I felt so worthless and so stupid and it is nice to hear that it is not my fault. He was so charming, nice and laid back with friends and family they all struggled to believe he did those things on purpose. But processing it in hindsight I think he did, because he was so Jekyll and Hyde about it.
I was going to go to a women’s aid contact centre for advice but have only had private counselling so far. There is still so much ahead. I agree I am best on my own for now but it’s hard xxx

[Aliceinwonderland]

Yes she is, I don’t think she is blaming me. She wants to help me understand. Perhaps it comes across like that because I blame myself. I have recently started risky behaviour again with men and she said sometimes you can get hooked on the excitement etc. I seem to be in a pattern of behaviour, nice guys bore me.
My ex definitely used my dad’s death in a disturbing way to continue my trauma. So he did it much worse than any of the others. But I want to break this cycle.

[Aliceinwonderland]

So sorry to hear what that man put you through, it was horrific trauma. I recently had a counselling session because gradually I am feeling pain and depression over old unresolved traumas. During the abuse you become numb to it in order to cope and survive. And now you are out of it your brain needs to process these experiences, it sounds like severe PTSD to me.
When I’m going through a tough spell a phrase that helps is that you have survived the abuse/ trauma so you can survive the recovery. I have been tempted by medicating too as I have days/ weeks where it feels like too much and I’m not sure I’m coping.
Remember you have been through a lot, you had the strength to get out and with the right support you can get through and recover. I hope you get all the help and support you deserve.
I’m sorry I can’t offer more practical advice but I know your pain, panic attacks are awful and living in fear is debilitating. I am on a similar journey too atm xxx

[Aliceinwonderland]

I understand your anger and pain. My Ex was so handsome and charming that I had a real struggle with my family that I was doing the right thing ending it. I told them about the abuse and initially they all said he can change, after years of giving him a chance to change I had to tell them it was my choice. It broke my heart that even after Physical injuries and an emotional break down, these people thought I should give him another chance. He’s stopped drinking and abusing substances now but no chances can be given, for I need to put my own sanity first.
I have spoken to another lady in a similar situation and as soon as she said ‘was he violent?’ I said ‘yes’ and her response was ‘mine was too and you just feel so ashamed don’t you?’. That hit me hard because I was initially so ashamed I let it happen. I feel angry too and some days I feel so overwhelmed by everything I don’t know what I’m feeling and what wonder if I’m mentally unwell. My therapist confirms that I’m not but it’s difficult.

[Aliceinwonderland]

Another life, thank you and what beautiful words. The aftermath is just so complex for many women, I struggle with panic, anxiety and insomnia and sometimes it’s hard to focus on the good. But you are absolutely right that little bit of strength and love can grow. He made me feel so worthless but one day I will know and feel in my heart that I’m am not.
Thank you again for the lovely words and positive thoughts, they were much needed today xxx

[Aliceinwonderland]

I’m literally in tears reading these messages of support, thank u so much. I am so thankful for u wonderful supportive women on here. It’s so hard to not be cynical and thinking all men are awful atm it seems I choose bad men time and time again, this one was my longest and deepest relationship and also the most destructive. I’m thinking this feeling will pass and is just another bit I need to get through. Recovery seems a strange process too.
Thanks once again to u beautiful strong people on here xxx sending the hugs back xxx

[Aliceinwonderland]

He backs off a bit when I make sure an older male relative of mine is present, and luckily my family see him for what he is and are happy to support. They said I should stop mediation with him as he obviously sees it as a joke.
Our children love him and I would hate for him to have an excuse to turn them against me which is why I don’t want to reduce their contact with him.
When he has sorted suitable accommodation I’m hoping he can do pick up/ drop offs at school so I can minimise contact with him.
I feel so up and down since I ended the relationship, at first elated because I thought he had overstepped line and I managed to persuade him to leave, I know I can do this and keep strong. But some days/ weeks I just feel rubbish and alone in my battle with him.
If I didn’t have this group I wouldn’t know anyone to talk to that had been through similar. A lot of people still say to me it’s such a shame and they hear he’s quit drink and wonder if he’s changed. But I know I can never trust him or live with a man that gets off on my fear.

[Aliceinwonderland]

I agree freedom to choose, men shouldn’t be allowed to make up all the rules. With regards your current crush, I had 2 whilst still with the ex and never acted on them. At the time it was escapism because I was in a horrid situation and couldn’t see a way out. Also I would never have spoken to another man or dressed to provoke because I was under his control. In hindsight there was no harm in having a fantasy about a man and it coming to nothing. Often the fantasy is more enjoyable than the reality. There is a reason or a feeling you have for not acting on it at the moment so trust yourself xxx

[Aliceinwonderland]

I think it’s a struggle for us all in this community. Learning that there are people out there who are not a threat and are good honest people. I recently read a book called ‘women who run with wolves’ and it’s been brilliant, it’s about ancient wisdom we have abd how society tries to repress us and moderate/ change our behaviour to fit in, be good housewives/ mums etc. I’d love to be able to trust my instincts and intuition again, after years of ignoring red flags etc left me in the position I was in. I have been quite brutal and cynical with the app, and used it to get what I wNt for now (which it did luckily). A nice chat and flirt with someone with no other expectations or pressures 😊 x

[Aliceinwonderland]

I’m glad you are moving forward Maddog and slow is definitely best, give yourself all the time you need. I’m not keen for another relationship tbh but I just wanted to prove to myself I could do it (relative literally waited in car outside venue for me). I’m glad I did it but it is just one little step. I know apps have very dodgy people on them, and I will be having a good chat hopefully with my therapist soon as nothing is simple atm.

[Aliceinwonderland]

That’s awful Kip, I haven’t reported him yet he agreed now to supervised contact but his crazy behaviour is escalating. His mum said he’s a broken man and told me not to let my anxiety take over. I am desperate for next mediation session, she convinced him with supervised contact and if anything after recent events things will need to tighten up.
It’s just exhausting, not sleeping and knowing he will use access as means to get to me. He kept saying if he did drink and drugs test it wouldn’t change anything anyway, but because his behaviour still so unpredictable I’m determined to push firbit before any unsupervised contact. It’s hell having to stand up to someone who gets off on convincing everyone I’m the crazy one.

[Aliceinwonderland]

He has broken my finger in past being too rough, I have written down incidents which could have been prevented, rough play with my son that resulted in cut knee and when he told my daughter to hide in blackberry bush in hide and seek and she got cut. He is reckless by nature, he says he feels bad after this time, but I don’t see any emotion in his face at all.
I never wanted to hate him but I’m so mad and so angry that the system makes it hard for me to protect my children. I have had no sleep and anxiety in full swing again. Though when they are home with my I feel calmer but just guilty I have no power to change him and make him more safe.

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