Faraway

[Faraway]

Hi Iss, I still feel this when I wake up but I can tell you the intensity of it lessens with time. The first few months are the hardest. It feels like somebody has died and the feelings of greif are so intense. It’s almost like you want to vomit with greif pain as soon as you wake up. I remember how intense it was and I wish I could take the pain away for you as I know how incredibly painful that weight felt. It will lessen with time but a trip to your doctor won’t hurt xxxx

[Faraway]

Thanks Kip, your right he is making himself the victim and will never apologise because he sees no wrong in his actions. I’m going to put my oldest into counselling so he can understand that this isn’t his fault and to talk about things if he is feeling conflicted. Xx

[Faraway]

You could go and just put it on the table that you only want friendship. Yes you are vunerable right now. That is why you would put the boundary in place. But if you are not ready then you are not ready. It will be so hard to trust again understandably. It might be nice to just go out and feel human again. If he is not an abuser and a normal person he will totally understand your feelings. Let’s us know how you go and what you decide! XX maybe you could take a rain check if you are not up to it. Xx

[Faraway]

Thanks for replying Kip! My oldest is just generally exhausted after the calls. No he has never apologised to me or the kids because he is maintaining that I’m making it all up. I have written some notes and will continue to have the calls on speaker. When he says to them that they are so brave and strong just makes me feel like I have done this and he is the victim. He will never admit it but my oldest remembers. It just made my blood boil tonight when he did this. I just tell the kids they don’t have to be brave and strong because our house no fighting anymore, no more name calling, no more drinking. I tell them our house is safe and happy now. I don’t speak ill of the dad I want them to have s positive relationship but it makes me worry that if he is doing this now, they will be emotionally manipulated in the future and they don’t deserve that.

[Faraway]

Hi I’msosad, I too suffer from intense anxiety and it’s debilitating. Can you go to your doctor and ask for some medication? Are you sleeping ok at the moment? I understand how it feels to feel like you are screaming inside but no-one can hear you. It’s excruciating. You are not alone, we understand. It’s early days yet for you (and me) and I know it seems impossible that things can feel better but it will in time, maybe just little bits at a time. I really hope you can go to your doctor to get some support xxxxx

[Faraway]

Hi I’msosad. This is a normal part of the process. I joined this forum about 8 weeks ago after I had hit rock bottom. I took 7 weeks off work and the grief I felt was so intense I was sure I was destined to feel like this forever. I remember just wanting to hit the fast forward button so I wouldn’t have to feel this intense pain like a knife had been permanently lodged in my heart. I too wondered if I was having a heart attack. 8 weeks later I caught myself smiling and my heart felt a little less hurtful. I’ve been through all the stages of grief and I’m sure I will still continue to feel them from time to time but today I felt a little bit lighter and my chest didn’t hurt so much. I just kept thinking wow, I’m still alive. What helped me was a medication change as I was only being treated for anxiety. I go to my psychologist and read this forum for support. You will feel better too, not sure when that will be but one day you will wake up and feel a tiny bit better. I told myself today that a tiny bit better is better than nothing. Sending big hugs your way. I know the hole you are in all too well but you will get out even if you can’t imagine it right now xxxx

[Faraway]

Hi DM, don’t beat yourself up about the bald patch comment as you did not do it out of malice. It’s just a sensitive issue for him but you at least now know not to bring it up unless he wants to talk about. I can relate to what you are saying about being vunerabke. I always hide my emotions to the opposite sex which makes everyone think I’m so strong. But on the inside I feel not good enough , like if I had a cry or didn’t cope with anything it makes me think the guy would think I’m crazy or run for the hills. I think this will take me a while to overcome too! You are good enough, we all are! But that dreadful feeling of feeling insecure I know all Too well. If I had a partner who looked at every attractive girl walk by it would make me feel uneasy too. Maybe you could talk to your psychologist about how the best way to bring up this subject with him? I guess it’s a balance too! Does he make you feel loved and safe? Hoping you can work through this xx

[Faraway]

I’m so sorry PTH! He was the one who abused you and now he gets to reject you. It’s a double whammy and he has done this to make you think that YOU are the one who is in the wrong. It’s another tactic to bring you down and question everything that has happened. Don’t be fooled by this. He is the abusive one. You can and will get through this. The pain must be astronomical but it doesn’t mean what he did to you was not real. Every time you want to contact him post here instead. Hopefully you can get some sleep. When we don’t get rest our emotions are all over the place. Can you go to your doctor or book in with a psychologist? You have to get through this moment by moment. You are grieving a crappy person but it doesn’t mean the greif is not real. Sending lots of love xx

[Faraway]

Push those doubts aside Licorice! It will be hard but you will be safe! A new home is a new place where you can start positive memories. I used to just sit on the couch just frozen when he was here and then I waited for him to go to bed just so I could get up and walk around my house freely. Now he is gone and I’m still in the same house I do experience bad memories because this house reminds me of him. A new house is s fresh start! You can do this xxx

[Faraway]

Hi I’msosad, keep posting on here whenever you can! It really helps to know you are not alone. I read posts everyday and it helps me because I don’t feel so alone! I’ve got the kids and he has yet to see him. I’m so alone too. I have friends who always check in but I just want to be better so my friends get the real me!! I have diazepam too and take it sparingly. I understand that heavy feeling in the chest, sometimes I think I’m going to end up having a heart attack! Do you feel worse in the morning and then ok at night? I find peace once the kids have gone to bed and I can just chill and relax and watch tv! My psychiatrist says it’s depression with melancholy which means it’s horrific in the morning but lifts a little at night. Can you book in with a psychologist? Maybe go back to the doctor to try for some different sleeping pills? It’s hard when everything hits us, it’s just feels like more than our bodies can take! It’s greif, loss and so many other emotions so it becomes confusing. Please don’t doubt yourself! You mentioned in another post about lies and cheating! You will never be able to trust this man again and more importantly you will never feel safe with him. We all have doubts and guilt! It’s because we care too much! Try to read up as much as you can to soothe yourself! It confirms that it was abuse and you deserve better, you truely do!!! Let’s us know how you are going soon xxx

[Faraway]

Hi HH, I’ve suffered anxiety for a long time now and before he left it was completely under control. But now he is gone my levels are through the roof. I see a doctor and a psychologist but sometimes I feel like I can’t function. Kip often writes about ptsd and trauma and triggers and I’m sure I’ve got ptsd but I have so much anxiety about my psychologist even diagnosing me with this. I’ve been out since (detail removed by moderator) was doing fine until 8 weeks ago it all hit and I couldn’t function. This forum and the ladies help me so much. You are not in this alone xxx

 

[Faraway]

I meant even when he live here

[Faraway]

Thanks everyone, I guess that it is normal considering what we have been through. I just want to be the happy girl I was. Even when he was it bad but I still felt relatively happy because I didn’t pay attention to him. I hope I can get through this as the court process is traumatising me. Thanks everyone, yesterday was a bad day and then I think – things could be worse because all my children are alive and healthy. Then I beat myself up for letting myself feel this way because life is cruel and there are more worse things in the world than this. Xxxx

[Faraway]

I feel guilt too! I feel sorry for him even though I know I don’t love him. I think my guilt stems from the fact that my family is split and now the kids miss him. My oldest knows about the bad stuff and likes that he is subjected to that anymore but he loves his dad because that’s his dad and there were times when he was a normal person and my child misses that. I’m a really big empathetic person so that does not help and it tears me up inside that I now have an enemy in life. Xxx

[Faraway]

Hi Yellowflower, you are not alone in this. I have very vivid nightmares too! I dreamt his dad and him broke into my house and pushed me up against the kitchen cupboards and every room I went into they suddenly appeared and there was no escape. I find the next day particulay hard because they feel so real it leaves me very shaken up and my anxiety is at an all time high. I see a psychologist so I’m hoping me just talking about them will help them lessen for me. I also have sleeping pills but I still dream on them but I know my brain needs rest or I will have a breakdown so I take them. Hope they lessen for you soon xx

[Faraway]

You are definitely grieving WW! It sux I know. The range of emotions we go through with grief makes us feel so unstable. Today is just a sad day for you. I’m no expert but I’m told to let the emotions come and then go because if we block it out it delays the grieving process. You won’t feel like this every day. We swing between anger, sadness, hurt, numbness, moments of happiness. We all can’t wait to get off this roller coaster can we! Hope you have a better day tomorrow xx

[Faraway]

Hi Fizzylem, I’m glad you got to make things right with your friend. I think until you are in the situation of caring for kids all on your own nobody gets it. It’s scary feeling so much responsibility and so alone. I keep thinking if I fail at something then I’m letting my kids down. People who have a good partner has someone on their team so they get to feel safe. The insensitive comment made by your friend was made because she does not walk through life like we do, carrying the heavy burden. It’s exhausting and yes it angers us because our abusers lives are probably very carefree! We feel anger at the injustice. Last night my kids had a phone call with him and I got to hear about the amazing meal that he had had while me and the kids were stuck with toast again because there is very little money for food. It made my blood boil. Petiole don’t get it and they won’t but some of us do especially here. I think just accepting we will be angry from time to time helps and accepting it’s a normal part of the process. Xxx

[Faraway]

Hi landgirl, I know what you mean about self confidence unfortunately. Today I was getting a present for a party at the shops and I saw some nice clothes (for me) but my brain instantly said – you don’t deserve it. It shocked me because I love clothes so I’m aware I need to change me thinking patterns too. For me being around close friends reminds me of what I used to be and I start to feel glimpses of my old self. I know I feel confident when I do nice things for myself like doing my hair and wearing nice clothes. Although I don’t have to energy I’m forcing myself to do these things. If you go out for an event surround yourself with people that care about you and you trust. I don’t think confidence happens overnight I think we have to grow it. I like kips idea of writing down 3 good things you did today. You could also try writing down 3 positive things about yourself to remind you that you matter. Good luck because you do matter xx

[Faraway]

Hi seeingclearly, I can totally relate. I question myself constantly as to when my brain is going to stop obsessing about this. It’s confusing because when he was here I was tough and anything he did or said would not affect me in the slightest because I had gotten gist of his game and decided long before I actually left him that I was going to leave. But now I’m obsessed and it hurts and it actually makes you feel like you are going crazy. Let’s hope in time it will lessen and we can find ourselves again. Reading all these threads brings me comfort and builds my confidence. I honestly don’t know what state I would be in if I had not found this forum. Big hugs xx

[Faraway]

Hi Tobfree, I’m so sorry to hear that you are in another abusive relationship. I hear you when you say what’s the point in confronting him to talk about the abuse because he will minimise, gaslight, victim blame as they all do when they confront you. Sounds like you have made the decision to leave and sounds like talking about how to go about this with you counseller is a good idea. Your actions by leaving will speak louder than words. I’ve read on this forum though that it’s a dangerous time when we leave so do you have family or supportive friends you can get the help you? Keep posting and let us know how you go with your counseller? Sending love and strength xx

[Faraway]

Hi tobefree, yes this is definetly a form of control. You change your behaviour to avoid the punishments which I then sends a message to our brain that we are the problem. It’s completely messing with your mind. It’s like dealing with a child having a temper tantrum and you just want to give them the Lolly because you want the screaming to stop even though you know it is not right. It’s so good that you are aware of this and you are on to his tactics. In the end I would try to live a totally seperate life with my own friends but that made the punishments worse because he had no control or then we would punish the children for nothing. Then I would pander to his needs because I was protecting the kids. It’s a sick cycle. Keep reading, keep getting stronger!!! Big hugs

[Faraway]

Hi Tiredone, I have deactivated my fb account for this reason. I’ll be honest though I sometimes open it again just to check and if nothing has changed it will ease my anxiety. I don’t do it often but now after reading the effect this has had on you, I won’t at all. We are only human and as others have said zero contact must be best as I have no doubt that this has unfortunately triggered you. Try not to be too hard on yourself, it was a mistake that won’t happen again. It’s sounds like you have a new partner so try and do something nice with him to remind yourself you are safe now and you have good things around you. Sending love that this does not affect you for too long xx

[Faraway]

Thanks seeingclearly, I did go back to my doctors today and was diagnosed with depression as well as anxiety so that explains the weight loss. I’ve got a new medication routine to try so we will see how that goes. I’ve been looking online and it actually suggests eating small nuts, peices of cheese, berries and lots of vegetables. I’m so scared by the way I feel I really want to give this food approach a good go. Thanks for the advice! I really appreciate it xx

[Faraway]

Thanks fizzylem, reading all the supportive comments has made me realise that my body is very malnourished. I intend to follow up with the spirulina powder and a good multivitamin. I also intend on cooking healthy foods and forcing myself to eat. I know once court is finished I’ll still have to deal with the trauma of the aftermath so I need to get strong. This bout of pneumonia is a wake up call and you ladies have helped me see that. I’ll try your suggestion of the sun too! I know the sun has vitamin D which is good for us. Thanks for the suggestions ladies, I really appreciate it xx

[Faraway]

Hi alwayssorry, I’ve just read your story and it sent chills down my spine as this is the exact situation one of my friends was in last year. She felt all those things you were feeling. (detail removed by moderator). She is so traumatised like you must feel. You have done nothing wrong. You deserved to be lived without other girls involved. You deserve to be yourself and have an opinion. (detail removed by moderator)  These people are sick. By the way you are questioning yourself just shows how far he has tried to put you down and screw with your thinking. Has he done this in other relationships? Is it a pattern for him? I’m happy to chat and help you through as I saw my friend go through this and it really made her question her sanity for a while. It’s completely normal for you to feel this way. Without a doubt this man has traumatised you. Keep posting, you are worth coming through this to the other side. Big hugs xxxxx

[Faraway]

Haha! I meant me again! Not mr again

[Faraway]

Thanks twisted sister! Haha food friends, I had to go back and find it because I read good friends anyway. My friends know the enormous stress I’m under so I do let them in. They are supportive but just don’t understand what it is actually like. I like this forum as we are all in the same boat. I actually cooked chicken, peas and corn for dinner tonight and I forced myself to eat it. Thanks for your kind words. I like what you said about treating myself and I hope I will get the urge soon to do something nice for myself. I have always still gotten my hair done throughout this process so that’s a good start! I think I’ve just got to accept that this year will be extremely hard and my only wish out of this is to feel like I’m mr again. The confident, happy and giving person who found enjoyment in everyday life. I wish that for all of us! God knows we deserve it. Thanks for cheering me up xx

[Faraway]

Hi gobsmacked1,
My ex used to always try and make me have sex with him. We separated at the start of the year but we had not had sex in 4 years. I was scared to have sex because he was always drunk and I knew he certainly didn’t love for care for me because of all of the abuse. He told me I was not a good wife because I refused sex but it must be consensual. Two people must want it. It would have been absolutely soul destroying for me to just give my body to him when the thought of it repulsed me. You are unhappy and that is why you don’t feel like yourself. I would read as much as I can about abuse to make sense of it. Then you can think about if this is the life that you want for yourself. It’s a process but you are recognising that something is seriously not right so that’s a start!

[Faraway]

Thanks tobfree, I do see my doctor and I’m on medication for depression but it does not seem to be lifting. I do have help from a women’s advocacy group and great friends who are supportive. I try not to bog them down too much with this though because I don’t want to loose their friendships. I really think I should look into a multivitamin as I will most likely be depleted in everything. I understand what you mean about the zombie state which is what I’m going through now. I was ok for the first 3 months after the split but it’s like everything is hitting me now! It’s so comforting that each time I post somebody reaches out and it really does help so I read other people’s posts and try to respond and give back when I can. Thanks for the support xx

[Faraway]

Thank you so much xpeacex, I will definitely look into the spirulina! I’m probably am malunourished and making that’s affecting my depression. I just want to feel some energy because at the moment I’m just eating a two slices of toast a day because anything else makes me want to vomit! Thanks for the advice xx

[Author]

Posts