Copperflame

[Copperflame]

After that, anyone needing to access your document will need to enter the password, including you. It might be possible to screenshot any further abusive texts or photos of any injuries and copy and paste them into the word document, so that you have a record which is password protected.

[Copperflame]

Oh no, sorry about the previous post – I copied and pasted some information and it has put it all into code. Lisa, Is it possible to delete my previous post please?

Oh no what an awful thing to do! Sad and alone has given you some excellent advice and there’s not much I can add to that, but just wanted to let you know that I understand how upset you feel. Keeping a written journal to record your thoughts and feelings is a good idea as long as he can’t get hold of it. If you would prefer to type things in a word document, it is possible to protect it with a password

This time I will type it out.

Go to file ; info ;protect document ; protect with password

Type a password, press OK, type it again and press OK to confirm it. Save the file to make sure the password takens effect.

Hope this helps, Love Copperflame.

[Copperflame]

Well I phoned the organisation yesterday and asked for a new therapist. This was a big step for me, but because of my history of abuse, I tend to put up with a lot in the hope that things will improve. I actually felt guilty about complaining and asking for someone else.

The therapist I was seeing was dismissive of my feelings, and this left me feeling unheard and invalidated. Not only that, but she was making excuses for my ex’s behaviour and seemed to be taking his side. I felt resentful that she didn’t believe I had suffered DA or trauma bonding and was very sceptical of things I told her about my health issues and how they affect me.  Her attitude towards me was very abrupt and antagonistic, which to be honest, put me on the defensive.

There was an incident when I challenged my ex about something, and he became verbally abusive and I started crying. She told me he was entitled to express his own views and opinions, to which I replied that I was entitled to question them or challenge them, and there was no need for him to be verbally abusive as we could have discussed them in a healthier, more respectful way.

My ex used to gaslight me by hiding my things, or moving them around without telling me so that I couldn’t find them in their usual places. He once hid medical equipment that I need to manage my health condition. She told me it was his house too, and he didn’t have to tell me that he was rearranging things. I told her that if they were my possessions I had a right to know what he was doing with them, especially important medical equipment. Yet if I was spring cleaning and decided to reorganise things I would always tell him out of consideration. I felt as if somehow I wasn’t getting through to her because she just wasn’t ‘hearing me’ and I didn’t like the way she kept making excuses for his behaviour and suggesting that I was overreacting.

Anyway I’m glad I plucked up the courage to ask for someone else. They were very understanding and I’m now waiting for an appointment with a new therapist.

Thanks for listening.

[Copperflame]

My counsellor also challenges everything I say as if I am getting it all wrong, but she isn’t interested in how I am feeling. 

She doesn’t seem to understand what it feels like to feel controlled, even when your abuser isn’t around. She doesn’t seem to understand what it feels like when your abuser’s voice is still in your head, even when he is long gone. She doesn’t understand what it is like to feel triggered by seemingly minor things, even when you are out of the relationship.

[Copperflame]

Thank you ladies. Well I rumbled him and he’s blocked me!!!

I messaged him to explain that domestic abuse it isn’t just physical abuse, but psychological abuse as well; the yelling, the rages, the threats, the intimidation, the assaults on self-esteem, the breaking things, the smashing things, the name calling, the mind games, the messing with your head, the manipulation and the gaslighting etc, etc. This was what caused deep and lasting emotional wounds.

I reminded him about his GBH conviction, pointing out that violence is a choice and there is no excuse for committing an offence no matter how angry you are.

His response was to block me, so that says it all doesn’t it!!

I feel so empowered! It’s thanks to all the support from WA, all you lovely ladies on here and all the other organisations I’ve had support from, that I’ve been able to recognise the red flags and early warning signs, as well as the hidden meaning behind what the abusers says.

Love and light to you all 🙂 xxx

[Copperflame]

Hi KIP and thanks for replying.

I agree entirely about the GBH. To be charged with GBH he must have inflicted a pretty serious injury. The CPS would not have made that charge unless there was solid evidence and a realistic change of getting a conviction. Yet he tells me he’s not violent?

I had a message from him saying he’d had depression in the past, but he read a book and fought his way out of it. As if depression was something so trivial that it could be cured by reading a book. Really??

I don’t like that he was annoyed with me for not telling him sooner. Surely that’s up to me to decide? There certainly wasn’t any attempt on his part to understand and sympathise with my experience.

I haven’t dated in a while, so at the moment dating to me feels like standing on the water’s edge and tentatively dipping your toe in. Then becoming accustomed to the feel of the water before venturing in further. Yet he’s saying we’re soulmates and he wants a long term relationship with me without even having met me!! I’m afraid a long term relationship is like swimming the deep end, and I’m not even ready to swim yet (metaphorically, I can swim really!).

Oh and he also said that he’s a strong man and that I need a tough man to see me through thick and thin, as if I was a weak and feeble woman – haha. I found myself chuckling at that 🙂

He does know what town I live in but no more than that. I think I will let him down gently. I haven’t replied to his last message yet. Thanks again.

[Copperflame]

Oh and he tells me he’s not violent but a cuddly softy, but it’s not only the physical violence is it? It’s all the psychological, emotional, verbal, sexual and financial stuff as well.

Do I just block him?

[Copperflame]

Thanks Ladies,

Having thought about it some more, I’ve decided not to contact her because I don’t want to risk my safety knowing what these men are capable of.

A while ago I helped a friend, who was desperate and in dire need, to get to a place of safety. She wasn’t aware her perp had put a tracker on her phone, but then my car was damaged and I had to spend money I could ill afford to put it right. I couldn’t prove it was him, but what happened has made me very wary.

I’m even toying with the possibility of moving even though I like where I live, because I don’t feel safe any more and worry that her perp could target me again.

I’m going to put this incident behind me. What it has taught me is I need to tighten up my boundaries when it comes to men. xx

[Copperflame]

Hi Colouringinfairy,

What a relief for you that he has been charged! Hopefully he’ll plead guilty to spare you the trauma of going to court.

This is probably quite a difficult and traumatic time for you and no doubt your emotions are all over the place, but it’s good that the justice system has acted properly and I hope you are now safe.

Love and light, Copperflame xx

[Copperflame]

Well I’ve been unfortunate enough to have been involved with two abusers and I gave them both numerous chances. The sad thing is we have been conditioned to put their needs first and often don’t even recognise that we have needs as well. Or that our needs and feelings are just as important as theirs.

I think it’s important to prioritise your own feelings. Abuse can make you feel unhappy, depressed, fearful, worthless, frustrated, full of self-doubt, mistrustful and lonely. I’ve never yet met a woman who was happy in an abusive relationship because there’s always a sense that something is not right, even if you don’t realise that what’s happening is abuse.

I stayed with my first abuser for much longer than he deserved. I think this was because it had been drummed into me from an early age that you don’t walk out on a marriage but you try to make it work. So I felt that being unhappy wasn’t a good enough reason to end a marriage. It was only when he had an affair that I felt I had good reason to end it. Similarly I stayed with my second abuser for way too long and put up with repeated betrayals before my mental health became so bad that I knew I had to leave to save my sanity.

What I can say is that I have never regretted leaving either relationship. It has not always been easy and sometimes I’ve felt lonely, but at least I’m free to live as I want, eat what I want, spend what I want, invite who I want and be my own person.

As for unhappiness, we only have one life and I’m sure that the older you get the faster time flies. Life’s too short to spend it with someone who mistreats you.
xx

[Copperflame]

I’ve been wondering about my safety if I were to tell her, and I don’t know if I could do so anonymously.

A friend fled a violent relationship and I helped her get to a place of safety. What neither of us realised was that her perp had put a tracker on her phone, and the night after I took her to the safe place, I woke up next morning to find my car had been damaged. I did report it but there was no evidence it was him. However I’ve been paranoid about my car since then. Unfortunately this guy saw my car and has a rough idea where I live, so on reflection I’m not going to take the risk. I will inform the site though. Thanks KIP.

[Copperflame]

Hi Wildcard,

The way he is treating you is definitely emotionally abusive and I’m glad you’ve found this forum for support. KIP has given you some very wise advice and contacting WA is a very good start to getting some support. I would recommend you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, which gives an excellent account of the myriad of controlling, coercive and abusive tactics that abusers use. Also Google domestic abuse/emotional abuse/controlling behaviour, as there are lots of websites out there which describe abuse.

Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse can be hard to recognise, because sometimes it can be quite subtle and all you know is that something is not right. Abuse affects the way you feel and a classic symptom that you describe is that you feel you are “walking on eggshells”, because you are worried about his reaction. Another symptom is you often feel guilty, even when you’re doing something perfectly legitimate. Feeling confused is another symptom, because the abuser plays mind games and messes with your head (a tactic known as Gaslighting) As KIP says, depression is very common in women who are experiencing abuse too. Feeling alone in the relationship is another common symptom, because the abuser expects you to meet all his needs while discounting your needs. Abusers are very self-centred and feel entitled to your undivided attention, hence while he’s happy to talk about himself all the time, he isn’t interested in what you have to say, thus making you feel your opinion is worthless.

Accusing their partner of cheating is something many abusers do, but abusers who make these accusations do so because they are usually cheating themselves and assume you’re doing the same!

Both of my exes were emotionally abusive, but with ex No. 1, it took a while for it to sink in that the way he was treating me was abuse. Ex No. 2 used slightly different tactics and was very manipulative, so it took me a while to recognise that he was abusive too.

Take care and keep posting.
Copperflame xx

[Copperflame]

From what I understand, some abusers can have ‘feelings’ for their partners, but it’s not love as we see love, but is a very twisted view. For a start, abusers don’t like women and harbour a deep disrespect for them – and how can you love someone whom you disrespect, view as inferior and regard with hostility and contempt?

An abuser’s idea of a relationship is very, very different from ours. For a start, they are very self-centred and feel entitled to have everything their own way, so there’s no give and take as there would be in a healthy relationship. This may sound brutal, but the abuser’s aim when he meets a women he’s attracted to, is to ‘train’ her to become his devoted servant, who will take care of all his needs and not have any of her own. He feels entitled to use and exploit all her good qualities and all of her resources – financial and emotional. To ensure that she will not leave him, he gains access to her inner world to get inside her head, to gain control of her mind and manipulate her emotions. He deliberately and intentionally works to destroy her self-esteem, self-confidence and he self-worth, to ensure she is too weak to ever leave him. He works to isolate her from her family and friends to deprive her of outside support and from people’s opinions who differ from his, and who may threaten his control. Sometimes, he will act kindly and lovingly towards you because if he was horrible all the time, you would not stay. Sadly, the love and kindness is not genuine, but a manipulative tactic to keep you hooked into the relationship. He enjoys the power he gets from this. He loves causing you distress because it makes him feel powerful. If he can get you to doubt yourself, he feels great. He cares nothing about the hurt and distress he causes you, because in his mind, only his feelings matter.

Healthy people don’t try to destroy the ones they love; they uplift and support them. In contrast, the abuser’s view of love is about power, control and exploitation -it’s certainly not love as we see it.

I’m glad you’ve found the support of this forum as it’s the first step towards gaining your freedom. Leaving an abusive relationship is very hard and you may have several false starts, but every step you take – however small – is in the direction towards freedom.

Lots of love, Copperflame xx

[Copperflame]

To be honest I’m quite happy being single. I have plenty of interests and I don’t feel lonely – in fact, I like living on my own because it means I can do what I like in my own space.

Tiffany, these men don’t think as we do. They’re entitled and have a completely different perspective about what a relationship means. From now on it’s zero tolerance and absolutely no benefit of the doubt. As you’ve mentioned, you can normally pick up red flags in their messages, but this one was clever and flew under my radar. I’m still annoyed at the fake profile picture and next time I’m going to ask for more pics and ask more questions. Hopefully the next one will be nicer xx

[Copperflame]

When I first met my ex, he came across as self-centred and I detected a slightly superior attitude, but I liked him so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Since then I’ve learned to my cost that self-centredness and a superior attitude towards women are characteristics of abusers.

In the beginning he love-bombed me, but he also made the occasional disparaging comment which I dismissed at the time because everything else was so positive.

From now on my mantra is never to give the benefit of the doubt!

[Copperflame]

(detail removed by moderator) is breaking the law and in the context of an abusive relationship, should be taken extremely seriously as leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. Also his behaviour is very coercive and controlling which is also breaking the law.

The police have a duty to protect both you and your children and to keep you all safe, especially the children. As the others have advised, please tell the police everything. The abuse is not your fault, but is entirely the responsibility of the abuser. You don’t deserve to be treated like this or to have him make you sick with anxiety.

If you want to leave, a refuge could be the answer for you and your children. You’ll get support and they’ll help to rehouse you. I left my ex to come to a refuge many miles away, and it was the very best thing I ever did.

Lots of love, Copperflame xx

[Copperflame]

Hi Upsidedowninsideout,

I agree entirely with Lisa and Iwantmeback that your partner sounds very abusive and you are not the abusive one in this relationship. In all abusive relationships there is a power differential where the abuser holds all the power and disempowers you by using an arsenal of controlling tactics to keep you in the one-down position. Sometimes when feeling frustrated by the abuser’s behaviour or during arguments, the abused partner can react and behave in ways that they wouldn’t normally do. However this is a very understandable reaction to the abuse and doesn’t make you an abuser.

The way your partner has been treating your daughter is, as Lisa says, completely unacceptable and amounts to physical and emotional abuse, which is very distressing for your child. You’ve mentioned that your partner seems really hurt, but think about all the hurt and emotional pain she has inflicted on you and your daughter. Abusers are by nature very manipulative, and I doubt she’s feeling as hurt as she makes out. Rather, I suspect she’s manipulating you by causing you to feel guilty. I very much doubt that she feels any guilt or remorse about the way she has treated you, because abusers are not only very self-centred, but also lack empathy. It’s all about them and their feelings, never yours.

Leaving an abusive relationship is really hard and you’ve done very well to set that boundary because you need to protect your daughter. You neither need nor deserve all this pain in your life.

Love and light, Copperflame.

[Copperflame]

He’s still trying to control you using the children and his contact with them. He’s messing all of you around and playing mind games to exert his power. You don’t mention if there is a Child Arrangements Order made in the Family Court, but if there isn’t an order and he doesn’t seem to want to bother with them, then I would be inclined to leave things be until he shows more interest. Any father who abuses his children’s mother is not a good father, even if he has his good points. I know this can be difficult because the children probably love their father and want to spend time with him, but the downside is that he can try to turn them against you, which is actually a form of emotional abuse and is harmful to them.

Obviously if there is a court order, your situation is slightly different, but if he isn’t sticking to the contact arrangements, you are well within your rights to bring the case back to court and ask to have the current order varied to make reflect your current situation.

Sadly abusive men enjoy causing distress to their partners and ex partners because they enjoy the feeling of power it gives them. They’re very conscious of the ‘nice-guy’ image they present and part of building up that image is to imply to others that you’re a bad mother and he’s a great guy. if he can get you to doubt yourself then all the better in his mind. Abusers love drama and they love to inject intensity into their interactions with you. If you can try not to let yourself become pulled into all his drama and intensity and stick to the point. Also try not to engage in any kind of discussions with him because it only feeds his behaviour. He won’t give your point of view any credence however sensible, it is because in his mind you are still an inferior woman whose views don’t matter.

Yes the late night messages are being deliberately sent to stress you out and interfere with your sleep. Abusers love to stress you out and know that they’re in your head. You might want to think about putting your phone on silent at night time, or switching it off so that his incoming messages don’t disturb you.

Have you thought of getting another number for general use and keeping a number just for him to arrange child contact? xxx

[Copperflame]

I’m feeling very angry at the moment; with him for being arrogant, entitled and devious, and with myself for being duped. As it was my first date in a very long time I was quite excited and looking forward to it and I think I let my guard down a bit – lesson learned!

On the other hand, I wasn’t to know his profile picture was fake (it never occurred to me that someone would use a fake pic), nor could I have known he was married. I suspect his discomfort in the pub could have been a control tactic to get me to do what he wanted, which was to go to the beauty spot. As we’ve probably all experienced, abusers are experts at creating an uncomfortable atmosphere when they don’t want to do something.

I was very taken aback when we met because I was expecting to meet someone who looked like his photo. Tbh he looked very slobbish and I felt put off. I still feel very violated because he grabbed me without warning and started kissing me, then tried to go further before I pushed him away – the arrogance of the man thinking he could do that to a woman he barely knew when he was such a slob!

Tiffany, what a s**mbag asking you out and then spending time playing with slot machines. That shows a very arrogant, entitled and disrespectful attitude. I believe you can have your ears pinned back on the NHS if it’s causing you distress. I hate that these men are so predatory and think they are God’s gift to women, as well as having unbelievable cheek. I’m glad that you’ve since met someone decent with whom you feel safe and comfortable.

Lavenderrose, it’s interesting how we don’t always listen to our gut instinct or we somehow try to rationalise their behaviour even when we sense that something is “off”. My ex came across as very self-centred right from the start, but he seemed nice otherwise so I gave him the benefit of the doubt – big mistake as it turned out. He was also very secretive and I later found out that he’d lied about a lot of things. Yet when you’re the kind of person who wants to see the good in people – as most of us are – it’s hard to believe that there are people out there who are callous, devious, dishonest, selfish, arrogant, entitled and exploitive. It’s just a shame that there are so many of these predators around.

I’ve realised that I need to tighten up my boundaries and even become quite ruthless when talking to men online from now on.

[Copperflame]

Thank you ladies for replying.

To be honest I feel quite low this morning. I didn’t spot any red flags when we were messaging because he came across as polite and respectful and didn’t put me under any pressure.

However, when we met I didn’t fancy him, but that in and of itself is ok, because you might not fancy someone when you first meet them in person. However it was a red flag that he wasn’t who he looked like in his profile picture and I felt that was devious.

I must admit I was a bit doubtful about going to the beauty spot because we could have tried to find a pub that was less crowded (we were in an area with plenty of pubs). I only agreed because it was early evening, pleasant weather and there were lot of people about. However it soo became clear that he had another agenda, which was to coerce me into having sex and had no interest in getting to know me as a person. I may be old fashioned, but I don’t want to kiss someone on a first date, even if I feel attracted to them. Maybe a peck on the cheek if the evening has gone well and we want to see each other again, but not a full-blown “snog” – and more – which was what he wanted. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with this, but he tried to snog me again which is unacceptable.

When we were chatting online he told me he was single, but then admitted he was married but his marriage had broken down. He could have up front about this when we were chatting and not hidden it, which is devious. I am very wary when men say they are victims of drunken female violence. I know that some men are abused by women, but a lot of abusers claim to be victims of ‘drunken’ and violent women when in fact they are the perpetrators.

I’m so glad I cut the date short and this morning I messaged him to say I didn’t want to see him again and immediately blocked him. Thank you Tiffany for your suggestions. Unfortunately I did tell him what car I was driving but I won’t repeat that mistake in future. I’ve learned my lesson.

[Copperflame]

Funnily enough, I watched that particular soap episode having not watched it for ages and I’m so sorry you found it triggering. I agree, if this was a documentary about domestic abuse there would be a warning that there might be some scenes that viewers could find distressing, and I think this should also apply to soaps and other dramas. I hope you’re feeling a bit better now. Are you having any counselling or support at all?

Otherwise I think it’s great that popular soaps are raising awareness of DV and coercive control. I felt the acting was very powerful and really captured the essence of coercive control – behaviours which so many of us struggle to find the words to describe.

It was interesting that the perpetrator kept saying “She’s my wife”, as if she was his property to do with as he wanted. When challenged about his behaviour, he spoke in what I would describe as “word salad” – basically controlling the situation by rationalising and throwing up smokescreens to divert the conversation from his behaviour. All the while I was watching it, I kept thinking: Omg this is sooo what these abusers do – the mind games, the gaslighting and manipulating the situation. During the episode the abused wife’s friends called the police to stop him harassing her, but although the police gave him a warning, the wife was nevertheless unhappy with her friends for involving the police. Isn’t that so familiar as well? So often we don’t want to go that far because we love our partners and hope they can change. A very powerful and thought provoking episode.

[Copperflame]

Yes I’ve suffered bullying at work and on more than one occasion as well, sadly:( I’m sorry to hear that work is not being supportive.

Did this person assault you in the workplace? If so it is gross misconduct and a sackable offence – and even if it was outside work she was still committing a crime and you are well within your rights to report it.

There are a few things you can do:- Firstly, if you are in a union speak to them and ask for support. Another organisation you can ring is ACAS, which is very helpful. Thirdly, as lot of larger employers have a 24 hour helpline you can ring about any kind of issue that is bothering you, so if your employer does have one of these you can ring them. Another organisation you can speak to is the Samaritans – you can speak to them about anything, it’s not just for people who are suicidal. Websites like Bullyonline can also be helpful.

As the other ladies have said, keep a journal of everything that happens, however minor, including any rumours about you that reach your ears. Passive aggressive or covert bullying can be very subtle, and it can be often be hard to find the right words to describe it. It can be things like a strange atmosphere, people behaving towards you in an odd way, being sent to Coventry for no particular reason, being excluded from meetings or social activities, things going missing and then turning up again (which is a form of gaslighting that happened to me with a workplace bully) and offhand body language. In these cases, you can write about how this behaviour made you feel. If she steals money from you again, report it immediately and if the response isn’t satisfactory, speak to the police.

Workplace bullies have the same distorted mindset and sense of entitlement as perpetrators of DV – it’s all about power and control and their behaviour is never acceptable. Sadly DV can leave you feeling very vulnerable and until you have a chance to rebuild and strengthen your boundaries, other predators can spot that vulnerability. Just remember that abuse and bullying is never the target’s fault but is a choice made by the perpetrator, who feels entitled to abuse and bully. xx

[Copperflame]

Thanks Kip and Fizzylem,

The officer was nice when I reported the complaint but after the person made accusations against me, her attitude changed completely. She even said my own behaviour could be construed as harassment! I can’t give any detail because it could be identifying, but as you say KIP, if she was so aggrieved why wait for me to make a complaint first? And as you say Fizzylem, isn’t it just what they do, kick off and blame everyone else, make counter allegations and also tell LIES! This sort of accusatory attitude from police officers can deter women in danger from seeking police help and is unacceptable.

Something I’ve learned from this is that I definitely need to tighten my boundaries with people who show signs of abusive behaviour instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt. Yet I struggle so much with self-doubt and keep wondering if I’m overreacting or whether I’ve got it wrong. After a particularly bullying and upsetting phone call from this person some weeks ago, my therapist couldn’t understand why I didn’t block her immediately instead of giving her another chance. I know now I should have taken my therapist’s advice because the behaviour then escalated. Oh well I guess you live and learn 🙁

[Copperflame]

Wow well done for getting out and going for a run Fizzylem. I admire you, it must feel so empowering.

I was very depressed last year and put on a lot of weight. I’m feeling better now thanks to therapy, DV support group and a mindfulness course, but OMG I am soooo unfit. I’m now back at work and trying to eat more healthily, but have yet to summon up the energy to start exercising.

So a huge well done to you!

Love Copperflame xx

[Copperflame]

Thanks Ladies,

A quick update. A police officer got in contact with me and consequently, a letter was sent warning this person about her behaviour. Unfortunately, when she received it she kicked off and made a load of allegations about me, which were absolutely not true. Unfortunately, the officer concerned believed this person and not me, and I ended up feeling like the criminal – not to mention feeling full of self-doubt wondering if the problem was me after all.

Thankfully Victim Support rang me the same afternoon and the woman I spoke to said it sounded as if this person was very controlling, and also that the officer’s behaviour towards me wasn’t appropriate. I told her that it hadn’t occurred tp me to ring the police until I spoke to a DV helpline who emphatically advised me to report it, which I then did. I felt better knowing that Victim Support believed me and was supportive.

Consequently I’ve filed a complaint about the officer concerned because of the way she made me feel.

[Copperflame]

For me I think it was a series of events. He would be really horrible and I kept forgiving him – goodness knows why! I found his profile on some kinky sex websites and discovered he was secretly messaging and skyping other women. Then I found out he was running me down and criticising me to one of his exes. Although I didn’t leave immediately that was a turning point for me. In the months that followed, the continual emotional abuse and silent treatment just wore me down. I made secret plans and finally went to a refuge.

Love Copperflame x

[Copperflame]

I was just going to suggest in Sheep’s Clothing but noticed that Fizzylem has already recommended it. It’s an excellent book that names and describes all the covert manipulation tactics that you couldn’t give a name to. Along with Lundy it’s one of my favourite books. There is also another book by the same author called Character Disturbance which follows on from in Sheep’s Clothing and which is also worth reading.

Love Copperflame x

[Copperflame]

Well done Mimosa 🙂 and good for you. Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly hard and is a major hurdle to overcome, but you’ve done it.

As the other ladies have said, life after leaving an abusive relationship can be a bit of a rollercoaster and there may be times when you want him back, but no matter what, you will never regret getting out.

I know it’s early days yet, but I would like to issue one word of warning based on my own experience. After leaving an abuser, you are far, far more vulnerable than you realise, and this can make you a target for other abusive men who have very sharply tuned radar for detecting vulnerability. These days, DV professionals advise waiting at least a year and preferably two years before becoming involved in another relationship to allow yourself time to heal and become emotionally stronger. Apart from that, I think it’s good to have some time to adjust to being single, to enjoy your freedom, make new friends and develop some new interests.

Onwards and upwards 🙂

Lots of love, Copperflame xx

[Copperflame]

Hi Benson,
Hi Benson,

Sorry to hear he is still making a nuisance of himself. The shame you feel is his shame, not yours. Abuse is never the survivor’s fault, but is a choice made by the perpetrator. You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.

Domestic abuse is sadly very common and there is no shame in telling anyone what you have been through. It’s tempting to think there must be something wrong with you for getting involved with an abuser, but abusers can be very charming at the beginning of the relationship so unless you are fully aware of the red flags to look for, there is no way you could have known your ex would end up abusing you. There is nothing wrong with you; he is the one with the problem, not you.

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If you have a restraining order in force, he should not be contacting you directly – and if he does, you should contact the police and also the court which issued the restraining order. If the court has agreed to him having indirect contact with your child, there should be specific arrangements in place whereby photos, cards, gifts, etc., are only allowed to be sent at certain times of the year and to a third party such as a family member.

Take care, Copperflame xx

[Copperflame]

Hi Hereforhelp and thanks for your reply.

The counsellor isn’t experienced in DA, I was referred by my GP for depression and anxiety, but it would be nice to be shown a bit of empathy and understanding even if she isn’t a DV/DA specialist.

I’ve had psychotherapy in the past to explore my childhood and upbringing as well as numerous other issues, but even though my therapist wasn’t a DV specialist, she nevertheless understood about abuse and how it affects a person. When I was seeing her, she did show empathy and understanding and most importantly, she believed me.

What I am struggling with is that my therapy sessions seem to be a battle of wills, with her challenging everything I say and not being interested in how I feel, or how the abuse has affected me. I also have some quite serious health issues, but she isn’t interested how these are contributing to my depression either.

I agree with you that the attitude I’ve received from this counsellor is very poor – no one should be telling you to let go of the past, because ruminating on the past is usually due to unresolved issues which need exploring. In fact, she reminds me of my abusers, when after an abusive episode, they would tell me to “forget about it and move on”.

I think I will stop seeing her.

thanks for listening

 

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