GrumbleBear

[GrumbleBear]

I totally get this!! there are some things I know he will complain about now re childcare so i organise people to have the kids and then he acts surprised and like he would have them without a bother! I know if I were to ask him, it would be such a drama!

The constant shifting of the goalposts is to keep you on your toes so you never know what to expect!!

[GrumbleBear]

I can’t give any more advice than what has already been said but didn’t want to read and run!

Please take care and keep safe 💜

[GrumbleBear]

The kids all wanted to go out and play so I just let them and pottered around the house. Didn’t know when he’d be home, what mood he’d be in. Not sure how much I can say but he came back fine, like nothing had happened, had a great day with pictures to show and everything. I’ve still barely spoken to him as i’m too angry and holding a bit of a grudge (does that make me as bad as him?) He went to bed but came through to get something but we had ran out and it was my fault we didn’t have what he wanted when he wanted it.

[GrumbleBear]

Well after this, he hasn’t spoken to me at all, complete silent treatment. We were supposed to have a day out as a family but he decided he couldn’t be bothered with us today (said as much to our children) and has gone out himself. No idea where or when he’ll be back so now I just have to wait and hope he comes home in a better mood.

[GrumbleBear]

Yes!! This is me too! Also started with wearing what I want, doing make up, going out and socialising!! And when he asked if I’m going out or something, instead of explaining why, I just simply say yes. He’ll ask further questions which I’ll answer honestly but I don’t do it out of guilt (all the time anyway, it’s still not anxiety free, I just don’t show that it bothers me!)

[GrumbleBear]

Telling you to leave him sounds like a play on your sympathies to get you feeling sorry for him and guilty if you left….which has worked!!

The grabbing you round the neck is a sure sign of escalation and next time your child may just witness it. Please reach out to a local support service. I’m no expert by any stretch of the imagination but this even has me going WTF! Keep safe.

[GrumbleBear]

I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with that. My husband can do the same if he’s had a bad day at work or something. Anytime I answer him with something about myself he explodes saying I always turn it back to be about me. 2 hours is such a long time to be constantly put down! I hope you hear from the council soon – it will definitely be better than that! You and your girls deserve better!

[GrumbleBear]

He eventually went off to bed and we have been fine since – a few niggles again but nothing major. I have a bombshell to drop in a few days – exciting opportunity for me that I can’t pass up but pretty much everything he fights against!!

[GrumbleBear]

Only been an hour since my last post and I’m exhausted. I said on someone elses post earlier about Dr Ramani’s D.E.E.P rules that I’ve decided to try but it takes a lot. He has nipped out so I have a few minutes to breathe before he’s back. I just want to cry but not giving him that satisfaction!

[GrumbleBear]

May just be about to reach his tipping point tonight. Can’t really say more as it may be too identifying but tension in the house has definitely gone up. My youngest is running about being extra helpful and chirpy as she normally would at these times 🙁

[GrumbleBear]

Go out – have fun!!

[GrumbleBear]

He refuses to go out without me, he says if I don’t go with him and the kids then no-one goes and it’s then
it’s my fault the kids don’t get to do fun stuff. I always give in but I’m now wondering what would happen in a healthy relationship when one partner doesn’t want to do something – I’m not talking big family days out, just a trip to the shops or something – and the other does! Is it normal for one to demand the other go as well?? xx

[GrumbleBear]

Sending a big hug. If be believed his behaviour was okay, he should have no issue with you talking to anyone. It is really weird he wants to rename your children – is he being serious?

It seems like he’s trying to push your buttons to get a reaction so he can react back to you? I was watching a video by Dr Ramani on YouTube last night and she talked about her DEEP rules: don’t Defend, don’t Engage, don’t Explain, don’t Personalise! I plan to imbed this into my situation, especially with the types of arguments where they just want to get a reaction!

[GrumbleBear]

Absolutely not!! Your home is also your child’s home and it’s perfectly normal for their friends to come round. I say that like it happens in my house regularly but, like your experience, it’s rarely allowed here!! I get the “I’m not babysitting other people’s kids”, “this isn’t a doss house” and so on!!

We can all be frustrated, we don’t all grab our partners by the face or scream at them! His responses are not acceptable!

[GrumbleBear]

I hear you. I haven’t made the decision to definitely leave for good yet but rather than engage in arguments with my children around, I will not stay in the house and have decided to walk out every time and have done once. We stayed in a hotel overnight – he doesn’t know where we went. Now it seems like he will push a little but hold back from letting it get to the point I have to walk out so it feels like I’m trapped.

It’s almost like being on one of those extendable dog leads!

[GrumbleBear]

I’m just fed up of the constant anxiety. Getting the silent treatment today while he has a laugh with the kids. Can’t wait to get back to work.

[GrumbleBear]

I’m going through this right now. Does something nice or says something nice, then it’s a veiled horrible comment or a little dig. Don’t know what’s coming next but feel guilty for questioning the nice moments. Just know that it’s building up to something!

Can you get out for a walk by yourself, some fresh air and time to just breathe?

[GrumbleBear]

Hello,
So sorry to hear what you have been dealing with! It sounds like you’re pretty definite in your decision but while it should be him to go, from what I have read here, it may be easier for you to leave with the support of your local women’s aid? Have you spoken with them? I know my husband has asked what i would do if he wanted to leave and I said i’d let him go as I don’t see any point in forcing someone who’s unhappy to stay. He said if i wanted to go, he’d fight for us as he didn’t want to waste the length of time we’ve been together. If/when I make the decision, i’ll have to go!

Something else you said also struck a chord with me – the way he spoke in your ear. Quite recently during a disagreement, my husband came up behind me, leaned in and quietly (detail removed by moderator). I had the same reaction as you. I’m used to him blowing up but this was different.

[GrumbleBear]

It was only pulled back for a second before letting it go again but I did take notice and make a little mental note. I may mention it to the family support worker at school I have mentioned this all to (and who is part of the school team checking in with my children and helping me develop a safety plan) – unsure yet as I don’t want to over-dramatise or have any action taken I’m not ready for so will see how things are when i need see her.

[GrumbleBear]

He’ll do some cleaning/cooking but he always makes a huge deal of it, especially if I sit and watch tv or am on my phone as he does it. He can’t stand that! It’s almost like a tick box exercise that he can keep track of. For example i get in the car after work and he immediately asks how my day was. I reply with good and before getting anything else out he goes on about his day the entire journey home….then in the next argument he’ll throw out how he ALWAYS asks about my day but I never ask how his was!!!

I watch everything he does and says now and I can’t believe I didn’t see it for what it was before.

[GrumbleBear]

Yes! I was told for years he prefers me not shave to as it means im not cheating. I’m now making a point of doing it and having that as “the norm”. Wear skirts with skin coloured tights more than ever now. I do still get questions of who/what am I getting dressed up for but given up caring! Do what makes you happy and feel good!!!

[GrumbleBear]

It’s so weird – I don’t understand the reason for it over something so silly!

He’s sitting shouting and swearing (detail removed by moderator) and I hate it! The kids get into trouble for watching videos that swear (obviously) but have to listen to him!

[GrumbleBear]

This!! I have been told my husband hates that I love my job! He has also said he’s stuck in while i’m out enjoying life…..he refuses to make friends or take himself out anywhere! He is only happy when I’m at home cleaning and cooking! I’m off to Uni (detail removed by Moderator) and this is currently causing mega issues!!! He says it’s not a guarantee I’ll be allowed to go yet because of money. Little does he know i’ve already accepted my place! I’m tired of being stuck in his little bubble!! The men that act like this (and some women too i’m sure) have real problem when our worlds span further than them!
I have friends and a life outside the house now, away from my children (who I adore) but this is something he tries to make me feel guilty over!
You do you, enjoy college and be f*****g proud of yourself!!!

[GrumbleBear]

It’s exactly this. I laughed when I realised my mistake but then thought, maybe it was me being mistaken the times before but I know that isn’t the case! Difference this time was it came clear that I had put it somewhere else.

It’s enough of a help to be able to say this kind of thing and not be taken as totally nuts! Can only imagine what other people would think if I said this. “Paranoid much?” would probably cover it!

[GrumbleBear]

Yes I have a bag with some clothes in it that I have left with before. I’ll email her school and get them to check in with her tomorrow!

Can’t decide if I want it to settle down again or just get it over with!

[GrumbleBear]

Thank you for this. I wish I had experience of a normal relationship so it was easier to compare! I would have woken up a whole lot sooner had that been the case rather than enabling him for so many years! I’ve set up an email account under another name so I can keep a diary type thing that he won’t ever have access to. I send the emails back to the same account so it keeps a track of the dates.

Hopefully it’ll help bring some clarity.

[GrumbleBear]

It’s the constant switch between nice/kind and then the jabs/insults/demands and saying something cruel but as if he’s joking. If I say anything I’m wrong. Feel bad for wishing I was at work because I have my own children here and want to enjoy my time with them!

[GrumbleBear]

Isn’t it funny (not haha funny) how something so seemingly normal while you’re “in it” is actually not okay?! There has been so many things over the years that I’ve just accepted as part of a relationship – the idea that people don’t get nervous or anxious when telling their partner they’ve made plans with friends is totally alien to me! It’s someone I trust pointing this out that has made me start to push boundaries.

[GrumbleBear]

It’s all so awful. My husband will ask about my day but not actually listen. He hates that I love my job and prefers it if something not particularly great happens so I don’t tell him – I don’t want him having that satisfaction.

[GrumbleBear]

Yes I get the “s******e”. He came back from somewhere (detail removed by Moderator) and I was having a coffee and on my phone and I jumped when I saw the car come round the corner and he stopped the car at the window to look in and I pretended not to notice and started doing something else. He found it funny when he came in saying he saw me move when I spotted the car.

Would a normal person not question why their wife/partner reacted like this?? Rather than seem to enjoy it?

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