Alicenotichains

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He is using financial pressure to make you feel stressed and uneasy so yes it is financial abuse. He has no legitimate grounds to demand money back that he chose to spend on a family car…for his own children and pregnant wife. When you work hard and are responsible, it is very stressful when your ex starts making ridiculous financial demands. It causes you to worry- which is exactly his aim. I have had problems with post relationship financial abuse. It’s tough. Keep a diary of the ways in which he is financially abusive and then you can evidence his behaviour should you need to. You can demonstrate a pattern. My ex husband totally withdrew all financial support for the children- we survived despite him which he probably hated. Periodically I get bills with his name on that he has had redirected to my new home address. Bills that have absolutely nothing to do with me, but are demanding money for late payments that he has failed to make. It’s a pain having to phone the companies and explain why that he doesn’t live here and that it’s part of a campaign of financial abuse. I have wasted whole lunch breaks at work trying to sort these things out and then not had anytime to eat. They will abuse you anyway they can- I am sorry this has happened to you- just keep doing the right thing and karma will sort the rest out x sending you a big hug x

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Learntoliveagain, hello- I am a post abuse survivor who once held onto my husbands ankles and begged him to stay with me, I didn’t even know that i was being abused. The path out isn’t always forwards, sometimes you need a couple of backwards steps which remind you why you want to go which then then propel you forward. I didn’t think I would ever leave, I just resigned myself to the fact that this was my lot, but actually I surprised myself. I have a totally unrecognisable life now, when the time comes you will do what you must do, treat yourself always with compassion- there is no fixed plan or timescale that you need to adhere to. You are not letting anyone down by staying or going. It’s very very hard. Stay strong, never lose hope and when the time comes, leave safely. I would strongly advise against sitting them down, alone and telling them it’s over. They can flip out- even if there has never been violence before. Stay safe and keep going, lovely lady. You are very special- don’t forget it x

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Oh my goodness Allornothing, what a lot you are having to deal with. I can relate to the frequent disappearing acts and the enormous levels of anxiety that these unexpected absences can induce, especially when you know alcohol is involved. I would be awake for days at at time, phone around all the hospitals, go looking for him, and then he would often turn up without explanation. It was like he couldn’t be an adult and was constantly flicking his “self-destruct” switch and because we were married with kids, it always affected all of us. Fast forward many years, we are now divorced and my life is so much happier and more peaceful. I can’t believe that I used to endure so much stress. When the time comes, you will find the strength to step away from this person, into a more peaceful life, when you can relax and enjoy yourself without having to worry about his actions or moods all the time.
I tried to save my husband for himself, in the end I ended up getting hurt and even worse, my children suffered in that environment. Life doesn’t have to be like this- you do have a choice. Sending you all the very best, you sound like a lovely person- take good care xx

[Alicenotichains]

A bit of a late reply, but congratulations. Christmas is lovely when you aren’t terrified and walking on eggshells. Our last Christmas in hell, my ex kicked the children’s stockings onto the floor as he didn’t want them on the bed and then he (detail removed by Moderator).
Every Christmas since we left has been amazing, I hope this continues for you into the New Year! Single parenting has its challenges (loneliness is one of them) but it’s worth it- well done to you!! Xx

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Wildstar, sending you a massive virtual hug….he is playing with your emotions and your mind by pretending to be really nice. You must be exhausted. It’s exhausting. These mind games fry our brains and we are left feeling totally confused, unable to see what is right in front of us. We are unable to see the danger that we are in. If he has previously strangled you, that would class him as extremely high risk. If you leave him, you must do that in the safest way possible. You don’t owe him any explanation- he will know why. Reach out for help and try and leave safely. It might need to be done secretly, when you are ready. The further away from him you get, the clearer his abuse will become. You have done well to survive so much. I experienced many years of abuse, I didn’t even know that it was happening. It just became normal. Leaving was the best thing I ever did and the hardest. Now I am happy and free. It’s hard but we are all here for you. You must make sure you leave in the safest way possible and Women’s Aid can help you with that- when the right time comes for you. xx

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Wow you have done so well and from what you describe you have so much on your plate to deal with as well as recovering from an abusive situation. It sounds like you feel overwhelmed by it all which is understandable. You sound like a fantastic role model for your kids. Your new partner needs to understand that this will take time and your defences will be up as you don’t want to repeat the trauma that you experienced before. Take time to practice little acts of self love, stop and breathe every now again and don’t forget how amazingly strong you have had to be to get this far. Keep going and you will get to a more peaceful place. This is a hard road but it’s worth it. Wishing you all the very best xxx

[Alicenotichains]

Dear FreshFlowerLover,

Thank you for your post, I am sorry to hear that you were treated so appallingly. The psychological aftermath of an abusive relationship is very hard.You don’t really get a chance to fully process things whilst you are in the relationship. It’s only after it ends that you realise the damage that has been done to your body, mind and soul . It sounds like you tried hard to avoid this escalating abuse, by adapting your behaviour to please him. It sounds like over the course of different relationships he has become progressively more violent. I am so glad that you are safe and that this is over in part. But you feel like you have been broken into pieces.
Can I please send you some hope based on my own experience of what can come next. My husband left me after many years of constant abuse; he had started a relationship with somebody else behind my back. I got traded in for a younger model so to speak. I felt humiliated and worthless. Shortly after I met another man who treated me really badly, I was lucky to escape these situations with my life. The second relationship I ended because I was so scared of him. After many years of abuse I felt totally broken and I had no hope….

Fast forward a few years and with the help of this forum, I didn’t just get my old self back, I have bounced back so much stronger than I ever have been. I live a peaceful life, which is free from abuse. I am free to be whoever I want to be. I got an education, a job, a home, friends, self respect, self confidence, my finally children got to experience living in a calm and happy home. I love my life now and I have grown to really value myself. I have had so many lovely experiences in the last few years, a lot of which can be traced back to the support that I received from the wonderful people on this forum. I eventually met a man who was kind and gentle and I am several years into a healthy relationship. It’s very interesting to notice how different a healthy relationship is to an abusive one.

As an abuse survivor, I see life in different colours- and I value my freedom so much more for this reason.
You have the rest of your life in front of you, take time to heal and practice self love and when the time feels right, go and grab life by the horns. None of this was ever your fault. You should feel no shame or guilt. You tried your best and what happened to you (and to all of us) was despicable. You deserve to be happy and you will be, just keep taking small steps and you will get there, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now x sending you a big hug x

[Alicenotichains]

Hello Apricot,

Well done for posting on here when you are struggling. That is such a wise thing to do. I imagine that you feel apprehensive about starting a new job, it’s a leap into the unknown and unsettling. It can be quite an anxious time but I am sure that once you get settled in you will be fine. These are the moments when you would probably call your Mum for her support and it’s so hard when you can’t. If you also have legal and police things going on, that is such a lot to carry.
Missing an abuser and worrying about how they are, feeling guilty… this is one of the hardest things we have to face. It is very hard to explain to people who don’t understand the particular dynamics of abuse, why we struggle so much when we leave. It makes no sense to us, let alone other people. That in itself can be isolating. That is where this forum is so brilliant- we all understand. Don’t be tricked by the guilt and the longing- this is the echo of the abuse. Do some self care and bring the focus back onto you, you who have survived so much.
Going back a few years, I was in this break away period, where my future seemed uncertain and I felt very alone and conflicted. My mother had passed away and I felt like I had nobody to talk to. I couldn’t see how I would get out of that pit of despair- but I just kept taking baby steps into a new way of living and I kept up the No Contact. It saved my life.
Despite everything you have been though and how hard it is, you are bravely trying to make a new life for yourself which takes courage. You sound like you are doing your best and trying so hard. You will look back on this period in the future and be so grateful for the work you are doing right now. You are sowing the seeds of a new life that is free from abuse. You can’t see from this point where it will all end up, but please have trust that if you just keep going, you will reach a much happier time. This difficult time won’t last forever- just keep going, keep posting. You are going to survive and then you are going to thrive. Your Mum would be very proud of you.
X

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Hello Birdsstillsing,

My children were keen to see their paternal grandparent, (not their father) and they have done so fairly successfully for the last few years. I had to tell the grandparent that to preserve the relationship with the kids, that they must not try and shoe horn the kids into a situation where they would see him. It needs to be totally separate My children don’t want to see their Dad which is a decision they made after a few years of horrendous contact with him where he abused them both.
The apple never falls far from the tree and I can see that my ex husband is similar in many ways to his parents. But occasional grandparent to contact is ok perhaps someone else could go with them to supervise if they are younger. We always have a full debrief after. Often my kids hear various sob stories about their Dad, which we discuss.
A few times the grandparent berated the children for not seeing their Dad and tried to make them feel guilty. I had to phone the grandparent after that and explain the rules again.

It’s important for my kids that they see their grandparent, not too often, we always have a debrief after to check they are ok.
Go wit your gut and make sure you set down some ground rules. Monitor how they behave and allow it to continue if it’s ok.

[Alicenotichains]

Apricot I think that he has made you feel like you are to blame for what he did to you. That is a classic hallmark of an abuser.
I spent many years in relationships with 2 abusive men and to me this kind of thinking was very normal. It was always my fault. I used to feel dreadful after they got angry because I felt that I had obviously caused it and I used to resolve to be better and try harder. The goal posts were always moving so I wasn’t sure what better actually was, but I knew it was my fault. Eggshell walking every day.

Fast forward to now, where I am several years into a healthy relationship with a kind, consistent, loving partner. If there are issues we sit down and discuss them like adults. I can say and do whatever I want, whenever I want. He is supportive, he is gentle, he has never shouted at me, or ignored me, or disappeared, or humiliated me, or hit me. I trust him. He trusts me.
The differences between the two types of relationships are massive. I didn’t realise that what was happening before was so wrong until I got a chance to experience what a healthy relationship felt like.

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Footballfan1 well done for not caving in. It’s sounds like he has tried to pull out all the stops and manipulate you back into his sphere of control. He video called you so that you could see how terrible he looked. His choices are HIS choices. They are not your responsibility. He is trying to activate the positive traits of your character (kindness and empathy) so that you go back to him. It sounds like a nightmare but stand strong and don’t let him wriggle his way back in. You are in a battle for your own soul here. We are all right behind you x

[Alicenotichains]

Apricot, I have read your post a couple of times.
My goodness you have been so much and you have been so brave. You are clearly not a coward, but I know that being abused can leave you hating yourself and questioning your judgement.
You didn’t leave like a coward, you left in the most sensible and safest way you could. You are in fact very brave. Women’s Aid would probably suggest this way of leaving rather than telling the abuser face to face so that they can kick off and unleash a final act of control. That would have been dangerous. You have been smart.
I was in 2 abusive relationships and I also lost my Mother during this period. It’s so much to cope with and it can feel overwhelming. You have been through so much and you sound like you are right in the hardest part.
Don’t be fooled by feelings of guilt and pity, although these thoughts will come thick and fast. You are withdrawing from
A situation which has a strong addictive component and this is like going cold turkey. If you contacted him, it might give you brief relief, but the abuse would soon start again and you would have to start the cycle all over again.
The psychological aftermath of an abusive relationship is one of the hardest parts, and not perhaps for the reasons people might assume. Strong feelings of longing, guilt, yearning, sorrow, mixed with confusion and fear. But it fades. Practice lots and lots of self love. Talk to yourself with the utmost kindness and respect. You are doing brilliantly. In time you will be ok, it’s not an instant recovery-it takes time. You have been to hell, but it sounds like you are climbing back out. In time, it will be easier to see this relationship for what it was. Just keep going. Sending you warmest wishes x

[Alicenotichains]

He will pull out all the stops to try and make you feel guilty, or frightened, or that you live him… and you may feel guilty but don’t let those thoughts fool you into thinking that you are making a mistake. You will absolutely get to a place where you feel nothing towards him. It won’t be instant but do trust that it will come.

Be careful when you leave, I am sure you know this- because they can flip when they lose control. Don’t tell him face to face. They can turn nastier.
My ex husband was properly inside my head for years. And now a few years down the line, I feel nothing. Not hate. Not guilt. Not fear. I feel nothing. It’s great. You sound like a fantastic Mum. You will get out of this and you will go from strength to strength. That peaceful, happy, successful life in waiting for you. Go for it! X

[Alicenotichains]

I would also add, that in addition to the perpetrators often isolating you from your support network during the relationship , these thoughts that we have after we have left, alienate us further from other people, because when you have got out, other people kind of think it’s over, but then we are deluged with these unexpected cravings… however when you say to a supportive friend, “I really miss the guy who beat me up, or destroyed me emotionally” they look at you like you have gone nuts. So you learn not to share these thoughts and you become more alone. At the darkest point, when I was out of the relationship so far as everyone else was concerned but then resumed secret contact with the guy and lied about it to others- just to stop the cravings which was some of the deepest pain I have ever felt- I even felt he had isolated me from myself. Like I was split in two. I told bare faced lies to the people who loved me and then I felt more ashamed.

The power of these cravings is not to be underestimated. I realise now that they are probably more evidence that you are a victim of abuse which has affected you to the point your brain thinks in a different way.
I don’t think this is understood enough by support services , the impact of the psychological aftermath and how much it takes to get though it. X

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Hereforclarity, if you can sit the feelings out, without acting on them that is your way out of this. They will get easier. Like craving for a cigarettes when you are trying to give up. Call it urge surfing…I read somewhere that the PTSD flashbacks from domestic abuse can often take the form of intrusive memories of the “good times”. I think lots of people will be able to relate to this. I found these cravings to be the hardest part of the process. My new, happy life only began when I went total cold turkey, I went through the pain of withdrawal and then it cleared and my new life began. This is so hard. I think it’s called cognitive dissonance. Good luck and warmest wishes to you X

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The freedom programme is brilliant but it’s also emotionally demanding and what with everything else I can see that the build up would be overwhelming. Well done for recognising this and booking a Drs appointment. That sounds like important self care. You’ve got this… it’s hard but just keep going and it will all be ok in the end (and as they say, if it’s not ok- it’s not the end) x

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How awful. It’s like having a Terminator chasing you! My ex-husband’s attempts to derail my life petered out after a few years. Every day is a step away, in time he will lose interest. Last year I had a unpaid bill arrive at my new home, with my ex-husbands name it. I think he wanted to remind me that he still hates me. And he doesn’t pay any child support and he Hasn’t done for years. The initial flurry of venom from them loses energy. It’s so hard because you never know when they are going to pop up next. Sending you lots of strength and good energy. It’s hard but it’s not forever- even though it feels that way! X

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That sounds very hard Primrose. I am sorry that that has happened to you. You are not an idiot. Far from. The fact that you ended the relationship so quickly shows that you have identified that he wasn’t right for you, and that your boundaries are working well. You clearly saw the red flags when he tried to accelerate the relationship beyond its natural pace. So well done.

You are not the problem, it’s the men you have abused and mistreated you. They are the ones who cannot have healthy relationships. The good news is that you can and will form a healthy relationship but start off with the one with yourself. Make sure you are being compassionate, kind and loving to yourself. Perhaps give yourself a bit of time to recover. And then look for somebody who treats you with love, care, trust and respect. There are loads of really nice partners out there. Your boundaries will flush out any abusers. You sound like you are doing really well- keep going x

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Music is quite emotive. He is trying to hook you back in using whatever he can think of to throw you off balance and back into his prison. Don’t listen to the songs- he is trying to manipulate you. What will he try next I wonder?
Stay strong- you are amazing x

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Well done for surviving this and recognising that you need to leave. I decided to leave my ex. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive and I just couldn’t take any more. It was awful. I thought I would do the decent thing and sit down and explain my decision to him. We were in my home and we were alone.

That was a BIG mistake. He had never lain a finger on me until that conversation and it escalated, without warning into a full blown physical assault and I thought I was going to die.

If I could go back and do that again, I would at most send a text from a safe place. Or i would just disappear and let him work it out for himself. I think a safe exit plan is what you need. Perhaps WA or the police could help. They don’t like losing control so just be very careful but keep going though. Abuse escalates- it never improves. Life is too short to waste with people like this ruining every day for you. Stay strong x

[Alicenotichains]

Sending you lots of love and strength. I am so sad to think of you sobbing. It is so hard. What you are describing sounds horrendous.

I lived this life for many years. I had no idea I was being abused. I didn’t understand what was happening. It’s not you, it’s him. They ruin everything and they make you think that you have one choice which is to carry on living this miserable life- but actually that’s not true.
There is a whole world out there, peaceful and happy and free and you can be part of it again, please believe me. We all start off thinking we have met a nice guy and the sad reality is that that was all fake. Facing up to that fact is hard- because we hold onto hope and we want to be loved- even more so when you have been treated with such despicable cruelty. When the time comes (and every body has their final straw) leave him and build another life for yourself. Make sure you leave him safely because I know from first hand experience that telling them that you are leaving them face to face when you are alone in a house is an incredibly dangerous thing to do. So make sure you don’t let him know exactly what you are thinking. He is making you feel worthless- but you are far from worthless. You are amazing, stay strong and please trust that you have the power inside you to overcome this, even though you may not feel like it. XX

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Eyesopening, well done and keep going. It feels never ending at the time and it does take a lot of time to heal, but just keep going and perhaps one day you will be reading your past posts and feeling like it all happened to somebody else. I still have the occasional nightmare but they have become much less frequent.

[Alicenotichains]

*in trouble

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Hello PeaceThroughHealing,

I am so sorry you feel so sad. This is a time of grieving for you but you have made the right decision. I read somewhere and also experienced traumatic flashbacks but not of the abuse- I couldn’t remember that- my memory went all fuzzy. I was haunted by flashes of the good times- it was absolutely awful. I used to ache physically to speak to him, I used to worry that he was in toriuke and needed me. I broke no contact a few times only for the abuse to shortly resume. It is hard to break the cycle. Only with time and sticking to no contact did the flashbacks subside. I never thought I would find peace, the PTSD affected me in so many ways- but by far the hardest were the unwanted flashbacks of our “happier” times- which I now realise weren’t that happy. I hope that you eventually reach the peace of mind that you deserve. You will get there xxx

[Alicenotichains]

Hey Worrywart,

I went back and read some of your earlier posts and yes he definitely abused you and I am so glad you are not with him. I think that one of the worst type of abuse is where you are left so confused by it all that you can’t work out whether you were abused or not. Reread your first ever post on this forum and imagine you are reading that about somebody else.

I used to be so confused, I had 2 abusers, one left me and the other I left, but the one I left I felt so conflicted over, I felt so guilty and strange for ages after. I had persistent and intrusive thoughts about the good times which felt like torture. You are healing from being abused by someone you loved and who you thought loved you. No contact or very little contact is your best way to continue to heal. Try not to think about him- instead focus on looking after yourself. He will play games with your emotions for as long as you let him.

You will get though this. Stay strong xx

[Alicenotichains]

Hello SunshineRainFlower,

I know what you mean by starting to get an understanding of the type of men you should be looking to develop relationships with. I had consistently gone for the bad-boy and dismissed anyone else as boring.
Then I had counselling and recognised the pattern and explored why I might be doing that. Then I made a decision to try and make a rational choice and I went out with a nice kind chap, gave him a chance and it turns out that kind and reliable men are far more exciting to be with then immature, abusive ones. The relationship has taken a long time to develop, no love bombing or over the top romantic gestures- it’s just built over time and it’s real. He is good looking, athletic, funny, healthy, supportive and kind. What I have learned is you don’t need to give up any of that when you choose to be with someone kind who treats you with respect and just because you have had disasters in the past it doesn’t mean it will always be like that. Aim high is my advice. Develop your self esteem and just go for it. My self esteem was on the floor a few yeArs ago. You have to fall in love with yourself first- after that the rest just slots into place. I just wish I learned that sooner. X

[Alicenotichains]

My ex-husband took my eldest daughter on a date with someone he had met off the internet. When he was meant to be looking after her when she was ill. I don’t think much would surprise me anymore with him. Needless to say kids eventually have said they want no contact with him

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My experience I describe as “Counter parenting” which is where you start off thinking that you can somehow co-parent with your abusive ex, and then quickly realise that sharing parenting becomes and handy vehicle for them to continue their abuse. He was less of a Dad, more of a weapon of mass destruction. Anything I tried to put in place as a rule or a boundary he would undermine. He withdrew financial support as a means of control, he would do literally anything to the kids to try and get some kind of reaction from me. I allowed them to have limited contact with him but then they got to teenage years and had enough and now won’t have anything to do with him. In my situation I felt that was a decision they had to come to themselves. I sometimes wonder if I should have stopped them seeing him when they were younger as he was a real danger on reflection. I have tried to do the right thing all along- I work full time to make up for his lack of maintenance and we are doing ok. Now they have blocked him out lives are much more peaceful and they can enjoy being kids again. It’s been really hard- your children are your Achilles heel- a perfect way to hurt you. Just be careful and follow your instincts. Document everything as you tend to forget the details. If you are worried about their safety then get legal advice x

[Alicenotichains]

SingleMomSurvivor- thank you. Sending you lots of positive vibes across the miles. I used to tread on eggshells. Every single moment that I was awake for years and years. I used to spend all my energy trying to keep him happy and calm whilst waiting for the next rage.

And now every day, every single day is peaceful, free of drama and life is great. I can highly recommend it 💕

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Footballfan1 thank you for your message. My situation involved 2 abusive exes. One I had kids with, one I didn’t. No contact with the ex with no shared children was easier when I finally fully committed to it.
However the children’s father used child contact to continue abuse in any way he could, he used child maintenance payments and the withholding of payments as a weapon, he used the fact that I loved and cared deeply for the children as a way to torment me as he would do things with them and to them that he knew I would find distressing. The children had a terrible time when they went to stay with him but I mistakenly thought that I was doing the correct thing by allowing them to go, I didn’t realise how bad things were at the time. He played tricks with the kids minds, being really nice and then really nasty, but they adored him until they became older. In hindsight I feel I should have protected them more. So he continued to be very tricky to deal with and then one day, he really overstepped the mark with one of the children and they told me they didn’t want to see him again as they didn’t feel safe and that has just continued. He hasn’t fought to see them as I guess he knows what he has done. My advice from my experience would be to pay close attention to what is going on for your children. My kids are older now, both traumatised by what they went through- both having therapy. Child maintenance payments stopped totally years ago and I have just let that go. Perhaps that was the financial cost of being free.X

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