Beautifulday

[Beautifulday]

Hi there!
Dont apologise for “rambling” at all ! You are not and this is why the forum is here so you can let it all out and others can listen and help:)

Like yourself I didnt post for a few months but kept checking in , you do whatever feels best for you, if you don’t feel like posting then its completely up to you. Also like yourself it took me around 4 months to pluck up the courage to calls womens aid and I think it was for exactly the same reason as you say that I knew they would confirm it was abuse and once I heard that I knew it was true so was trying to shy away from it. But honestly once the lady confirmed what I knew it was like a weight off my shoulders a lightbulb moment. She didn’t judge or pressurise and it took me weeks after that to build up courage to get more help and contact a solicitor. I still can’t believe I did all that because at the time I saw no way out I felt stuck but honestly taking baby steps is the best thing you can do. Take each day as it comes, build your strength and courage. If it takes longer than you thought so be it but at least you’ve made the first step in coming to the forum and recognising there is something wrong. That is a vital first step and you’ve done it . If there were nothing wrong you wouldn’t have wanted to come here thats how I see it. Take it however slowly you want lovely when you are ready you will feel ready and you will know believe me.

[Beautifulday]

@eggshells

Its good that you were so strong to be able to think like that sadly in my case there has been so much psychological and emotional abuse that its warped my mind so much I can’t see clearly. Only when I’m away from thr house and him will I be able to think clearly. That’s what abuse does to you we are all different and all react in different ways for me I’m such an empath I constantly worry about others always feel im to blame etc so its hard for me to just switch off and hate someone. Even though I do hate him for everything he’s done I still can’t stop my mind feeling guilty for what I’m doing.. this is why I’m paying for counselling to get my mind back to how it was, to realise I’ve been conditioned to think like this.. years down the line ill look back and realise how crazy my way of thinking is but when your in the thick if it you can’t see it

[Beautifulday]

Hi @gettingtired
Thank you so much for your reply, from around October I was trying to focus on myself, walking a lot, eating healthy, I was talking to a Councillor as I know I have ptsd and attachment issues.. I was doing very good then around December I relapsed became very anxious and down again and with covid on top. I’ve been ok the past week or two .. I think its just having to still live with him whilst this is going on, if I didn’t have to live with him I think I’d feel a whole lot different.. I hope your ok? I have been thinking of you all xxx

[Beautifulday]

Hi there!
Your situation sounds so much like my own only difference is we don’t have children together.
For years I thought I was depressed, stressed, anxious etc and yes I was! ..because of him! I had never heard of the terms gasligting or cycle of abuse until I came onto this forum back last June. Everything sort of clicked and it was like a penny stopped. I called womens aid my local branch in the July it took me so much courage I was so nervous but it was the best thing I did!! I recommend you do this! They do not judge they don’t say you have to leave they help you with a plan if you want to and are just so helpful and kind, we spoke for over an hour!! Anyway what you speak about I relate so much to! The silent treatment! He would do this so much and on the beginning it was like torture ! I would tip toe around him all day beg him to talk, stand beside him pleading and asking what I had done wrong when I hadn’t done anything, I would sit in the bathroom and cry then all of a sudden hed talk again and I’d be so relieved and grateful he was !!! I look back at this times and think how crazy it is! But we are so brainwashed by them we can’t see its crazy!
Read as much as you can online and books it really helped me understand and gain courage, also writing down everything he has ever done and said but you have to make sure he would never find it. I kept away from home. This helped me s

What you said about him cheating? I remember once he left his laptop on and a girl kept popping up on the chat who i had never heard of , when I asked who it was in a nice enough way he threw (detail removed by Moderator) at my head , I ducked it hit the wall behind me. There was no apology and when I was upset and crying he basically said if I hadn’t questioned him or nagged he wouldn’t have done it so making me feel it was my fault. This is what they do! They’ll always turn it around of you make you feel your in the wrong etc.

What I asked myself was do I want to be here in 5 or 10 years time? And I thought back to how I was as a person when I met him I was carefree, happy, confident, abs I’ve turned into a nervous wreck, anxious, stressed, headache constantly, so many things but im getting better since filing for divorce end of last year. You can do it lovely you can get your freedom. I saw no way out at all and calling womens aid was a first step and one ill never regret xxxx

[Beautifulday]

Hi @buddy
I havent been on in a while, ive just been reading through your post. I really hope your ok lovely sounds like your having a awful time.
What he is doing is trying to get a reaction from you don’t bite for it!! They love it when you bite for it and it gives them a sense of power, if he’s ignoring you do it back play him at his own game, get on with your day and forget about him its hard I know but its the only way it gets through to them.

My H used to give me days of silent treatment id be beside myself, I wouldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep id go to work drained and upset trying to call him etc ..now I dont care I think oh well act like a child hes realised ive stopped caring!!! I look back at these times and think how warped and twisted they were! These men are cruel

If he moves to the other room say yes think its best you do play him at his own game he wants a reaction.

You sound like your getting much stronger and getting there, back in June I felt so hopeless I felt lost didn’t see a way out but by taking baby steps, calling wa, solicitor, getting a plan etc I now see thr light at thr end of the tunnel and know by this time next year I’ll be out of this hell. I keep thinking toward next Christmas knowing ill be my own little place and that’s what keeps me going.

Think of your future and your children’s future this is no happy life for you or them you’ll get to that point you’ll take action believe me it just happens.. hold your head high stay strong and keep making baby steps lovely you’ll get there xxx

[Beautifulday]

I am also living with him whilst my divorce is underway , I was going to separate but then thought no I don’t want to be with this person and separation for me means your still tied there is no cut off, so I went straight for divorce.

Its very hard, are you sleeping in a separate room? If your not i suggest this and also maybe even putting a lock on the inside of that door as you need your private space.
I’ve been trying to get out walking whenever I can and ive also done volunteering when I’m not working to keep me out as much as possible.
Its an awful situation to be in , I know how you feel but just try to look at the light at the end of the tunnel.
Sorry for asking but what will happen after this separation? Is he moving out? The only reason I ask is some abusers will not agree to divorce but a separation because they know they still have you, they still have control over you there is no financial cut off sort of speak.. dont let him manipulate you xx

[Beautifulday]

Hi @optimystic

Like @kip says they will never EVER admit to being an abuser or apologise! If they do ever apologise or pretend they’ve realised what they’ve done its always an act a front. And they usually do this to reel you back in.
In my situation im currently in the process of leaving an emotionally abusive relationship it was also very physical at the beginning. Lovkdown gave me the lightbulb moment and i made a plan to get out.
Anyway whenever id say to him aren’t you sorry for saying that? Or doing that? It was either silent treatment or the answer would be why should I be sorry? If you hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have had to say those things…they will NEVER admit to abusing or show remorse for their actions and words. Even now when he knows I’m going he STILL plays the victim, still calls me the abuser! Sees nothing wrong in the way he’s treated me all these years. These men are crafty, deceiving individuals and to realise they are abusers would mean giving up their power so they won’t do it

[Beautifulday]

Hi Buddy hope you are well

Write down what you want to ask, ask your options about staying in property etc.
I dont have children so didn’t need to ask about that but ask questions regarding this. Ask about timelines how long it’s likely to take etc,
Also mention the abuse to them xxx

[Beautifulday]

Please go and see a solicitor for free advice lots offer this, write down everything you want to know in that 30mins its surprising how much you can ask. If you like the solicitor keep them on hand ready for when you feel strong enough to contact them again. Have you contacted womens aid? I would recommend you do this also im so glad I did and honestly I think it was because of womens aid and this forum that I gained the courage and strength to file for divorce. You can do this lovely. Om also living in the same house at the moment its horrible but im trying to take each day as it comes and take baby steps that’s all we can do and then we will get there xx

[Beautifulday]

Hi @Maddog and thanks for your reply much appreciated.

I think your right some people just dismiss it or font believe it. I’ve been feeling better today but the depression & anxiety comes over me in waves ill be ok and feeling good then bam just like that I come crashing down 🙁 and the worst is i keep smiling at work nobody has thr faintest idea of what I’m going through its almost like I live a double life.

Since filing for divorce ive always been having terrible nightmares mostly involving him and also flashbacks of physical incidents that just come into my mind and I can’t seem to switch off from them . I didnt realise I flinch too until a work colleague said I do. If there’s a loud noise or someone startles me I jump so I think im definitely experiencing some sort of ptsd.

The letter hasn’t arrived yet it should be (detail removed by moderator) and im absolutely dreading it havent slept or ate much and to make things worse hes now being all nice calling me lovely and being all polite even though I’ve warned him the letter is coming I just don’t get it

[Beautifulday]

@KIP
Thank you for your advice and im sorry to hear about everything you went through 🙁
Im not going to get advice from this one friend anymore as I dont want anyone bringing me down and messing with my head. It took such courage to tell anyone and was really shocked by her response, like you say people will minimise it and when your abuser has slways played mr nice guy Infront of friends they find it hard to believe I suppose. That’s the thing the act so charming, kind, caring and helpful around others, ive had people say to me hes such a nice a guy or your so lucky !! And I think to myself if only they knew what goes on behind closed doors :(, ive just got to be strong now and hold it together. Im absolutely dreading Christmas time 🙁 I can’t imagine what its going to be like living under same roof and im dreading the next two weeks as we have a proper lockdown like back in March:(

[Beautifulday]

Hi @buddy @kip
Thank you both for your replies and I hope your both OK.

I was doing so good until i spoke to her 🙁 I’m actually really miffed because if my friend had told me what I had told her I would 100% be on her side, would never defend the man would always take her side.
Its almost as if sometimes these “friends ” are in bad marriages themselves (i know she is as shes told e but its not abusive ) and sometimes I feel they get jealous because they don’t have the strength the leave so try to stop you leaving? I know its a stupid thing to think but I honestly believe it!

When I said about the divorce she was like ohhhh but what about him? Does he has a support network around him ? She knows full well he has no family here mainly because he’s fallen out with them, I said no and she was like awww all feeling sorry for HIM!!!!! I was thinking to myself hang on what about me?? Thhis is thing with these men its all about THEM all the time!!!!!!!

I said back look its my decision and I know im doing the right thing , thinking she would be supportive but the complete opposite! I instantly felt immense guilt , like I shouldn’t be doing this like im a terrible person, im selfish etc .

@kip yes I’ve kept a journal for say the past 2 years and your right I read back through it last night and felt much better thought of all the horrid names hes called me, the physical things he’s done to me and I feel better.

I just don’t get some people

[Beautifulday]

Hi there
Firstly I want to say this is NOT you! You have done nothing wrong! He is vile abuser and you need to start making a plan to get from him lovely, if he’s said he could stab you? This is a threat and could be reported to the police.
You say you do the bills make him food etc basically he is treating you as his own personal slave and by the sounds of it financially abusing you too, if he’s not working and you are paying everything this is financial abuse, its a different story if he’s actively seeking work but if he’s not this is abuse and using you.

Why would anyone want to be intimate with this men? I’ve stopped being intimate with mine because I feel when you are its like rewarding a pet for bad behaviour!! You are giving them the signal that everything is ok, they can treat you like dirt speak to you like dirt then you’ll be intimate with them if you don’t want to be intimate that is completely your choice and you should never feel pressurised into doing it.

If he puts down your family and makes comments about them this is his way or controlling you, trying to warp your mind into thinking your family are bad so in the end you’ll stop seeing them and he will have isolated you this is what they do this is how they fain control.

With regards to the being nice, if abusers were horrible 100% of the time we would not stay! There is always going to be love bombing , little breadcrumbs of affection, nice holiday, little gift , cooking food etc its again all the cycle of abuse and it makes us question the reality. We think oh they cant be that bad they did this or that, or nought stuff for the home its all fake!! Its to keep you, its to mess with your head, its a drip drip effect. Hes controlling you by giving you tiny bits of affection and nice times this is what keeps you hooked.

Have you called womens aid? I would firstly do this and tell them everything your going through they are lovely and will help you make a plan going forward.
You deserve so much better than this lovely xx

[Beautifulday]

Hi @dizzyfossil
And welcome to the forum lovely to meet you.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse my H has done it all through our relationship and at first id be so upset , id be grovelling around him apologising even though I hadn’t done anything as the silence would cripple me but this is why they do it, they like watching us suffer they like making us feel anxious and upset, they like making an atmosphere! This is who they are and usually they know you’ll start talking to them or ask them what’s wrong so dont! Play him at his own game if he’s giving you silence give it to him back get on with your day, keep yourself busy I know this is easier said than done but he will realise your not playing stupid games with him.

Also just wanted to say when I discovered terms and names like you I told him and it was the worst thing as they usually then start calling you these names so beware of doing this, these men are crafty they will most likely Google the things you’ve told him to sort of get one up on you that’s what they do and thats what my H does. He’s called me an abuser hes called me a narcissist! ! They don’t like being called out and will do everything in their power to turn it around make you feel like the bad one so from now on dont tell him anything make your moves private, dony say a word of what the therapist has said or what terms or things you’ve learned otherwise he will most definitely use it against you.

With the love bombing dont be sucked in by it, I used to but not anymore. Its all the cycle of abuse they know they can abuse give silent treatment then at the end of the day go to hug you and act like nothing happened.stand your ground ive started applying the grey rock method.

Stay strong lovely you’ve made the first step by coming here so your in realisation phase, its hard and you will doubt yourself I still do but keep posting here and give womens aid a call you should have a local one and then the ball will start tolling. Take care lovely xx

[Beautifulday]

hi Kip

we have only been discussing the past 2 weeks, she’s taken a day to draft the letter it was sent to me I had to make adjustments, she is doing that today and will send it to me tomorrow. it will then get sent to my husband she is very efficient and very clued up. She knows it was abusive and I can tell she is trying to fight my corner and do everything properly. The reason we were in touch so long is because I hadn’t given her the go ahead to proceed just was getting advice etc, then I had to get all my identification together and take this to the office etc so that took a few days with covid and strict regulations not be able to just rock up etc. so she’s been very efficient so far.
yes I think I will definitely use that as a bargaining tool, if he starts acting up I will instruct for full financial disclosure.

[Beautifulday]

Hi Kip
yes ive been in touch with my solicitor for the past 2 weeks and she’s currently drafting the divorce letter. I told her I want it done as swiftly as possible, I’ve agreed that he will buy me out as hes refused for me to buy him out and I know that if I do stay in the home and buy him out he will make hell and problably be turning up all the time, so I had a good think about it and thought its best I move out then he wont know where I’ve gone. I just want to get shot of the house now I did love it but not anymore too many bad memories.
with regards to getting his money I’m happy with getting the amount he buys me out for I don’t want any of his secret savings I’ve told the solicitior this not only because it will draw the process out and I have to live with him while all this is going on so it will be a nightmare and I want it over asap, but also I know that it will be thrown in my face that I’m a money grabber etc. ive never had no money off him the whole relationship so certainly don’t want it now. we were only married a short amount of time if it were decades and he had life savings, pensions etc then maybe I would consider it but I just don’t want it to go on any longer than it has to.

[Beautifulday]

I completely agree with kip! he is crossing your boundaries and pushing you and he knows it. These men are horrible manipulators who always want to be in control and need to be in control. I agree that you should definitely inform the school and tell them that your not happy with this, it is triggering you and getting you down. Stay strong!

[Beautifulday]

Hi @KIP
Im definitely trying to think with my head and not my heart even though its so hard.
Luckily we never got a joint account and ivr slways kept my own account. He’s never told me anything about any of his money or savings, I have no idea how many accounts he has, if he has savings or scything! Its all a mystery and I know it was his way as you say of keeping control.

The more I think back on our relationship now the more I can see it was always as though he tried to knock me down a peg or two. I have a good job, I went to uni, I did a lot with my life before I met him and was very social had a large social circle I think he secretly was jealous of all my accomplishments and job etc and gradually over the years he’s tried to push me down, I can see this now as he’s getting in in life whilst I’m just stagnating and not getting anywhere x

[Beautifulday]

Hang in there @beachut

I know its easy to say but allow yourself to feel all these emotions, it will be hard and difficult but you are so strong and you can do this.take each day as it comes and keep pushing forward however bad your feeling. Sending you a big hug xx

[Beautifulday]

@KIP
Thank you so much for your reply.

I honestly think he couldn’t care less 🙁 but I dont trust him as before he was telling me he’d burn the house down so I wouldn’t get any money etc so he’s very crafty and has a split personality.
Its just this wierd calmness has thrown me a little. Almost makes me feel im making a big deal of nothing. I just honestly think that anyone who really loved you and cares for you would do anything possible to talk and discuss tidily. He was more concerned with looking at his phone 🙁

[Beautifulday]

I agree with Kip completely! Call his bluff and use this opportunity to get from him! He is doing this on purpose to mess with your head because he knows it will! He thinks you will come running to him, begging, pleading and abusers thrive off this! It makes them feel good. For all you know he may just be saying this then Rock back up like nothing happened expecting you to greet him.
Call his bluff grab what you can and if you have somewhere to go leave! Don’t tell him where you are he will return to an empty home and know your not having it anymore.
Do not fall victim to their crafty little messed up games stay strong lovely x

[Beautifulday]

Hi lovely!

My solicitor told me from thr start how much everything will cost the divorce I total is 550 so not too much , you can do it yourself if you look on direct gov.com but its always wise in these cases to get a solicitor to do it as we are dealing with abusive men who are manipulators. Mine told me exactly how much it will cost for my particular case involving the home and finances and she said it should be around £2000 but of course you don’t pay that upfront its usually in bits, and some allow you to installments. Also if you will be getting money from the home which you will you will recoup all money back!! So please don’t let it deter you all ive paid so far is half the divorce amount so half of 550. Ask the solicitor to give you the costs first they should.

You are strong too! And you can get from him! Believe me, he hasn’t received the papers yet and im dreading it, its probably going to take around 7 months to a year to complete in total she has told me but at least the ball is rolling.

Please get advice from other solicitors and see of there’s fixed fees , or how much they will charge its honestly not that much. I was putting money aside for this ans saved around 2k . But you don’t pay a big whack out in one lump honestly you can do it!

[Beautifulday]

Hi there
I’m sorry to hear about your situation.
I just want to say reading what you’ve said this is definitely an abusive relationship! It doesn’t need to be physical, he sounds emotionally abusive, and also financially abusive, he also sounds like he has covert narcissist traits

Your situation is VERY similar to mine, im also married I don’t have children with him though, but we own our home. Like you we both put equal amounts of money into a house account which just covers mortgage and bills, he earns a lot more than me yet we put in the same amount. After this I struggle every month, I usually buy food for the home out of my money, any furnishings or home decor I pay for otherwise it doesn’t get bought. I can’t afford curtains (detail removed by moderator). He makes me feel if I’m struggling i need to ask but I don’t want to ask. When my work colleagues tell them me their partners pay all bills , or pay for holidays, or work to provide for the home and renovations I really start thinking this is not normal with my H. Im not saying I want everything bought and paid for but surely husbands should want to look after their wives .

Anyway I’m just trying to say about the similarities, what I want to say is you are not stuck! You can get freedom and you will get freedom! I honestly didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel back in (detail removed by moderator), but I’ve come so far and (detail removed by moderator)  instructed the solicitor to draft the divorce letter. We are still living together.
He still thinks I dont have the courage to go through with it.

If he’s threatening to divorce you , get in there first because if you do it will put you in a much better position believe me. I would say defintely get advice from a solicitor some offer free 30 mins just to see where you stand and what your options are once you’ve done this if you like the solicitor keep them on standby, then build courage get your ducks in a row and you will reach that point where you send that email believe me.

Once you seek advice from a solicitor you will feel much more stronger as you know where you stand, it helps you see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Keep posting here lovely we are all here to help you xx

[Beautifulday]

Hi there!

I had no idea I was being abused until I came onto this forum back in (detail removed by moderator) when I felt I was just in a bad relationship as ive been with him so long I can’t see the reality or bigger picture. Once the ladies here confirmed it was abuse I’m not going to lie I felt all sort of emotions, I felt lost I felt confused, I felt scared, I felt angry I had such bad days but also good days and when I look at how far I’ve come since (detail removed by moderator) I have come a long way! Im not out yet but im slowly getting there.

I am severely trauma bonded and my H is emotionally abusive mixed with periods of being nice and love bombing this is what confuses me, when he’s nice I feel sorry for him I feel guilty I think how can I leave him, then I think back to all the hurtful horrible things he’s said and done , I come to the forum, I listen to podcasts, I read books I keep myself busy.

They will never change, and if we get this gut feeling something is not right its usually right and we should listen to this, we deserve to be in a loving relationship, where we dont walk on eggshells where we NEVER have to question is it abuse? We would never need to come to this forum. I just want to be free to be me, live my life alone for a while and discover myself.

I’m not going to say its easy its not you really need to take baby steps, some mornings you will wake up and feel awful I know I do ! But then you keep pushing forward keep taking them baby steps and gradually you will gain courage and strength.
Try to keep yourself busy, I enjoy walking and hiking , others like jogging or swimming, crafting etc whatever you enjoy do it! And if you don’t feel like force yourself to as you will feel do much better, I joined an online (detail removed by moderator) course in (detail removed by moderator) and just seeing others on the zoom makes me feel so much better takes my mind off him.

We are still living together which is so hard but im trying to do the grey rock method, focus on myself and my health and I feel slowly om gaining strength

You can do this lovely, you obviously know something is off in your relationship otherwise you wouldn’t be here, realisation can be hard I know it was for me

[Beautifulday]

@buddy

Brilliant!! Thry are usually doing appts over the phone now and mine is brilliant emailing me.

Write down what you want to know before you talk, explain the situation how long you been together, how long married etc , children.
Ask what your options are if you file for divorce they will normally tell you.

If you like the solicitor, I got on with mine straight away keep them there on standby like I did. Then once you want to file for divorce you just email them saying you wish to proceed.

I’m not saying you do that straight away if you don’t want to, but just speaking to a solicitor will make you much stronger as sometimes the abuser will say oh you’ll get nothing , you’ll not get a penny from me they brainwash us which makes us scared of leaving, once you know the facts it puts you in the stronger position. Do not tell him you are seeking legal advice at this point. Do it all on the quiet if you can xx

[Beautifulday]

The last bit of that came out wrong.. I was repeating what he said “f off if you don’t like it” xxx

[Beautifulday]

Firstly anyone who tells you to F off does not care about you, my H tells me this plus other nasty words and because I was so trauma bonded actually still but getting better I used to overlook these swear words , only recently when I told my friend she was horrified she said her partner had never ever in all the years they had been together told her to f off or shut the f up. It kind of opened my eyes. I dont swear at my H. If he’s telling you to F off if you don’t like it call his bluff and do it, he obviously has no respect for you because if he did he would listen to your concerns and you being upset rather than dismiss them

[Beautifulday]

@feelingtired

Sadly no these men do not change, if they do its maybe 1% and even then its at a push.

If they were so remorseful for their actions and words they would not have kept on abusing us, its who they are, like kip says they brainwash us, we become trauma bonded to the point we feel sorry for them being empaths we always see the good in people, we always want to help people.
He will never change, he may say he will , he may say sorry, he may promise to get counseling but usually its all false to hook you back in, it may seem lovely at first he may seem like he’s changed but he will always revert back to his old ways.

[Beautifulday]

Recently when I asked him about those times where he had hurt me he replied saying I had attacked him fust!! I never did. He also denied a few saying he couldn’t remember and I was making them up, again gasligting making us feel crazy !these men are the worst people ever

[Beautifulday]

@gettingtired

Its like you wrote my life!
Like you my H has been physical but this was more at the beginning of the relationship, after a few years of being together the physical stuff stopped and it turned to more emotional, i think its because he felt he had me by then and changed tactics, I think he was also seeing how far he could push me.( trigger warning) The worst things he did were strangling me , I dont think ive written this before on here but he strangled me, (detail removed by moderator), walked off as if nothing had happened, I had marks all over my neck (detail removed by moderator) and remember the next day trying to cover them up for work, these (detail removed by moderator) incidents feel like a distant memory and he’s never done it since BUT I know he’s capable and im constantly on edge thinking he could very well do it again. I was also back handed in the face (detail removed by moderator)when we argued, (detail removed by moderator). I was dragged off the bed by my hair, kicked out of bed numerous times, he smashed my (detail removed by moderator) to bits, he broke the (detail removed by moderator) of my new car in a temper. Threatened to smash up my car, has recently threatened to smash up the house.

He threatened to put me in hospital so many things, BUT I was so blinded and I honestly believe he stopped the physical stuff as a tactic , in a way he showed what he’s capable of so never cross him in future or else!!!! Whenever I’m doubting myself as horrid as it is I try to replay those things im my head over and over and I think no someone who loves somebody does not do those things! A normal person does not do those things

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