Beenherebefore

[Beenherebefore]

Hi sunshine

Thank you. I think she said it was gestalt? Didn’t talk about whether it dealt with trauma. I’ve been having counselling for a couple of years now and we’ve dealt with so much of everything!

Will look into this though, thank you

[Beenherebefore]

Yes Pearl! Thank you so much. I’m feeling really positive tonight reading all this through again and seeing your post too! You’re right and I think it will be so much easier when I’ve left. Thank you. Hope you’ve had a happy day xx

[Beenherebefore]

Pondlife- you are not lecturing at all. I need to hear it! So badly. You’re absolutely right but alot of the time I cant convince myself without help from you guys. I have been writing down my feelings etc more and trying to get everything out but actually the more I read from you ladies, the more triggers my mind in what he used to do and I genuinely believe I have blocked some ghastly things out which need to be remembered to help me. I have kept social media conversation threads as when I read them I get ‘that tummy ache’ and for me its a trigger that I should not be pining for this man.
And you’re right – they don’t stick to the normal rules, they play games. They love games. It would not be clear cut. I forgot that too so thank you. If I ever wanted to say goodbye to my ‘normal’ exes it would be very straightforward. xx

Eve1 – Thank you x x they definitely are helping. They are like a virtual hug/ cup of tea that only exists here for me. Thank you for saying that its not our fault. I forget alot of the time and start a cycle of self loathing and blaming. But you’re right, its not us.xx

Cuppa – you are so strong. Thank you. I really feel like the cooking thing is a trait- he was insistent I learn to cook (I’ve never been overly fussed on cooking myself) but he kept ‘teaching’ me. Sometimes we would make meals for hours on end and I would have to do everything exactly (and I mean exactly) as he wanted….(don’t ever get me started on egg mayo that’s all I can say!!) He couldn’t drive but I could so he stayed away from that, though of course I was expected to ferry him about everywhere often when he had just been vile to me too or even still was. ‘I’m not playing anymore That is for certain’. I am going to use that line as inspiration to not play anymore either. Strong words, thank you Cuppa x x

I think I would have fallen off the wagon ages ago if it wasn’t for you lovely ladies. Thank you all so much x x x

[Beenherebefore]

Thank you ladies for all your comments! It helped me focus my mind as my thoughts have been all over the place recently. Reading your posts has reminded me the reality that they are all the same- using the same tactics because they want the same outcome.

Sunshine – I adapted it from a short poem I read so it was a joint effort! The ghosts too- I can almost see images of those ‘romantic’ moments as I walk around town. Its surreal. I keep expecting him to walk out and relive them. Like you say, so confusing and sad x x

Cupofcoffee- glad you like it 🙂

KIP- So true. I need to keep channelling that ‘good riddance’ thinking!!

Pondlife- I hear that! Whenever I am called a liar now (even in a jokey way) I end up being quite defensive because I would be called it so often and without reason or from some ridiculous ‘evidence’ that he had made up. If the stool was unexpectedly in the bathroom I had clearly been sending nude photos to other men ???!!! ( I had actually given myself a bath and a hot drink which I used the stool for) for what did I know – I was a LIAR apparently. If I didnt reply to one of my friends in front of him so he could read it I was hiding something and therefore a liar. I used to race home from work (often missing out on info from my boss after taking a class) just so he didnt accuse me of cheating, because if I said I had been speaking to my boss- you guessed it…I was a liar. He confused me so much and cut me off so much that I had to ‘confess’ everything I had ever done in my life (sexually /morally and otherwise) and if, in my fear, I didnt say things I thought he would use against me, I was a liar. I once had a horrible rash on my bits (sorry to be crass!) and he said it was where I had been having loads of sex with other men. The irony was I have never and would never cheat, he failed to see all my efforts were going into making our relationship work!! I had to send pictures of the people I was meeting (which I passed off to friends and families as selfies!) to prove I was going where I said or I was a liar. URGGHH! Horrible! I get that same feeling of sickness now whenever anyone calls me a liar, Pondlife. You really feel it don’t you.

Lover of no contact and Lightness – they weren’t real and for me, that’s the hardest thing to get my head around- they are so convincing. They are the best actors I know!

Hugs to you all x

[Beenherebefore]

We are all here Eve1. You don’t need to apologise for not being positive. We all have highs and lows but what comforts me on here is that we all pick each other up when we’re happy and have support on here when we’re low.

Well done for getting through the day xx

[Beenherebefore]

KIP that’s amazing news!!!!!!!! Well done you! That’s wonderful. You kept fighting and it’s all paid off…an inspiration to us all.

You must celebrate as Eve1 suggested! Yayyyyyyy great news! xx

[Beenherebefore]

Legobricks, these a**holes will try anything to make us believe its our fault. I had depression when I was with my ex and whilst one minute he was reading books to ‘help me’ through it, other times he would be using it against me, screaming in my face that I needed a doctor and telling me I simply couldnt have children if I had depression as it wouldnt be fair on the child. When i mustered the strength to try and get counselling for my depression, he quashed it, so I cancelled my first appointment and my second appointment he belittled to the point that I did not return- again, tactics because he knew if I mentioned his abuse in sessions, I would get help and therefore get stronger and leave. Then he would pick on me for being depressed and tell me that I should be stronger and stand up to him. Then when I did stand up to him he would tell me to stop being so crazy / angry and that I was a physcho…

What I am saying is, he is doing and saying anything to get you to believe that this is your fault. He is playing the victim. I often felt like I was walking through a minefield every day and when I though I knew where the explosives were , the next morning he changed it all again so I had no idea where to step or when. It is not you. You are not picking on him. You are fighting back because you know its not right and that 60% of you is standing up for you and your baby.
A healthy partner would support you through your OCD and work with you to help you combat it, without constantly reminding you of how they have helped you aka how wonderful they are.

I would constantly think that it was me being abusive /lying etc because thats what he made me believe. By the end of it I was hollow and no longer knew what I had done and what I hadnt. I felt like a shell and all that I knew was what he was telling me so when he said I was abusing him, I believed it and blamed myself. Thats how they get you. But dont believe it my lovely. He is in the wrong, not you x x

[Beenherebefore]

Legobricks, we are all here for you. You have started your journey to safety and freedom. This man’s treatment of you is disgusting and you deserve respect and care and love. You may find that you are doubting yourself or that suddenly reaching out becomes overwhelming and scary. Remember to keep looking after yourself in this period and in the moments that you do feel brave (and when you are safe to do so) continue to reach out. I often found the main WA helpline difficult to pick up so have a look for local helplines too that may be less busy. Talking to someone who knows what you are going through can really help. We are all with you here hun, you are not alone. x x

[Beenherebefore]

Thank you Confused123 xx

[Beenherebefore]

P.s. Cuppa, well done you on holding your nerve when he messaged you and reaching out for help. That is something I need to do more rather than acting on impulse x x

[Beenherebefore]

KIP and Cuppa! This:
‘My ex is a liar, a rapist, an adulterer, an abuser, and I fell in love with a man who doesn’t truly exist. He presented himself as caring, successful, and totally tuned into my needs. In short, he moulded himself into the perfect partner, my soul mate, and told me whatever I wanted to hear. I lapped it up. He groomed me. I believed he was the most amazing man I’d ever met and couldn’t believe he felt the same way about me…’

This is so so SO true of my situation! Your post makes me remember that very early on I confided in him about all the bad relationships I had had before him which must have given him a clear insight into my insecurities, what I wanted from a man and what ‘triggers’ I had as well as my emotional needs. Basically giving him everything he would need for his abuse! I always like to see the good in people and kept wanting to believe that he was real and existed because I wanted that love so badly, that ‘validation’.

Again ‘He lied to get me to fall in love with him and he lied, threatened, intimidated and terrorised me, to get me to stay with him, always playing the victim (when he wasn’t intimidating me with threats and actual violence)’
Me too!! He lied. He went to great lengths to lie but then never followed though on what he was saying….he told me my phone was being hacked by his friend so he knew all the messages Id sent, he told me if I told him about every sexual partner Id had he would confess something that he had to tell me (which he didn’t), he told me he wasn’t sleeping with his ex when I’m almost 100% sure he was, he lied to work, he would control me with big dramatic scenes of leaving me, packing a bag and messaging me the alleged number of his travel ticket (I later found out to be rubbish). He lied, oh my how he lied!! How was my brain forgetting this!!!

‘Jumping from extremely aggressive and terrifying behaviour, back to the perfect partner and soul mate I was led to believe he was.’He would yell at me, make me feel like sh*t and then force me to ‘dance’ with him to make it up or as I protected myself in the bedroom he would sit in the living room and shout different obscenities at me as he watched tv. I used to have to hand over my phone / put it in a particular place on my return home, show him I was putting it on loud so he could see I wasn’t deceiving him. If it went off quietly and he heard it, my life was officially over. Yet days later he would send me super romantic memes and text messages as if none of it had ever happened and I was the apple of his eye.

WHEN IS MY BRAIN GOING TO KEEP REMINDING ME THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR!

Phew! Wow. Sorry for waffling. I think I had blocked that all out of my memory a little bit but this post has triggered all those things. What a horrible man.

Thank you Cuppa and Kip. xx

[Beenherebefore]

Well done for being so strong and brave lilaclady. You can do this. This forum is so good because these ladies are always here when no one else seems to understand. Keep reaching out and looking after yourself in this difficult time of transition x x

[Beenherebefore]

Thank you lilac 🙂

Right, for full on boogie-ing, I think a new pair of shoes is in order! x x

[Beenherebefore]

Well done Cupcakes, that’s amazing news. We are all behind you hun x x

[Beenherebefore]

Thank you for this post Pearl. Sometimes the bad days creep in, but this has pepped me up today. Thank you. xx

[Beenherebefore]

Ahhhh ladies, thank you all for your beautiful suggestions. I am definitely a boogier so I will plan some of this in I think for after. I like the idea of getting it all out and then destroying those last bits. I so need a fresh start. I am feeling quite nervous about it because it means finally saying goodbye to who I hoped he was rather than who he actually was.
He will not be at work for the forseeable future so I feel that will help me also as if he was here it could be a disaster x

[Beenherebefore]

Hi Eve1

If you are feeling low, it might end up lifting your spirits and giving you back some control of your life. They wont make you do anything you don’t want to, they are there to help however you need that (and help will be different for everyone).

How pleased and proud would you feel if they can support you?

Also, what have you got to lose if you go along? You wont know if you don’t try hun.

I am only speaking from the fact that WA gave me the tools to get my life back on track and take control again. Be brave x

[Beenherebefore]

hurtnomore, was just flying by to see how you are doing- that’s amazing news! You go lady! Giving you a massive virtual high five!

Get out there and enjoy that sunshine and your freedom! 🙂 You rock!

[Beenherebefore]

You put up your own laminate flooring by yourself! You are truly awesome Lovewithoutcause, go girl! I want to be able to do stuff like that!!! (and you have inspired me to go for bigger projects now!!)

I think you’re doing amazingly with the holiday / redecorating etc and it sounds like you were having a ‘depressive slump’ as you say but I reckon you’re doing everything right 🙂

[Beenherebefore]

Hi mummy
I think Ayanna is right. I stayed with my counselling to overcome the trauma but then started it again when I started dating again and then into my next relationship. This was a massive help to me as it meant I could discuss any concerns that came up and had a second and trained opinion on it. This made me feel safer and make clearer choices.

Be kind to yourself though too as it sounds like you are beating yourself up. You are not to blame here, your two abusers are. x x

[Beenherebefore]

Thank you all for your comments.

KIP- Great idea. I did have a list somewhere when I left but I think it’s time to revisit it. I have forgotten in the past of some of the terrible things he had done, blocked them out maybe (is that normal?) then when I go back to read them I am horrified. I haven’t done this in a while, I think its because I don’t want to remind myself of the reality and that he is not the man I keep building him up to be. But I must. The sensible, logical part of my brain knows I want a healthy, happy and free life and I cannot have this with him so I think you’re right, face facts and the reality of what he is. Thank you. I will check out trauma bonding too.

Prettyflowers- I think because I’m not in the best place at the moment this hasn’t helped but you’re so right, I’m far better off now and want to have a positive life. It’s so hard isnt it though!! When I picture myself with him before it is a dark dreary scene(the colour of my memories is almost black and white) with me cowered in a corner and when I compare it to now, my life is full of colour and sounds. I cant understand what is making me want to return – perhaps as KIP said it is the trauma bonding. I take inspiration from the fact you too are staying strong despite the urge to return, we can do this!

Serenity- Thank you. You gave me some very supportive words a long time ago when I was getting out and you’re right, freedom and peace is what I really want in life. Will look into gaslighting too as I have never been entirely sure of what it is.

Confused123- I think thats the biggest confusion for me (why I would want to be with someone who hurts me . I know he is easily able to and not one happy day wasnt tainted with a snide remark or making up for a highly traumatic episode so I dont get why I would want to go back. Will chart the lists of positives and negatives to help, thank you.

Thank you ladies, I am truly grateful as always. I wouldn’t be sat here living my life like this without your support x x

[Beenherebefore]

Hurtnomore, firstly I wouldn’t answer the sorry texts. I was bombarded with these from my ex for the first year or so, emails etc. It was hard but the best thing I did was change my phone and not give him my new number. I blocked him on Facebook and blocked his emails. This then makes it hard for him to get under your skin.
Then I created a sort of self help book for when I was tempted to go back. In it was all the horrific things he had done, the reasons I can enjoy my life now and reminders of my support network. I got a counsellor and this massively helped me unpick all the manipulation. I knew that I wanted a better life for myself and it was going to take willpower and determination to not fall into the trap. I did nice things for myself and took care of myself so I was healthy and strong in mind as I found I back pedalled when I was hungry/tired etc..
I used this site loads because all these amazing ladies on here have been through what you’re going through and no one understands it like they do. They gave me strength to stay out and they still do now.

This is going to be the hardest thing hurtnomore but you can do it and you will be so much happier, healthier and safer on the other side. Distract yourself and remember that you are the priority. We are all here for you and understand that pull you feel but he won’t change, everything he says is trying to regain power because he’s lost that now you’ve gone. You are wonderful and brave and strong for leaving, you can do this xx

[Beenherebefore]

Me!!! I am experiencing this right now hurt no more. It’s so hard I know but he won’t change. If he was going to, he would have done when you were together. I am going through the same thing now, knowing that it’s a bad idea but being led astray by my positive feelings.
But if I can not go back, so can you! They are no good and don’t know how to treat women properly.
If he was going to change, he couldon’t do it without professional help and if he is serious then he needs to complete that before he even thinks about getting back with you.
A wise lady on here said ‘get out and stay out’.I’m working hard to look after my future self as I know she’s right. Staying out is best but I am here for support as I am going through the same thing xx

[Beenherebefore]

I mean anything I could try, sorry!

[Beenherebefore]

Hi Lovewithoutcause

I agree with Serenity. Counselling has made my self esteem the best its ever been throughout my life (even after an abusive relationship). It can be expensive at between £35-£40 a session but you can pay for the sessions as and when you can afford them depending on your budget and I have seen it as an investment in myself better than any I have ever done. That time and confidentiality and empathetic ear has been literally life changing and has give me tools to work on my self esteem and develop my confidence. It also helps if you have a counsellor you gel with so if you do go down this route, take time to find one that suits you.

Something else I have tried, in the moments I am feeling good, I enjoy making myself an emergency kit for the lower times. My emergency kit includes a handbook with lists of positive things that dont cost money/ involve food (as these are my main weaknesses in low times), letters from friends and family I asked them to write me after I left (they are full of positivity, love and hope – which may be of use if your family are far away) doodles that make me feel better, positive outcomes from counselling sessions, printed memes of inspiring affirmations and photographs of me and friends in memories where I really felt like myself. I also have fairy lights, bath soak, nail polish (again as Serenity suggested), inspiring books worksheets that I found off the internet about developing self esteem.

My counsellor advised the importance of ‘self care’ and I have also found this key and when you are feeling down and as Serenity has said, taking time to treat yourself but also look after yourself. Eating as best you can / sleeping as well as you can. I found that the stronger i made my body (with sleep and good tasty meals) the more i was able to tackle developing my self confidence.

As for make up, I dont think many find it easy….I keep trying to contour my face and keep ending up looking like a chimney sweep! haha. Youtube is a marvellous thing and I’ve learnt how to do all sorts since my split from…giving my own head a relaxing massage to DIY at home. Even if it goes a bit wrong, the empowerment I feel from having a go myself has done wonders for my self confidence. How about sitting down with it and finding a look that suits you.

Also, give yourself time and accept that it may take a while to crack your self confidence and thats ok. They wear it down until it’s virtually non existent so in that way, you are basically starting from scratch. You can do it though and you will feel so much better and happier as you continue to regain it. xx

[Beenherebefore]

Hi ladies

White Rose- thank you so much for your supportive words and empathy. You are right when you say ‘you are ok. And you’ll continue to be ok’. I know that I will as long as I am not in that terrible relationship but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else too. Your message really struck a chord and helped me remember that, thank you. Also, thank you for saying I was strong. No one has ever described me as strong before but I sit on this forum and think how strong everyone on here is to not only put up with what they have, but also then for many too, have courage and bravery to leave and continue every day to function/ be great women etc. Thank you White Rose. x x

SunshineRainFlower- Thank you for the advice. It really helps me to give abusers tactics a label (such as Triangulation) which is one I had never heard of before but it makes sense. These phrases often make me feel like it is more scientific (if you get what I mean) and not me just going loopy! Well done for overcoming your delayed onset jealousy- I hear that one! That has been very hard for me, working with him as when he is in one of his ‘charming’ moods I often cant focus on work for the rest of the day as my thoughts are scrambled and distorted. Sounds like you are getting there, keep going 🙂 I have also never heard of the gray rock method and have now done some research on it and it sounds like just what I need to keep me going until I can change jobs so thank you also for that. xx

Thank you again and hope you ladies have a good week x x

[Beenherebefore]

One more thing -the baby crying thing – this is something my ex used to say to me all the time! He would tell me that I wasn’t a ‘real woman’ yet and I was ‘still a child’ because I cried so much when we had an episode. At the time I believed him, now I’ve had counselling, it seems perfectly reasonable that I was crying when the man I loved was telling me I was ‘worthless’ and ‘promiscuous’ and a ‘terrible woman’ and ‘bad at my job’ and ‘couldn’t please him’ and was always ‘letting him down’! You have been worn down by him and crying is one of the ways you deal with it and you are not wrong for that, don’t listen to him. This is another manipulation tactic Rainbow x x

[Beenherebefore]

Hi Rainbow Cloud

Firstly, as Sunshine Rain said, you are certainly not worthless. You are a wonderful, strong and brave woman and you are making those first few steps to getting yourself a happier life. You are not ‘moaning’, this forum is for your support and emotional abuse can be just as damaging (for me the emotional abuse was even worse than the physical) and both are completely unacceptable.

I could have been reading about my ex partner with so many things you said and I know that you love him. That is what makes it so hard but you deserve to be treated so much better and you deserve to feel safe and valued. He is an abusive man who unfortunately knows how to manipulate you into staying with him but also feeling it is your fault. What he is doing is not right and I am sad to say that he will not change. Your posts give a real indication that he has no intention of even trying to change and you are worth so much more than that, regardless of what he has led you to believe.
Please keep posting and reaching out for help. Womens Aid helpline is a good place to start. They wont tell you to leave him but they offer a supportive ear from people who understand domestic abuse. I found it such a support to have them there when I was feeling similar to how you are now.
Inside you there is the happy, strong person that you were before this, look after her and take it a day at a time. You have support here x

[Beenherebefore]

Lovely to hear this icandothis 😊 Freedom is something I will now never take for granted!!
I watched Beauty and the Beast at the cinema recently and at one point Belle says to the Beast…’Can we ever be truly happy if we are not free?’ 😊 no Belle, no we can’t. I cried with tears of joy there and then. Freedom and happiness go hand in hand, and we have the right to it. your country walk sounds lovely xxxx

[Beenherebefore]

P.s. Alicenotinchains as I move forward I question myself too if it was that bad as sometimes I can ‘forget’ things or the bad things become blurry. In this instance I ask my counsellor / friend to remind me of the things I told them when I first left. Hearing them list these things brings them back to the forefront of my mind and is really sobering xxx

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