Good samaritan

[Good samaritan]

I had my counselling session today and it was the first time I could be completely honest with someone about the things he made me do. Life has been so draining the past few months since it affected me to the point I lost my job. Even my employer had to admit if it wasn’t for my failed service the day I got the abusive phone call from my ex’s new girlfriends son I would have kept my job but they had to let me go because I lost focus and wasn’t meeting the required targets which meant they would have lost the contract if I had remained there. I wish I had been stronger and hadn’t let it affect me (detail removed by moderator). It all got so confusing and frightening because she would ask me questions about my ex and then took some kind of pleasure in telling me my ex had told her I was rubbish in bed and he hated me touching him. When the fact was he was always wanting it even when I was poorly. He even drove me into the middle of the woods and made me pleasure him whilst I was in floods of tears. He had made me get up in the middle of the night to take him to work but insisted that he was driving. He wouldn’t take no for an answer and I had no money to get home and it was miles away from where we lived. That’s when it finally hit home he had no respect for me but I just felt so trapped and alone I stayed with him until it finally got to the point I couldn’t take any more of his abuse. Any life was better than that life even if it meant I would have to rebuild from scratch elsewhere. I just wasn’t prepared for the aftermath. I sensed he hated me but not to the point he wanted to mentally torture me by showing me his and her love for one another nor could he wait to tell me he didn’t want to cheat on her. The thoughts and guilt, shame and even blaming myself because he said I was the abusive one and drove him away. It’s a world of pain that I am scared to open myself up to again. It’s made me doubt my instincts and question every fibre of my being and worth. It’s made me feel undeserving of love if I was such a bad person. Then when the police issued me with a harassment warning with no investigation what so ever reaffirmed what he had said that it must have been me

[Good samaritan]

He made me sell everything I had before I met him and replaced it with what he wanted. I didn’t even know he had ordered a new sofa until it was delivered and it didn’t even go with anything in the house nor was it practical as my room isn’t designed for that style of sofa. I was that fearful of how he would react I felt I had no choice but to accept it even though I didn’t want it. It was the same with the TV services he wanted the most expensive package and neither of us were home that much to even watch TV plus all he ever watched was porn so I either went upstairs out of his way took the dog out or sat in an awkward silence. Then he went round telling everyone when I did kick him out I was ungrateful and he had paid for everything because he worked when the fact is he never contributed anything to the house or the bills because he made me claim benefits and tell them he never lived here because he only stayed on the weekend. Then when we split he reported me for benefit fraud. I hate myself for not been strong enough sooner because that damage is irreversible and taken the integrity I used to have away. I feel so ashamed about everything

[Good samaritan]

The hard part for me is it made me feel as though I was his employee and not his equal partner. I literally ended up his slave just to keep the peace even making me run his baths. I was left to do all his secretarial duties as well as cook, cleaner and taxi driver. All I have left after the years of hard work trying to make it work and please him has left me with nothing to show for it except continued mental trauma. Before I met him I used to love been in the garden with the dog keeping it tidy now it’s just a mess and the neighbours don’t speak because he tried to get them evicted for anti social behaviour.

[Good samaritan]

I can completely understand about the property and finance country lass. I was fortunate that the house was solely in my name as at least I had that as a catalyst to make the change in needed to. The goals were constantly been moved and nothing I did was ever good enough. If anything went wrong if we were doing a project together he would blame me and say I was wrong or it was my fault it didn’t work out how he wanted or expected. The fact is he had no patients at all he rushed everything and behaved child like. If I asked him not to open the door of the car until I put the lead on the dog (because he bolted) he would open it just to show his authority over me and if I dared to challenge he would make me get in the car and screech around like a lunatic belittling me and intimidating me at the same time with a face I could only describe as pure evil and rage like. It got to the point I just could not tolerate it and either he went or I would have done something to myself just to escape him. I didn’t want to cause that trauma for my daughter and grandkids though. It’s several months down the line now and although I feel a huge relief that the relationship is over there are still feelings of wonder arise that if I had done something different perhaps it could have worked but in reality it had long enough to be a happy relationship and it is highly unlikely things would ever change if I had stayed with him. I’m facing homelessness but would rather be on the street than live through that pain with him again.

[Good samaritan]

Yes I can really relate to how you are feeling. Especially now when I need the help the most. I used to be able to ask long standing friends and family for help when I was struggling but since I made him leave my home after almost a decade of him living with me I just can’t reach out to anyone anymore. Even the services that are set up to help in these situations I cannot find the confidence or motivation to approach anymore. I literally go home lock the doors and lay on the sofa crying until I fall to sleep. I can’t find the motivation to do anything. I was told I was a strong woman by my councillor but I don’t feel strong. I feel so ashamed of everything that happened during the relationship. My integrity and the moral comfort I felt and pride I had in myself before meeting him has vanished completely. Now I just feel guilt, shame and anger for failing myself and my family. I can’t even see myself as an insensitive to clear the mess and memories from my house and I’m totally embarrassed at the mere thought of anyone coming in to help

[Good samaritan]

KIP you are so right. In all the communications between myself and ex and myself and his new gf you can see the lies and contradictions in plain sight. That’s why he tried to steel my phone. Now I have had no more contact from them and had support from some great people on here and elsewhere things are becoming far more clear. The haze is lifting I’m concentrating better and take comfort in knowing I did absolutely nothing wrong. No matter how bad he treat me I remained faithful and I never rung that woman. I was loving my job too much to even return his advances when he saw I was enjoying my job. He didn’t like it when I defended myself and made contact with his new girlfriend because he knew I always told the truth as he knew I felt ashamed about lying when he forced me to claim benefits and also keeping it away from my family about his passed conviction. He took advantage of everything about me my kindness, my vulnerabilities, my consciousness about my body image. Guilt tripping me into having sex with him even when I was ill or tired. He made it feel like a chore there was never any romance or caring came from him. Even after the truth had come out about his affairs which he admitted to me a week later he tried to make out he had never confessed to me. I look at the conversations on occasions just to remind me why I ended the relationship. He turned me into his slave and a prisoner in my own home and my own head. I’m breaking the shackles in stages though and can feel my confidence levels rising again now. I know it’s going to be a long road but each day is getting better. I know now I don’t ever want him back in my life.

[Good samaritan]

My ex wanted to stay in my house for a financial arrangement after (detail removed by moderator) of him lying to me, having affairs, been disrespectful, greedy, gambling. The day it ended he sat bolt up right in bed and just said you’re going to have to clear the spare room out so I can move in there. He said it was because he couldn’t cope with my snoring but I knew instantly it was because he had never cared about me and our relationship was just a means to an end for him. When I refused to let him stay he turned vile the worst I’d ever seen him and became more and more aggressive and manipulative because I had cut off his financial supply. He never paid council tax or anything when we were together he dominated everything by showing me his aggression and installing the fear very early on. Even now he has moved on to another woman he still blames me when she falls out with him because of the lie either her or him made up saying that I had rung her and she found out from me her relationship had started whilst me and him were still been intimate. Now he blames me and has twisted it to the police that I was the abuser. When I told him he couldn’t stay here as a lodger all of a sudden he was Mr perfect. Luckily I didn’t have children but the mental scars will stay with me forever. Stay strong you can do this.

[Good samaritan]

I wish I could get some form of officaldom in place to protect me if he approached me but after this experience I don’t even have any faith in the police. A wpc told me to tear up mail and bin it. I was gobsmacked.

[Good samaritan]

I can completely understand. I had moved on from my ex and was loving life working and having no contact when I plucked up the courage to end the relationship. Then out of the blue one of his most vicious lies ever completely blind sided me and brought my world crashing down. He has turned the tables and made me feel like the abuser and a criminal which has left me incarcerated in my head because the police facilitated him by issuing a harassment warning against me with no investigation. I don’t know who I am most frustrated with my ex the police or his new girlfriend that assisted him with his most recent psychological attack. So glad you could get some perspective again xx

[Good samaritan]

I often imagine just driving off and never stopping just so my life can feel as though it is moving forward from the past. I bet I’m not alone in wishing we all knew when we would be OK again. My abuser also told me and the police and anyone else that would listen to him that I was the abusive one but when he was on the phone to me after I had broke down to a mutual acquaintance he would ask if he was really that bad. I hope you find some contentment and the haze lifts for you soon so that you can refocus and enjoy life again xxx

[Good samaritan]

Thank you KIP I’m just so fed up of not been able to talk. It’s not as if it is something that happened years ago it was all quite recent and the after affects financially are still mounting up. I wish there was a quick fix like my family want and I knew how to do everything myself so I could sort it but I just feel so completely shattered. Every time I try and be positive in front of my family and look to a brighter future they too either mock or ridicule me much like my ex and even laugh at their own jokes about me. Every time I make myself plans or goals all I get is it will never happen or that’s not going to help. I’m just becoming more and more lifeless every day and been made to feel worthless. Even by my mum and siblings. I didn’t even get chance to finish the sentence before my mum jumped in and said just forget about him. I went outside because it upset me and when I came back my sister started having a go making me feel worse than I did before. I don’t know where to go to get away from everything. I wish I could just walk into a new identity with a job and home so I could feel normal and content again but everything is so stressful it’s coming from all directions and I’m only one person and I have never been through anything like this so don’t know how to fix these immediate problems

[Good samaritan]

Kip

I totally agree with you. It is always the women that have to flee. I have lived here all my life and my ex came here from another part of the UK. My belief now is he saw me as an opportunity to better himself and runaway from his criminal past that I knew nothing about until he had moved in with just a bag of clothes to his name after only a brief encounter online and a few meetings. He literally swept me off my feet. As the years progressed that person vanished. Now I am the one having to flee him. It doesn’t seem fair at all that he has been allowed to break the conditions of his release and register and remain free with police protection. Yet I’m living in fear of him harming me and have nothing in place to protect me except a harassment warning against my name. It’s absolutely mind blowing having to go through the trauma of the relationship been abusive and then further trauma of having to leave loved ones behind.

[Good samaritan]

I understand completely how you feel because my ex lives in the same neighbourhood as me. I have panic attacks every time I see a car like the one he drives because he almost writ me off trying to steel my phone in the street. He turned the tables on me and ended up getting a harassment warning out against me which is on my file indefinitely thanks to the police issuing it without investigation so I now have that added anxiety too. Stay strong please it’s the only thing we can do xxx

[Good samaritan]

Maddog my ex showed his violent streak quite early too. After initially telling me his mum and sister had died only to then find out a few years into our relationship they were actually alive. I can see now why his own family disowned him the way they did. He was/is rotten to the core. I’m just really hoping with counselling I can find the strength in me to fight for my future and the courage to take it to the courts x

[Good samaritan]

Thank you KIP and Starry-eyed.

I agree the evenings are far worse for me. That’s when I let doubts and regrets creep in.

My relationship with my Mum hasn’t been the best over the years and one of my sisters actually had to have CBT counselling organised by her employer at the time because of my Mum becoming so dependant on her. Sadly my mum moans about each of us and our failings to all of us individually and prides herself on the fact she raised a large family more or less by herself cos my dad worked away. The sad part is all I remember from my childhood is my mum having a nervous breakdown and crying in a heap in the kitchen because she couldn’t cope with my dad working away. Yet she continually criticises each one of us how we have raised our children and them their children (hypocrisy) is a word that springs to mind but I never verbalise that to her out of respect but it would be nice if she had been more supportive and less critical perhaps then things wouldn’t be as distant as it is between us all.

As for my ex the feelings are gradually fading but then certain things trigger memories and that’s when I start to question things. The last fortnight has been a lot more positive due to me having structure through the day and the tutor actually made a comment that I seem to be the most normal out of our group which made me chuckle to myself because I have felt slightly insane in recent months.

Once again thank you for you kind words of encouragement and support x

[Good samaritan]

He got in touch but I didn’t rise to it and completely ignored him. Within 30 mins of him trying to contact me there was 2 knocks on the door but I ignored them. I’ve managed to find out his address so redirected all his debt letters and the bailiffs there instead of them hounding me or my family looking for him

[Good samaritan]

Serenity

Your ex sounds like mine. Mine ran up debts with his own bank til they froze his accounts and then gave my bank details to his boss without my knowledge. That was after he had made me claim UC when my hrs at work dropped. He had already destroyed my house and made me bleed with his temper when he ran out of cigarettes or he’d lost his work money playing the bandits or buying scratchcards. He too was obsessed and had to have the most expensive tv packages even though he was never home to watch it and I never watched tv at all when he wasn’t. Everything he did was to show off to people on Facebook or people he met through his job. It’s so frightening that they can get away with reporting us even though it was done under duress and while in distress. I hated it but didn’t know what to do

[Good samaritan]

The entire relationship was a worry right from the beginning because he lied about his entire history and dropped bombshell after bombshell he’d led me to believe he had left a really good lifestyle to come and be with me only for the truth to surface when he had already moved in that he had a criminal past and none of what he had told me about himself was true. Now I’m living in constant fear of how he will lie to cause trouble for me next. He’s already twisted it around on me and I’ve ended up with a harassment warning. I would mention it to the police and keep a record of date and times of calls. I hope you find some clarity soon. It’s horrible not been able to find closure or peace from it all. Hugs x

[Good samaritan]

I swear it was my ex that did the same thing to me. When domestic abuse has been clarified by the police them or solicitor should have the power to find out who made the reports. My ex even shouted it out on the street but it was because of him making me think I would lose the house. Plus when I first told him not to come back he left voicemails telling me that’s what he was going to do. It’s not right at all. Hugs x

[Good samaritan]

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I was looking at the boards at my university at services available and they do have a counselling and wellbeing service which I’m hoping I will be able to access now I’ve started. I’m actually loving the course and the tutors have said I’m doing fantastic which is a massive relief after been told I’m unintelligent and wrong all the time. It was a massive step to take but I’m so glad I took it. It’s the anxiety of not knowing how he is going to lie to inflict anymore mental trauma that is really getting to me when I do the simple things like shopping, walking the dog or even attempting to repair the damage he caused to my home. Every time I try and invest something in myself it’s as if he is still holding me back. Such a horrible feeling especially when these are things I was always capable of doing alone before I met him.

[Good samaritan]

*me not mr

[Good samaritan]

It’s horrible it’s silly little normal things that set them off and the fact that the police have facilitated him more by issuing that without even taking a look at all the evidence on my phone. Even if he did something wrong to Mr now I would be hesitant in reporting him in case they saw it as me harassing him. It’s a horrible isolation I’m not coping with at all well

[Good samaritan]

I can relate. Been there a lot just lately in fact still there. I have reached out to a solicitor today though so hopefully tomorrow will shed some light for me. Keep reaching out. Hugs x

[Good samaritan]

Hi

I’ve been reading up on the symptoms of people who have survived abuse and research has shown abuse can take its toll on our physical wellbeing as well. Causing migraines, joint pains and autoimmune difficulties meaning we can be more prone to infections.

My Dr also picked up on this too because when I was subjected to abuse by my now ex I began to get unexplained infections that required surgery rgery more often than not. Since he’s not been living here those infections have subsided.

We end up changing so much of ourselves to accommodate these people it quite literally destroys us to the point we become paranoid, insecure, anxious, agitated and more often than not angry with ourselves.

I used to be so confident with people and always got highly praised in work appraisals for (detail removed by Moderator) roles. Since the end game of my abuser and the introduction of his new girlfriend into the mix I feel incapable of everything and don’t even trust my own judgement to make decisions for myself. All I can do is hope that in time my life will light up again and I can begin to enjoy the positives that life has to offer.

I’m meant to be gutting my house ready for my landlord to fit a new kitchen which I have been waiting over (detail removed by Moderator)yrs for but I cannot even find the strength or motivation to do it. It’s as though I’ve become obsessed with recovering and finding closure so that I can finally concentrate on myself without feeling any guilt or doubts. It’s a devastation I have never experienced before and it has floored me.

I suppose we all have to find a new comfort zone. Big hugs x

[Good samaritan]

It’s so wrong that survivors have to medicate to be able to feel able to cope with life. How is it fair that these abusers get to go on to do it to other people? I’m sorry I just find it all really difficult to comprehend as it is still quite new and raw to me

[Good samaritan]

Hi Stormdreamer

Welcome to the forum. As one of the others says it seems like gaslighting. My ex would blame me for his affairs even when he was the one who chose to work away all week. They are good at blame shifting and projecting the feelings onto us. You wouldn’t be calling yourself those things if he wasn’t reinforcing them. Take care of yourself and the little one. Try also to reach out to an external support network. Hugs x

[Good samaritan]

It honestly feels like I’ve been suckered punched to the chest. I had no feelings for him at all when I ended the relationship because he made me feel dead inside. I didn’t have any urge to contact him or anything for several weeks after I told him I didn’t want him to come back. How on earth could a lie about me ringing his new girlfriend who I didn’t even know existed or have her number be allowed to cause so much damage. Surely it’s a waste of police resources when they have said themselves he’s a compulsive liar. Now I’m tarnished forever because of yet another one of his lies. There really is no justice in this country anymore. I wanted to confess to the crimes I have committed under his influence and I’m not even allowed to do that to free my conscience. It’s like a nightmare there’s no waking up from.

[Good samaritan]

I’ve now blocked all contact and deleted numbers. My biggest problem is having a photographic memory because he made me do all his communications for him and ordering all of his (detail removed by Moderator) so the mail both electronic and paper gets delivered here. I’ve changed the address with as many as I can but they are still arriving. Even his pensions from jobs he’s had. I try to ring rights for women every day but cannot get through. I’ve logged out of my Facebook but it was my main platform for the volunteer work I do with (detail removed by Moderator) so I have had to withdraw my services their too. It’s becoming unbearable. It’s so hard to describe why I even went their it was as though I needed to do it to face my fear and try and get permanent closure because I’ve been left on edge. I didn’t even like him as a person but he was the one who would reassure me I wasn’t going mad. Now that’s gone too and I literally feel as though I’ve gone insane.

[Good samaritan]

I am in exactly the same position with my family. Even worse after tonight most likely a criminal too because not only did I knock on my ex’s door but also messaged him with a harassment warning issued against me recently. The turmoil inside your head and desperately in need of therapy I can relate with you so much. I spent the entire journey home in floods of tears. I literally begged my ex to press charges against me so I could get some help. It’s a feeling like no other.

[Good samaritan]

Maddog I’ve given up on the police. It wasn’t until I spoke to the officer that was about (detail removed by Moderator) that I realised they do not even understand the laws they are meant to be upholding themselves. I read it on their own website that my harassment warning would show up on a Visa check and she still didn’t believe me. I am stuck with it on my file for life according to the chief constables aid unless by some miracle I could come into a lot of money and appeal it in the high Court. It’s preposterous that I have been made to feel like a criminal just for removing myself from an abusers grasp and his new girlfriend wound him up playing games with him to the point he blamed it all on me

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